Kaii Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 BUT. And there's always a "but" isn't there? I need your advice, here is my problem..... I have a bf. He is 35, I am 34. We live together and have been going out for the past year. He has asked me to marry him and I emphatically said "YES". We are planning on trying to have a child. He is the most fun bf I have ever had. I feel very close to him. The sex is intense and fiery. We are more than compatible sexually and both have the same sense of humour. We understand each other's references and jokes. We like a lot of the same things and are generally compatible. Now, the fun part.....or not, depending on your point of view Problem #1 We are both in the process of getting divorced...from other people. We both have children with our former partners and this is where the problems start. I have 50/50 custody of my children, he has his every weekend. So, on the weekends there are 5 kids running around our house. It doesn't phase me in the least, but he is on the verge of blowing a gasket the entire time. I am very "Mother Earth" like and do a lot of cooking projects, etc with the kids. They all hug and kiss me and also tell me they "love me", including his children. He is just not much fun as far as the kids are concerned. He is very hot tempered and doesn't put up with anything. I feel ALL the kids are somewhat afraid of him. We argue about this every weekend and it always ends with him telling me that I am right and that he needs to change.....but then the next weekend arrives and we are back at the beginning again. He says he wants to change but doesn't know how or what to do. I think he is immature. Problem #2 I feel that there is one set of rules for me and one set for his ex wife. He acts completely different with her than he does with me. With her...SHE is the boss. SHE runs the show and he does whatever she wants (ie. he is NEVER late with child support, takes the kids whenever SHE wants him too. She has taken him to the cleaners and he has done virtually nothing to protect himself financially. Yet with me, HE is the boss. HE calls the shots and financially, I am left holding the bag for a lot of things, although he does end up paying up when it gets to the point that I completely explode. He is ALWAYS late with his portion of the mortgage, even though it comes out on the same day every month. I usually remind him a few days before and then start nagging him every second day or so after I have paid the mortgage in it's entirety. This month, he was 8 days late. Money is not really the issue, as I can afford the mortgage myself...but it burns my ass that he pays HER on time but never ME. Problem #3 I feel that he doesn't give me as much attention as I give him. He claims that he loves me, but where are the actions to back it up? I am constantly puffing up his ego with "You're so smart, funny, sexy, attractive" etc, while I get nothing in return. I just don't know anymore. I feel that I am a failure. I couldn't make my 12 yr marriage work and now here I am again. I have introduced this man to my children and involved his children too. I feel like all these kids have been through enough and I don't want to throw in the towel as I do love him. Does anyone have any advice for me? Why does the sex have to be SO damn good?
boldjack Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well, good sex is a start, isn't it? All of the problems that you have pointed out are fixable. 1) It seems that on the weekends when all of your kids are there, he is feeling a little overwhelmed. If he isn't physically or mentally abusive, then as time goes on he will relax more, the kids and uproar will become normal and he will get used to it. If he is abusive then maybe he needs anger management help. 2) Your second issue seems to me to be fairly minor. You say that with his ex, she is in charge and domineering. With you he feels more in charge and masculine. If I were you I wouldn't try to copy her behavior. Remember he is with you, because he prefers your behavior to hers. He is out from under her control, with you he feels freer. That's a good thing. ASK him to make a plan to pay the bills, but don't nag. Nagging has caused more breakups than infidelity. 3) Your third issue is really two . First the differential between your expressions of affection and his. Many men (me included) have difficulty expressing affection. Communicate your feeling to him and be sure that he knows how important this to you and you will probably see an improvement. It seems also that you have self-esteem problems. Maybe a good idea would be to kill two birds with one stone. Talk to him and explain that you sometimes don't feel good about yourself and would he try to help you with your self-image by being more affectionate. He obviously loves you. He will be concerned and I would bet that you will get more loving and support. Remember that communication is the key to all god relationships. Good Luck
shockandawed Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You say that neither of your divorces are final, yet you two are living together and functioning as a blended family already with 5 children. I know every state has different laws regarding divorce timeframes, but, there is no way either of you, nor any of your children, are ready to be in this type of situation. My guess is your bf is everything your ex-hubby wasn't. After my divorce, I was in a similar position. I met a girl who was fresh into hers as well, we had amazing passion and gave each other what we were missing in our long term marriages. I really felt alive again. We moved along fast and she started talking about marriage and living together fairly quickly. Luckily, I had a nagging feeling to hold that off for a bit. Long story short, as I got to know her over a couple of years, I realized we only had great passion between us. She eventually dumped me when she found another and married that guy within 4 months. You may think you are emotionally ready, but there is no way you can be yet..and there is absolutely no way your children can be. If you want things to work long term with this guy, you need to live seperately for a bit, and get yourselves acclaimated to being single. It will only add value to both of you.
Author Kaii Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Thank you, I appreciate your advice. #1, I think you are right about the kids thing and no, he is not emotionally or physically abusive, he is just "on edge" and ready to blow all the time. Sometimes he yells when one of the kids gets out of line, but that is about it. #2, As for the part about me not being like his wife and how that is a good thing, I never really looked at it in that way...thank for showing me a different perspective. And as for #3, I think you are spot on about the whole emotions thing. Men and women are so different sometimes and understanding one another can be difficult. He told me that he doesn't need me to express my feelings towards him all the time because he knows how I feel and that is good enough for him. But you are right, I am insecure and I need more verbal encouragement than he does. He, or maybe men in general confuse me. We talk about our issues whenever they pop up, but he frequently tells me that it is hard for him to explain how he feels because he is not very "in touch with his feelings". He tells me that he knows he feels a certain way but doesn't know why or how he got there, just that he feels the feelings but that is the extent of it. That seems so foreign to me. I know exactly how I feel and how I got there and I can tell you every single step and thing that contributed to my feeling this way. I feel like I am never going to get this right.
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