Ginger79 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Hi! I'm a long term troll and first time poster. I guess writing things out helps me a lot with clearing my mind. And if I could get some advice, all the more better. I was in a 8 years relationship with an abusive psycho and I jumped into this current relationship which is approaching 6 years with the sweetest man I know. I'm approaching 30 in two months time and I still feel like a little girl and lost. Not to mention, I have build up resentment over the last 2 years towards my current partner. He is the sweetest guy I know but while he's an introvert, I'm an extrovert. I'm okay with it in the beginning, however, over time, I began to resent the fact that he's not accompanying me to anything. He doesn't like hanging out with people because he really thinks that most people aren't worth hanging out with as they are all idiots and just trying to put on a front to be likeable. He finds their talk boring. At the same time, he is so compassionate and kind when he talks to them or make jokes etc. He seriously had a good time! I just wonder why he would just revert back to that old hermit attitude! We have dissimilar interests except for reading. He and I are both book lovers and we work on an intellectual level. Many men bore me with inane talk or their insecure "put the girl down" jokes. There are other things that we are disimilar about but I feel like they are trivial and I shouldn't even be concerned because he's a great guy. I feel embarassed even putting them down, such as I LOVE the beach/sun/heat and he doesnt, I love dancing, he doesn't. He loves different music from me etc. We do enjoy vastly different pursuits. I get a little resentful because his career is far ahead of mine and I feel like I'll always need to go with his choices. I know he wants to move somewhere quieter in future but I'm not sure if I want to. I feel a little stifled and I began to doubt what I want or even who I am. Some folks mentioned that it's probably I have never been single and thus never really discovering myself without any attachment to somebody's else's feelings. It's getting so that I am very depressed and I cannot concerntrate on work. In such economic times, I need to concentrate on work because I believe everyone is dispensible. I looked back over the years and I realise that I have molded myself into what he likes. He doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage but I do. And I talked myself out of it and I'm confused as to if I really want it or not now. He said he will get married to me because I want to but I truly want to enjoy special momnets like this with someone who really WANTS it too. I don't want to hang out at the beach with someone who's just there coz I want them to. Actually, we don't really go out much because I'm so tired of being shut down everytime I suggest something but he says I NEVER suggest anything! It's just because I filter out everything I will like to do and match it to if I know he will like to do it, I have nothing left as options. Sex is also dwindling. I wonder about the chemistry. I don't want to resent him. I just don't feel excited. I want to have passion with him again but I'm wondering if our personalities will even work? Is Marriage really hard work? He's extremely devoted to me, loves me very much and wants to support me all the time. He's also a great listener and is compassionate and kind to me. He's extremely happy that he found someone who wants to spend time with him coz he's convinced that he's not desirable. However, I find it hard to tell him I'm miserable. I tried to tell him once that I have lost some passion and he said it's my issue... I'm just so confused! The confounding fears I have are 1) I'm 30. My friend told me if I never settle, I will never have anyone and be alone. That I should just be contended with my lot and that he's a great guy so I shouldn't complain. All females look for someone who loves them utterly and completely. He knows all my deepest darkest secrets and accepts them. What more do I want? I fear I won't be able to find someone else and really have to end up alone. My sister broke up with her Long-term partner when she was 28. She's now 32 and is single and miserable. She keeps telling me how old she is and that she should just have cats and that I should NOT break up with my partner coz I'll be just like her. All my friends are attached and happy. So it's not like I have lots of people to hang out with. 2.) That I believe in karma. I fear that because he's really an awesome, loyal, sweet, devoted man that if I leave him, I'll end up with someone psychotic and abusive again. 3.) This may sound shallow but I find brown-hair/eyes Caucasian men to be very attractive. My partner is one of them. But I am from a different ethinicity and I'm not beautiful and I'm pretty short. I do get compliments all the time...mainly from caucasian females but yah. I try to attracted to EVERYONE but I just tend to gravitate towards the aforementioned types of men. I just don't think I'm who they would go for. I don't know. I feel like taking a leap and trying again to find happiness with someone compatible on personalities. Doesn't have to be a clone of myself, that will be bad! But someone who would just go to the beach with me, have a drink, etc. without me having to ask, be rejected, and feel bad for going alone and leaving them behind. Someone who will go with me to places and large gatherings, someone who truly enjoys at least some things that I truly enjoy so it's not a chore. Am I being too picky? I do have the most important qualities in him that all girls look for: complete devotion, undying love, special look in the eyes when he looks at me, financial stability, great listener. He told me he only needs his hobbies and me. He also said he understands that I need my friends but they are not important for him so he will never understand why I need them or go to parties on Friday nights when he only has the weekends for me. I worry if I ask him for some space just to figure out what I truly want that he will break up with me anyway coz he's that sort of person. We never had a big fight so I don't know how to talk about such issues with him. It's not an excuse. I feel overwhelmed and depressed. nothing makes me very happy anymore. Long post but thanks for helping!
You'reasian Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Have a sit down face to face with him and tell him what you've told us
LakesideDream Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 If you are an extrovery, and he's the opposite it will be you who is responsible for changes in your relationship. For instance, you say you want him to do things with you without being asked. That's another way of saying you want him to read your mind. If doing those things is not a part of his basic personality, you can't expect him to jump to those tasks. You must ask for the things in life that you need. What's so hard about saying "please come to the beach with me" or "take me dancing" ? If those things are to difficult for you, find another guy. This one sounds like he wants a lover he's comfortable sharing his life with. That doesen't sound much like you does it. Oh and if you give him the "space speach" don't be suprised if the locks are changed by the next day.
Author Ginger79 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 I have asked him before about going to the beach or dancing. It's always met with rejection/derision. I have CHANGED my interests to match his so that we have something to do together. I listen to his music, let him blast it out loud, I go to concerts of his favorite artists with him, I go to all the social gatherings his friends organised coz he doesn't want to go alone and want an excuse to go home early. I supported all his hobbies, taking time out of my own weekend when I want to do other stuff with him to do his hobbies! I run errands for him so he'll have more time and not be so tired after work such that he'll just sit down and play XBOX. I'm PURSUING ALL MY INTERESTS ALONE or else with my group of friends that he's not interested in knowing! Yes, he wants someone to share his life with. So do I. I'm just asking for advice here with regards to compatibility issues. Is it wise to get married to a guy you love but are not having much fun with?
Touche Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I guarantee you that if you ask anyone you know who is in a happy relationship/marriage they'll tell you that when they left/were left in the relationship before that, they too felt like they were never going to find someone who appreciated them or who they felt was a really good match for them. The friend who told you to settle is no friend. No way. Those who settle end up with a mediocre life. Those who hold out for the best sometimes luck out and really GET the best. Isn't that worth the risk? For me it was. And it paid off. But I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal. Are you?
Author Ginger79 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 I know where you got the idea that I want him to do things with me without being asked. "...without me having to ask, be rejected, and feel bad for going alone and leaving them behind. " I meant the whole motion of asking him, being rejected, and then feeling bad for going alone and leaving him behind... not him doing it spontaneously without me asking.
Touche Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Have you read my "viable" thread? You guys are so not viable.
Author Ginger79 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Had a really good talk with my partner last night. I thought about a lot of things. I've been focusing on ME ME ME... what I like, what I feel is important.. but i have not been focusing on him. We have decided to take steps to regain the intimacy and passion. I'm going to give it my best shot and see if the spark/passion thing is really that important to me. I feel that it is but at the same time, everyone tells me it's a lofty ideal.
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