unhappybunny09 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hi anyone, this seems like a nice kind of place Ive read a few posts and problems and it seems there are some pple who can give some support and advice here so was wondering if anyone could help. After 4 years with a man I absolutley adore I have now broken up with him, it might sound crazy cos i care for him but we have been through a lot. We have both at times been hurtful, and have broken up and got back together a few times, we have talked about a future, marriage etc. But throughout it all he has had a real problem controlling his temper from time to time and i can get very emotional and sometimes the arguements (esp. when hes drunk) can be so bad i am shaking and have to leave even if in the middle of the night. We have had wonderful times together but in reality i dont feel there is a future unless he can change some fundamental parts of his character. I may be selfish but i dont really feel i have much to feel bad about as i have tried many times to understand and believe he will change. seeing him cry and tell me he is sorry he takes me for granted and im a part of him he cant bear to loose and he will make an effort breaks my f***ing heart. How can I make myself stay strong? Im sure Im doing the right thing but im scared i will go back and change my mind to stop feeling guilty and a few days/ weeks ill be regretting it when we start fighting again. God what a rant, im sorry! just feel so powerless and pathetic because i love him and feel terrible causing him pain any help would be wonderful thankyou x
Unguardiant Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 oh man, i feel this. i don't at all have an answer for you, as I am asking myself the same question. I haven't broken up with my boyfriend yet, and really don't want to, but feel I need to. All I can offer is support - that is awesome that you recognized what was right for you, even though it was, and is, hard. stay strong!
You'reasian Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Explain to him that you need to get some distance from this so you can take charge of your life. If you feel like this relationship is salvagable, tell him that he needs to get some counselling.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Hi anyone, this seems like a nice kind of place Ive read a few posts and problems and it seems there are some pple who can give some support and advice here so was wondering if anyone could help. After 4 years with a man I absolutley adore I have now broken up with him, it might sound crazy cos i care for him but we have been through a lot. We have both at times been hurtful, and have broken up and got back together a few times, we have talked about a future, marriage etc. But throughout it all he has had a real problem controlling his temper from time to time and i can get very emotional and sometimes the arguements (esp. when hes drunk) can be so bad i am shaking and have to leave even if in the middle of the night. We have had wonderful times together but in reality i dont feel there is a future unless he can change some fundamental parts of his character. I may be selfish but i dont really feel i have much to feel bad about as i have tried many times to understand and believe he will change. seeing him cry and tell me he is sorry he takes me for granted and im a part of him he cant bear to loose and he will make an effort breaks my f***ing heart. How can I make myself stay strong? Im sure Im doing the right thing but im scared i will go back and change my mind to stop feeling guilty and a few days/ weeks ill be regretting it when we start fighting again. God what a rant, im sorry! just feel so powerless and pathetic because i love him and feel terrible causing him pain any help would be wonderful thankyou x Wow, that is a tough challenge, but within your words I can identify someone who has really stood her ground, and whose logical assessment of her (person of interest) is not covered up by the feelings. I love the strength in the words you used to describe having broken up with him and doing the right thing (logically, that is). Not long ago I met a woman who in so many ways seems a great match for me, but whose 'drawbacks' are such that they are probably deal-breakers when all things are considered. It is amazing to be near to her mind, most of the time, but some of the effects of her past are too prominent in her personality in the present for her to seem a wise choice in logical terms. Another thing you need to do is to separate the being that is actually "HIM-him" from the emotional element that is 'your investment IN him'. He is the person with all of the mentioned flaws, and who may or may not ever get better with regard to those flaws. Your investment IN him, is contained entirely within your emotions, and it is affected by the feeling inside you that he is something along the lines of a 'stock', which you bought at a certain price, and whose value has now diminished down to perhaps 20% or less of what it first was. You are likely troubled by the idea that 'the only way you can ever get even on this investment is to cling to its small, and diminishing value, while doing nothing other than hoooooooooooping that the financial/emotional fortunes will reverse themselves'. Most will agree (and the logical person you clearly are is included) that the BEST thing you could do for yourself would be to take that 20% of your remaining (perfectly good and healthy) emotions and invest them confidently in a more reliable, upwardly-mobile stock/guy. I know it is tough, but you can reason your way through this.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Just think of the pain you have felt ad how upset he has made you instead of focusing on how he is feeling right now. Any pattern of fighting and crying to the point where you are shaking can't be anything good. It seems like you just need to clear your head to think about things. It's hard and it sux to love someone that has said cruel things to you...and you stilll love them after they have done these things. It's very hard to breakup with someone that you have strong feelings for, even though it's the right thing to do. I have struggled with the same thing and I took him back 2 times, but in the end I was kicking myself for doing it because he broke my heart again. But think of your future and if you can really live with him the way he is treating you for the rest of your life.
andy2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 hi, I think you should also compromise, you are lucky that nothing happened wrong. it seems that he loves you too. Otherwise both of you can not live together so long. give your love to him fullest. something good will happen.
9Lives Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Love dont mean a mutha f/cking thing if he dont treat you right. It is costly emotionally, physically, time, opportunity for better days...it is just alot going on that you have not seriously considered. I am not with my ex because the future needs to be better in order for us to be a couple. he does not want to give his best. His stock is at 20% cheating
Author unhappybunny09 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 wow thanks for your replies, I like the investment analogy! Im glad to hear from you other pple who have gone through/ going through a similar thing. Unguardiant I really hope it works out- i would try and offer advice but as you can probably tell im pretty indecisive myself! Thanks for all the support, I think I should carry on listening to my head on this one and common sense rather than my heart and letting myself do the same thing as before over and over! x
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