HurtInColorado Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Her Scars and Mine.. It's a day where all I see are happy families around, and tears come to my eyes again. See that scar? That's the scar where you had the C-section. I went upstairs with our son while they measured him, weighted him, took his blood and you slept in the recovery room. That's when you were bedridden for the last trimester and I took care of you hand and foot. See that other scar? The one where they cut you in half? Thats when you had cancer. Thats when I never left your bedside while they removed part of your kidney. That's when you were scared to death and cried to me every night, and I reassured you. Told you it was going to be okay, and that I would never leave you. Here's the scar you can't see. The scar where you went in and removed our family from your life. It's the scar you can't see, but it's one I and our son feel every single day of our lives. Would you like to run your fingers across it? Feel where the wound is still fresh? Would you like to place your finger in the hole, just to make sure I'm not lying about what I'm feeling? I know we were both unhappy, but that doesn't mean you end the marriage. That's when you fight, and go to counseling, and work through the issue. Being 'in love' is a chemical reaction that lasts a few months. A family, and the dedication to making it work, should last a lifetime. You have your scars, and I have mine.
skinman Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 HurtInColorado, I am sorry your going through this and you find yourself here...What you have written has touched my heart... I wish you the best during this difficult time... I know for the most part how you feel friend... My prayers are with you and your son.
LakesideDream Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Poetic. The need to do this kind of introspection will pass, I promise it will. Truthfully what you are doing now is causing you more pain. I did it myself. It's your mind protecting itself and preparing for the future. The worse you feel, the more pain you feel, the more you are negitively reinforced from making the same mistakes again. When a reasonable and aware person who has been through what you have senses it approaching again they have the knowledge and experiance you have gained through your pain to guide them away from the danger. It gets better. I promise. If you are like most of us, the next phase you will begin is self destruction. Don't allow yourself to enter that one. It's not worth the rist. Just avoid it. Know that you are valuable in and of yourself. This really isn't the end of your life, regardless of how it feels right now. Do what you do to cope. Have a 4oz single malt Scotch and try to relax. Watch a ball game. Listen to music that makes you happy (stay away from that sappy stuff, please!), Go out and see a movie. Play a video and kill some bad guys. Just don't wallow in your pity party. You are in control, excercise that control.
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Poetic. The need to do this kind of introspection will pass, I promise it will. Truthfully what you are doing now is causing you more pain. I did it myself. It's your mind protecting itself and preparing for the future. The worse you feel, the more pain you feel, the more you are negitively reinforced from making the same mistakes again. When a reasonable and aware person who has been through what you have senses it approaching again they have the knowledge and experiance you have gained through your pain to guide them away from the danger. It gets better. I promise. If you are like most of us, the next phase you will begin is self destruction. Don't allow yourself to enter that one. It's not worth the rist. Just avoid it. Know that you are valuable in and of yourself. This really isn't the end of your life, regardless of how it feels right now. Do what you do to cope. Have a 4oz single malt Scotch and try to relax. Watch a ball game. Listen to music that makes you happy (stay away from that sappy stuff, please!), Go out and see a movie. Play a video and kill some bad guys. Just don't wallow in your pity party. You are in control, excercise that control. I wonder if he should print that off and hand it to her, perhaps at a latter date. What does everyone think?
sugarmomma Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Some people put their happiness first and if they are not happy they make decisions that will effect others. Sorry this is happening, but people have a right to leave if they want. They forget all about the promises they make to God.
Gunny376 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Lakeside is right ~ this is a phase of divorce that we've all been through. While spring-cleaning last week, I came across an e-book written by a regular "working-Joe-The-Plumber" type about divorce from a man's perspective. He was right on. He took a friend whose wife lied and told the court that she was afraid of him and what he might do to her. The court issued and eviction notice which he got served by two sheriff's deputies and he had twenty minutes to gather what he could in garbage bags. He spoke with him much as we do here on LS, and got him up and on his feet. It got such to the point where the local Sheriff's department would drop some guy off at his house. And he would do the same for him. Former residents would come over and they would sit around in the back yard around the 55 gallon pit fire drinking beer and talk about their marriages, divorce, etc There are definite phases to going through a divorce ~ much like grieving for the lost of a love one. (Google the five stages of grief) One of the things that you need to understand is that the rules of marriage have change? A long with a lot of other things? Back during the day sixty or seventy years ago, it was hard for someone to find a spouse. Hell it was hard to court back in those days. Most of America was rural and one would have to walk or ride a mule to find a suitable partner. Now days? You can literally travel twenty miles in under twenty minutes. There's the Internet, cell phones cheap long distance etc. The rules have changed ~ but when it comes to marriage we're all pretty much are playing by the same rules of sixty ~ ninety years ago? The really good news for you is that means the tables have flipped from when you were single and in high school and/or college. There are more good women than there are good men. Its HARD for a middle age woman to find someone that's single, has a steady job, isn't homeless, a crackhead, crank-head, makes a decent living, whose children are grown or almost grown, responsible and own their own, isn't a cheater, a womanizer, a sex addict, a drunk, etc. When it comes time and you've had time to heal you'll find someone worthy of your affection ~ they're out there. What one woman will abuse? Another can certainly use! Its just that most of us married young in our twenties ~ and we didn't have a freaking clue as to what we were doing and getting into. But we're older now and more experienced? We know more of what we're looking for, and what we need! We're aware of the different types of personalities that come with women. The control freak, the 'home -improvement' freak that tells you need to comb your hair to the left when you've been combing it to the right all your life. I realize your in the early throes of all this mess ~ BUT with time? It does get better, and there IS life after divorce! I was married for 12 years, and after that I shacked with another for 6-1/2 years. When she and I broke up ~ I said forget that! I'm going to learn how to be happy and single if its the last thing I do! And in the end its ourselves that are 100% responsible for our own happiness! Lakeside learned that! I've learned that! People? They come and go! But NO one monkey makes a show! The graveyard is slam full of people that are indispensable! That can't be done without! Newsflash? If Bill & Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, the whole of Washington was wasted tomorrow the World would keep on turning, and the Sun would still keep on shinning! And the sun is going to rise tomorrow, and its going to shine on your face just as it always has and always will. This is not the end of your life, although it may be the end of your marriage! (Or at least this marriage) Your going to go through the "Five Stages of Grieving" ~ but your one day are going to come to the point of "WTF was I thinking when I married her?" Somewhere between where your at and then ~ on a bright beautiful day in the Spring? You may from time to time find yourself stumbling into a package store and telling the clerk, "Just give me two fifths of anything ya got! I don't give a damn!" The worse thing you can do is buy off that the failure of the marriage is 100% your fault! It takes two to make it ~ but only one to break it. And a lot of times it comes down to the other one just wanting to 'scrog" some POS whose a loser and has nothing going for themselves! This never ceases to amaze me ~ in that so many women are willing to leave someone and have sex with someone that is basically a loser, hasn't any prospects, no future, no ambition ~ zilch going for themselves? WTF!
Biggie25x Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Gunny, That's great advice. I read that and felt you could have been talking to me. I agree with the not thinking it's 100% your fault thing. I am in the process of fending off my STBXW's thoughts that it was all me myself. It's like she's revising history and what she says happened never did. I don't get it. I know better even though I may feel guilty for my part of our marriages collapse. I didn't get here by myself and aren't ending it by my choosing. You have to be true to yourself and KNOW that you didn't get here all by your lonesome.
Recommended Posts