Dumped, want him to reconsider, ideas?!

[cherryade]

Hi, sorry this is quite long.

 

We've been together for 3 months, everything moved pretty quickly at first. There were indications that it was pretty serious - meeting all eachother's friends even though they were in different towns, he even went to my nephew's christening.

 

He lives and works an hour away by train, so we usually only saw eachother at weekends, but not necessarily every weekend. I didn't see him last weekend. And allthough I saw him the weekend before that it was a pretty stressful time and we didn't get any time together alone. These past 2 weeks we haven't communicated well, for which both of us were partly to blame. He's also been v busy at work, even staying at work til 2.30am on one occasion (he supposedly works 9-5).

 

I knew we were under a bit of pressure, and having not seen him for a while I had examined areas where I could improve and become a better girlfriend to him (I'm not a terrible girlfriend, I could have perhaps just been more supportive of his work, and a bit less demanding on his free time, which I hadn't really realised there was so little of). I was ready and even excited to put these ideas into action and just generally be more relaxed. I wasn't expecting him to come this weekend, spend a few hours together and then dump me. Which is what he did.

 

His reasons for doing this are a bit unclear to me: he said he doesn't see a future in it, but he also said that he'd rather end it now than in 2 months time when he's more sure his feelings aren't strong enough (neither of us have ever told the other we love them, but we did declare our strong feelings regularly, just not involving the dreaded L-word (we were both in long term relationships before, and were aware that at 3 months there was nothing wrong with it not being said)).

 

I suggested that we could make more effort to spend some quality time together alone over the next couple of weekends, and then reassess how we both feel. He didn't want to do that. He reasons for this were unclear, he said he hadn't reached his decision lightly, that it wouldn't change anything and that he was stubborn. He wants to stay friends.

 

I'm very upset. As far as I can tell, everything was fine until the past couple of weeks, which have been stressful for various reasons and lacking in communication on both sides. I accept that things were not perfect, but I also firmly believe there's something worth fighting for, and that it's not sensible to make this decision after such time apart and a difficult couple of weeks. It hurts me more that he's unwilling to try and see if there's anything to fight for. If at the end of that period the outcome was the same then yes, I'd be disappointed, but at least we would know we had tried.

 

I think it's really very unlikely that there's anyone else involved.

 

I'd like him to reconsider this, but don't want to drive him away with my pushiness, I tried to explain my opinion at the time. But I'm also worried that left to his own devices, even if he did question his decision he wouldn't do anything about it. He's too stubborn, and he has some strong ideas about not messing girls around, which is admirable, but I feel that in this case he really has bailed too soon.

 

I know we were only together 3 months, but I want to fight for this. Is there anything I can or should do?

 

Thanks for reading x

[messed-mind]

he said he doesn't see a future in it

 

That's everything you need to hear from him to tell you that he absolutely does not want this to continue. I'm sorry, but there really is nothing more you can say to him or do for him that will change his mind.

 

Three months isn't that long and sounds about long enough that the initial rush of feelings might be over for him and now he doesn't consider the relationship worth pursuing. It's also still very much at a dating stage, I wouldn't call it a relationship. If you don't count the past few weeks (since they've been hopeless anyway), it's probably only been a couple of months, and even then you've seen each other, what, 8 times?

 

I'm only looking at this objectively to put into context that he maybe didn't consider it anywhere near as serious as you did.

 

However, don't blame yourself for not supporting his work, either it's bull***** and he's been using it as an avoidance mechanism (I should know, I've used the "way too busy" excuse in my time) or he's not got the time to put into a relationship. That said, I've said on another thread here that when a guy really likes a girl, he will wipe his schedule and call across glass to make it work. You may say "we did that together, we did this together" - that's all in the past and longer matters; this is the present, he's made it clear to you.

 

He's just not into you. Go NC and move on.

[cherryade]

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

I wasn't v clear about the length of the relationship - I didn't count the "dating" bit. It was three months of serious relationship.

 

I'm not disputing that if someone says they don't see a future in it, it's pretty much pointless. But what worries me is that I feel that although that's what he said, it was based on a couple of difficult weeks which weren't a fair reflection of our relationship.

 

He said very clearly, and has done in the past when talking about previous relationships, that he wants to remain friends and enjoys the time he spends with me etc. I wonder whether he expects too much of himself feelings-wise too soon. You're right, we have only spent about 13 weekends together, and some of those didn't consist of much quality time alone. This is partly why I had some things I wanted to change about the way I approach this time, to make it better for both of us, because I felt I was still learning about our relationship, and I still believe that there would have been easy improvements to be made had he been willing.

 

His work definitely wasn't just an excuse, and unfortunately in the current financial climate he's not in a position to drop everything for me. I would neither want nor expect him to do that.

[messed-mind]

Now you're making excuses for him, almost backing him up. I work in financials myself and I can tell you it is very, very tough right now. I have to work long hours sometimes, sometimes through the night and the odd weekend. However. I never, ever don't have the time for my girlfriend. I can always find the time to spend together. That's just me though.

 

I really doubt he decided it on a whim; he's had two weeks to think about it. Look back at:

 

he said he hadn't reached his decision lightly

 

If this relationship was as serious as you make it out to be, then surely he would have contacted you and explained how he was feeling and that you both needed to work harder at it? Or why didn't he put together a plan to strengthen it?

 

However, that's not what happened, he came down to spend time with you, and called it all off.

 

If you didn't date each other, how did this come about? How did you launch straight into a serious relationship when you live so far apart and only see each other (maybe) at the weekends?

 

I'm sorry you're feeling really down about it, it really does rip your heart out, we've all been there but you can do a lot to protect yourself by going NC and moving past him. Keep posting how you feel, it'll get better as time goes on. Additionally, don't read into the "friends" gesture, it's to ease his guilt for just dumping you. Take closure from that.

[Chiara]

OMG! Cherryade I truely feel for you, I am in an almost exact same situation. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we're full on during this time, practically living together.

 

I feel the relationship has been perfect up until about a month ago when he started hating his job. Ive tried to be supportive and helped him apply for other jobs but in this current climate it is not easy and he hasnt had so much as an interview. Needless to say this has been getting him down and things have become strained between us, with him becoming more distant.

 

It finally came to head on Friday night with him saying he didnt know what was wrong with him or what he wanted out of life. He feels he should be settled and happy with his life at his age - he's 33. But doesnt think its fair on me to carry on while he's feeling like this. He used the same words, that he hadnt taken this decision lightly.

 

Im devastated, I really didnt think it would come to this. I too feel like we had so much going for us and that we are just giving up at the first hurdle. He doesnt seem to want to even try to work through this - thats what I find so hard. We also hadnt said the L word even though I know I love him and told him when we chatted last week. It didnt bother me he hadnt said it during the relationship his actions spoke louder than words.

 

He's away this weekend while I have been sat here crying, unable to sleep, eat and spent the whole time smoking and drinking tea!

 

I didnt say much during the phone call on Fri as I was too upset but have so much I want to say to him. Ive put everything in an email and sent it on Facebook yesterday. I felt I had to try to get him back otherwise I'd always regret it. I am sure he will read it sometime today when he gets back as he's always on there - I desperately hope that he will reconsider after reading it but know deep down that he probably wont. After that I dont feel there is anything else you can do, he has made his decision and you have to respect it. At least I know I tried. NC is probably the best way, friends will be too hard to start with, concentrate on your self and if its meant to me he will get back in touch - I truely believe that.

 

I know its hard, I dont even know how i'll face work tomorrow! But at least you know you're not the only one going through this! Take care xx

[cherryade]

Sorry Messed-Mind, I haven't been very clear in my space-saving attempts.

 

We did date, we've known eachother a very long time although not always kept in contact. It's only the relationship proper that has been 3 months. In addition, we discussed in great depth whether it was the right thing to do given the distance and each of our circumstances. Obviously, we decided we both felt strongly enough that we wanted to be in a relationship.

 

There is no issue with the hours he works or him not making time for me. I don't expect to see him mid-week. My statement about me not being very supportive of his work referred to my belief that he doesn't get paid enough for what he does. I have came to accept that he knows my view, and it was my role as his girlfriend to accept the informed career choices he makes rather than continue to tell him something he has been told before. He heard me, it's up to him after that.

 

Last weekend we had a long chat about how we both were feeling. The result was that although I was aware things weren't perfect, I was confident that there were no major issues and that we were both looking forward to spending some time together. I was shocked when we didn't really spend any time together - he'd already made his choice.

 

He says he didn't take this decision lightly, and I'm sure he didn't. But it's very easy to get into a negative frame of mind and convince oneself of the appropriate course of action, especially when there's no-one or nothing to remind you of the alternatives.

 

Considering until the past couple of weeks, which have been quite stressful at work and lacked opportunities to talk properly, everything has been going really very well, it seems that he may have lost sight of the many positive aspects of our relationship and convinced himself of something that isn't necessarily right or true.

[messed-mind]

I think, you think you can change his mind. I think, you think you can convince him to be with you. I think, you think you know better than he does. Classic denial, and signs of controlling behaviour.

 

This is my last shred advice on this thread and i'm going to say (this may sound harsh); what part of his "i don't want to be in a relationship with you" aren't you understanding? Do you think he's going to suddenly change his mind once you present your case of "look how good it used to be" ? Do you really want to be with someone that you need to prove how good it was to get them to be with you?

 

Considering until the past couple of weeks, which have been quite stressful at work and lacked opportunities to talk properly, everything has been going really very well

In YOUR opinion. He doesn't think so. He told you it was over.

 

I don't want anyone to be hurt on these horrible break ups, I wouldn't like anyone to suffer what I did or anyone to be humiliated like I was when I was on my hands and knees trying to convince my ex that our relationship was the best thing ever. However the longer you drag this out the more pain that's gonna result from it. I'm telling you that from the heart.

 

You'll need to confront him and try to convince him that his decision is wrong - been there, done that, made a complete fool of myself. Good luck with that.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[cherryade]

Thank you for your input Messed-Mind.

 

I have actually experienced a breakup before. I know the pain and I also know that it will, eventually, go away.

 

It's not about changing his mind. I have no desire to force him into a relationship he does not want to be in. Even if I could it wouldn't last. And who wants to be in a relationship like that anyway?

 

I think you have missed the point of my concerns. Yes, he has dumped me. Yes he has said, effectively, I don't want to be with you anymore. Yes, he has said he doesn't see a future in it.

 

What I am concerned about are the reasons WHY he has said this, or feels this way. If it is the way he feels, and has done for a while, and continues to feel this way, then that is unfortunate, but it's not meant to be.

 

However, feelings change. They can be manipulated by circumstance. They can be manipulated by overly positive or negative thought. Because of my knowledge of our circumstances there is a possibility, in my opinion, that his actions are as a result of a negative pattern of thought about our relationship that I haven't been able to break because I haven't seen him.

 

Those who have experience of being the "dumper" will know that often it is easy to go from considering it as a possibility to it seeming like the only option in a scarily quick timeframe.

 

This is my fear. And although there's always the possibility of his feelings changing again of their own accord (and of course that his feelings are for good and I'm just clinging onto false hope), it's unlikely to happen any time soon considering our circumstances. Our relationship is half my responsibility, he's not going to fight for it, so I have to. And it is worth fighting for.

[miss_28]

"What I am concerned about are the reasons WHY he has said this, or feels this way. If it is the way he feels, and has done for a while, and continues to feel this way, then that is unfortunate, but it's not meant to be."

 

He feels this way because he is a jack-ass. Plain and simple. The truth is it really doesn't matter (in the grand scheme of things) why he feels this way - it has nothing to do with you is the likely answer. You will just drive yourself nuts if you try to figure this out... trust us. If you try to "fight for the relationship", you will lose your dignity and self-respect in the process. Besides, how do you fight a one-sided battle? Who or what are you going to fight? Him? Don't do that to yourself... feelings are illogical, don't try to fight them with logic, you'll only make it worse.

[cherryade]

I'm disappointed and upset that it seems there's nothing I can do.

 

I genuinely feel that I can see the situation more clearly than he can at the moment, and I'm hurt that he won't even try to see it my way.

 

I don't want to fight him in the sense that one of us will win and one of us will lose, I just want him to see what I can see.

[miss_28]

I know cherryade... believe me, we've all (or most of us) have had that frustration on this forum. It's a normal reaction when something stupid happens in our lives. But you have to learn to manage it, this need to reason with him, because there is no reasoning with the heart. Just let it go, it'll get better eventually.

 

Anyways, isn't it better that he reaches his moment of clarity on his own (if at all)? Trust me, you don't want to get him back because you debated him into it...

 

Here is a saying that is cliché but oh so true:

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

 

He is the horse.

[messed-mind]

Very true words.

[Ronni_W]

I genuinely feel that I can see the situation more clearly than he can at the moment, and I'm hurt that he won't even try to see it my way.

Cherryade,

You definitely do have a clearer view of your perspective than he will ever have.

And he definitely has a clearer view of his perspective than you will ever have.

It will ALWAYS be thus!

 

Is it not strongly possible that he is standing over there at HIS viewpoint saying, "I'm hurt that Cherryade won't even try to see it MY way"?

 

The major difference appears to be that he is okay with you seeing what you can see -- he is allowing you to have your own clear perspective.

 

Difficult as it is, I would encourage you to try to have some compassion for HIS perspective, regardless of how clear or unclear you judge that to be.

[cherryade]

So that's it then? There's nothing I can do or say, nomatter what. Brilliant. What a waste.

[messed-mind]

You can do something.

 

You can sit him down and explain face to face that you love him, and that his opinion is wrong, and that he made a snap and irrantional decision and that you deserve a second chance.

 

If he turns round and says that he doesn't want to be with you in a relationship, then you can accept it, put it rest and move on with your life with complete closure.

 

Any further pursuing after that moment, and you can consider it verging on possesive and controlling which will drive him away permanently.

[cherryade]

I did that already. Trouble was that it was immediately - he was trying to dump me and I was arguing with him. So obviously at that moment he had already decided he was dumping me and that was that, and I probably wasn't being terribly coherant.

 

I can't really say it all again. It would drive him away. I guess I just have to leave it and hope that some of what I said will sink in with time and that he begins to doubt himself.

 

One of our mutual friends told me that he really was finding the long distance hard and that she suspects that was the key factor because it meant any other issues couldnt be resolved properly. It's such a shame he didn't tell me he was finding it difficult until he'd decided he couldn't do it anymore - I've been in a long distance relationship before and was probably pretty ignorant to how difficult it might have been for him, and the worst thing is that if he'd said something there are things we could have tried; I only work 3 days a week, so there was room for me to me to go to him, but it didn't occur to me that it was necessary. On the contrary, I thought that independence during the week was a good thing for him, leaving him free to work as late as he wanted.

 

I'm so unhappy.

[messed-mind]

Well if you're already tried that, there is absolutely nothing you can do but go NC and move on. If you chase him further, I'd say you're into stalker terroritory. Let him go.

 

I know you're unhappy, it's ok to be unhappy. You'll probably be hurt, angry, depressed and with emotions all over the place for quite some time. But that is normal, the healing process is a long one. I compared my break up after 5 years much how I imagined the death of a loved one - one day her family and her were there (her family were like my family, we were so close) and the next day they were all gone and never saw any of them again (my ex cut off all communication and told me to never contact her again).

 

You will recover, in time.