Forgiven1971 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 am a 37 y/o female with no kids. Been married for almost 10 years. To say that I am confused it to say the least. I don't even know where to begin but I need some help. I have no-one to turn to. My husband is the only man I have ever been with. We have had so many problems through-out or marriage. He is controlling, almost got violent with me some of the times and never put our marriage or me first. Too many things to list. Told me he married me out of obligation and told me at one point that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Basically took advantage of me. We have been together since I am 13. I stayed for a while, till I got some self worth back and told him that I thought we should divorce. He said we would do whatever I thought was best and it took A LOT for me to walk out that door. He cried. I cried. He understood me. The day I left, I passed out in front of him because I guess I wasn't sure if it was because I was scared of change, or because I really didn't want to go. Still not sure what happened there. My friend (guy) that I have known all my life basically gave me the self esteem that I never had. I was never told i was beautiful. By the way, I am 5"3, 110 lbs and considered very attractive to other people. I guess needless to say, I started developing feelings for my guy friend. He recently told me that he was in love with me from the first time we met and never told/acted on it since I was with my husband. He knew about some of my problems. But this guy friend, is everything I ever wanted in a man. I know him longer than my husband.. About 28 years. I got the courage to leave my husband a month ago. I couldn't get my guy friend out of my head and I realized that he would treat me the way I was supposed to be treated. My husband does not know about this guy friend and I. He only knows that he has always been just a friend.. Now, I have gotten in way too deep.. I am staying at a relatives home for now, going to counselling with my husband (he wanted to go as a last chance save and I agreed even though I don't think it's going to work) and I am seeing my guy friend on the side. I do love my husband. I just think it's a different kind of love. Definitley not the same. I just keep remembering the bad things he has done and made me feel about myself and us. Used to cry myself to sleep. I took a lot from him. I feel like crap (and I should) because I am cheating. Never thought this would happen to me. But now I am in a situation where I don't know what to do. When I look at my husband, I think of my guy friend. I see my husband once a week for counseling. My problem has always been that I don't want to hurt anyone elses feelings. Even though my husband put me through torture, I am scared and upset to get a divorce. He cried. He really wants me back and understands now that he was a "bad" husband. I am just scared he would go back to his old ways because this has happened before where he would be great for a while, then be the put down putz that he has always been. I am so glad that right now he has owned up to it. I just have a hard time with trust. I'm not sure if I love my guy friend. I think I put up a block in my head because of my husband. But, we were just intimate. I have strong feelings for this guy. He would treat me perfect. Again, I have known this friend forever so I know how he is. I feel like crap because I was intimate but I am torn between what I should do and how I should handle this. I know I have-to say good bye to one. Can't go on like this. I have no one to ask for advice as I am embarassed and should be. I do feel my husband pushed me into some-one elses arms but I also feel that I am a peice of crap because of my situation. Any responsed would be so much appreciated. Please help. Thank you for listening.
Darth Vader Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 am a 37 y/o female with no kids. Been married for almost 10 years. To say that I am confused it to say the least. I don't even know where to begin but I need some help. I have no-one to turn to. My husband is the only man I have ever been with. We have had so many problems through-out or marriage. He is controlling, almost got violent with me some of the times and never put our marriage or me first. Too many things to list. Told me he married me out of obligation and told me at one point that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Basically took advantage of me. We have been together since I am 13. I stayed for a while, till I got some self worth back and told him that I thought we should divorce. He said we would do whatever I thought was best and it took A LOT for me to walk out that door. He cried. I cried. He understood me. The day I left, I passed out in front of him because I guess I wasn't sure if it was because I was scared of change, or because I really didn't want to go. Still not sure what happened there. My friend (guy) that I have known all my life basically gave me the self esteem that I never had. I was never told i was beautiful. By the way, I am 5"3, 110 lbs and considered very attractive to other people. I guess needless to say, I started developing feelings for my guy friend. He recently told me that he was in love with me from the first time we met and never told/acted on it since I was with my husband. He knew about some of my problems. But this guy friend, is everything I ever wanted in a man. I know him longer than my husband.. About 28 years. I got the courage to leave my husband a month ago. I couldn't get my guy friend out of my head and I realized that he would treat me the way I was supposed to be treated. My husband does not know about this guy friend and I. He only knows that he has always been just a friend.. Now, I have gotten in way too deep.. I am staying at a relatives home for now, going to counselling with my husband (he wanted to go as a last chance save and I agreed even though I don't think it's going to work) and I am seeing my guy friend on the side. I do love my husband. I just think it's a different kind of love. Definitley not the same. I just keep remembering the bad things he has done and made me feel about myself and us. Used to cry myself to sleep. I took a lot from him. I feel like crap (and I should) because I am cheating. Never thought this would happen to me. But now I am in a situation where I don't know what to do. When I look at my husband, I think of my guy friend. I see my husband once a week for counseling. My problem has always been that I don't want to hurt anyone elses feelings. Even though my husband put me through torture, I am scared and upset to get a divorce. He cried. He really wants me back and understands now that he was a "bad" husband. I am just scared he would go back to his old ways because this has happened before where he would be great for a while, then be the put down putz that he has always been. I am so glad that right now he has owned up to it. I just have a hard time with trust. I'm not sure if I love my guy friend. I think I put up a block in my head because of my husband. But, we were just intimate. I have strong feelings for this guy. He would treat me perfect. Again, I have known this friend forever so I know how he is. I feel like crap because I was intimate but I am torn between what I should do and how I should handle this. I know I have-to say good bye to one. Can't go on like this. I have no one to ask for advice as I am embarassed and should be. I do feel my husband pushed me into some-one elses arms but I also feel that I am a peice of crap because of my situation. Any responsed would be so much appreciated. Please help. Thank you for listening. Tell your husband that you just had sex with this OM, tell him the truth, which will rip his heart out, but don't drag this out. When you tell him, he will absolutely hate you, then he will want divorce. Only thing, don't you dare blame your husband for your riding this OM! You did that because you wanted to, even because you wanted to hurt your husband for revenge perhaps, and to end the marriage.
troubadour Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Get divorced for yourself... not for your guy friend. There is no point for staying in abusive marriage. Don't feel bad for your husband... I can guarantee he is not going to change. Dead dog is not going to learn new trick. Why would you like to suffer with him? Just get divorced for yourself. If your guy friend is there when you are a free woman... that's good... if he is not there... don't worry about it too much. There will be someone else... better than your husband. Good luck.
Athena Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 My problem has always been that I don't want to hurt anyone elses feelings. Even though my husband put me through torture, I am scared and upset to get a divorce. He cried. He really wants me back and understands now that he was a "bad" husband. I am just scared he would go back to his old ways because this has happened before where he would be great for a while, then be the put down putz that he has always been. I am so glad that right now he has owned up to it. I just have a hard time with trust. I'm not sure if I love my guy friend. I think I put up a block in my head because of my husband. But, we were just intimate. I have strong feelings for this guy. He would treat me perfect. Again, I have known this friend forever so I know how he is. I feel like crap because I was intimate but I am torn between what I should do and how I should handle this. I know I have-to say good bye to one. you cannot have one foot in, and one foot out of your marriage. You have already left the marital house, so you're basically out... continue and divorce. It doesn't matter that 'he cried' (crocodile tears) and that he admitted his mistakes... there is just too much abuse you put up from him, and too much time you invested in that man. End it with H, and if you really like what you see in the other guy, date him. But don't mess him about either. Since OM has declared his love for you, be gentle with his heart. He must be a very sweet and patient man to have waited decades for you without telling you his feelings out of respect for your R with your H. Your H will never change. He is pulling out all the stops now to get you back in his clutches. Once you are back in his web, he will start his old, comfortable, well-worn habits with you. btw how old is your H?
boldjack Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I think that you should get the divorce as soon as possible. But you should also take responsibility for your cheating. You have a bad marriage and maybe most of the responsibility for this is your husband's, but the fault for the cheating is ALL yours. You need to tell your H the truth , that you have slept with another man, and broken your wedding vows. Then if you want, you can see the other man, without guilt or shame.
LakesideDream Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I'm not so sure that fornicating with a lover while seperated and living apart is cheating. Tacky maybe, premature certainly, but chating I'm not sure.. That being said. No kids, no compelling reason to be married to a guy you are afraid of, borderline abusive, it's time for you to go. It muddies up the waters to be copulating with one guy, while trying to process a divorce with the other but that's certainly your job now. Please do your best not to destroy the new guy. Chances are he's just to dumb to realize what a foolish mistake he's made being intimate with you before your life had become stable.
lostsunsets Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 yeah, as long as you're married, it's cheating. If your love for your husband is not "that kind of love" divorce him. Any love that is not "that kind of love" between a man and a woman, isn't worth spit. So just envision your life without your husband, and him finding a new love, and if you're OK with him moving on, then divorce him. You don't marry someone you can live with. You marry someone you can't live without.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Tell your husband that you just had sex with this OM, tell him the truth, which will rip his heart out, but don't drag this out. I usually agree with my man DV. but I say forget about telling your husband and just do the one right thing by him.....let him go. Keep the separation going and get a divorce in the works. Don't go off and boff another man(which I know you already did) just because you are "separated" and end up going back to him later.....set him free from you.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I'm not so sure that fornicating with a lover while seperated and living apart is cheating. Tacky maybe, premature certainly, but chating I'm not sure.. I actually agree with this.....as long as she goes through with divorcing her husband. If she went back to him, then I'd consider it cheating because the "separation" would just be an excuse at that point.
AnthonyF Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 No kids, unhappy marriage, no self-esteem, married out of obligation, emotionally abused in your words.... What's the big deal/question. Grow a spine, divorce and get on with your life. Again hate to ask, but why is it so tough if all you have said is true. Do you have a career, a job, independence? Sounds that your husband or someone has put you through horrendous mental abuse where you are so troubled about getting out, have to bring up your measurements and other peoples views too. My gosh add to all this you are not a child @ 37, just trapped in the mind of one.
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I usually agree with my man DV. but I say forget about telling your husband and just do the one right thing by him.....let him go. Keep the separation going and get a divorce in the works. Don't go off and boff another man(which I know you already did) just because you are "separated" and end up going back to him later.....set him free from you. I think I see where you're going, but, man, you just know that hubby's gonna wanna know why, it may be inevidable that he knows. Besides, hubby's gonna want to know if he got AIDS!
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Besides, hubby's gonna want to know if he got AIDS! This is why I think BS's should be able to file charges against WS's for attempted murder. Or would it be manslaughter?
Darth Vader Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 This is why I think BS's should be able to file charges against WS's for attempted murder. Or would it be manslaughter? Anything would be better than it is now! Cheaters get nothing, talk about no accountability for their actions!
jnj express Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 take everyone's advice take this to a divorce. Then you can decide what you want to do. Once you are free you might find someone who you haven't even met yet, who will be your future. You were with life long friend out of a need to be treated like a person. He may not actually be the one for you. Get your divorce drop both of these men, and start your life brand new. You might just like what happens. If you are going to proceed to a divorce, do not tell your H., about your cheating, he does not need to go thru that kind of pain.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Anything would be better than it is now! Cheaters get nothing, talk about no accountability for their actions! Well we know cheaters will never get what they deserve, but I think at the very least, if a marriage is dissolved on the grounds of adultery, and it can be proven, I think a judge should be able to rule that said cheater is legally barred from being married for say, 10 years. I'd say indefinitely.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 yeah, as long as you're married, it's cheating. No, it's not. Lots of people split up, start seeing other people, and the divorce doesn't get finalized for months or years. If you didn't start sleeping with your friend until after you'd left your H, and if your intention at the time you left was that your marriage was over, then I don't see how you cheated. If you DID start sleeping with your friend before you left your H, then yes, it was cheating. But not to a degree that I think requires much moral censure. If your husband has a history of being emotionally or verbally abusive towards you, and has almost been violent towards you several times in the past, that's something nobody should have to live with. I think you should just divorce him. It doesn't surprise me that you still love your husband; even women whose husbands beat the crap out of them, usually still love them. And they take them back repeatedly when they say they're sorry, promise they'll never do it again, promise they'll change, etc. Most people don't change. Especially if they've promised to change before and simply gone back to their old ways. Your choice seems simple: stay with your husband, who's abusive and unpleasant to live with, or leave him and be with somebody who treats you well. To me, this is one of those situations where the "cheating" isn't really a big issue.
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