The "Talk" (a sub-thread from "Why I believe best friends shouldn't date")

[vanilla87]

Okay so for all of you that have read that other thread, there was a post that was made about the "talk". The one you have with your friend about how you feel about him/her and why you feel this way. About how you finally confessed your undying love or how you tell that person you can't be friends anymore because you want more then just conversation.

 

This thread is for everyone that has actually confessed and wondering how you went about it and what the outcome of it was after you confessed everything to your friend. Tell your story or give some advice to those that are seeking the best route possible and bring up the conversation with out saying or doing something they might feel be a mistake.

[WTRanger]

I'm 1-1-1 on this subject.

 

1 time she felt the same way, dated for 2 years, had to break up with her (a good mutual breakup) when I had to move across the country. We are best friends today.

 

1 time she didn't feel the same way, we talked it out and are still close friends today.

 

1 time is neutral or a tie, I'm still waiting on her to actually have the real talk.

 

The first two times the talk was almost instant or within a week of the initial feelings being told. This time, it's taking much longer for one person to come to terms. She has given no indication either way, but makes little progress. This is that whole, the farther they run does that mean they really do have some deep emotions and are not ready to admit them whole conundrum.

 

Because of her distance, it makes me feel really bad sometimes for putting her on the spot like that. Sometimes I wish I would have kept it all in, but I think that's not the best way to go either. This one is a real doozy.

 

My advice is, if you feel that strongly for someone just go for it. Follow your heart and you cannot make a mistake.

[Cherished]

I don't think she does have deep feelings for you. Love isn't uncertain. If she loved you, she would love you without doubt.

It has nothing to do with being friends because hopefully your lover is also your friend so that makes no sense.

She is not in love with you. She is only uncertain when she is not with someone else.

She does not want you above all other men or she would be with you without doubt.

If that guy friend of yours loved you, he would go for it without doubt. He isn't going for it. He still doesn't feel that passion of really wanting you.

[somedude81]

LOL I actually did "the talk" but I'm not going to hijack this thread.

[WTRanger]

I think realization of feelings and love can be an uncertain thing. It can all depend on what is happening in one person's life at that time. Love might not fit in, but that does not mean that they do not have those feelings towards someone. That's one of the reasons this board was created. There are probably hundreds if not thousands of posts that deal with, "I love person X but I can't date them right now or I can't tell them or I can't see them or it doesn't fit my plan or why did I have to fall in love or how do I tell them I love them but I don't love them etc."

 

If love and all the complexities involved with it was a completely certain thing and there was no doubt involved, therapists, psychologists, life coaches and this very board would not exist.

 

If there are no feelings, why the distance? Why the waffling? I agree, I don't think she sees me any more than just a good friend, but why would that be so hard to admit? Why run away from it? There are quite a few people that agree that sometimes, and I repeat sometimes, when a person runs away from something like the talk they are afraid of any sort of self realization. They might be afraid of your feelings, thier feelings, getting back into the dance so to speak as they may have been really hurt in a past relationship, maybe thier life is just really complicated right now and they might see a new relationship as extra stress. All sorts of things. Some people just deal with these issues by running away to a safe place for a bit. Not everyone grabs life's little foibles by the nuggets and takes charge.

 

Heck, honestly if you asked me if I wanted to date this girl I would say "Yes, with a but." or "No, with a maybe." I care about her, but things have happened in my life that would cause me to second guess being in any relationship at this point even though I may feel that way towards someone. I wouldn't want to put the added pressure of my life taking a detour on anyone right now, so yes, I would probably avoid the talk too.

 

To put it in everyday terms, what would you think about someone who stands at the ordering window of small place that only sells hot dogs and hamburgers. This person has been standing at the window for 5 weeks, and has made no attempt to make a decision nor have they leaned towards what decision, hot dog or hamburger, they are going to make. They act completely normal, and they are completely aware of the decision they are faced with. You'd think they were f*cking nuts and send them off to get comitted to a nice padded room. It's no different with love. Love drives more people insane than anything else.

 

But I digress, this post is about the talk and not specificly my case.

[WTRanger]

Somedude, go ahead and post your experiences. That's what this post is about. This area is absolutly not black and white when it comes to outcomes or how people act. It's all shades of gray with a nice hue of vague and a tint of confusion.

[Cherished]

Sorry but someone who is waffling and saying "but" or "maybe" or "love doesn't fit into my life right now" regarding a guy isn't in love with you. All that stuff you wrote is just excuses and trying to confirm to yourself that she sees you as "the one"....when she does not.

[vanilla87]

Hmm interesting how no one has actually decided to talk about their experiences. Is everyone afraid about what someone will think on here? I mean if your responding here, you are probably in the same boat, so please share with the rest of us. This is a thread about openly telling us about the conversation that you had with your friend about being more then friends.

 

I'll go first so everyone gets what I mean by this thread.

 

I've had the talk, twice, at two different times in my life with the same guy.

 

Once when I was 16. I wrote him a note, told him everything in it. How I felt, how I saw him in my eyes, how he was as a person in general to me. I basically laid my heart on the line in a 4 page note. Yeah I know long, but I had a lot more to say then 4 pages, thank god I only gave him 4 pages . Anyway, he avoided me for three whole days, couldn't even look me in the eye on the same day I gave him the note, to the point that when I was talking to a friend and we went off to the closest in the room, he came in put himself smack dab in the middle and faced her with his back towards me and talked to her and ignored me. I finally called him up on saturday, asking what was going on. He told me that he felt he was not good enough for me that he thought it was better we stayed friends and that we both agreed and we were cool about it all even at 16 and him at 18, we handled it like two mature adults. I mean on monday we acted like it never happened really, so we stayed friends.

 

Okay now the second time was a little backwards in how it went. It happened this past september. He is 23 and I'm 21 for anyone that needs to know. Its 5 years later after the last talk we had. I never even brought up how I felt about him, even thought that july i told him in an email and gave him 2 months of spaced, didn't talked to him, but he ended up IM'ing me one night, about a full 30 hrs after he had just come home from dropping his gf off at college for her first time, which was about 15 hrs away. We had the talk, more so he was trying to tell me while I was the one that avoided it. He told me he had too much respect for me and that there was a proper way of going about it all, because we hooked up while he was on his 100th break form his gf. He never knew if he was dating her half the time because they faught so much.

 

Anyway, he also told me that he felt as thought it would be like fitting a square peg into a round hole when it comes to trying to be something more. That he tried to get it out of me if I was hurt and i tried hard, but I sort of told him I was a little while he said "Yeah thats like me saying i can separate my emotions from it", which kind of tipped me off to knowing that he was doing this because he was involved with someone else and knew he couldn't do it. What made it more apparent was that I knew deep down by avoiding it was making the impression that it didn't matter as much as it did, when it was the complete opposite. I went over with the intentions of just hooking up and no strings attached and didn't have any till I walked in my front door and went to my room and started to cry because I knew i was lying to myself all along. He told me that he was sorry for everything I've been through and couldn't bare to hurt me like my ex bf's have in the past and didn't want to be that kind of guy, but I know him too well, which is why I believe he may piss me off and annoy the hell out of me, but I find it hard that he could be as cruel as my ex's, trust me.

 

Anyway, he told me in his exact words "We've been friends for so long, that I don't want this to be awkward between us and your the one person that no matter how far away you are I can confined in and I really appreciate it...", and its very true. He was stationed over seas in afghan for 6-8 months in 2006 and we talked almost every other day or when he had free time. I was one of the first people besides my other friend he knows, to come see him when he first got home after being officially let go from the army. He told me that he didn't even see his brother yet and was glad to really see me by doing the bear hug and twirling me around and then not letting go for almost 10 seconds saying he missed me, alot.

 

There is a lot more to the story and even more keeps happening as time goes on. The major piece to the puzzle is this: I've always known he had a crush on me, long before i even thought of him as something more then a friend. I was annoyed at him my sophmore year of hs and he wouldn't leave me alone and found excuses just to talk to me, touch me, even be near me when I was around. I finally asked him if he wanted more then sex with me back in hs and he told me he did, but that it wouldn't have ended well and I know for a fact that I was 100% a different person and know I would have made a huge mistake dating him then. I also asked him about this makeout we had in february of 2008 and he told me he wanted something but he realized I was too vulnerable and that he ended up keeping distance and then two weeks later my aunt passed away from breast cancer and he ended up with the girl he dated till this past december.

 

Bottom line is I know its never going to be over between me and him and that its always going to be there no matter what happens. But something tells me you can only pretend for so long about whats really going on and I think he is coming to terms with it, slowly...

[WTRanger]

Cherished, I wish I could see life as black and white as you do but, sadly I guess, I do not. I wish every girl I've ever met I could have known 100% yes or no if I wanted to date them or if I had feelings for them or if I just lusted after them. To me, doors are not shut or open only. I see them as all sorts of cracked, half open, almost open, almost closed etc. But that's the beauty of people and why this board can be extremely helpful. Very few people see things the same way. I completely respect your views and your opinions, however they tend to differ from my views and opinions. This isn't a case about who is right and who is wrong, it's about your experiences. What are some of your experiences in this matter? Good, bad, indifferent?

 

Regarding the phrase love doesn't fit into your life, I've been there before and it was true. Before being deployed overseas I on purpose did not initiate anything serious with a girl that I truly did love and she loved me. But I did not want her sitting at home waiting for me while I was deployed. I could not have put her through that kind of emotional hell. I refused to. Did that mean I didn't love her or think about her everyday I was gone? I know how I felt in that situation. If you love someone, why would you on purpose put them through that kind of torture so early on in a relationship and expect it to work? I could see if we had an established relationship that a strong foundation, but certainly not in the first critical months. I did what I felt in my heart was to protect this person from having to deal what goes on during a deployment. Was it the right thing to do? I'll never know as she passed on during the time I was gone. But I'll stick with my gut that it was the right thing to do. So at that point in my life, yes, love certainly did not fit into my life even though I was confronted with it.

 

Whether or not this is the case now, only time will tell. I'll go ahead and keep my stupid hopes up. I'll keep an ear open for what she has to tell me, because as it has been discussed no two relationships are ever the same. What works for some, doesn't work for others. Will it end in disaster for me? Probably, but that's the risk I'm willing to take. I think she's worth it. Will I wait around forever? No, but I'll give her some more time to at least talk about why she's doing what she's doing. Because, in reality, only she knows the root of her actions. You can say I'm still hoping for a typical Hollywood ending but sooner or later I'm sure the harsh reality will catch up with me and you'll see my post somewhere on this board.

 

If you've found the way to get this whole thing stripped down to black and white, to A and B answers, to Yes and No. I highly suggest you write them down and sell millions of self-help books and retire richer than the richest Kings. You've found the pot at the end of the rainbow so to speak.

[Jack of Hearts]

As WTR knows, with my issue she only wants to talk after she's had a few. Granted, I could just talk to her about it anyways keeping in mind the old adage "In wine, there's truth". But I would rather talk to her about it soberly to avoid any confusion.

[WTRanger]

Maybe this issue really is black and white. I had some time to think and try to understand why some people go distant with the talk. Probably because they don't have feelings but they do not know how to express their lack of feelings. Maybe it really is that easy. Maybe I really am making excuses and trying to fool myself into believing what the truth really is. Maybe I should just move on in my case, let this die inside me and go find someone who actually wants to be open and have free flowing dialog and emotions between us.

 

I'm starting to think the dumbest thing I could have done was tell this person my true feelings. I feel this person was worth the risk, but damn I do not like having this distance between us. It's not like we'll never be friends again, but there is a distance that grew very quickly between us because of those pesky feelings. It's slowly, very slowly closing back to us getting close again but it'll be a while for sure.

 

The even stranger question to this whole topic is how the deal with the fallout and how much / how long do you pursue someone who does not give you a direct answer. Their actions pretty much speak louder than any words they could say. A wise person once said, "When a person shows you who they are through their actions, not words, believe it the FIRST time." This person obviously is showing me she does not give a flying f*ck about me or what I had to say by keeping her distance. So why is it I care still?

 

As the great Homer Simpson once said, "You tried and failed miserably. The lesson is. Never try." or "To be liked you have to work hard at it every day, but to be a jerk you don't have to do squat!"

[messiah]

ive recently told a close girl mate that i have feelings for her and i want something more. She doesnt see me in that light which is fair enough. But I told her i like her too much to just be her mate, i cant sit by and watch her hook up with other guys and i told her as long as i have feelings for you we cant be friends. She didnt take that too well, she is really upset about it. Im pretty much just ignoring her and i can tell she is really hurt by it. I feel like such an ******* but im sure im doing the right thing? i have to think about my own feelings. what do you guys think?

[WTRanger]

Messiah, I think you have to think about yourself first sometimes. I'm not sure about never being her friend again, but for sure in the near future you have to back away from her. Unless she's never been in this situation she probably doesn't understand what you are going through. Her being hurt shows that she does indeed care about you as a friend and she likes you in her life but she doesn't understand how you feel either. You're not a jerk, but you have to protect yourself first.

 

Having feelings for a friend who does not see you the same way is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. It's hard. It rips your heart into pieces to see this person who you care so much about show that care to someone else. You've made great friends together, your time together is amazing, you two click and all of the parts of the relationship equation is there. So why doesn't it all add up?

 

Maybe you can explain to her that while you feel like total crap for doing this to her, she has to understand what it'll do to you if you keep hanging around her. Tell her that you need a good amount of time to figure out where she fits in your life and if you can let your feelings for her kind of settle down. Maybe when they do settle down you can be OK with just being her friend.

[Invideo]

I've recently admitted to my best friend that I am in love with her... I knew I didn't had any chacnes with her, but I just wanted to tell her how I felt. She is still my best friend, and I think I'm closer to her (as a friend I mean). I am still in love with her REALLY REALLY REALLY much, that I think I would even die for her, but I know I can't hope for anything so I'll just try to ignore my feelings, even tough that is very hard. Every time she talks to a guy, or when some annoying horny son of a bitch (today) starts talking to her and hugging her I feel awfully jealous, that I could even start crying like a little baby...

 

In my head, because I know that she will always see me as only a friend (maybe a good friend, but still) and that nothing can't be between us, I hope that my feelings will be gone soon because I am in deep pain and I want to stay friends with her, but in my heart I still know that I want her, and that I can't live without her...

[paddington bear]

Hmmm, I've never been brave enough to do 'the talk' - but I have talked around the talk with the other person involved, both knowing that someone, namely me, has more feelings than the other person. I have never been able to bring myself to actually confess my true feelings out of feeling embarrassed and knowing in my heart of hearts that I'd get rejected, so it's more that I put feelers out and then quickly pull them back in again as soon as there's a hint of 'I don't want you'.

 

1 - best male friend (who had started out as a date, who I slept with on a few occassions, started going out together until he told me he was still in love with his ex. Then we drifted into friendship - friendship for him, heartbreak and hoping he'd come around for me). He, as I recall, said 'I'd go out with you, but we're just too similar, we have too much in common, you need differences in a relationship'. He then tried to get into the pants of my flatmate and I went crazy, bad enough that he didn't want me, but to have that fact rubbed in my face every day with him chasing the person I lived with is another thing entirely. During that argument he accused me of acting more like a girlfriend than a friend, that a friend wouldn't be annoyed with him wanting her flatmate. And he was right to some degree, but also insensitive in another, we'd had sex together, had intimate talks about our lives and hopes and dreams, he knew damn well that he only had to say the word and I'd be his and to go for someone that close to home, for me, was being purposefully insensitive.

 

I eventually left the country to get away from him - his best friend on hearing this news said 'Are you leaving the country to escape from a man who won't commit to you?', which at least made me feel like I wasn't going crazy, imagining that there was some connection there between us, if his best mate saw it, then 'something' was there. We are still friends, and now I no longer care who he sleeps with, flirts with, what he does, but it took physical distance and time for me to put him properly in the friendship box.

 

2 - another best male friend in the new country - a female friend of mine said 'Do NOT do this again, you fancy him, he hasn't made any moves on you, you DO NOT need another friend, you want a boyfriend'. Thought I could handle it, ignored her advice. He would ask me out on what I suppose were dates, taken for drinks, out clubbing and over to his place for a glass of wine and then just as I was wondering 'are these dates? or is this a 'friends going out having fun together' thing?' I got the 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' phonecall, maybe one day in the future, but not right now. Told him about man number 1 above and how that destroyed my self-esteem and how I couldn't go through that again and that when he did meet someone that he fell for I'd be simply dropped. I was told 'I would never do that to you, Never'.

 

Months later I had 'the talk' or a version of it. Told him that I didn't want to rely on him as a substitute boyfriend, that try as I had he was filling the gap of a man in my life, but not fully filling it so therefore preventing me from meeting someone that did want me and that I needed to make an *insert name* shaped hole in my life, otherwise I would never meet a guy who would actually want more than friendship. He responded 'I really need to sort out my relationship issues', but needless to say, still hasn't.

 

I've been trying to distance myself from him, but he's making it hard for me, says things like 'but you'll always be in my life, right?' 'We'll always be friends no matter what'. And yes, we probably will, but let's face it, as soon as one or the other of us meet someone else, the relationship will change and we won't be so close. And being honest, I think I'm in love with this guy, he doesn't want me, and yet he won't let me go, every time I try to push him away (nicely of course) he keeps dragging me back, come and work and live with me abroad for months, come and live in the same apartment block as me and on and on - which is very hard to resist, and I think it's hard to truly find someone else when you've a friend of the opposite sex that fulfills nearly (nearly) all your needs.

 

My advice is simply not to have single friends of the opposite sex - guy number one I didn't even find attractive at all when we first met and I still fell for him after spending time with him, so you're never safe. I will never ever do this again, it simply leads to massive complications and takes all that love in your heart and mental energy away from meeting a person who does want you.

 

I regret with both guys not simply saying during 'the talk' or from the offset "Well, I'm sorry, I'd love to be friends with you, but right now I'm looking for a boyfriend, when I've found one, then we can hang out" and simply walked away. Bascially it is insulting to be that close to someone and for them not to be sexually attracted to you at any point during all your time together and it does lower your self-esteem. My advice to anyone else thinking on embarking on 'friendship' with someone they're attracted to is not to do it. Make the boundaries from the beginning, otherwise someone always gets hurt.

 

I read an extract from Rhonda Fielding's The Commitment Cure - re: The ambivalent man, and it sure applies to man number 2 and has helped me a little bit understand his behaviour. Mind you, I'm finding it very hard to distance myself from him, but am trying my best to get out there and meet other guys, not to make him jealous, just to end up having the relationship I want with a man, but still retaining him as a friend seeing as that's all he wants from me.

[WTRanger]

Paddington Bear, I feel your pain on guy #2. I know exactly how you feel. That's the worst end of this whole situation is when they tell you they need to "figure things out" or "process." That doesn't not give you any clear answer so you are stuck in limbo for some time. Limbo is worse than hell, it's a second by second way of living. You want to give them time to figure things out in the hope that they will come around. But how much time is too much? You almost want to give them an ultimatum. Tell them that they have X weeks to make a decision. You'll take maybe as a no, because that's what it usually means anyways and no decision on their part is also a pretty clear decision.

 

Granted the ultimatum may and probably will backfire and it may even backfire before you get an answer but at least you'll be out of limbo. Has anyone tried the ultimatum? In the book "Killing Yourself to Live" by Chuck Klosterman he talks about giving a female friend and ultimatum but he ends the book before he gets an answer.

 

Invideo, that's rough man. If it kills you that much to see her with other guys that's the other extreme of this. Sometimes the best way to let the feelings settle is to distance yourself from her, at least physically. That way after some time passes you might be able to see her flirt with other guys and not be so mad and hurt that you could bend steel bars with your bare hands.

 

It's so hard though. You know you need distance to heal but you don't want to let them out of your life either. At least you told her, but that does little to douse the flames. It's like sneezing on a raging fire.

[paddington bear]

WT Ranger - sad to hear you're in the same sorry state as me, according to one relationship guide I read, if the guy is humming and haawwing for whatever reason, you simply distance yourself, be your normal sweet, kind self, glad to hear from him when he calls and so on, but make the effort to not see or talk to him as much as usual, date other people, this both gives him the time to figure out what he wants and doesn't make you feel like he's some puppet-master pulling on all your emotional strings, but most importantly gives you the time to figure out what you want. A decisive man who thinks you're something great and wouldn't risk losing you by having to 'figure it out' might be nice

 

However...this theory is all well and good (and I'm trying it - meeting other men does help, even if just to flirt with), but, if you're in love with someone else it's hard to fully allow another person in, that is the rather large flaw in that theory.

 

Funnily enough my guy number 1 has just been given an ultimatum by his current girlfriend who must have the patience of a saint dealing with a total commitment-phobic man. Move in with me by x date, or the relationship is off I will give her a gold star if she manages to swing that one.

 

I think there's a 3rd question here, for some of us anyway, (myself particularly) why are we allowing our hearts and fragile egos to get eternally battered by being around someone we love who can't love us back the way we want? I'm actually going to go to therapy to figure out why I've done this to myself for a second time. I mean how stupid is that? Can't blame the guy, he's been up-front about what he wants from our relationship, it's me who's the stupid idiot hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that he'll somehow, one day, see the light, when he clearly won't.

[LovieDove24]

 

I think there's a 3rd question here, for some of us anyway, (myself particularly) why are we allowing our hearts and fragile egos to get eternally battered by being around someone we love who can't love us back the way we want?

 

Its a form of self sabotage. Deep down, subconciously probably, you don't 100% believe you truly deserve love. Therefore, you are finding relationships that mirror this. I have been there myself, and even just knowing this does not make it go away. What DOES make it go away is slowly allowing yourself to receive love by way of meditation, positive thinking and a healthy dose of self-love.

[Invideo]

Invideo, that's rough man. If it kills you that much to see her with other guys that's the other extreme of this. Sometimes the best way to let the feelings settle is to distance yourself from her, at least physically. That way after some time passes you might be able to see her flirt with other guys and not be so mad and hurt that you could bend steel bars with your bare hands.

 

It's so hard though. You know you need distance to heal but you don't want to let them out of your life either. At least you told her, but that does little to douse the flames. It's like sneezing on a raging fire.

 

Yea... I don't want to let her go, if nothing I still want to be a good friends with her, but even if I wanted to keep away from her, I couldn't because she goes to my class in school and she is my siting pal (or however you call it on English). Maybe, just maybe, one day she might see me as something more then just a friend, until then, I'll just deal with the fact that I'm just a friend..

[The Collector]

Sometimes there may be occasions where attraction appears or develops after knowing someone as a friend for a while, but most of the time you know from the first meeting whether you fancy someone or not. If you do, don't try and win their trust by showing what a non-sexual, non-threatening friend you can be. Or you will end up a friend and never anything more.

 

If and when you find someone attractive, make it (kind of) clear you find them attractive and you are a sexual person who wants to take it further. If they don't respond, move on to someone else. You can still maybe be friends, they won't not respect you because you tried it on with them initially.

 

Or spend years suffering, deceiving them, but maybe enjoying on some level that most pure but painful form of love, the unrequited.

[WTRanger]

Its a form of self sabotage. Deep down, subconciously probably, you don't 100% believe you truly deserve love.

 

Maybe, but it could also be part of who we are as a person. We could just be naturally inquisitive people with thick skulls. We want to figure out what makes the other person tick and we won't stop until we do, sometimes at great personal cost to ourselves. We want to achieve what the other 99% of the population would deem as "the impossible." We're the people when others look at a tall building they see a tall building. When we look at it we tell ourselves, "I could build that one floor taller."

 

In my case I did fancy this girl from the get go. Once I got to know her in the initial stages I started to make my intentions known, that I was not going to go into the friends zone without on hell of a fight. She picked up on them and when she started to get a little weak in the knees about the subject, I put the final nail in the wall so to speak. I put everything out there, and well, you know where I stand now. Yup, in the waiting room pacing around smoking pack after pack of unfiltered cigarettes. It sucks, but I have been distancing (I guess a good distance, if that is such a thing) myself slowly from her so I can let myself heal more than anything. When we do talk, she still admits she needs to be honest and open with me as I was to her, but still cannot bring herself to do it. So I'm nice to her, and I don't think I act any differently to her with the exception that as the time goes on I can feel my fire for her as more than a friend starting to die down. However, there still is that little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe. Keep the hope alive."

 

Which brings me to hope and I'll use two vastly different quotes on hope from the movie "Shawshank Redemption."

 

Andy: There are things in this world that are not carved out of gray stone. That there's a small place inside of us they can never lock away, and that place is called hope.

 

Red: Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a man insane. It's got no place here. Better get used to the idea.

 

(Later on in the film)

Andy: Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.

 

What does love and being locked in prison have to with each other? Well, sometimes isn't it one and the same?

[Charles1978]

I was involved in a saga that went on for months. In the beginning, it was clear that we were both interested, but there were complicating factors such as a mutual friend of ours that was interested in me also. So, when that came out, we pretty much fell into a pretty strong friendship. To this day, she tells me that she is closer to me than even any of her girl friends. But time went on, and I became frustrated with the situation. To me, it seemed that she enjoyed the attention and the companionship, but was never willing to make an emotional investment. She would use the old line that she isn't interested in any relationship right now, but that one might be in the cards in the future. I don't play those games, and I can decipher what that really means... I am no idiot, so I cut off all contact with a very brief and to-the-point explanation that I was tired of the situation and frustrated with it. I cut her out of my life.

 

That only lasted a month. Innevitably, she saw me out with another girl, and it brought her feelings to the surface. She wanted to talk again, and so we met and talked it out. Unfortunately, we just get along perfectly and we have fallen into the same old habits... the very thing that I was trying to remove from my life. All of her friends told me that I did the right thing and that they were secretly proud of me for making that move because they just think she likes the attention. So now, I am considering quietly removing myself from the situation once again so that I can pursue a real relationship with a couple girls that I am seeing currently. I say this because I need to get her out of my head so that I can fully give myself to another girl, but also because she makes other girls uneasy dating me because one of my best friends is a girl who claims to have feelings for me. I know what I need to do, but it is never easy.

 

People should be totally honest with their feelings on this issue. I do not regret one bit telling her how I feel about her, but I do regret not being able to pull away completely. And she needs to stop with the bs excuses, or just give in to them if they feelings are there. The games currently being played are a huge turnoff for me, and has probably permanently poisoned the situation from my perspective.

[MagicRat09]

Hi everyone I joined to tell my story.

 

Met a girl at a party 2 years ago. She knocked me flat at first sight. First time in my life that's ever happened. We started talking and I had her in hysterical laughter the whole evening, we really connected. Found out she had a BF and backed off but we stayed in touch.

 

She was with this guy another year or so, off and on. By her own admission he was emotionally abusive. I got to know her better and we started hanging out, often alone, writing each other and being very connected and supportive. After she broke up she continued pining for him and is only now just moving on.

 

In the last few months we started seeing ALOT more of each other and I really fell for her big time. Her body language suggested she felt the same, lots of touching, teasing, flirting. I began to wonder if she was waiting for me to say something. We even went on a day trip together and I almost made a move but decided to wait till we got back.

 

So we went out again, we had an amazing time and she kept telling me how much she adores me, how I understand her, how much alike we are and how she can be herself with me. I took her to dinner and told her how I felt. She was stunned, took it very well, and told me she didn't see me that way.

 

I'm ok, but I feel like because she was with the BF for so long, I got forced into the friendzone by necessity and now I feel cheated. I'm also a bit shocked because her body language and eagerness to see me always suggested something more to me. She begged me not to change towards her, said she needs me and she'd be crushed.

 

But I feel like I should pull away anyway, protect myself, try and move on, and then whatever happens...that sort of thing.

 

She is wonderful, I have NEVER in my life connected with someone like this, it seems such a shame.

[WTRanger]

People should be totally honest with their feelings on this issue. I do not regret one bit telling her how I feel about her, but I do regret not being able to pull away completely. And she needs to stop with the bs excuses, or just give in to them if they feelings are there. The games currently being played are a huge turnoff for me, and has probably permanently poisoned the situation from my perspective.

Oh sweet Jesus Christ on a cracker! I 100% agree with you! It is poison to you and after you realize what is going on I also agree that the games are a huge turnoff. I think they play the games because they like the attention of the chase, and they assume that you'll always be there for them so they can take their sweet ass time while they are still in the spotlight. When you move on, to protect yourself, they end up shocked and somehow make you out to be this ogre. Well what did they honestly think? A person can only take so many mind benders before they just give up and move on.

 

MagicRat09, I'm sorry to hear that your situation didn't turn out well either. I don't understand how things work sometimes, it sounds like she gave off all of the right signals. What did she say when you told her? Was it convincing? The problem might be she is still on the rebound and she needs time to be single and free. That's why she friend zoned you, she wants to keep you in her file of possible boyfriends in the future. That is if she doesn't meet someone else before she is ready to date again.

 

I think you do need to move on with her, at least for the time being. You don't have to get rid of her completely, but you have to distance yourself from her for a while. It's the only way you are going to get over her in a romantic way. It's really hard when two people click like that. It seems destined for a good relationship but somewhere down the line it gets diverted into the friends zone. She needs you right now and she doesn't want you to change because I think she likes the attention without the commitment of a boyfriend and that's about it. I could be wrong. Keep her in your life, but for now, you'll have to start seeing her as she sees you. That is only as a good friend.

[MagicRat09]

Thanks WT...when I told her she started giggling like a schoolgirl and gasping "What? What?" She handled it kinda well, she insisted she had no idea (which I don't buy, to be honest)

 

She told me she's never been good at relationships, picks the wrong guys and they end up being absusive emotionally, and generally values friendships more; and she can envision never getting married at all.

 

Unfortunately, just when she said she had finally gotten over her BF, a guy from her past returned and she's been fooling around with him. But the whole time I'd known her prior she was either with her BF, or longing for him.