Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Most of you know my story....So lately I've got tired of hearing when all this is going to happen. So I had a bright idea the other day when we were chatting. I've chose not to see her or talk to her...but we are doing limited chat on IM. So I asked her the other day..."so tell me what are you hearing from God about us" She says "so he's telling me to be patient.... That you and I will be together" I say "so if God tells you not to move till next year it could be next year right?" She says "no he is not saying next year, it is this year" So this goes back to last year before the holidays where she told me she wasn't ready and she doesn't do anything unless she hears from God. So granted it sounds more positive now. However I can't help thinking is she always going to use God as a reason not to do things? It's so frustrating. I've told her about my old favorite indian proverb...."Call on God, but row away from the rocks." and another one I like this one too... "Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet." So I'm getting that she uses God as a crutch not to do things and I keep reminding her that God is giving you signs and you keep ignoring them and that you still have to do your part. Oh well time will tell....
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Why not just go NC and let her sort this out alone? You still being in her life is easier for her to do nothing and not change. And, you talking online is only giving you hope that may really not be there..
Lucky_One Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She thinks that God (I assume that she means the Christian God) is telling her it's ok to have an affair, and that He is going to tell her when it is cool to get a divorce and be with her lover? Am I the only person who thinks that is, uh, weird and distinctly WRONG from a Christian viewpoint? And hey - I was an OW, but I certainly wouldn't have ever presumed that God Himself was rooting for the affair!
JamesM Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She thinks that God (I assume that she means the Christian God) is telling her it's ok to have an affair, and that He is going to tell her when it is cool to get a divorce and be with her lover? Am I the only person who thinks that is, uh, weird and distinctly WRONG from a Christian viewpoint? And hey - I was an OW, but I certainly wouldn't have ever presumed that God Himself was rooting for the affair! No, you are not alone. And God has shown over and over in His Word that adultery is sin. I doubt He would agree to letting this one be in His favor.
jj33 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Maybe she and God were playing monopoly and he gave her a "break one commandment for free" card.... Everyone hears God in his or her own way, but as its one of the "Big 10" I find her reasoning to be very self serving. And another to add to your proverbs: Joe calls on God and says "Why have you forsaken me, I keep praying to win the lottery and yet I never seem to win". And God smiles and says "buy a ticket".
Lucky_One Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 OP, you posted in December "There is one thing for sure...I'm no Stampdaddy....I will not have a year like 2008 again in 2009. Screw that... He's moved out officially Saturday night and given her the key back to the house. Now I'm waiting on her to file the papers. She will tell her kids in the next couple of weeks I guess. I made it clear to her...don't come back until you can come into my life without lying and I meant it. What does it mean when you feel you're in the drivers seat? Maybe the fog is lifting or I'm just tired of all the drama?" So, what exactly are you waiting for to do? Her H is out, she was going to tell her kids, she has filed papers by now, right?
Meaplus3 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I highly doubt that the lord is cheering her on with regards to an affair. I mean it's a violation of the 10 commandments "Thou shall not commit adultery".If she is a true Christian like woman then she should know better. Does that make sense to you? Mea:)
wildsoul Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 More to the point: What does God want YOU to do?
jj33 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I always find it interesting when people say they are very religious "Good Christians" and then find some excuse for the affair. As if that makes up for it somehow. I can appreciate that being religilous and succumbing to adultery would be especially upsetting for someone who feels that it is wrong to violate God's commandments. But the idea that an affair is sanctioned by God is just ridiculous.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 OP, you posted in December "There is one thing for sure...I'm no Stampdaddy....I will not have a year like 2008 again in 2009. Screw that... He's moved out officially Saturday night and given her the key back to the house. Now I'm waiting on her to file the papers. She will tell her kids in the next couple of weeks I guess. I made it clear to her...don't come back until you can come into my life without lying and I meant it. What does it mean when you feel you're in the drivers seat? Maybe the fog is lifting or I'm just tired of all the drama?" So, what exactly are you waiting for to do? Her H is out, she was going to tell her kids, she has filed papers by now, right?and guess what yes I'm chatting with her...but I have not seen her or talked to her....but yes it is so much easier to just to chat than see her cause things escalate... so when it gets crazy...I say i have to go and log off. I really don't have that much drama anymore. If anything I'm guilty of is putting myself on hold. Other than that I'm good.....
Author Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 More to the point: What does God want YOU to do? Exactly why I've kept it to a IM chat level. I'm only being a friend to her right now which is only what she wants. Seeing her and talking to her does nothing but keep her from moving forward. Chatting seems to be a happy medium for me as most of my life is chat cause of my remote working. So I just imagine I'm talking to a friend and not her. So if you remember from Angel1111 words and many others. I know she's got to deal with her abusive marriage and getting out. I support her but only as a friend. At some point I will move on....or she will get tired of our arrangement and see that she needs to move forward with her life. Meaning filing the papers and telling her kids. Those were my conditions...period and I have not wavered.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I always find it interesting when people say they are very religious "Good Christians" and then find some excuse for the affair. As if that makes up for it somehow. I can appreciate that being religious and succumbing to adultery would be especially upsetting for someone who feels that it is wrong to violate God's commandments. But the idea that an affair is sanctioned by God is just ridiculous.Again what I'm trying to do is stay away so we can get away from the Affair mode...I don't talk to her or see her. I also don't discuss the future or the past. Just be there as a friend......
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 and guess what yes I'm chatting with her...but I have not seen her or talked to her....but yes it is so much easier to just to chat than see her cause things escalate... so when it gets crazy...I say i have to go and log off. I really don't have that much drama anymore. If anything I'm guilty of is putting myself on hold. Other than that I'm good..... Why not take it a step further and stop chatting online completely. BOTH of you are getting a "fix" by talking, and even though it's chatting online, it's STILL an affair. Again what I'm trying to do is stay away so we can get away from the Affair mode...I don't talk to her or see her. I also don't discuss the future or the past. Just be there as a friend...... You being in contact this way just reassures her to do NOTHING. Cut yourself out of her life completely and let her find other measures of support (friends and family) not YOU. You in touch with her just keeps you as the OM (online) and IN affair mode. You cant' see that, but it is just that.
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She is crazier than Micheal Jackson if she believes God is telling her to have an affair and be patient so she can move on with it. That's crap and you have some major issues to if you believe it. NO where in the word of God does he give permission for an affair. Not abuse, nothing. He even speaks of everyone being with their own spouses in Corinthians and talks about the adulterers not to kindly. Come on, don't use God as the excuse to do what's not right.
GorillaTheater Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She is crazier than Micheal Jackson if she believes God is telling her to have an affair and be patient so she can move on with it. That's crap and you have some major issues to if you believe it. NO where in the word of God does he give permission for an affair. Not abuse, nothing. He even speaks of everyone being with their own spouses in Corinthians and talks about the adulterers not to kindly. Come on, don't use God as the excuse to do what's not right. Agreed, but I've seen this sort of thing before. That "affair fog" can apparently extend even to spiritual beliefs. "God WANTS me to be with this person", and at the time at least, they believed it. Truly amazing.
Lucky_One Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Again what I'm trying to do is stay away so we can get away from the Affair mode...I don't talk to her or see her. I also don't discuss the future or the past. Just be there as a friend...... Really? Then why the question about where you two are going, referencing both the past (what God tells her to do) and the future? A true friend would just be supportive of whatever she is doing in terms of her own timeline for her divorce, not question them about it from a personal "what's in it for me?" angle.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Really? Then why the question about where you two are going, referencing both the past (what God tells her to do) and the future? A true friend would just be supportive of whatever she is doing in terms of her own timeline for her divorce, not question them about it from a personal "what's in it for me?" angle. Point taken...and yes that is true. It's something I'm still adjusting to...however like you've all said...NC period would end all of this.
Lucky_One Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 So after these three months of separation, what IS happening between her and her BS? Most abusive men don't simply say "Ok" and leave without a struggle. They are in control, and they will do whatever it takes to get back into that controlling position (the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle). Does he leave her alone? Do they meet? Where do the kids go while they have visitation with Dad? Does Dad have his own place, or still bunking temp at his parent's? Has she split their bank accounts?
Owl Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I agree with WWIU. Given my experience, she's on the money with this. You'd answered the question about "What would God want YOU to do?" with the comment that this is why you're just IM'ing. It's STILL an affair, even if it's "just online chatting" right now. It's still an emotional affair. And it's no less wrong than if you were talking to her on the phone or other medium. NC and ending the affair is the only way to do the real right thing here that God would want you to do.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 So after these three months of separation, what IS happening between her and her BS? Most abusive men don't simply say "Ok" and leave without a struggle. They are in control, and they will do whatever it takes to get back into that controlling position (the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle). Does he leave her alone? Do they meet? Where do the kids go while they have visitation with Dad? Does Dad have his own place, or still bunking temp at his parent's? Has she split their bank accounts? After 3 months of separation...he has left her alone. Technically it was 6 months but she was serious about keeping him out of the house this time in the last 3 months. She's made it clear she's done with him even though he is giving her space. He is still bunking at Dad's house. They have not split money yet. As I had said...she is in the process of refinancing the house and doing a quit claim...long story why is she's doing has been posted already. Once this is done she's filing the papers... P.S. and let me say they do not meet and he does stop by to visit the 23 and 19 year old kids but not often since he moved out...however MW goes and finds something else to do like goes shopping...
NoIDidn't Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 She thinks that God (I assume that she means the Christian God) is telling her it's ok to have an affair, and that He is going to tell her when it is cool to get a divorce and be with her lover? Am I the only person who thinks that is, uh, weird and distinctly WRONG from a Christian viewpoint? And hey - I was an OW, but I certainly wouldn't have ever presumed that God Himself was rooting for the affair! Yep, my thoughts exactly. God even reprimanded David for an affair where he killed the woman's H. But He did give David Abigail to marry after her mean H died of a stroke.....Hmmmm. Maybe there is something to this.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Once this is done she's filing the papers... On who's time frame? Are you pressuring her or asking questions on WHEN this is all going to happen? You have vested interest here, and she NEEDS to do this on HER time frame. IF her allegations of his abuse both mental and physical abuse IS 100% true, you better lower ANY expectations you have of her and any type of healthy relationship. She is incapable of having that anytime soon even IF they divorce. I just hope that you give her time and space to heal and do counselling so she can get stronger.. Her frame of mind is fragile so maybe her leaning on you still isn't such a good idea, even more so for you because each of you are still getting something MORE out of what you're downplaying.
Lucky_One Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 After 3 months of separation...he has left her alone. Technically it was 6 months but she was serious about keeping him out of the house this time in the last 3 months. She's made it clear she's done with him even though he is giving her space. He is still bunking at Dad's house. They have not split money yet. As I had said...she is in the process of refinancing the house and doing a quit claim...long story why is she's doing has been posted already. Once this is done she's filing the papers... P.S. and let me say they do not meet and he does stop by to visit the 23 and 19 year old kids but not often since he moved out...however MW goes and finds something else to do like goes shopping... So why are you so steamed with her? She is actually doing a LOT, if she is refi the house; it takes many people a lot longer than 3 months to get that sort of task completed, especially in this mortgage economy. But then again, why the insistence on seeing her cell phone bills? Do you have some sort of worries or trust issues that she is lying to you about the contact she has with her H?
Die Hard Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 So I asked her the other day..."so tell me what are you hearing from God about us" She says "so he's telling me to be patient.... That you and I will be together" I say "so if God tells you not to move till next year it could be next year right?" She says "no he is not saying next year, it is this year" The MW I was seeing and I would talk religion. Well I'd bring it up and she's avoid the topic but she did finally tell me that god was telling her what we were doing was wrong. I'd been telling her that for over a month but she wouldn't discuss it with me. Your MW appears to be even worse than mine(and that's saying something). She actually has the balls to include god's approval in her cake-eating, leaving you on the hook crap. You should get away from this person as soon as you can my man. She is no good. Anyone who would say such a thing as she is has serious issues. I had an affair. I'm no angel, but I never deluded myself into thinking god was on my side in it. In fact I don't think she's deluding herself, I think she's trying to delude you, which is even worse. This would be my advice to you even if she was going to be with you today. You will live to regret it.
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