wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Me & my boyfriend have been with each other for over a year and we had our first fight. Over text. I know it sounds stupid, but we never get to talking on the phone, someone is always doing something so a lot of our communicating when were not together is well, text. I brought up that I was wondering about our chemistry, and what he thought about it, we texted, and I thought it would be better that way since it is not so serious. Well he didn't want to talk about, and I kept asking when is a good time to since we were getting angry, said he didn't feel like doing this now, never texted me after, and it's been 24 hrs. I'm trying not to look at his track record of past gf's and comparing. What is he thinking?
johan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 He's thinking you're trying to trap him into a no-win conversation. My honest opinion is that if you have gone a full year without fighting, then you don't communicate well.
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Well I hope he isn't because how are we supposed to communicate if he won't even respond to me. It really is a small thing, and I just said talk about it. And it's been a year that I haven't brought anything up either, it's been bothering me for a couple weeks. He's a good guy, and I don't want him to think I'm trapping him, I just want to be able to talk about it!!
johan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well I hope he isn't because how are we supposed to communicate if he won't even respond to me. It really is a small thing, and I just said talk about it. And it's been a year that I haven't brought anything up either, it's been bothering me for a couple weeks. He's a good guy, and I don't want him to think I'm trapping him, I just want to be able to talk about it!! If it's a little thing, then let it go. Or else don't call it a little thing. Every guy knows there is no point in discussing the chemistry in your relationship. Either it's there or it isn't. What you're telling him is that it isn't there. There are no words he can say that are going to make you feel better about that. And I agree that you're supposed to communicate, but I'll say it again: I don't think you've been communicating that well if you are only just now having your first fight.
likestolaugh Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I'm not sure how fighting is an indication of good communication. It can also be a breakdown of communication.
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 If it's a little thing, then let it go. Or else don't call it a little thing. Every guy knows there is no point in discussing the chemistry in your relationship. Either it's there or it isn't. What you're telling him is that it isn't there. There are no words he can say that are going to make you feel better about that. And I agree that you're supposed to communicate, but I'll say it again: I don't think you've been communicating that well if you are only just now having your first fight. Well I can choose to call it a little thing and let it go. That still leaves the fact that we've talked about the chemistry not being there. He did respond to that one with "it leaves room for improvement". What does that mean - it just sounds like were heading down the breakup path instead of talking about our relationship ...
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I'm not sure how fighting is an indication of good communication. It can also be a breakdown of communication. well i don't mind having an open discussion, but I actually try to avoid the fighting.
johan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 He doesn't want to discuss it, because he thinks it's going to be painful and counter-productive. There are two ways to deal with problems: point out problems or point out solutions. If all you do is identify problems, then you put the responsibility of the other guy to solve them. That's not a partnership. If you point out solutions, then the other guy has to either agree to your proposal or propose something better. As far as fighting goes, I'm talking about free, open, respectful expression of whatever is on your mind, at the time it occurs to you. Good things and bad things. That's healthy. Going an entire year only expressing positive emotions is not healthy.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well I can choose to call it a little thing and let it go. That still leaves the fact that we've talked about the chemistry not being there. He did respond to that one with "it leaves room for improvement". What does that mean - it just sounds like were heading down the breakup path instead of talking about our relationship ... Well what exactly did you mean by your comment? It sounds like you were looking to discuss something that could lead to a break up. What does a "wondering about chemistry" mean anyway? You should never EVER discuss something as serious as that on text, it is the kind of conversation you want to have face to face and in a moment of trust. So that you can talk about what you are feeling openly and with no misconceptions to be had. Do you realize how confusing that comment on text might be to him? I am still not sure what you meant by that, does your boyfriend know what you meant? If you want open communication you should not hide behind a text message, that is not open communication.
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 He doesn't want to discuss it, because he thinks it's going to be painful and counter-productive. There are two ways to deal with problems: point out problems or point out solutions. If all you do is identify problems, then you put the responsibility of the other guy to solve them. That's not a partnership. If you point out solutions, then the other guy has to either agree to your proposal or propose something better. As far as fighting goes, I'm talking about free, open, respectful expression of whatever is on your mind, at the time it occurs to you. Good things and bad things. That's healthy. Going an entire year only expressing positive emotions is not healthy. Well I have brought up some bad feelings, but I just a "you really worry too much and you need to stop"
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Well what exactly did you mean by your comment? It sounds like you were looking to discuss something that could lead to a break up. What does a "wondering about chemistry" mean anyway? You should never EVER discuss something as serious as that on text, it is the kind of conversation you want to have face to face and in a moment of trust. So that you can talk about what you are feeling openly and with no misconceptions to be had. Do you realize how confusing that comment on text might be to him? I am still not sure what you meant by that, does your boyfriend know what you meant? If you want open communication you should not hide behind a text message, that is not open communication. Well I meant was I can choose to let it go. I exactly texted "Do you think we have good chem?" and I was trying to avoid sounding like we are going to down the break up path. I do want to talk to him in person, but I feel like I am just stressing him out now.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well I meant was I can choose to let it go. I exactly texted "Do you think we have good chem?" and I was trying to avoid sounding like we are going to down the break up path. I do want to talk to him in person, but I feel like I am just stressing him out now. Forget about what he wants, think about what you need. It sounds like you've been walking on eggshells, too worried about fear of loss, rather than getting to the bottom of your concerns. I do agree that text isn't the best way to ask an important question. It's too easy to avoid an honest answer. Next time, just ask him in person and don't worry too much about his discomfort level. If anything, his discomfort level or avoidance of the topic can be part of your answer. Never be afraid to lose someone who can't express emotions or communicate clearly. Bottom line, your personal needs aren't being met.
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Forget about what he wants, think about what you need. It sounds like you've been walking on eggshells, too worried about fear of loss, rather than getting to the bottom of your concerns. I do agree that text isn't the best way to ask an important question. It's too easy to avoid an honest answer. Next time, just ask him in person and don't worry too much about his discomfort level. If anything, his discomfort level or avoidance of the topic can be part of your answer. Never be afraid to lose someone who can't express emotions or communicate clearly. Bottom line, your personal needs aren't being met. thanks TBF, this is exactly what my best friends says, I do feel like walking on eggshells, and am probably just going to figure out how to get the guts to bring it up in person.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 He's thinking you're trying to trap him into a no-win conversation. My honest opinion is that if you have gone a full year without fighting, then you don't communicate well. That's kind of what I was thinking. BF and I have only been together 2 1/2 months, met 5 months ago and we've already had a supposed "fight." I find it odd to have absolutely no fights - like there's a lack of passion in the relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 thanks TBF, this is exactly what my best friends says, I do feel like walking on eggshells, and am probably just going to figure out how to get the guts to bring it up in person. You can do it wierdmunky!!
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 That's kind of what I was thinking. BF and I have only been together 2 1/2 months, met 5 months ago and we've already had a supposed "fight." I find it odd to have absolutely no fights - like there's a lack of passion in the relationship. Yes that and we only get to see eachother once a week if that. We both came out of long term relationships that had lots of fighting, wonder if that contributes.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well I meant was I can choose to let it go. I exactly texted "Do you think we have good chem?" and I was trying to avoid sounding like we are going to down the break up path. I do want to talk to him in person, but I feel like I am just stressing him out now. But you are blaming him for the exact same thing you are doing, you are pussy footing around him and expect to have open communication!?!?
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I have brought issues up with us before, and I get the sense that he doesn't want to talk about it. This is first time I actually took a step further and started to talk about it anyway, and I don't hear back from him.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I have brought issues up with us before, and I get the sense that he doesn't want to talk about it. This is first time I actually took a step further and started to talk about it anyway, and I don't hear back from him. Like I said it's because you did on text format, it's non-committal and easy for him to dismiss because it means nothing, even though you have planted a seed. I say you talk to him face to face next time you see him. Don't let it go, this will only build as animosity and it will manifest itself in other ways in the relationship. He will be thinking one thing you will be thinking another and this is how you start to chip away at your trust for each other. Get it out in the open, face to face and let the chips fall where they may.
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 You can do it wierdmunky!! I will be holding my breath! I think I see him tomorrow
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Like I said it's because you did on text format, it's non-committal and easy for him to dismiss because it means nothing, even though you have planted a seed. I say you talk to him face to face next time you see him. Don't let it go, this will only build as animosity and it will manifest itself in other ways in the relationship. He will be thinking one thing you will be thinking another and this is how you start to chip away at your trust for each other. Get it out in the open, face to face and let the chips fall where they may. I guess I'm being testy for my own safety. Plant the seed, and see what happens kinda thing. I am going to talk to him. How does that mean nothing!
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 How does that mean nothing! You mean what did I mean by "it means nothing?" Wait I'm confused now....
Author wierdmunky Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 You mean what did I mean by "it means nothing?" Wait I'm confused now.... Oh I meant, how does that text just mean nothing, but have that result?
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I will be holding my breath! I think I see him tomorrow Chin up, you can do it! How you resolve will tell you how viable the relationship is. I recall one guy who I had a thing with. Nothing ever got resolved, EVER! It was an exercise in pure futility. With my fiancé, although we've fought, he great at de-escalating and negotiating. His way is to create a win-win, something that's good for the relationship, not just him. He also doesn't roll over all the time. Sometimes I do, sometimes he does. We're both vocal people so it works incredibly well! Nary a resentment.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Oh I meant, how does that text just mean nothing, but have that result? Have what result? I am really confused now....
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