monkeymaid Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 ive condensed my story down to some simple facts. the long and short of it is 1. I broke up with her 2. we needed space 3. I want her back 4. Shes scared I will do it again 5. I am in therapy for the underlying issies 6. I tried to get her back but didnt keep my cool 7. She wants no contact its all my fault. i was never a dick or mean, but i am the one thatpulled the plug. ive apologized in person and in writing, pretty much on my hands and knees, but she just doesnt trust me with her emotions. she trusts me with her life, her family, her car, and everything else, just not her heart. ...how can i get that back if we are in no contact?? i cant break no contact as its been about 3-4 weeks now that we have been in no contact (rounding 3 months apart) and it been ok actually. just a few dreams and ive only though about her seriously 3 or 4 times in the last 3-4 weeks. i am busier than i have ever been, but i want her back more than anything ever! i would move mountains if it meant i could have her back. has anyone here ever been the dumper and realized the monumentally stupid mistake youve made?? can anyone offer some words of advice? please!
popey Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You mentioned being in therapy and working on the underlying issues. Maybe when you work them out, that's when the hurt stops. You also mentioned being busier than ever. Idk, but maybe this doesn't actually help matters. Maybe being busy is an escape that prolongs the healing. I know this may not be very comforting, but maybe taking some quiet time to let yourself really deal with your feelings; morn, cry, think... as long as it takes. And just be good to yourself. it sucks, but maybe you should just try to let yourself deal w/ you and all your feelings.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Were there other issues that prompted the breakup? She has a right to avoid you because you broke things off to get space away from her. It's only fair she's giving herself space from you.
Aerorobyn Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You have to give her time. You broke up with her--you crushed her heart! You can't expect to just come running back three months later with the "I'm so sorry it will never happen again" crap. It doesn't work that way with us (most of us anyways). I don't blame her. My ex broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago. If he were to come running back--as much as I DO want to be with him again--I would be very hesitant to do so. I would not (don't think I could) take him back right away, because he has caused me SO much pain in just a matter of two weeks. Someone who supposedly loved me, someone I trusted with everything, he just magically "changed" overnight and became a jerk. He also needs some SERIOUS emotional/mental therapy, and I would not take him back until I KNEW he was getting that needed therapy, and actually using it/taking it seriously. What goes around comes around. You put her through pain and suffering for those three months, and now it's her turn to do the same to you. I'm not sure how you deal with the pain and heartache...how do you think she did it?
Author monkeymaid Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 1st, ...thank you all for the replys. they give me some things to think about. aerorobyn, i am sorry you are going through this as well.if i can answer any questionsfor you please let me know as i am the dick head, i mean dumper in my situation. if you need my perspective i am more than happy to give it. since you have the opposite one of me, what would it take from him if you were to take him back? I keep myself busy with things that i like doing. ....capoeira, hiking, running, gym, school, dancing, working on my car. ...essentially ive found a million things that i can do day or night if i feel really sad and cant take it. ...to take my mind off of how stupid i was. as far as the breakup itself, becasue of LSE and fear of abandonment on my part, and a serious fear of commitment on her part, it took a turn for the worse when she kept blowing me off to dance with her (gay) dance partner, and i ended when she blew me off on xmas eve (shes jewish). in retrospect, it was dumb of me, and i over reacted and am now paying the price. to be honest, i dont blame her either. but she didnt get this run around for more than 2 weeks. i found a therapist the week i broke up with her, and contacted her the next. everything was fine for almost a month, and we were on track to reconciliation till she asked me about where our relationship was going and i told her exactly how i felt. it brought up all her pain and she nc'd me that was 3 1/2 weeks ago. i feel dead right now. i just worked out for 2.5 hrs and i still feel like im bleeding from the bottom of my lungs. it was so perfect but my f'd up mind screwed it up for both of us. ....we where best friends for 6 years. ...she was my 1st kiss ....wow i feel like beating myself ...is there a sliver of hope? someone please lie to me and tell me yes.
sugarmomma Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Guilt requires punishment. You must forgive yourself for making the mistake of breaking up with her. You seem to have learned a hard lesson. I would send her a letter telling her the same things you have said here. I would let her know that I would like to be given a second chance but you have to leave that decision up to her. You never know. If I got a heartfelt sincere apology from a man that I knew loved me (but admits that he's immature and acted like a d**k) I would seriously think about giving it another try. All depends on whether she can forgive and protect her heart at the same time. It hard to be but I believe it can be done. In the letter I would promise to work on communicating my feelings the next time around. Good Luck!!
Aerorobyn Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 1st, ...thank you all for the replys. they give me some things to think about. aerorobyn, i am sorry you are going through this as well.if i can answer any questionsfor you please let me know as i am the dick head, i mean dumper in my situation. if you need my perspective i am more than happy to give it. since you have the opposite one of me, what would it take from him if you were to take him back? I wasn't trying to sound mean in my previous post or anything. I was just giving my POV, since I can obviously put in your ex's spot at this time. If I were to EVER take my ex back (providing he were to even come back), he'd have to prove to me a lot of things. He'd have to prove that he's ready to be a mature adult and not act like he's ten years old still (he's twenty-one). He'd have to prove that he wanted a serious/mature relationship this time around (he was really clingy the first time around--very insecure, and still is). He'd have to show me that he has not turned into an alcoholic (I heard that since the breakup, he's been drinking a lot more...thinks he can since he's twenty-one now). And, of course, he'd have to prove that he really wants this relationship and me, and he's not just coming back because he's "lonely" or whatever; I do not want to go through another breakup with him like this--at least not for a while, and if/when it happens it has to be mutual. Thus, this would take, at times, serious communication (which he was always bad at), and maybe even some counseling. Now, if I may ask you, what is it that made you decide you wanted to try reconciling with her? When did you decide you wanted to try again? I'm not gonna tell you that there is any real hope for yall to be together again, because I don't know. She's really hurt right now, and apparently needs quite a bit of time. I think you're going about it the right way though...just keep busy, spend time with friends, work, etc. Do whatever you can to keep your mind off of her (easier said than done, I know), and don't try pushing her. I think you've made it clear to her that you still care and want to be with her; however, this time around, it's her call. She has to make the decision and either agree or disagree on that. All you can do is just move on with life and see if she comes back.
Author monkeymaid Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 punishment huh? oh its getting it right now. as for waiting for her to come back, thats what i am doing right now. i told her to her face, and in 2 letters everything here and more. she knows everything. i felt regret immediately, like i got in my car and cried for over 4 hours (i know pussy and why did i do it then). i let it lie for a week thinking that it would pass, but about 3 therapy sessions, i realzied that it wasnt just panic. i knew i loved her and what a mistake i had made. i want to fix it because of the way we were together. how time flew and stood still at the same time, how we have the same family values, the same love of activities, the same view on raising children, we eat the same foods, i love her family (i still work for her parents), the has the utmost respect for mine, she pushed me to be better, and i pushed her to follow her dreams. i do want the best for her...i gotta stop, im welling here. ...i could go on for days i want her to be happy. i dont know how to get her trust back, and i think im still being needy right now by wanting her back so bad. there isthe part of me that wants her to just be happy however she wants to deal, and then there is that part that hurts because i cant have her in my arms smiling. ...thank you guys for reading and for the support, writing this ismaking it so real.
sedgwick Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It's like this: if you dump someone, you have to expect to NEVER hear from them again. She is no longer a part of your life, because that's the choice YOU made.
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Yes, I agree with sedgwick and Aero there is something you can learn in everything that happens to you. You only need to find it.
Author monkeymaid Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 ive learned this lesson and everyday i am reminded of it. my initial question was how do you help the pain to stop. ...i realize that i caused this sedgwick thanks for driving that fact home. please dont post the terribly heart wrenchingly obvious. obviously i cant date other girls as i am clearly not in the proper mindset and i do work, workout stay busy but the guilt and feelings of utter stupidity and self depricating thoughts are so overbearing even when i finish a 3 hour workout session and i am high on the adrenaline rush tears just want to rush out. the therapist has helped every other aspect of my life, except the frustration and self hating for this 1 damn thing. i would still give up everyhting ive attained personally if i could just talk to her. if i couldse her in person, i knowi could make it happen. AAGAHAGHHHAGHAGHHHAHAGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11:mad:
Jolena9 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 punishment huh? oh its getting it right now. as for waiting for her to come back, thats what i am doing right now. i told her to her face, and in 2 letters everything here and more. she knows everything. i felt regret immediately, like i got in my car and cried for over 4 hours (i know pussy and why did i do it then). i let it lie for a week thinking that it would pass, but about 3 therapy sessions, i realzied that it wasnt just panic. i knew i loved her and what a mistake i had made. i want to fix it because of the way we were together. how time flew and stood still at the same time, how we have the same family values, the same love of activities, the same view on raising children, we eat the same foods, i love her family (i still work for her parents), the has the utmost respect for mine, she pushed me to be better, and i pushed her to follow her dreams. i do want the best for her...i gotta stop, im welling here. ...i could go on for days i want her to be happy. i dont know how to get her trust back, and i think im still being needy right now by wanting her back so bad. there isthe part of me that wants her to just be happy however she wants to deal, and then there is that part that hurts because i cant have her in my arms smiling. ...thank you guys for reading and for the support, writing this ismaking it so real. Hey I just wanted to let you know I was in the same situation. I broke up with the love of my life because of an eating disorder and now that I'm well into recovery I want to salvage the love he and I shared but he is hesitant because of how bad the break up hurt him (and the fact he got into a rebound situation too). But you know what? I put the ball in his court. I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and right now he wants space to deal with the idea of it but is open to getting back together and so I'm giving him that space. You can't force someone back...they have to come on their own accord. and believe me I realize how it must be driving you crazy because the love is not completely gone from either of you and it would be so nice to fall back into what you had but you have to accept that everything must go on her terms since she was the one initially hurt. As for how I'm dealing with it, I make point to appreciate everything good in life. I still smile, take chances to go out and see things, and live it up with my friends. I don't date or talk to other people because my heart is taken but I don't let my life stop either because when/if my ex decides to come back I want to be the kind of strong and self sufficient partner he deserves, not someone who simply cannot exist without him. I hope everything works out for you!
Author monkeymaid Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 WHOA!!!!! UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....so, today i finally felt comfortable enough to talk to my ex so i texted her,then called her and instantly, she agreed to go for a small outing. ....in 20 minutes, she met me at a hiking trail close to where we both live, and we were off and running. ...literaly. we went for a trail run and it was like nothing was ever wrong and we were back together!!!! we were both playing, flirting hard, lots of touch and she jumped on me afew times, and it was honestly the best i have felt in close to 3 months. after the run, we went to our cars, and we hung out in the back of my suv talking, wrestling, giggling, telling stories, remembering all of the good times, lots of touch, and eye contact, really close, noses rubbing, body contact, tickle fights, etc.... but when i went in to kiss her, she pulled away!?!?! she said "no,you cant do that". i thought she was just protecting herself, but we continued on like it was no big deal, and she did it again. ...i didnt try again till we had to go, and when we were leaving, she got out of her car, came over to me, jumped on my waist, and hugged me, and we wresteld a bit more, and she stared at me for a minute with those glassed over eyes that scream i still love you and, she put her nose close to mine. when i moved in to kiss her, she pulled away again! so i graciously and flirtatiously put her in her car and we drove away with both of us having big **** eating grins on our faces. my question is: is she just guarding herself and being weary of me (which i completely understand) or is she trying to just gain the upper hand and the control back?? is this a defense or a game??
northstar1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 WHOA!!!!! UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....so, today i finally felt comfortable enough to talk to my ex so i texted her,then called her and instantly, she agreed to go for a small outing. ....in 20 minutes, she met me at a hiking trail close to where we both live, and we were off and running. ...literaly. we went for a trail run and it was like nothing was ever wrong and we were back together!!!! we were both playing, flirting hard, lots of touch and she jumped on me afew times, and it was honestly the best i have felt in close to 3 months. after the run, we went to our cars, and we hung out in the back of my suv talking, wrestling, giggling, telling stories, remembering all of the good times, lots of touch, and eye contact, really close, noses rubbing, body contact, tickle fights, etc.... but when i went in to kiss her, she pulled away!?!?! she said "no,you cant do that". i thought she was just protecting herself, but we continued on like it was no big deal, and she did it again. ...i didnt try again till we had to go, and when we were leaving, she got out of her car, came over to me, jumped on my waist, and hugged me, and we wresteld a bit more, and she stared at me for a minute with those glassed over eyes that scream i still love you and, she put her nose close to mine. when i moved in to kiss her, she pulled away again! so i graciously and flirtatiously put her in her car and we drove away with both of us having big **** eating grins on our faces. my question is: is she just guarding herself and being weary of me (which i completely understand) or is she trying to just gain the upper hand and the control back?? is this a defense or a game?? Hard to say, but seems clear she's not ready to let you back in. She might be wanting to be the one in control of things. How did you leave it? Are you going to talk again?
Author monkeymaid Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 when we were leaving, we both said that this was lot of fun, and it was nice to be able to see each other, and she mentioned to me that she wanted to take me to see the soloist when it comes out in the next 2 weeks. no concrete anything though
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