seibert253 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 There should be NO next time if you plan on staying married. 100% right on the money. Sarah I have to keep re-reading your posts, trying to understand where you're at. If you 100% loved your husband with all your heart and soul, why would you make a statement like if your not in love, you won't let it get that far? Statements like these make me, and other's on this board, believe you're not really in love with your husband. You just feel guilty for treating him like crap. Try saying this: I love my husband with all my heart and soul. My actions have made me realize this, and I will do what ever it takes to repair the damage I've caused, and make sure this will NEVER happen again. I want to devote my all to my husband if he will have and forgive me. You've danced all around this statement, but yet to have said it. If you feel this, then state it. If you don't, then let your husband go, because later on down the road, you'll end up right where you are again.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I don't want to decide forever right now. I tried to do that once, and its obviously not something that I'm capable of doing at this time in my life. What I do know, is that I'm screwing up my H's life. I know that needs to stop right now. I know that I need to let him move on, and stop dragging it out. As for forever....I don't know if its the OM, but I DO know that it isn't my H, and the OM makes that part clear, if nothing else. So file for divorce. If you think that this is best for your husband, and you don't believe that you can be faithful to him...that's your only choice. You don't want to be with H forever...which is what is what your vows said. Like you said...time to end it and move on. I feel very sorry for your H. But as you said...it's clear that he deserves far more than you are capable of.
LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I love him. Not IN LOVE, but love him like you love anyone who has been in your life...for most of your life. No kids. . Dear lord, I lived this crap (as a male) for the whole of my 25 year marriage! The only difference? I had no clue. I provided financially, I provided security, I worked and worked, came home and raised two kids. Tried to have the best home on the block. Led Cub Scouts, supported Brownies, and GS's. Was a PTA Guy, Active on the School Board. Thought I was doing great. Did I mention my then wife was a SAHM for the first ten years of the kids life? Mommie Care, not Day Care except when she needed awhile off in the summers. Yes summer day care so she could have her time! Then after 25 years, empty nest, last child on his own... She left to "get space, and find herself" which was code for be with her High School boyfriend (destroying his family too, 3 kids, a bit younger than mine).. her true Soulmate. My whole adult live down the toilet. Gag me with a pitchfork. Let your husband go, give him the freedom to find someone else who will treat him with respect. Please.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 100% right on the money. Sarah I have to keep re-reading your posts, trying to understand where you're at. If you 100% loved your husband with all your heart and soul, why would you make a statement like if your not in love, you won't let it get that far? Statements like these make me, and other's on this board, believe you're not really in love with your husband. You just feel guilty for treating him like crap. Try saying this: I love my husband with all my heart and soul. My actions have made me realize this, and I will do what ever it takes to repair the damage I've caused, and make sure this will NEVER happen again. I want to devote my all to my husband if he will have and forgive me. You've danced all around this statement, but yet to have said it. If you feel this, then state it. If you don't, then let your husband go, because later on down the road, you'll end up right where you are again. I haven't said because I don't feel that way- if I'm going be be honest with myself, and with you. I guess the whole point of my being here is trying to realize that and say it out loud. I'm not in love with him, I married him and stay married to him for all the wrong reasons, and he does not deserve it. He knows it, and can't accept it. It is up to me to make the decision and allow him to move on. I'm realizing that the OM isn't really even a factor in that decision.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Dear lord, I lived this crap (as a male) for the whole of my 25 year marriage! The only difference? I had no clue. I provided financially, I provided security, I worked and worked, came home and raised two kids. Tried to have the best home on the block. Led Cub Scouts, supported Brownies, and GS's. Was a PTA Guy, Active on the School Board. Thought I was doing great. Did I mention my then wife was a SAHM for the first ten years of the kids life? Mommie Care, not Day Care except when she needed awhile off in the summers. Yes summer day care so she could have her time! Then after 25 years, empty nest, last child on his own... She left to "get space, and find herself" which was code for be with her High School boyfriend (destroying his family too, 3 kids, a bit younger than mine).. her true Soulmate. My whole adult live down the toilet. Gag me with a pitchfork. Let your husband go, give him the freedom to find someone else who will treat him with respect. Please. Thank you for sharing that, I don't want that to happen. That's why I'm here, now. At the beginning. I don't anyone to feel like they have wasted any time. At first, I thought it was "who do I choose?" but now I think that it isn't that at all. Thank you everyone. You have helped tremendously. I won't waste any more time. I realize now that it is hurting more than it is helping, and I don't want to hurt my H any more. I'm going to stop doing this. Now.
65tr6 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I guess the whole point of my being here is trying to realize that and say it out loud. I'm not in love with him, I married him and stay married to him for all the wrong reasons, and he does not deserve it. He knows it, and can't accept it. . Sarah...no dont go. Stick around. But really I need your honest opinion... You got married to your husband and then after several years you say you married him for all the wrong reasons. And you clearly dont think OM has nothing to do with it. I respect that.... So, what is that you want, do you even know ? If your husband starts meeting your needs, will you consider staying married to him ? Or you just dont to want stay married to your husband anymore ? To me you are speaking like a true wayward (you can deny all you want) BUT I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Prove me wrong. Can you honestly answer those questions for me ? I am really trying to learn something from you here.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Oh, and Dexter, it is NOT part of my character. I don't believe that. Of course YOU don't believe that:rolleyes: I think that when I am happy, I will not do this. At least, I hope. So you say you don't believe its in your character, then say that you won't do this if happy, or you HOPE you won't. How miserable of a person would I be if this was my character, and I did this.....for my whole life? I hope that is not the truth.I have never so much as flirted with any other guys, other than this one OM. Well you said it yourself, you think if you are "happy" you won't do this. Well guess what, if you are in a long term committed relationship, there are going to be times when you aren't completely happy....you going to use it as an excuse when you cheat on someone in the future? I'm not a bad person. I'm just not happy Then get the hell out of the marriage so you are no longer cheating on a good man. He deserves better.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you everyone. You have helped tremendously. I won't waste any more time. I realize now that it is hurting more than it is helping, and I don't want to hurt my H any more. I'm going to stop doing this. Now. Stop doing what? Cheating and being true to your husband? Or getting a divorce. The former is a mistake, the latter is what you should do. you don't love your husband and he deserves to have someone that loves him back. He is desperate and afraid right now. He doesn't know that you leaving is the best thing for him.
lostsunsets Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 If you can't keep from seeing the other man move. Right now you are simply torturing your husband. He knows about the other man and it is destroying him slowly. His confidence, his self respect, you are taking more then you know from him. You already know the answer, You said it yourself. The longer you stay away from the OM, the better you feel about your husband. Your husband obviously loves you very much. His commitment (unlike yours) to you is his life. You may look at that as too needy. The wife and I had our 29th anniversary Sunday. At this point, I don't know where she stops and I start. Or visa versa. You could have that kind of marriage, But it is a sacrificial love. To have a marriage like that, you will have to sacrifice the OM. You would have to realize that your husbands happiness is your chief concern. You aren't leaving your husband for a reason. I believe the reason is because you do love him. Well, you need to decide, like any adult. Do I live up to my commitments or do I continue down the road I'm on, and flush my marriage and whats left of my integrity? Its your choice
seibert253 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Dear lord, I lived this crap (as a male) for the whole of my 25 year marriage! The only difference? I had no clue. I provided financially, I provided security, I worked and worked, came home and raised two kids. Tried to have the best home on the block. Led Cub Scouts, supported Brownies, and GS's. Was a PTA Guy, Active on the School Board. Thought I was doing great. Did I mention my then wife was a SAHM for the first ten years of the kids life? Mommie Care, not Day Care except when she needed awhile off in the summers. Yes summer day care so she could have her time! Then after 25 years, empty nest, last child on his own... She left to "get space, and find herself" which was code for be with her High School boyfriend (destroying his family too, 3 kids, a bit younger than mine).. her true Soulmate. My whole adult live down the toilet. Gag me with a pitchfork. Let your husband go, give him the freedom to find someone else who will treat him with respect. Please. Dude that sucks.
Darth Vader Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sarah11, serious question/s. If the situation was reversed, and your husband was going out to see another woman, doing God knows what, basically the same thing/s you're doing, at the same time your husband knew that you were hurting because of what he was doing, How would you feel? Put yourself in your husbands shoes, he's feeling gut wrenching pain off any scale known to man, thoughts running through his head, but still loving you at the same time. If he did all of this to you, could you still love him like he loves you right now?
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