abnewlysingle Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 First time posting here and it's because I want to put to be able to express myself freely and also get this out of my head. Some of this I have sort of figured out after recognizing the problem myself and also reading some of the postings on this and other sights. I'll try to be short and sweet but also include all the good detail. I'm a 25 year old straight male. My first and only serious relationship which began when I was a freshman in college. It was wonderful and I thought it was love but it came to an abrupt end this past summer. This was also the only woman I'd had sex with. I rebounded a bit. I hooked up with 3 women. One I had sex with. One only involved oral sex. Another we just fooled around a bit. In comes my current partner. The night that we kissed for the first time we ended up naked and it was pretty hot but there was no sex, oral or otherwise. Fast forward four months and we're still seeing one another. I include all these details to illustrate the point that I am no prude nor innocent (This will be relevant later on). We did make a mistake early on, however. We started playing the numbers game and asking each other how many partners we've each had. This, I think, was particularly hard to avoid. She has a lot of exes and some of them even continue to play a role in her life. Even those that she didn't formally date but has had sex with still come up in conversation because they live in the same neighborhood, have mutual friends etc. The point is, her sexual past is very much present. Sometimes she'll volunteer. And sometimes I pry, which is a mistake. On a couple of occasions she's told me about one particular partner that she seems to have had a major thing for (I even have called it a fetish) and when I've called her on her wanting to tell me all the details, she has recognized that it can be hurtful. But throughout the relationship, and even without her volunteering, there has been this retroactive jealousy about how much more experience she has had than me, about what she's done with what guys etc. I don't know where it comes from or why it's important to me but it drives me absolutely bonkers. Anyway - to cut to the chase. In many ways our relationship has been magic. There have been issues regarding my ex, some crises and rollercoaster rides. But generally we get along really well. And this is an important point - the sex has been out of this world. She has even gone so far to say that she's never had such great sex in her life!! I should be psyched about this, right? Well, I am. But I still pry into her past and get retroactive jealousy when I find things out that I don't like. Last week she mentions the name of a guy that I've never even heard before (I thought I had a handle on all of the partners), and it kinda freaked me out how she jumped from "we went on a few dates" to "we made out" to "we were naked together" very, very quickly. Of course I then pry into what "get naked together" means and it turns out that she had had oral sex with this particular guy. Then I go asking about another guy that she had told me about that she had "gotten naked with" who I happen to have met. I was under the assumption that they had just fooled around a bit. When it turns out (I only found out because I pry) that they had performed oral sex on one another during just one encounter, it really really got to me. The retroactive jealousy just sets in and paralyzes. It's really creating a wedge between us and it so obviously needs to stop if we're going to continue together (and perhaps if I am to have a sex life at all). It's definitely a learning process for me. I think there are obvious issues of comparison, insecurity etc. that come into play here. I've read about it in some of the other posts and many of these things do ring true. There are also a number of other factors though. 1. She's friends with a lot of these people. I might have to see some of them and I'm sure my imagination will run even wilder than it already does. The idea of shaking someone's hand who's thinking something like "Your girlfriend used to suck on my cock" just drives me absolutely insane. I know that if I meet one of these people I will just see them having sex. Totally irrational. I know. 2. Perhaps I'm jealous of these experiences. I mentioned that the time that we first hooked up we got naked and had some fun but there was no oral sex. I didn't even want that. But why these sort of wild one night stands with other people but not me? Again, totally irrational. We're having sex sometimes 4 times a day when we do hang out. Why should it matter? 3. As I said before, I've only had one previous partner. She (my current girlfriend) is by far more sexually adventurous and in so many ways. It isn't soooo kinky. But she talks dirty a lot. She uses really crude language. She was very flirty and up front about how horny she was very early on in the relationship. When it is with me it turns me on. Then I hear about each of these individuals and I wonder if it was the same with them? I want to feel special - like these things are only for me. And obviously they're not but it still drives me crazy thinking about it! Anyway - that's my piece. I've apologized to her profusely but I'm not confident that I'll be successful in routing this from my brain. I could use some good advice and digging into. Hoping folks respond.
AAlike Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Anyway - that's my piece. I've apologized to her profusely but I'm not confident that I'll be successful in routing this from my brain. I could use some good advice and digging into. Hoping folks respond. A couple of points: 1. You're never going to "route it from your brain" or just wake up one day and decide that you are "over it". only when you stop trying to deem it irrational will you possibly get past it - this is an emotional condition, and hence it will go away in the same fashion as other emotional conditions, like grief...gradually. by trying to "get over it" you only slow the process of fixing it. I know how frustrating it can be, but eventually, if this is the right girl, it will go away and those previous experiences will be as insignificant as you want them to be. 2. In the early stages of love (first year or so), both women and men tend to idealize their partners - and often men want to look at their SO in this antiquated "angelic" notion...and the fact that she might have a healthy sexual appetite prior to meeting you is in direct constrast with this notion, so we freak out, even though we enjoy and reap the benefits of that exact same voraciousness. It has to be a paradox for women, who I don't think realize that even the most down to earth guys can all of a sudden be blinded by love enough to see their girlfriend as this 'sugar and spice and everything nice' being that doesn't sh*t or fart, and GOD FORBID has ever performed fellatio! The whole "she kisses my kids with that mouth" syndrome. This will also go away over time. 3. Sex itself will desensationalize for you after you get out of infatuation stage and it becomes more a habit than some major event. That's not to say that it will get worse - you'll just become more realistic about it. that will also help make the past stuff insignificant. 4. When all else fails, just do your best to steer conversations away from that path and do NOT ask for details. Think about your own sexual past experiences, both in the long relationship and those "hookups" in between and how little they matter to you.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 A couple of points: 1. You're never going to "route it from your brain" or just wake up one day and decide that you are "over it". only when you stop trying to deem it irrational will you possibly get past it - this is an emotional condition, and hence it will go away in the same fashion as other emotional conditions, like grief...gradually. by trying to "get over it" you only slow the process of fixing it. I know how frustrating it can be, but eventually, if this is the right girl, it will go away and those previous experiences will be as insignificant as you want them to be. 2. In the early stages of love (first year or so), both women and men tend to idealize their partners - and often men want to look at their SO in this antiquated "angelic" notion...and the fact that she might have a healthy sexual appetite prior to meeting you is in direct constrast with this notion, so we freak out, even though we enjoy and reap the benefits of that exact same voraciousness. It has to be a paradox for women, who I don't think realize that even the most down to earth guys can all of a sudden be blinded by love enough to see their girlfriend as this 'sugar and spice and everything nice' being that doesn't sh*t or fart, and GOD FORBID has ever performed fellatio! The whole "she kisses my kids with that mouth" syndrome. This will also go away over time. 3. Sex itself will desensationalize for you after you get out of infatuation stage and it becomes more a habit than some major event. That's not to say that it will get worse - you'll just become more realistic about it. that will also help make the past stuff insignificant. 4. When all else fails, just do your best to steer conversations away from that path and do NOT ask for details. Think about your own sexual past experiences, both in the long relationship and those "hookups" in between and how little they matter to you. Very sound advice. AA has helped me a great deal with my Retroactive Jealousy with my current GF. So to speak, I don't even give a **** about her past anymore. I stopped around the 6 month mark. We're now at 10 months, going on 11 and we're doing okay in that area. I still have a bit of a problem with her conversating with guys who want to sleep with her but oh well that's in neither of us' control so I'll get over that pretty soon to. Pretty much, listen to AA. He knows wtf he's talking about.
You'reasian Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Anyway - that's my piece. I've apologized to her profusely but I'm not confident that I'll be successful in routing this from my brain. I could use some good advice and digging into. Hoping folks respond. If her ex-es are trying to get back with her again, your retroactive jealousy is a legitimate concern, unless you're into open relationships or its some kind of FWB arrangement. There's nothing wrong with a gf being friends with her ex. It happens.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Stop trying to make comparisons between her past and your current relationship. Every relationship is different and by building it both emotionally and physically rather than the latter alone can be itself meaningful. Your primary focus on her sexual past is irrational and unhealthy. You need to see past the physical.
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