Sarah11 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hello everyone- I'm 26, I've been with my husband for 10 years. We have been married for two. When we were together 5 years, I met another guy who I have a lot of chemistry with. I have cheated on my husband with him, and only him, for the past 5 years. I love my husband; he is my best friend. I don't ever want to hurt him by leaving him. BUT, I realize that he doesn't deserve this, and have tried breaking up with him many times. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, says he doesn't care what I do- he just wants to be together. He knows who the other guy is. He knows that I have feelings for him. I'm also almost positive that he knows there's more going on, and doesn't say anything because he just wants to be together. So, as you can probably tell-he is very dependent, emotionally. At the same time, we are complete opposites. I think that I have so much more in common with the other guy, and he wants me to be with him (obviously). He tells me that he is in love with me all the time, and that he will wait until I'm ready to be with him. He says that we will end up together, and he knows it. I know that what I am doing is wrong, but when I don't see the other guy, I'm always thinking about him. I try to stay away, and the longer I do, the more happy I feel with my husband. Then I run into him somewhere, and then it's all over for me again. I have completely different feelings for him. So I guess I have 2 questions: 1. Is the other guy just wanting what he can't have? Or could it be real.....it has been 5 years....? 2. If I should be with my husband and all of the other stuff is in my head, HOW do I stop this horrible pattern??? Thank you so, so much for anyone who is willing to attempt to help me. Please don't tell me how bad I am. I know. I feel it, and I have been in this state of stress and confusion for WAY too long. I'm ready to do something.
citizen67 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well, I think it is obvious that you need to make a decision. What you've been doing is NOT making a decision, and its unfair to all involved including you. If you decide to stay with your husband than you need to cut off all contact with the lover and enter MC. But you shouldnt stay with the husband just b/c that's what he really wants and you feel guilty - that won't work. So if that's your primary purpose for staying then leave and be with the lover. Tell your husband you are terribly sorry for hurting him, but you have to follow your heart.
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hello everyone- I'm 26, I've been with my husband for 10 years. We have been married for two. When we were together 5 years, I met another guy who I have a lot of chemistry with. I have cheated on my husband with him, and only him, for the past 5 years. I love my husband; he is my best friend. I don't ever want to hurt him by leaving him. BUT, I realize that he doesn't deserve this, and have tried breaking up with him many times. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, says he doesn't care what I do- he just wants to be together. He knows who the other guy is. He knows that I have feelings for him. I'm also almost positive that he knows there's more going on, and doesn't say anything because he just wants to be together. So, as you can probably tell-he is very dependent, emotionally. At the same time, we are complete opposites. I think that I have so much more in common with the other guy, and he wants me to be with him (obviously). He tells me that he is in love with me all the time, and that he will wait until I'm ready to be with him. He says that we will end up together, and he knows it. I know that what I am doing is wrong, but when I don't see the other guy, I'm always thinking about him. I try to stay away, and the longer I do, the more happy I feel with my husband. Then I run into him somewhere, and then it's all over for me again. I have completely different feelings for him. So I guess I have 2 questions: 1. Is the other guy just wanting what he can't have? Or could it be real.....it has been 5 years....? 2. If I should be with my husband and all of the other stuff is in my head, HOW do I stop this horrible pattern??? Thank you so, so much for anyone who is willing to attempt to help me. Please don't tell me how bad I am. I know. I feel it, and I have been in this state of stress and confusion for WAY too long. I'm ready to do something. Your husband may have an Idea that you're riding this OM, but, doesn't know for sure. Why don't you stop dragging your poor husband through the mud, and tell him you've been banging this OM, and let your husband go and find someone who will love him and be faithful to him? You've already destroyed him, now LET HIM GO! Talk about selfish!
Author Sarah11 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I should add that since I've been married, I haven't slept with this other man. We talk for hours. We kiss and act like we're together. Nothing further. He does try, though. I just can't do that. Not that what I'm doing is any better, really...
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I should add that since I've been married, I haven't slept with this other man. We talk for hours. We kiss and act like we're together. Nothing further. He does try, though. I just can't do that. Not that what I'm doing is any better, really... That's still cheating!
quankanne Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 no such thing as "can't," as my sister used to tell her kids – the proper word is "won't" ... sounds like you've convinced yourself that you have no recourse but to stay married yet get an extra helping on the side. And deep down you know it's not right. so ... instead of hiding behind whatever your husband's responses have been, seriously think about what YOU want out of life ... and what your husband NEEDS. you want this other man; your husband needs to be in a relationship where he's treated with respect. sounds like you know that it's time to call it quits with him, because it's apparent you won't allow yourself to give up your lover. And that's no way for any of y'all to have to live.
seibert253 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Make a choice. You owe that to your husband, and yourself. If you truly love your husband you will say goodbye to OM and never contact him again. Then you can consentrate on being the wife you should be, and the one your husband deserves. If you can't give your all to your husband, then you owe it to him to cut him loose, so he can find someone who will.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 There is a solution to this mess... ...cut the OM out of your life...COMPLETELY. Yes, it will hurt at first. Yes, you'll 'miss' him. Yes, you'll cry and be hurt by the loss. But, yes, it will fade with time, and with your own emotional re-investment in your husband. If you can't do that...it begs the question...why the heck did you marry your husband in the first place?
corwin Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You "CAN" stop cheating.... you simply choose not to because you're a "cake-eater". Tell your husband everything about this affair, when it started, how long it's been going on.... and details of the sex if your husband wants to know that. Then let him decide if he wants to remain married to you. If he does, then you need to make a similar decision, divorce or marriage. If you also choose marriage, get with a good Marriage Counselor and go No Contact with the other scumbag for life. You owe your husband the complete truth if nothing else. You've been a cake-eating coward for 5 years. It's time to fess up and take your medicine.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Hello everyone- I'm 26, I've been with my husband for 10 years. We have been married for two. When we were together 5 years, I met another guy who I have a lot of chemistry with. I have cheated on my husband with him, and only him, for the past 5 years. I love my husband Bulls##t and onions. If you are cheating on him, you don't love him. he is my best friend. And yet you stab him in the back. With friends like that.....well, you know the rest. I don't ever want to hurt him by leaving him. BUT, I realize that he doesn't deserve this, and have tried breaking up with him many times. Then you are not trying hard enough. See an attorney and file for divorce. Set him free from the likes of you. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, says he doesn't care what I do- he just wants to be together. He is a cuckold in desperation. He is distraught and can't bear the thought of divorce...alot of people can't and will justify to the end why they should stay in the marriage...even to someone like you. Being rid of you would be the best thing for him, he just doesn't want to believe it. So I guess I have 2 questions: 1. Is the other guy just wanting what he can't have? Or could it be real.....it has been 5 years....? Who cares? If we told you he only wants you as sex on the side or something like that, would you all of a sudden run back to your husband and renew your feelings for him? no, you wouldn't. You'd just wait it out until the next guy came along that got you wet. 2. If I should be with my husband and all of the other stuff is in my head, HOW do I stop this horrible pattern??? You don't. Its a part of your character....who you are. You will always look to better deal your husband. Thank you so, so much for anyone who is willing to attempt to help me. Please don't tell me how bad I am. I know. I feel it, and I have been in this state of stress and confusion for WAY too long. I'm ready to do something. Then do it. Get an attorney and do right by your husband and set him free. He will probably wittle down to 120 pounds before its said and done. But in the long run, he WILL realize that its the best thing for him. Especially after a while when he finds a good woman, he'll realize you were poison.
samsungxoxo Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 But isn't that simple. One chooses as whether to cheat or not. I choose not to eat junk because it's bad for me and I don't do it. And yes if you kissed the other man and acted like you're together then you still cheated on your husband. I agree that if for whatever reason you can't stop cheating then leave your husband, don't listen to what his definition of happiness is. If you're not happy with him then yes do set him free. Just because you're married for 5 years doesn't mean that you gotta stay with him or that you're forced to. It's not like you're tied up in chains. If you got kids then leave him as well too, don't ever stay for the kids' sake, that won't work.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 wow...well thank you everyone for your honesty. To clear things up a little- once again- I am NOT sleeping with the OM. Also- my husband knows about him. As I said before. I'm not sneaking around. He KNOWS. He also knows exactly who he is. He says he doesn't care, as long as we're together. I know that neither of these things make it better- but I'm not sneaking around, no one is using anyone for sex, and I haven't lied once. I tell him every time I see the OM. Of course it hurts him, but he says he doesn't want to lose me. That's why I feel like I'm in a bad position. Yeah, yeah, I know....I put myself there. I'm not trying to play the victim. At the same time, I'm not doing this because I'm evil. I just want different things than my husband does, and he won't accept it. I've told him 1000000 times. So I'm in the situation I'm in because I don't have the guts to take the jump and hurt him even more.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Which do you think will hurt him more...finding out that you're involved in an emotional affair with OM, one that will very likely continue to grow until it destroys your marriage...or divorce? Really? This isn't about you trying to protect your husband...this is about you trying to maintain the status quo and have BOTH...OM and your H. It's not about not having the guts...it's about wanting both.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Oh, and Dexter, it is NOT part of my character. I don't believe that. I think that when I am happy, I will not do this. At least, I hope. How miserable of a person would I be if this was my character, and I did this.....for my whole life? I hope that is not the truth.I have never so much as flirted with any other guys, other than this one OM. I'm not a bad person. I'm just not happy, and confused. Sometimes I think the OM blurs my vision and messes with my head. Other times I think he reminds me of what makes me happy, and what I want in my life. f-if I know. I give up.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Oh, and Dexter, it is NOT part of my character. I don't believe that. I think that when I am happy, I will not do this. At least, I hope. How miserable of a person would I be if this was my character, and I did this.....for my whole life? I hope that is not the truth.I have never so much as flirted with any other guys, other than this one OM. I'm not a bad person. I'm just not happy, and confused. Sometimes I think the OM blurs my vision and messes with my head. Other times I think he reminds me of what makes me happy, and what I want in my life. f-if I know. I give up. THEN GET RID OF OM...AND YOUR VISION WILL CLEAR AND YOUR HEAD WILL BE MESS FREE! It's THAT simple. Not easy...but simple. That...or get rid of your husband. Choosing both...IS a reflection of character. What kind of person do you want to be?
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 So I don't know how to do everything on here....but in response to this: "Which do you think will hurt him more...finding out that you're involved in an emotional affair with OM, one that will very likely continue to grow until it destroys your marriage...or divorce?" He already knows. Has since the beginning. and this: "This isn't about you trying to protect your husband...this is about you trying to maintain the status quo and have BOTH...OM and your H." I don't want both. I can't do it. I've tried to end it with my H a million times, and he doesn't eat or sleep. I feel guilty. He can't handle it. I have stressed out about this for years. I do not want both.
65tr6 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 OP... Facts (presumptous, i know) 1) First of all you dont LOVE your husband. You think you do 2) You are in love with OM 3) If you had a choice you would leave your husband in a heartbeat Question 1) Do you have any kids ? Next Step 1) Tell your husband that you are emotionally involved with OM. (probably knows anyway). That you are IN love with OM.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I'm not a bad person. I'm just not happy, and confused. Then go get help. Do counselling and figure it out. You staying married and knowingly hurting your husband (since he told you so) is WORSE than leaving him. DO NOT let fear of the unknown, being alone stop you from letting go and divorcing. Your husband is scared too and that's why he is allowing you to be 'friends' with the OM - BUT, if he knew that you were sexually attracted and emotionally attached to the OM more than you've been letting on, I'm sure he would be think about it and realize he's better off alone than being married to someone only in name. You can't take responsibility for your husband and stay because you're scared and feel guilty. He is a grown man and can get help and support from family, friends and also counselling. You are not his parent, so stop protecting him and start being completely honest. You want to stay unhappy for his sake? Rather him happy and you not? Come on, that's no way to live. If you don't want both, then either END it with the OM completely and work on the marriage or get a divorce. Stop letting fears get in the way of the bigger picture here.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 So I don't know how to do everything on here....but in response to this: "Which do you think will hurt him more...finding out that you're involved in an emotional affair with OM, one that will very likely continue to grow until it destroys your marriage...or divorce?" He already knows. Has since the beginning. and this: "This isn't about you trying to protect your husband...this is about you trying to maintain the status quo and have BOTH...OM and your H." I don't want both. I can't do it. I've tried to end it with my H a million times, and he doesn't eat or sleep. I feel guilty. He can't handle it. I have stressed out about this for years. I do not want both. OK...you don't want both. Simple enough...that makes this choice much simpler. Either file for divorce...or tell OM goodbye, and remove him from your life. EITHER option is going to be a "forever" choice. So...right now, this instant...when I ask who do you want to be with forever...who comes in your mind? Get rid of the other one. That simple. NOT EASY...but you know that at the bottom of it all...it's that simple. So what's your choice?
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 What kind of person do you want to be? Thank you. You are right. I don't want to be this person anymore. I am not this person. I don't know how I became this. I do know that I won't always be this. Next time I won't let it get this far. If I'm not in love, I will end it then. My H deserves someone who would not do this to him, whether he knows that now or not. I need to just rip the damn band-aid off already, and stop peeling it off slowly.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Next time I won't let it get this far. If I'm not in love, I will end it then. There should be NO next time if you plan on staying married.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 OK...you don't want both. Simple enough...that makes this choice much simpler. Either file for divorce...or tell OM goodbye, and remove him from your life. EITHER option is going to be a "forever" choice. So...right now, this instant...when I ask who do you want to be with forever...who comes in your mind? Get rid of the other one. That simple. NOT EASY...but you know that at the bottom of it all...it's that simple. So what's your choice? I don't want to decide forever right now. I tried to do that once, and its obviously not something that I'm capable of doing at this time in my life. What I do know, is that I'm screwing up my H's life. I know that needs to stop right now. I know that I need to let him move on, and stop dragging it out. As for forever....I don't know if its the OM, but I DO know that it isn't my H, and the OM makes that part clear, if nothing else.
samsungxoxo Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 As for forever....I don't know if its the OM, but I DO know that it isn't my H, and the OM makes that part clear, if nothing else. Then like the other posters have suggested, you would have to end it with your husband and basically let him be happy and not stay with you out of fear of losing you.
Author Sarah11 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 OP... Facts (presumptous, i know) 1) First of all you dont LOVE your husband. You think you do 2) You are in love with OM 3) If you had a choice you would leave your husband in a heartbeat Question 1) Do you have any kids ? Next Step 1) Tell your husband that you are emotionally involved with OM. (probably knows anyway). That you are IN love with OM. I love him. Not IN LOVE, but love him like you love anyone who has been in your life...for most of your life. No kids. My H knows how I feel. He asked me. I told him. Like I said, I'm very upfront about it. He also asked me why OM and I can't stay away from each other, (we will for a few months, and then we start talking again), and I said I didn't know. He said "okay, well don't have sex with him." and that was all. Really. It is the strangest thing.
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