College Life: What the Hell Am I Doing?

[colosseum]

I'd really like some help, because this issue has been killing me since I started college and I still haven't figured it out. Please be patient; I'll try to keep it succinct.

 

To preempt any pejorative/judgmental remarks: one LSer said that I am "desperate to glean tips on how to p/u women." I can't change what you want think of me and/or call me, but I'm just a guy who wants to genuinely get to know women personally and who wants to gain confidence in approaching strangers w/ a good chance of success.

 

Now, I'm going to lay it all out there.

 

I'm in college. I'm a man. I have some experience, but if you've seen my other threads you could probably tell I'm not the king of the dating scene by any means. I usually drink just enough for me to feel relaxed (aka very little).

 

I like LS because it's a place where everyone seems to be here for the right reasons; genuine people really wanting to help with real situations. It's not about how sexy one looks or about how many people one has slept, but about real dating, real people, and the human in love. These are standards that keep the integrity of what love really is about and by which I strive to abide.

 

But I just came back from a typical college party: loud music, lots of drinking, obscene dancing, hooking-up, the one-night-stands, you know the drill. It's different.

 

For some reason, I think it's weird to go up to some random girl and start dancing behind her (and because I think it's weird, of course you can imagine its miserable execution) much less take her back to my room later. And of course this isn't the place for the formal "would you like to dance with me" of a ballroom floor (which, having taken ballroom and loving formal settings, I'm really good at), especially when the music is yelling that sweat is dropping down one's balls.

 

I guess I'm really just not confident when it comes to such parties. I'm a pretty good looking guy and I get eye contact from girls (especially since I'm a decent dancer), but then somehow I turn into this creeper when I try to approach them. Then I see all these other guys talking it up and laughing with girls at these parties, and I feel bad that I'm not there where they are.

 

That said, I can much more comfortably strike a conversation with a girl in broad daylight than when everyone's drunk at the party. I guess that's a start, but so much of the...well, "intimacy" happens at parties (or immediately following).

 

And to be honest, I can't neglect my raging hormones; come on folks, I'm in my early 20's, and, well, as they say, it's college, right? It's often that I come back from a party disparaged that I come back alone. I always blame it on the music, because I "just wasn't feeling it." That's what I tell myself to feel better. And it doesnt' help that my friends are really good people who don't get plastered, hook-up, and get involved with women a lot because when they do, it's a pretty exciting development. Frankly I'm tired of being there.

 

So what's going on? Should I just be getting totally plastered to try to meet new people and get confident at parties? Is there something I'm missing? OR, am I doing the right thing by holding my ground and trying to be the more reserved, do-docile-things-on-Friday-nights type? (but then see, there's less likely a chance that I'll meet more women, and I know I need practice meeting people--AGH:eek:) And frankly, getting to know women is a process that must be practiced, and I would really like more practice under my belt so that I won't be single and looking at age 75.

 

It would be helpful if you could provide your personal stories from your college lives and your personal take on the college scene.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much, LSers. I would really really really appreciate your thoughts on this.:o:o

[JanaJ]

There is def a difference between meeting someone during the day and night. When I go out at night I'm going to hook up or just to dance with my friends. If i meet a guy at night, most likely i'm not going to get into a relationship with him. i'll consider a relationship if I meet a guy during the day. there's just something different about it you know..

 

Plus if i do something with a guy at night and i'm drunk, i'll wake up the next morning and feel like a sl*t and then i'll deft never talk to him again. and by the way going up to someone and grinding on them is so high school. don't do that in college :-)

 

if you search google for gatsby's college dating I think his site has some tips. I sent my brother there once. I think that if you feel more comfortable during the day you should meet girls during the day and then invite them out with you at night. this way you can have fun at night and play to your strengths by meeting them during the day :-)

 

Hope this helps

[WhyYesThankYou]

I would suggest skipping the parties altogether, if that's not your scene.

 

You say you can strike up a conversation with someone in broad daylight, so do that. You're in college, so there's heaps of activities other than just parties. You can go to seminars, sports events, contests, etc etc - find someone who looks interesting and go up to her and start talking.

 

Or go to a cafe where students hang out, and approach a girl there. Ask what she's reading. Ask what she's studying. Try to find some common ground and take it from there.

 

Trust me - there are chicks at college who can and do have "intimate encounters" that were not initiated at parties.

[Sephirothh]

No stay with it, don't be a quitter and give up,,, screw cafe's ur in college enjoy it while it lasts........you got to learn how to get good at this, and the only way your going to get good at it is to keep trying and building experience with it, for one thing get a little more drunk and let more loose, try to just have fun, and be fun with others....thats your first step right there...don't think just do it, have fun is the first thing you must do

[Admiral]

That said, I can much more comfortably strike a conversation with a girl in broad daylight than when everyone's drunk at the party. I guess that's a start, but so much of the...well, "intimacy" happens at parties (or immediately following).

Intimacy can happen in the day time too, if you know what you're doing.

 

So what's going on? Should I just be getting totally plastered to try to meet new people and get confident at parties? Is there something I'm missing? OR, am I doing the right thing by holding my ground and trying to be the more reserved, do-docile-things-on-Friday-nights type? (but then see, there's less likely a chance that I'll meet more women, and I know I need practice meeting people--AGH:eek:) And frankly, getting to know women is a process that must be practiced, and I would really like more practice under my belt so that I won't be single and looking at age 75.

Getting drunk, and alcohol in general, is a very bad way to help you pick up women.

[Sephirothh]

Getting drunk, and alcohol in general, is a very bad way to help you pick up women.

 

no its not, if it gets him loose it will be a big help....sometimes u need to have an excuse and his excuse for letting loose will be the alcohol as long as he doesn't have beer rage and doesn't start fights he should be fine, it will help his game.

[Mahatma]

I am about to finish my freshman year of college and I can say there have been NO girls at any of the parties I would have wanted to hook up with.

 

I personally do not want a party/club rat girl to be my girlfriend, or to even have sex with. Maybe you do, but think about what type of girl you want, and then think if that type of girl would want you.

 

You wanna meet real girls? Stop going to parties.

 

Go join some clubs.

[BobSacamento]

Alcohol is social lubricant and personally don't see it as a bad thing. What extent you use it will determine what kind of woman you would like to attract.

[You'reasian]

I'm coming off a successfull date not too long ago, trailed by a fairly successfull 2008 - the gap between the two was due to my own laser-like focus on business. Fortunately or unfortunately most of them, I met at a club.

 

Last night, I met someone who was attractive and definitely intelligent. It was completely random and the connection was pretty good - so we'll see how that goes. I didn not meet her at a club - rather at a coffee shop.

[IcemanJB]

Hey man, if you're not into the get-totally-smashed-and-one-night-stand sort of activities, it's totally fine. I'm going to graduate college in a couple weeks (well, pending final grades ), and I can count on one hand the number of times I was truly drunk. I also go to a school that has historically been ranked in the top 5 party schools in the USA (with a couple times at #1). MTV even has a show called "College Life" about my school.

 

I just never really had a desire to party all the time. I love to tip back a beer or two with friends or at a bar, as that's where I'm most comfortable.

 

As for meeting girls at parties, I can remember one in particular my sophomore year. My roommates had a ton of people over, and this one girl (cute, but pretty drunk) was all over me. As the night wore on she got more aggressive (wanting to go to my room, etc...), and honestly, her drunkenness was a turnoff for me! I would probably never consider a serious RS with a girl that I met (drunk) at a party. I've never had a one night stand, and never intend to either.

 

Fast forward to last year. My roommates and I had some people over, and my sister brought one of her friends along, who I knew decently well at the time. I always had a thing for this girl, but she was more the party-type and I wasn't. I was the only sober guy in the house that night, yet even with all these guys flirting with this girl, I was the one she was talking to and the one who ended up dating her for awhile. Our RS ended mainly because of her partying and immaturity, but she still contacts me (in fact, did this morning), and I know she still has a thing for me, but I don't want anything to do with her until she settles down.

 

Then this past week I did something I've never done before. Walked up to a girl (waitress - she was alone working at the time) I hardly knew, and gave her my number. She's been texting me ever since, so we'll see where that goes.

 

Anyways the point is you're probably better off putting yourself in situations where girls aren't just in college party mode. I was never really interested in the party scene at all, I'm a terrible dancer, but I still met and dated some very cool girls so far.

 

I guess that's my take on the college party scene.

[colosseum]

Thank you everyone for all your input, though this is not to end the discussion as I have still much to learn.

 

But since the OP (notice the length of dry period in posting since OP and the first reply--a good month) I've been getting better at feeling better about myself and am currently seeing a girl.

 

...the only way your going to get good at it is to keep trying and building experience with it, for one thing get a little more drunk and let more loose, try to just have fun, and be fun with others....thats your first step right there...don't think just do it, have fun is the first thing you must do

 

Yeah, this is what I've been learning. I've just been going out and enjoying myself, laughing, joking, and what do you know: I'm seeing more of those pretty smiles from the ladies.

 

Alcohol is social lubricant and personally don't see it as a bad thing. What extent you use it will determine what kind of woman you would like to attract.

 

I have been drinking just a bit more at recent smaller gatherings, and have noticed that it loosens me up a lot more and just lets me be me, without all the analytical thought processes running through my head and potentially prohibiting any good opportunities.

 

Then this past week I did something I've never done before. Walked up to a girl (waitress - she was alone working at the time) I hardly knew, and gave her my number. She's been texting me ever since, so we'll see where that goes.

 

IcemanJB, this is the kind of confidence toward which I aim. Congrats to you of course, but yeah I'm just keeping at it.

 

Live & learn, right?

[Mahatma]

I have been drinking just a bit more at recent smaller gatherings, and have noticed that it loosens me up a lot more and just lets me be me

 

I really do think that is absurd.

 

You are drinking to make yourself more socially acceptable.

 

If you wanna learn to loosen up, teach yourself to do that. Work on yourself instead of using alcohol to do it.

 

I have nothing against people who drink, but I do think you can achieve everything you want WITHOUT drinking/drinking more. Your real personality isn't going to change.

[Els]

I agree with Mahatma. If you are uncomfortable enough that you need alcohol to loosen up and be yourself, you might want to think about the real source. Maybe it's the environment? The type of activity? Your perception of self and people?

 

For me, I ALWAYS find myself uncomfortable in big parties. My niche is elsewhere -- namely small groups of people sharing the same hobby. I can completely loosen up and be myself there, even though large social functions turn me into a prickly hedgehog with my tongue stuck to my mouth.

 

What's going to happen when the girl agrees to go on a date with your drunk self (assuming you don't embarass yourself then)? Will you drink for that too?

[IcemanJB]

 

IcemanJB, this is the kind of confidence toward which I aim. Congrats to you of course, but yeah I'm just keeping at it.

 

Live & learn, right?

 

Live and learn is right. I really don't know how I was able to do it. I just...did it. I was nervous as hell, but just sort of forced myself to do it. I think it helped that my buddy was there, and I remember saying to him "next time she's by herself, let me know, because I'm going to go up to her". That way, I had to stick to my word.

[D-Lish]

Getting drunk, and alcohol in general, is a very bad way to help you pick up women.

 

no its not, if it gets him loose it will be a big help....sometimes u need to have an excuse and his excuse for letting loose will be the alcohol as long as he doesn't have beer rage and doesn't start fights he should be fine, it will help his game.

 

Depends on how much he has. If he gets really drunk, most people would find that a turn off. There is nothing worse from a woman's POV to have a loaded dude approach you and slober on your shoulder.

[colosseum]

I really do think that is absurd.

 

You are drinking to make yourself more socially acceptable.

 

If you wanna learn to loosen up, teach yourself to do that. Work on yourself instead of using alcohol to do it.

 

I have nothing against people who drink, but I do think you can achieve everything you want WITHOUT drinking/drinking more. Your real personality isn't going to change.

 

Hehe, I like this thread. It's interesting.

 

Let me just say that I am allergic to alcohol, but not lethally; if I have that one more beer, I could die pretty quickly. I'm really super light-weight.

 

I realize that the anonymity of these websites makes it inherently impossible for others to get to know who I am, but trust me when I say that I am not one to drink to get crunk and plastered. I drink alcohol for its taste. Once the taste is gone I'm done. This usually means a beer or two, maybe a glass of wine. Period. I don't drink to be socially accepted, because frankly, most all of my friends are really modest drinkers, if not non-drinkers.

 

I agree that you can achieve everything (indeed, anything arguably) without the assistance of alcohol.

 

All I'm saying is that it sometimes taste really good, and I like to enjoy it with a small group of friends.

 

This may all seem a bit contrary to the OP because maybe the setting has been different; I haven't been going out to HUGE parties lately, but smaller gatherings.

 

But I also think, Mahatma, that I've just been getting more confident and comfortable with myself in general (yes, withOUT alcohol). I have henceforth been able to loosen up, relax, and enjoy myself more.

 

That's probably what's underlying all this and that which is most fundamental, regardless of alcohol.

[mental_traveller]

 

 

Getting drunk, and alcohol in general, is a very bad way to help you pick up women.

 

Not in my experience, I always pick up women quicker if I get drunk. Not to mention that getting them drunk too is a major help Booze has been helping people get laid for thousands of years.