Married but seperated and seeing another man

[Forgiven1971]

I am a 37 y/o female with no kids. Been married for almost 10 years. To say that I am confused it to say the least. I don't even know where to begin but I need some help. I have no-one to turn to.

 

My husband is the only man I have ever been with. We have had so many problems through-out or marriage. He is controlling, almost got violent with me some of the times and never put our marriage or me first. Too many things to list. Told me he married me out of obligation and told me at one point that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Basically took advantage of me. We have been together since I am 13. I stayed for a while, till I got some self worth back and told him that I thought we should divorce. He said we would do whatever I thought was best and it took A LOT for me to walk out that door. He cried. I cried. He understood me. The day I left, I passed out in front of him because I guess I wasn't sure if it was because I was scared of change, or because I really didn't want to go. Still not sure what happened there.

 

My friend (guy) that I have known all my life basically gave me the self esteem that I never had. I was never told i was beautiful. By the way, I am 5"3, 110 lbs and considered very attractive to other people. I guess needless to say, I started developing feelings for my guy friend. He recently told me that he was in love with me from the first time we met and never told/acted on it since I was with my husband. He knew about some of my problems. But this guy friend, is everything I ever wanted in a man. I know him longer than my husband.. About 28 years.

 

I got the courage to leave my husband a month ago. I couldn't get my guy friend out of my head and I realized that he would treat me the way I was supposed to be treated. My husband does not know about this guy friend and I. He only knows that he has always been just a friend..

 

Now, I have gotten in way too deep.. I am staying at a relatives home for now, going to counselling with my husband (he wanted to go as a last chance save and I agreed even though I don't think it's going to work) and I am seeing my guy friend on the side.

 

I do love my husband. I just think it's a different kind of love. Definitley not the same. I just keep remembering the bad things he has done and made me feel about myself and us. Used to cry myself to sleep. I took a lot from him.

 

I feel like crap (and I should) because I am cheating. Never thought this would happen to me. But now I am in a situation where I don't know what to do. When I look at my husband, I think of my guy friend. I see my husband once a week for counseling.

 

My problem has always been that I don't want to hurt anyone elses feelings. Even though my husband put me through torture, I am scared and upset to get a divorce. He cried. He really wants me back and understands now that he was a "bad" husband. I am just scared he would go back to his old ways because this has happened before where he would be great for a while, then be the put down putz that he has always been. I am so glad that right now he has owned up to it. I just have a hard time with trust.

 

I'm not sure if I love my guy friend. I think I put up a block in my head because of my husband. But, we were just intimate. I have strong feelings for this guy. He would treat me perfect. Again, I have known this friend forever so I know how he is. I feel like crap because I was intimate but I am torn between what I should do and how I should handle this.

 

I know I have-to say good bye to one. Can't go on like this. I have no one to ask for advice as I am embarassed and should be. I do feel my husband pushed me into some-one elses arms but I also feel that I am a peice of crap because of my situation.

 

Any responsed would be so much appreciated. Please help.

 

Thank you for listening.

[2sunny]

no kids? ok, before you take action on any further relationship with the OM - get the divorce finalized, THEN decide whether or not you want to spend time with him.

 

why are you going to marriage counseling if you have no intention of working it out?

 

are you playing games with your husband and the OM? be honest! be honest with yourself and what you want out of life... then correspond those truths to the people in your life.

 

if you decide to stay married - then don't complicate it with the OM by keeping him around to stroke your ego.

 

if you decide to leave the marriage permanently - then give yourself time to heal properly before getting involved any further with the OM.

 

this is only a healthy approach. keep the complications at bay... it makes it easier when the waters aren't so muddy.

[Forgiven1971]

No, I have no kids. Thank god for that with my situation.

 

I am not a game player. I think (and not sure) if i am going to counseling with him because I can't let go of him for some reason (maybe cause he is/was the only man I know) OR I think there is still something there that i can't see OR because I know HE wants to try. I usually do things for other people. Especially him. I can't stand to see him hurt. I know that's bad. I've been very hurt and still feel this way about him.

[2sunny]

No, I have no kids. Thank god for that with my situation.

 

I am not a game player. I think (and not sure) if i am going to counseling with him because I can't let go of him for some reason (maybe cause he is/was the only man I know) OR I think there is still something there that i can't see OR because I know HE wants to try. I usually do things for other people. Especially him. I can't stand to see him hurt. I know that's bad. I've been very hurt and still feel this way about him.

 

i think you aren't honest about your situation - even this post isn't under the Marriage forum - much less the separation and divorce OR even the Infidelity forum.

 

you need to figure out first things first. by having the OM you have caused further confusion within your mind.

 

first figure out IF you want to stay married. after getting your mind clear and are healthier to make big decisions - only then should you decide what to do IF you end up divorced.

 

you are NOT being fair to yourself, your husband or the OM.

 

tell your husband and the counselor about the OM so that everyone involved can know exactly where they stand and can make decisions for the future based on the absolute truth.

 

THAT would be a good place to start. THAT would be the truth. to have everyone trying to make healthy decisions based on your lies is just not at all fair to anyone - including the counselor who is trying to help you all make educated decisions based on facts. even he/she doesn't have the facts... it's up to you to put all the cards on the table.

[gopher]

IMO you really need time alone after your divorce to just remember who you are, and enjoy that, instead of getting involved with someone else.

[sugarmomma]

Sometimes we become a couple before we know who we are as individuals, and it sounds like you don't know what you want or need. This is easily done when you haven't had enough time as a single person.

 

If I were you I would take some time away from the both of them and deal with all the feelings that come along with that (e.g the loneliness, confusion and eventual peace) then figure out slowly who you want to be with. You don't have to divorce your husband right away. Just tell him that you want a trial separation to figure things out. But in the meantime you should stop seeing the OM. He doesn't need to add to you confusion.

 

Stop worrying about hurting someone else. You cannot set boundaries in your and take care of the other persons feelings at the same time. They will get better in time. You have to do what is best for you and your life.