Conversation dries up...what's wrong?

[Donicim]

Last night, I went out on a second date with a girl I'm absolutely mad about. I was reasonably excited before the first date, but she was so much prettier and nicer than I remembered I'm quickly becoming infatuated. Anyway, I prepared well for the first date, did my homework, and had a whole list of conversation topics and interesting questions prepared for her, and we kept conversation going--mostly--until dessert. There was still a huge awkward silence while we waited a ridiculous time for the bill, but I walked her to her car and was rewarded with a kiss goodnight and "thanks for a lovely evening". Considering the stiltedness of the conversation, that took me by surprise, but sure enough the second date was arranged, and putting my feelers out among our mutual friends found I'd got a good report.

 

Last night, I took her to the cinema. I'm a hell of an introvert, but improving after making a concerted effort to improve my body language. My plan had been to kiss her when we met at the bus stop (the opportunity never arose) and take her hand while we walked from the bus to the cinema (she kept her hands in her pockets). We had an hour-long bus journey to get there, and my supply of questions and interesting responses had dried up fifteen minutes before we arrived. I was reduced to making banal comments every few minutes, with monosyllabic responses. My mouth was dry.

 

Once in the cinema, things weren't much better. I dropped change all over the floor at the box office and neither of us said anything through the adverts while people chattered happily around us. After a few false starts, I finally managed to force my trembling arm to put itself around her shoulder fifteen minutes into the film. Typical. Poor seat design, and though she tried to snuggle into my shoulder, it wasn't looking comfortable for either of us. I whispered "this doesn't really work with this seat design, does it?" and took her hand instead.

 

Ouch. The human hand was not meant to be held for two hours solid. My fingers had all gone to sleep, the blood supply cut off against my watch since I'd magnanimously given her the arm rest. But I was rewarded with the occasional squeeze now and again. Okay. Evening recovered? Nope.

 

After the film I managed a few funny comments it'd taken me the entire film to think up, and had dried up by the time we reached the lobby. I suggested we go for a drink at a local bar I knew, until it was time to go, and we wandered in that direction. The most I could manage was a few stuttered repetitions and re-phrasings of the same banal comment about the predictability of the film's plot. I put my hand around her waist a while, but was sure she shied away after a couple of minutes and took it away. Crap.

 

Then the bar. Again, we stood at the bar, silently, for about ten minutes. After finally getting served, and with me certain that I could clearly see the signs of frustration and annoyance on her face--my mind absolutely blank for any conversation topic, my fingers nervously twitching away--I dithered about where we should take our drinks. Then she headed off without a word into the crowd. I followed, desperately. She'd seen a sofa, and we quickly colonised it. Still no conversation. I decided to find out how much I'd f***ed up, and put my arm around her. To my surprise, she leaned in, rested her head on my shoulder.

 

Still no conversation. God, I felt dumb. We sat there for a good ten minutes. I said something about the irony of putting a "responsible drinking" sign next to an advert for £1 shots, which elicited a murmer of disinterested assent. Her face was impassive. I offered an observation, "since when did Family Guy have an it-box?". No reponse. Hazarding a comment about the disgustingly obese woman opposite--a real gamble--seemed to piss her off a bit.

 

Jeez, this was awkward.

 

A brief pit-stop of conversation at 12 minutes past. Would she get any revision done next week? I'd be away on holiday. Sorry I wasn't exactly Mr Chatterbox. Then, boom, awkward silence again.

 

Twenty past, me despairing. I'd tried to get her attention a couple of times, to kiss her and break the silence, but she'd been resolutely watching a guy play the Family Guy it-box. Suddenly she turned, and we spontaneously kissed. Amazingly. For over five minutes. Changed, she broke it a moment tolook dreamily into my eyes and point out that we should go, before diving back in. I pulled out next, whispered "always leave 'em wanting more", and we put our glasses on the table and rose. I took her hand, and led her out to the street. I was happier, now. Nothing made sense, but I was happy, and she seemed relaxed. We spoke briefly, but were mostly silent on the way to the station. I tried to kiss her impulsively on the cheek, and she turned, confused at my lunge, then took it on the lips instead. An easier silence, until we reached her mum's car.

 

On the half hour drive home, the conversation was again sparse. She said something about being chubby and I chuckled "don't be ridiculous". Then we held hands in the back for another twenty minutes. She and her mum talked until we got out of the city, and she asked me a bit about uni. Then silence, that rapidly grew...awkward.

 

"Do you two always talk this much?" her mum asked, eliciting not a word from either of us.

 

I was dropped off where I'd arranged to meet my parents, thanked her mum for the lift. She leaned over and kissed me good night--in the back of her mum's car, no less! And I waved goodbye as they pulled away.

 

Right. That's the account done with. My problem? I don't know what to think. She can be a chatty girl, and when I asked the right questions and made the right comments, when I had my initial pre-prepared store, I was happy to let her talk, even though she said she thought she was "quiet". (I've known her for years and she's no such thing). But in all the awkward silences, she was visibly irritated. If it weren't for the kissing and hand holding, I'd have been absolutely sure from the rest of her behaviour that I'd put her off for good. And there's the rub--what am I to think? Does she not mind awkward silences? Did I fail, or did she somehow manage to have a good time? How on earth do I keep control and keep talking to her? I need to know that my chronic inability to hold conversation isn't as big an issue as I think it is.

 

Her mum must have seen us holding hands all the way back, and she certainly saw us kiss good night, and I'm guessing the first question once I was out of the car was "So do you really like this guy? He seems a bit quiet." Meaning that her mum knows more about how I'm doing than *I* do. My only hope is to wait until she's had a chance to gossip about it to her friends--and she can gossip for England--and then ask our mutual acquaintances what sort of report I got. Get them to press for details, if I have to. But that'll take days and I'm paranoid now!

 

You've seen everything I've seen: what do you think she's thinking? I'm so self conscious, I desperately need outside opinions.

 

Oh, and, as a side issue:

1. does it still have to be me who pushes for a third date, or can I wait and see if she suggests it? and

2. presumably normal "rules" about waiting a while before declaring exclusivity can be assumed not to apply to people our age (two 18 yr olds, one still in school)?

 

Thanks for reading, sorry for waffling...

[samspade]

Well, my friend, this is a common problem, and it does take some practice to overcome. I will give you some fundamental advice first. Don't do dinner dates, or even movie dates (especially if a one-hour bus ride is involved) so early on. They are long, drawn-out events that can be very awkward among two people who are getting to know one another. My advice is to do a much briefer first date, drinks or coffee, and then something more active for the second date. Play pool, go bowling, go to an art fair...something where you are actually DOING something together. The conversation will be a lot easier and you'll be having fun together in a much more natural way.

 

Now, if you're wanting for something to talk about (awkward moments of silence affect everyone), ask her something about herself. You could have parlayed the Family Guy thing into what TV shows she watches, for instance. People love talking about themselves, and it makes them more comfortable since it's the subject about which they are most well-versed.

 

Oh, and don't make jokes about obesity to someone you don't know.

 

In my opinion, the dynamic that occurs during dinner (eating, staring at one another) or a movie (sitting and waiting, then silence) does not lend itself well to the first few dates.

 

It also sounds like she is not helping matters - she sounds a little awkward. But perhaps she is just as nervous as you. This is why you need to keep things lighthearted and fun. Don't put so much pressure on the two of you with the hand-holding, etc.

 

The good news is she seems to like you. You should call her for another date, though. Has she been contacting you in any way? Usually a girl's interest becomes obvious at this stage - she will text you or email you a lot.

[moman]

The problem is that you're infatuated with a girl you've only went out with a few times. You're putting too much pressure on yourself to talk, and the forced conversation is awkward (Family guy) and harmful (obese jokes).

 

Just relax, be confident in yourself, and the conversation will flow.

 

Oh, and just because a girl kisses you doesn't mean she likes you.

[Donicim]

The problem is that you're infatuated with a girl you've only went out with a few times.

 

The usual problem then. At least I don't pedestalise them any more. Quite so much.

 

Oh, and just because a girl kisses you doesn't mean she likes you.

 

Yer, but if I've put her off she's got a funny way of showing it.

[hotgelato]

Maybe you're spending way too much time on a date. I like to keep it short and packed. If it's just regular dinner & movie, there really isnt much to talk about. Keep it nice and sweet for about 3-4 hrs max. If you are doing something more active, like in the outdoors, or sports, u could easily converse more without feeling frustrated!

[moman]

The usual problem then. At least I don't pedestalise them any more. Quite so much.

 

 

 

Yer, but if I've put her off she's got a funny way of showing it.

 

Don't worry, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't kiss you. But don't think that everything is home free just because she did.

 

What you need to do is 1) Be yourself 2) don't force conversation 3) think of your dates as casual meetings instead of dates, to reduce the pressure on yourself 4) call her up this week and tell her you want to see her next weekend but you're busy until then and will call her on Friday to set up a time.

[Donicim]

Don't do dinner dates, or even movie dates (especially if a one-hour bus ride is involved) so early on.

 

Well...the dinner date was partially an in-joke, and she's a romantic, so it seemed appropriate. Not much else to do in the middle of nowhere, either. We're a 45 minute bus journey away from the nearest coffee shop. Could have done drinks first, as I'd intended, but she was keen.

 

Play pool, go bowling, go to an art fair...something where you are actually DOING something together. The conversation will be a lot easier and you'll be having fun together in a much more natural way.

 

Well, pool's a possibility, but not much of a date. Bowling is 45 minutes in the opposite direction from the cinema. I hate this town

 

Now, if you're wanting for something to talk about (awkward moments of silence affect everyone), ask her something about herself.

 

Well, that was how I spent the first date and most of the bus journey. I know all about her, pretty much, and she probably knows a lot about me already. Don't really want to talk about myself much, and missed any chances to say more than "me too" etc.

 

Oh, and don't make jokes about obesity to someone you don't know.

 

Oh, believe me, I was slapping myself mentally even as I let the words slip past my 'dumb' filter.

 

It also sounds like she is not helping matters - she sounds a little awkward. But perhaps she is just as nervous as you. This is why you need to keep things lighthearted and fun. Don't put so much pressure on the two of you with the hand-holding, etc.

 

I've probably not been entirely fair to her in my summation, but to me it all felt like my fault...and as for holding hands, I wasn't thinking so much about it being a pressure, as in terms of "if I don't, that plus the lack of conversation will pretty much kill it".

 

The good news is she seems to like you. You should call her for another date, though. Has she been contacting you in any way? Usually a girl's interest becomes obvious at this stage - she will text you or email you a lot.

 

Well, that was only last night, and I haven't spoken to her today. Nobody bothers texting her much 'cos she leaves her phone off mostly. I don't carry phone conversations off any better than real ones, particularly if I just want a chat and not anything specific. MSN and facebook tend to be our main interactions and she's not been on either a lot recently (work and coming up to exams etc.)

[Donicim]

Don't worry, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't kiss you. But don't think that everything is home free just because she did.

 

What you need to do is 1) Be yourself 2) don't force conversation 3) think of your dates as casual meetings instead of dates, to reduce the pressure on yourself

 

Okay...thanks.

 

4) call her up this week and tell her you want to see her next weekend but you're busy until then and will call her on Friday to set up a time.

 

I would if I weren't going away on holiday for a week from next sat, leaving only the weekend after next. Poor timing She's still promised to come and see me while I'm away at uni.

 

Given that specific reason, I might break the habit of a lifetime and actually call her up, tho. If I can bear the horror of having to ask one of her parents to pass the phone over.

[confused_2008]

I feel your pain, dude, but you know what? It's not your job to entertain her. She needs to put forth an effort just as much as you do. All those times you think she looks irritated are probably her feeling awkward because she wishes she could come up with something to say. As guys, a lot of the time we feel like we're around these beautiful women and we have to prove ourselves to them, but the fact is a lot of the time they're just as insecure as we are and are having a lot of the same thoughts.

 

I would say she's still interested in you. I think you should ask her out again and have some confidence in yourself. She's not doing you any favors going out with you. She's doing that because she wants to.

[xpaperxcutx]

When you become conscious of yourself, your awkwardness becomes much more noticeable. Always be nonchalant and don't let a little silence make you nervous.

 

As for dates, if slow dates become overbearing, go for more active ones, like skiing or picnicking in the park. Idleness only creates a uncomfortable surrounding and builds up boredom.

[mr.dream merchant]

I absolutely hate that despite all your efforts to keep conversation flowing, it usually ends up you flowing and her giving one word responses, and that's the conversation. When a chick doesn't put forth any effort whatsoever to keep conversation flowing and making the experience enjoyable, but leaving it all up to the guy, that really makes me annoyed. My GF does that sometimes. I'll try to keep conversation flowing and all she does is put forth one word responses or laugh and be like "oh yeah hahaha.." Its lame as ****. Then when I get tired of making all the effort, the silence comes and she looks at me like I'm doing something wrong. I'm starting to think that kind of mind set where they feel the guy should be doing all the conversating and entertaining is part of an entitlement complex.

[crosswordfiend]

I absolutely hate that despite all your efforts to keep conversation flowing, it usually ends up you flowing and her giving one word responses, and that's the conversation. When a chick doesn't put forth any effort whatsoever to keep conversation flowing and making the experience enjoyable, but leaving it all up to the guy, that really makes me annoyed. My GF does that sometimes. I'll try to keep conversation flowing and all she does is put forth one word responses or laugh and be like "oh yeah hahaha.." Its lame as ****. Then when I get tired of making all the effort, the silence comes and she looks at me like I'm doing something wrong. I'm starting to think that kind of mind set where they feel the guy should be doing all the conversating and entertaining is part of an entitlement complex.

 

I personally think this is indicative of lack of chemistry. If I'm speaking to someone and don't feel any connection and don't want to reveal too much about myself I resort to the one word answers. This applies for males and females.

[likestolaugh]

I personally think this is indicative of lack of chemistry. If I'm speaking to someone and don't feel any connection and don't want to reveal too much about myself I resort to the one word answers. This applies for males and females.

 

 

then again, sometimes people just don't feel talkative. My gf goes through these stages... she'd told me a few times that she's never been able to sustain conversation as often and as consistently with anyone as much as me. But conversely, sometimes she'll just give one word answers.... it seems to be her mood/tiredness or something.

[prettybaby]

Oh, the joys of being young and awkward!! LOL I certainly don't miss those days Don't worry, it gets better with time. I'm guessing you're somewhere around 16 or 18, right? No more than 20, I suppose.

 

She sure didn't help the situation, but hey, is this her very first dating experience?

[Donicim]

I absolutely hate that despite all your efforts to keep conversation flowing, it usually ends up you flowing and her giving one word responses, and that's the conversation. When a chick doesn't put forth any effort whatsoever to keep conversation flowing and making the experience enjoyable, but leaving it all up to the guy, that really makes me annoyed.

 

Well like I said, it's the other way round. She's flowing, I'm flailing.

 

I'm guessing you're somewhere around 16 or 18, right? No more than 20, I suppose...but hey, is this her very first dating experience?

 

18, yeah. I think this is the first time she's been on proper 'grown up' dates, rather than drunken fumbles etc. I want to indulge our mutual romantic ideals...

[likestolaugh]

18, yeah. I think this is the first time she's been on proper 'grown up' dates, rather than drunken fumbles etc. I want to indulge our mutual romantic ideals...

 

 

well relatively "grown up"... her 'mum' was there?! What, just sitting in the car?

[Donicim]

well relatively "grown up"... her 'mum' was there?! What, just sitting in the car?

 

Not planned. She drives, but we were getting the bus in and out. Her mum happened to be in the city visiting H's brother in hospital, and offered a lift back. But yeh, we're not 'grown up' dating...there'd be better rules if we were.

 

God this is horrible. She's finally come on MSN and after the whole "hi" "hey" "how are you" "bored" stuff it's all just dried up again. I have absolutely nothing to say to her. Mind you, I made an effort, and I still had to initiate conversation (waited a long while for her to..) but even if it's not all me, this is a disaster.

 

I need to work out how to move this from the dating sphere to something more casual and schooly... there's nothing fun to do round here in the middle of nowhere, and we've exhausted films and dinner for now. Nowhere to go for a third date.

[prettybaby]

^^ Honestly, she's 50% at fault here. She's totally not helping the situation. I mean, when things flow between 2 people, they could be stuck in the woods and still have fun. Can't you guys go over to each other's place? Watch DVDs, listen to music, play games (videos, cards, whatever), go shopping if one of u needs something (even if it's for your freaking dog, it doesn't matter). Don't you two hike? Bike? Roller blade? Anything at all? If the weather is nice, it's also nice to go for a pick nick and lounge in the sun while reading a book and casually talking. Does she cook at all? Do you cook? Why not make dinner together?

 

Seriously, it's not that hard. Do you guys even have anything in common?

[Enema]

When you've got nothing to say, I know it's easy to jump on something to "complain" about. (Poor movie plot, obese woman, responsible drinking sign)

 

But, negative comments subconsciously get built into her perception of who you are. Try to avoid them.

[Donicim]

It's all academic now. I just got the "it's not you it's me" gentle let down. It's always the same one about how it's unfair to make me put up with all their "crap and insecurities". A quick debrief with a mutual friend, and it's off to hibernate in misery until the day after tomorrow when I can return to happy bunny status. At least I never have to see her again.

[prettybaby]

Jeez, she sounds sooo lame. Good riddance. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but wow.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's all academic now. I just got the "it's not you it's me" gentle let down. It's always the same one about how it's unfair to make me put up with all their "crap and insecurities". A quick debrief with a mutual friend, and it's off to hibernate in misery until the day after tomorrow when I can return to happy bunny status. At least I never have to see her again.

 

I can't say I didn't saw this coming. The lack of interaction hasn't really help build up any chemistry between you two. Maybe you were the one who were more excited to date her than she was you.

[mr.dream merchant]

I personally think this is indicative of lack of chemistry. If I'm speaking to someone and don't feel any connection and don't want to reveal too much about myself I resort to the one word answers. This applies for males and females.

 

Maybe. But 10 months into the relationship? She seems more talkative around her friends/family than me. I guess that's normal for anybody though. I'm more talkative around friends/family than her so I wouldn't hold that against her. Its just annoying cause sometimes it feels like she'd rather not converse with me due to the lack of effort she's putting into the conversation. I know its not due to her not liking me or some other drastic explanation, she's been with me for 10 months and can't go 30 minutes without contacting me or not hearing from me. Maybe she sucks at conversating with BF's?