Not the love ace Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Okay here's the deal, I have a friend who I've known for many years now. When we were teens he was a big wussy, paranoid and always scared to do the simplest things. Usually because he's little-big-sister and his mother always scared him into thinking everything in the world is bad and pretty much made his decision of whom to hang out with and whatnot. Hence the reason why he was a nervous wreck. Back then, it didn't bother me as much and I actually enjoyed and embraced that aspect of him for it made for comical relief. However now that we're adults (He's 21 me 22) its really driving me up the wall to the point where I truly just feel like cutting him out of my life. Every time we hang out, he plays everything too safe and everything to him is about being safe, and planning every aspect of how we hang out. It gets to the point where when I introduce him to my other friends, they think he's a creep and weirdo. It also annoys me how when we have at least two days off to hang out, he wants to be super meticulous and make a schedule for what time he eats, drinks, gets home etc. Instead of just living life to the fullest and enjoying the time we have off of work and school, he makes it difficult. Everyone from his brother to even his own friends tell him this, but he is content with how he is and truly believes that the way he lives is correct and that the way everyone does things is wrong. Usually this will spark an argument with certain friends (I usually ignore it) and people get annoyed and don't want him around. I don't want to necessarily change who he is as a person, but I would like him to see the bigger picture and let him know how it is effecting our friendship with me and even some other people. I'm fine with him having plans and everything, but he needs to stop trying to impose his thoughts and ways onto other people. He truly is paranoid and I want to get him out of that. I know without him being so paranoid he'll be a much funner person to be around and it'll be much less annoying for me and our other friends. Without offending him or making him feel like he's being attacked or making him feel like he has to adhere to my ways, how can I talk to him about it? The only thing I can think of is being really honest which might result in an argument, and if so I'll have to pretty much not hangout with him anymore (but friends we can still be). Any advice?
Ronni_W Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I actually would first try to improve things from perspective of what is in MY power to do. Which is to say stuff like, "I'm not really into having such an organized weekend this time around, but you go ahead and have fun." And, "I'm planning to ________ with _______. Feel free to join me/us if you think you'll enjoy it." (He says something.) "No, I wasn't really asking for input...that's what I/we are doing. It's up to you to decide if it will be fun for you, and if so, then do join us." And, "I'm finding it a little limiting to stay so rigid and scheduled as we've been doing so, from now on, I'm going to try being more 'in the moment' and spontaneous. Do you want to try it with me?" (And when he tries to schedule YOUR time) "Nah...remember I told you I'm trying for something different?" (And if he isn't ready to become more spontaneous) "Sure, that's cool. I admire how you are so organized. Catch you later, then." And I'd be more discerning about which friends I introduce him to. And maybe even would have to realize that it is better (for me) if I start to limit my time with him. The way he is living IS correct...for him...for where he is right now. And actually, asking someone to change from a narrow view to a "bigger picture" IS still asking them to change. (Doesn't really matter if it is in their own best interest, will help them expand their experiences and horizons, etc., etc. They'll do that when they are ready, and without any outside "help".) What is "incorrect", if you will, is that you haven't established your OWN boundaries and acted assertively for your OWN needs, preferences and dislikes. Possibly you are starting to feel the frustration and resentment that accumulates when we ignore our own needs & wants for whatever reasons and fears that we have. If you do have to have the "our relationship ain't working for me" conversation, then doing it from perspective of what you feel, want and need (using "I" statements) instead of what you want HIM to modify about HIS attitude, viewpoint, fears and actions will minimize risk of an argument.
Author Not the love ace Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 What is "incorrect", if you will, is that you haven't established your OWN boundaries and acted assertively for your OWN needs, preferences and dislikes. Possibly you are starting to feel the frustration and resentment that accumulates when we ignore our own needs & wants for whatever reasons and fears that we have. Not necessarily. I know exactly what I want. However, I respect your opinion and your insight, and you were right in a lot of things, however I really don't want to change him as a person. I just want him to know how it annoys me and everyone else when we're hanging out and he always criticizes what we're doing and telling us that something is going to happen if we don't play it safe. Its really annoying having him believe his way is right and trying to impose it on other people that is more annoying. I do like hanging out with him, but I just don't think I can if he is going to be like that.
Recommended Posts