Falling in Love with Best Friend!

[Amy]

I am 21 years old and I am a junior in college. Up until about 7 months ago I had been seeing a guy for almost 3 years. I broke it off because I needed other thiings from someone I would spend the rest of my life with--like communication and faith. I'm satisfied with my decision, but this absence of a boyfriend helped me to meet and make many new friends. One of these friends is Ned.

 

I met Ned through a retreat about 9 months ago after my boyfriend and I broke up. We had mutual friends and we just started hanging out. Soon we talked almost every night and we even took a road trip together. Ned makes me feel really special and there are so many times when I feel like we were made for each other. We both have the same interests and want the same things in life. We can be crazy together and serious and he has all of those things that my ex-boyfriend didn't.

 

The only problem is that he has a girlfriend. She is living over seas for a year taking classes. they have been going out for almost a year (but only 3 months of that have they acutally seen each other). They email and IM frequently, but thats about all. Nothing at all has happened between Ned and I except our just friend cuddles and hugs. I know that Ned and I just fill a void in each other's lives since we both are missing our significate others, but my feelings for him are so much more than that now. His girlfriend, on her Easter break, came home to be with Ned. I talked with Ned twice during her whole two week stay--usually I would have talked with him 10 times. As soon as she left, he called me though. I came over and we talked for 5 hours about how he doesn't want to be with her anymore, what he loved about her isn't there anymore. I didn't try to push them apart, I was consantly asking him to point out the good things about her but he just couldn't see them. They just don't fit together, they are polar opposites. this was 2 weeks ago and he hasn't done anything yet about their relationship, so I don't know if he will follow through with his words. Besides this one time, however, he rarely brings up his girlfriend, some people don't even think he has one. He says it hurts him too much to bring her up and talk about her since he can't even see her.

 

Ned considers me one of his closest friend. when his grandfather died he came to me first. When he gets a free moment, he calls me. when he wants to do something on the weekend, he wants to do it with me. I've been told not to pursue my feelings, which I think is love, because he is such a good friend, but I don't agree. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel or if I should just let it go. I don't want to tell him and then our relationship be weird and end. I also don't want to embarass myself if he just likes me as a friend.

 

Any advice would be wonderful.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

Love is nothing but RISK. You have to take a risk here. You aren't going to feel right until you let him know where your heart is and see where his is.

 

You are being insanely cruel to yourself by being around this guy and falling even further for him without him knowing how you feel. What if he breaks up with the girl...and then falls for somebody else? You will really feel like crap then.

 

And don't deceive yourself by saying you could screw up the friendship if he doesn't feel the same about you. The FACT is you are in love with this guy and you DON'T want to just be his buddy. Don't kid him or yourself.

 

You should be very cautious of how you speak to him. Ask him to a quiet place, perhaps in a park, where you will not be disturbed by phones, friends, or other interuptions. Then tell him that you are very fond of him, enjoy his company, and that if ever something happened between him and his girlfriend, you would be open to exploring the possibility of taking the relationship to a higher level. That's all you have to say. Just leave it there. Answer questions if he has them. Don't let him know you are head over hills. Just let him know how much you enjoy his company and that you feel there could be much more if given a chance to develop. You haven't told him anything more than you would be interested in more if the opportunity were there.

 

If he smiles and seems interested or opens the door in some other way, you've got your answer. If he says he's quite satisfied the way things are going right now...then you have to make a decision.

 

I don't think it's being nice to yourself to do so much with someone as a buddy when you are much more into him than that. If he is happy with the buddy thing and obviously you are not, you could probably get him a lot more interested if you found another male buddy or two and stopped spending so much time with him. You might bring out feelings in him that he is not aware he has for you if he has some competition for your time. You may even want to try this strategy first and let him do the bidding.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T fool yourself. Go for this guy in the ways I have suggested or other ways you may cook up yourself. But you want more from this guy than you are getting.

 

Let me also ad that gradually, you have to STOP acting like his buddy, become a lot more of a challenge, don't be as nice or available, and do what you need to do to spark his interest. I think you'll be pleased with the results.

 

I want to see you get this guy!!! There is nothing better in life than a lover who is also your dearest friend.

[Dragonflys]

Tony,

 

The advice you have given to Amy seems very good, and as you know Amy's situation is much like mine. Although my girlfreind and I broke off our relationship, we are still dating and spend a lot of time with each other. She calls me to do things with her whenever she has the time and she really enjoys my company but is so unsure about her romantic feelings. She says that sher is still sorting thorugh those feelings and until then does not feel right doing anything but holding hands and kissing on the mouth.

 

I think though I need to make myself less available for a while to allow her to see if there are any feelings there, how long do you think I should make myself scarce?. I know she will call me most nights if I am not around, so how can I avoid her without making it seem like a plot?.

 

Like Amy, I just can't keep holding on being a 'buddy' to her, it hurts me a lot and I find myself crying a lot just to feel better.

[Tony T]

There is no way for me to give you timing here. It has to come natural. The best I can tell you is GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE, don't build it around any other person. If another person fits well into your life, then fine.

 

Get some projects going for yourself, go out with friends, go places, etc. Be unpredictable. Take her calls on a sporadic basis. Be nice to her. But don't accept invitations to get together very often. Tell her you have other plans. Keep phone conversations casual and BRIEF. (See below where I describe how and why she is USING you at this time)

 

There is just no way in the universe any lady is going to fall in love with a dude that hasn't got his own life. You show her that there's more in your life than kissing up to her and she'll have a lot more respect for you.

 

These are not questions you need to ask here. This is something you have to use your own intuition and creativity to do.

 

When somebody breaks off with you, END IT!!! Right now this girl is USING you...using you for something to do until she finds somebody else she's interested in. And you are falling for it. If there is ANY chance whatsoever that the two of you could ever get back together, it WILL NOT HAPPEN while you are activity buddies and there for purposes of occupying her time.

 

Yes, you can let her know that you are interested in romance, not a buddy, and you are going to spend time seeking that out. Let her know you can visit with her on the rare days you aren't out with other ladies. Don't be a wimp here!!! Ladies DO NOT LIKE WIMPS!!! Telling her this will probably kill her...but she is the one that broke it off with you so why should you care???

 

Good luck and I hope you find a truly wonderful lady who will stand by your side proudly and want to be there with all of her heart. I am certain that will happen!!!