Girlygirl1977 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I've had a bit of an eventful last 6 months with dating. I first dated a 40-yr old guy who had a track record of commitment issues and demonstrated that with me. That ended in the beginning of January after 3 months of intense dating. He still seems to linger a bit and I have been a little courteous because his father died in February. Since the break up I have seen him 2x - Once he came to same place I was on vacation last minute (on his part) in mid-January but had nothing new to offer. I saw him once in February as well. He wanted to meet a couple of weeks ago but had to go home again. I kind of put him out of mind since then till I heard from him on Friday and he wanted to meet up Sunday. I was too busy today in the end (packing with current bf) and he has asked if I can meet tomorrow evening now. . .I can rationally say (knowing all i know about this guy), he would be a bad bet and so it's best when he is out of mind. I began dating my current bf at the end of January, however I have known him for 8.5 years. We originally dated for 2.5yrs when I was 23 and I'm now 31. We originally worked together and then it went long distance (LA/NY). It was overall enjoyable but towards the end I felt we weren't necessarily getting particularly serious and I we weren't going to end up in the same city anytime soon. We tended to meet up usually through his initiation every few months and both were recently in NY for last 2.5 years. We have always kept in touch but after this recent 40-yr old fiasco when we met at the end of January - he mentioned maybe if he left NY, we might be married etc. But since then we have seen each other but it has been infrequent bc he has been in the midst of quitting his job (but they offered options and it dragged) and now is setting up his own company. He also decided to move to Philly (1.5 to 2 hrs car/train ride away from NY) b/c it will be cheaper for him (and he grew up there etc.). He also has been traveling b/c he quit his job. We really have only been able to have a decent amount of time together in last two weeks - and very sporadic otherwise b/c of his travel. It actually turns out he was seeing someone when we initially had the first dinner but was in process of breaking up with her during his travel etc. And I told him the timing of my breakup - so everything is on the table. Ideally, I would have had some more time after that breakup before starting this up but given he told me he was likely to move, I felt I should address it. When I look back at my life of the people I've dated we had the best/easiest time together and he treated me the best and made me feel great. We get along really well - everything is easy - we spent most of wknd together, including packing most of today. He makes me happy. I'm attracted to him, he's smart, ambitious, successful, alpha male etc. . .those are the things that attracted me when we first dated. But I don't feel the passion which I feel I may have had the first time. It's still fairly new but we did date before. Thoughts?
doushenka Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 There's passion and then there's passion. You can't expect to feel like you're in a new relationship all the time, especially if you used to date him. At the same, if there's no spark between you anymore, it's pointless to try again. Just date him a few times. If you're not feeling any spark, that's the end of that, isn't it?
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I, too, am confused at your use of the word passion. You say you're attracted to him. But when you say there's no passion like the first time, are you talking about that new-feel/butterflies/excitement/giddiness? That's something that fades with time in EVERY relationship. I'd say especially since you two have dated before and you have known each other so long on top of it. So you can't expect to be feeling THAT again. There will always come a point in a relationship when the newness fades and makes way for a deeper, more mature, more connected love. It's not a bad thing - it's just a different feel to it. I guess it scares some people because the initial attraction can be so strong. But if you mean there isn't really any spark at all and you feel maybe like you're dating a relative...then that could definitely be an issue. But it's something for you to examine - weigh the pros and cons and see what weighs heavier for you.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I'm not sure I have the right word. But yes usually when I start to date someone i do have that giddiness/butterflies etc. that helps me know. With all the volatility in his life, that has made it hard to meet a lot so that may be part of it. I probably should have taken a bit more time from last situation too though no regrets that ended. But I won't deny it's good to put a little distance between relationships. There is familiarity but enough of a spark. I have to admit I'm not sure how my mind works exactly either b/c even with last relationship, I wasn't sure I was attracted to that guy early but we ended up having a lot of sexual chemistry (though maybe mostly only that). With my bf now, I am attracted to him but I don't have the giddiness which I tend to feel when I start dating someone or probably when we first dated. And there is no way I am lowering my standards with him either.
CommitmentPhobe Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 It's not going to be the same as starting out dating someone that you're just discovering. Are you getting passion confused with discovery?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 It's not going to be the same as starting out dating someone that you're just discovering. Are you getting passion confused with discovery? That may be it - less onion peeling involved here. It's like it's new now but it isn't because we already know each other. We have had very limited interaction though since we broke up 6.5 years ago - still the personality, life story etc. - I know most of it. I can see now that must be a key when things start for me - the excitement.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 I'm enjoying it more - it's nice to already have so much common ground. I visited him last weekend and he is coming here tomorrow for the weekend. I am headed to Paris/London for work in a couple of weeks and he will join me. He has friends in London that he wants to see too - so I'll be working during the week but we will go to Paris for Sat/Sun. So I am feeling better about it after spending more time. We are staying in a really great hotel in Paris and the city itself should definitely add to things. So far so good.
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