bikerboy7 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Hi I am in a mess right now and don't know what to do from here on. Two weeks ago I was dumped by a woman I have fallen for in a big way. We had a long distance relationship which began on holiday. We were both recently out of long term relationships. We agreed that we would be in this for companionship, fun and closeness and that neither of us wanted anything serious. I developed feelings for her though and I decided to be honest and tell her how I felt. She seemed cool about it but always said she isn't ready for anything serious. Since then our relationship seemed stronger if anything. She'd been let down in both of her serious relationships in the past, so it was natural for me to tell her how I felt about her and to remind her that she was the only woman I wanted in my life. This backfired..completely out of the blue she dumped me. Her reasons were that she was trying to be someone she is not. She says she believes in having a close emotional bond with someone before becoming physically intimate with them and with me it happened the other way around and we got together for all the wrong reasons. Part of me wants to believe this is the case, but another part of me thinks that this isn't true because a couple of months ago we had an issue where I was uncomfortable with our relationship being casual and she tried her hardest to keep me on those terms. I am getting mixed messages here. She wanted casual and I didn't, now she is saying she can't do casual because it doesn't fit in with her values. What's going on with her? I have always thought that friends can become lovers but lovers can't be friends and I am struggling with this. I have told her I want to be her friend and because I love her I will let her go. But am I being dishonest? My hope is that in time we can develop a strong emotional bond which maybe can turn into something more again. Right now I just want her back. But that is now...will this change? She has warned me that if I ever feel I want anything more from her I must be honest with her and back off. I said that's fine I just need time to cool off first and it will be 7 weeks before we see each other again so I'm sure it will be OK. However I don't know if I can do it...should I just give it time and see how I feel about friendship? Should I tell her right now that I can't do friendship then do NC and try to forget about her? I just don't know whether she has been honest with me. I would like to think she has been, but that she doesn't know herself what she wants and needs me out of the way so she can thinnk clearly. Are her reasons valid or are they just a way of saying she isn't attracted to me anymore and she is just letting me down gently. She says I have done nothing wrong but surely it doesn't matter how we got together - if she really wanted to be with me then this owuldn't have happened. Has anyone had any experience of this. Is there such a thing as Lovers > Friends > Lovers? I have no idea of the best way to proceed with this. Can anyone give me any advice? It's a long post so thanks if you made it to the end.
Ronni_W Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Let me see if I got the gist of it -- it started off as a (casual) holiday romance, which is what both of you wanted at the time. Then you got serious, and she started feeling the pressure of being in a relationship that was getting emotionally closer than she originally "signed up" for. Is that close to accurate? If I'm reading it correctly, I'm not seeing anything "mixed" in her messages: When you were uncomfortable with casual (even though that is what you originally led her to believe she was getting), she tried to keep it casual. She had sex with you before establishing an emotional bond because she didn't want a serious relationship...and wasn't expecting you to change your mind and subsequently want a serious relationship with her. I'm reading that she can't do serious WITH YOU because of her different approaches to the two types of relationships -- you agreed to casual at the beginning so she had sex before she became emotionally connected. But if you had told her you might get serious, then she would have ensured to get emotionally connected before sex. I'm not seeing it as a "values" issue but even if you call it that, her message appears to be consistent -- she wanted casual, she "signed up" for casual, and this relationship is marked as "casual", within her own definitions and guidelines for how she conducts herself. Unfortunately, the best way to proceed is to consider this casual holiday romance as having reached its natural conclusion. It has nothing to do with if there can be lovers > friends > lovers. Don't look for clues that she doesn't know what she wants or is confusing her "values" or will change her mind. She has been really clear and honest with you.
messed-mind Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I agree, there is no mixed signal here, she's been honest with you and you're trying to peer through it to see if there is another message beneath - there is no recovery from this. It also sounds like you're going to make the classic "just been dumped" mistake of trying to squeeze a friendship out of something to keep her in your life in the hope she changes her mind. That is a fast lane approach to a doomed situation that'll only rip your heart out all over, and this time it'll get stomped on. You want a relationship with her, she doesn't want one with you. Let her go out of your life, don't try to salvage a friendship under false pretences, go NC and enjoy your life. It was a fairy tale holiday romance that has come crashing to reality (like most of them do). My guess is she's still into her ex.
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