sykevon Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who cares about me and loves me very much. However there are times when I start to doubt our relationship for NO reason...nothing specifically initiates these thoughts but for some reason they happen, and it BUGS me so much. I just start to doubt how he feels about me, and our relationship...and that sometimes he just says things out of pity to me..NOTHINGGGG that HE does at all triggers this...it just happens RANDOMLY in my head...these annoying thoughts... I have been in 2 previous serious relationships, one where I was cheated on...and another where I was left for no particular reason other then i was too good of a person to him... I don't know if it is because of this??....I was nothing but a loyal, fun, and loving girlfriend to my previous 2 ex's...who for some reason messed up...and then basically told me that I was the best girlfriend they ever had, and they both said they felt I deserved better With my current boyfriend, I hate that I get "insecure" at times, and I'm scared that this will drive him away...he is leaving on a trip to the Dominican with his single male companions in a couple of weeks...that is how/where I was cheated on in one of the previous relationships... I don't know if this has anything to do with my psychotic behaviour recently...I don't know if it is because I have gotten hurt for no specific reason that I can fix, that I get paranoid that it will happen a third time??? I never used to be like this before...it bugs me so much that I get like this at times...I really don't want to be the reason that I drive him away... I have no idea what's wrong with me, or how to fix it... HELPPP???!!
EllieBean Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You need to understand the 90/10 rule of relationships: in some cases the thing that's upsetting you so much is only 10% to do with your partner and it's 90% to do with issues from your past rearing their ugly heads. Case in point: you wouldn't feel insecure about your partner going on holiday if you hadn't been cheated on that way previously. Imagine someone poking your arm: it doesn't hurt, but if you already have a bruise in that area then it hurts a lot. In the same way relationship issues hurt a lot more if they relate to something that hurt you before. It's paradoxical: when you feel secure and happy in a relationship, that's when your unresolved issues start to come up for healing. You need to think about how your present issues are influenced by your past and realize that your current partner isn't entirely to blame for how you're feeling. Perhaps share your feelings about your past with him so that he feels less blamed and can support you in working through your problems. If he's a decent guy then he'll want to be supportive and understanding of how you're feeling
sugarmomma Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 One thing that I have learned after many relationships is that emothinal security has to come from within. After doing a lot of work on my issues, I figure if a guy cheats on me, it says more about him than it does about me. I don't take it personal because people cheat usually because of their own insecurities and inadequacies. Just be confident and do things that show you value, love , honor and respect yourself. A guy will see this and want to be with you more, not less. Men run from insecure needy women. That's why I let my guy do 95% of the initiating when it comes to calls, texts, time together etc. That way I feel more in control of myself and how I respond to the relationship. When I do this he seems to be a lil insecure but I would rather it be him than me. Be good to yourself and others will too. When he goes on his trip be supportive and positive and wish him a good time. While he is gone, let him do the calling and see what happens!! He'll think about you the entire time!!!
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