HurtInColorado Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Here's a novel idea STBX..why don't you try, THE TRUTH! Instead of saying 'I need time alone' or 'i love you but not IN love with you' why not say THE TRUTH. "I've fallen for this other guy and I want out of the marriage because I know you're not happy and I'm not happy. No, I don't want to go to counseling because the grass is always greener on the other side." Oh wait...you've lied to me for months, why should that change now? How silly of me to expect THE TRUTH from you. Never expect anything from an STBX. They lied to you for months, and they'll keep on lying to you. They don't respect you anymore, so what's the point? I hope to God there is karma in the world...I really do hope there is karma.
carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 You know, when reading your post, I realized how few walkaway men have been reported here of late, especially considering the high volume of female posters here. IMO and IME, when someone wants "space", they've already disconnected. The reasons at that point are really moot, as to what actions need to be taken by the dumpee or "occupier of the empty space". Read the threads linked in my signature and I think it will help start the healing process. Best wishes and welcome
Author HurtInColorado Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Yes, I agree. When they say they 'need space' they've already moved on and you're not much of anything. Right now, I'm just the father of our son, and that's about it. I will no longer talk to her unless its about our son, and then its business only. We have a No Contact order in place, and it's best to go back to that. When we talked it was the same old thing...blaming me for everything, and not being honest. I've had enough of that stuff for one lifetime, thank you. If you can't be honest, then forget it. You're not worth my time. Too bad I still love her.
carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 You're so indoctrinated into the toxic soup of manipulation it eats at your self-esteem until that reality is all you know and believe. Hey my wife had me believing I had a lousy childhood and my mom was a mental case. Well, she was right about the last part, since she only really knew my mom after she developed dementia. Still, that endless stream of little digs ate away at me. I bet you could tell some stories. Hang around. You'll get support here. Most of the men who post have gone through similar.
Author HurtInColorado Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Yes, you're right. My therapist told me that everything was about manipulation, and that's about it. She wants me to be complacent with her, give her what she wants, and get out of her life. It still hurt. It stings. I miss her still.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 What difference does it make? The truth part that is.
carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 When someone is gaslighted for so long, their psyche aches for a sense of meaning, of truth. It's receptively akin to the classic conundrum of a liar telling you that they're a liar
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 What difference does it make? The truth part that is. ?WTF? IT MAKES ALL THE F-ING DIFFERENCE!!! if you can get the truth that makes things easier for you to move on! and also she doesnt want to reveal the truth because she'll probably look like a cheap slut. sorry to be blunt but it is what it is.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I don't believe it would make it any easier - she's already leaving. It's going to be hard no matter what. Lying only makes her look bad, but to him, it should make no difference.
carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Although each of us is different, I believe the truth brings meaning to the process, kind of like curbs and gutters on a street which direct the flow of water and debris to the drain. It provides direction. I believe even those who do not want to know the truth in fact do want to know the truth but they are fearful of it; fearful of how they will respond and feel. Fear is a potent motivator for many actions.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I don't believe it would make it any easier - she's already leaving. It's going to be hard no matter what. Lying only makes her look bad, but to him, it should make no difference. You know how much torture a man or woman inflicts on himself not knowing the truth, it's like having a knife in your back and cannot feel it, even though you know it's there. Some people are rationally fine without knowing the truth, but I myself would like to know. Yeah she left but the truth makes it easier for me to process, that's all. Never discount the truth, it's not overrated.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 You know how much torture a man or woman inflicts on himself not knowing the truth, it's like having a knife in your back and cannot feel it, even though you know it's there. Some people are rationally fine without knowing the truth, but I myself would like to know. Yeah she left but the truth makes it easier for me to process, that's all. Never discount the truth, it's not overrated. That's something that only you can control. It's her choice as to what she tells you. It's your choice whether or not to accept the fact that she is lying and that you may never know the truth. You can choose to accept it, or dwell on it with the knife in your back. I broke up with my bf (1. 5yrs) and had been cheating on him for the last year. He suspected it, but I never caved and told him because I feared what he would do with the information. If I thought it would help him move on I would have told him. It would not have changed the fact that he was very hurt and heartbroken. It wasn't a fear of what he'd think of me as a person (I really don't care). But knowing him, he could have made me lose my job, my boss lose his job, and I wouldn't put it past him to tell my boss's wife. My exBF is vidictive this way, so there was absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose by telling him something he didn't need to know in the first place. All he needed to know was that I didn't love him. Also there were all kinds of other reasons that led me to cheating (or that I used to validate my cheating) so I used those reasons for the breakup. When he wasn't being an a-hole he was being a drama queen. At 42 years of age it felt like a junior high type relationship. He's out of my life now so no worries, he says he's moved on.
LakesideDream Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 That's something that only you can control. It's her choice as to what she tells you. It's your choice whether or not to accept the fact that she is lying and that you may never know the truth. You can choose to accept it, or dwell on it with the knife in your back. I broke up with my bf (1. 5yrs) and had been cheating on him for the last year. He suspected it, but I never caved and told him because I feared what he would do with the information. If I thought it would help him move on I would have told him. It would not have changed the fact that he was very hurt and heartbroken. It wasn't a fear of what he'd think of me as a person (I really don't care). But knowing him, he could have made me lose my job, my boss lose his job, and I wouldn't put it past him to tell my boss's wife. My exBF is vidictive this way, so there was absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose by telling him something he didn't need to know in the first place. All he needed to know was that I didn't love him. Also there were all kinds of other reasons that led me to cheating (or that I used to validate my cheating) so I used those reasons for the breakup. When he wasn't being an a-hole he was being a drama queen. At 42 years of age it felt like a junior high type relationship. He's out of my life now so no worries, he says he's moved on. Amazing. You actually believe gaslighting is the proper way to deal with your infidelities. That's a novel concept. I can tell you without question that had my ex been truthful.. it would have saved my life. I wouldn't dedicated it to her and the children that came after the affair began. I was good enough to provide. Good enough to confide (or so I thought) good enough to raise two children. Not good enough to be told the truth. Your ex should have had the oppertunity to trash your life if that's what it took for him to feel "equal". You trashed his to gratify your desires. Frankly I hold your stand on the issue in no repute. It's despicable.
Darth Vader Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Amazing. You actually believe gaslighting is the proper way to deal with your infidelities. That's a novel concept. I can tell you without question that had my ex been truthful.. it would have saved my life. I wouldn't dedicated it to her and the children that came after the affair began. I was good enough to provide. Good enough to confide (or so I thought) good enough to raise two children. Not good enough to be told the truth. Your ex should have had the oppertunity to trash your life if that's what it took for him to feel "equal". You trashed his to gratify your desires. Frankly I hold your stand on the issue in no repute. It's despicable. It's also like an insanity that's inflicted upon the victim of cheating, they can't distinguish what's real and what's not. It's truely the worst form of mental abuse. And it drags everything out for longer than it should ever be. Sounds like the lady became a "drama queen" herself. The sad thing is, this lady never had to face any consequences for her actions as yet, therefore she has learned absolutely nothing. On the acception that it's ok for her to go around hurting other people, and disrepecting them. I have a feeling that if this had happened to her, she'd be like "cry me a river"! Something else to add: He may have also wanted to know so he could get tested for STD's!
soserious1 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Here's what I told my ex husband Ï've been sleeping on the sofa for 1 full year, 1 full year that was totally sexless. I've tried everything I know to fix this, I didn't get married to live as your bill paying celibate roomate,since you've made it clear you don't want me, either you give me permission to bone other men or I want a divorce. Do you think that was truthful and clear enough?
peteyj Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I broke up with my bf (1. 5yrs) and had been cheating on him for the last year. He suspected it, but I never caved and told him because I feared what he would do with the information. If I thought it would help him move on I would have told him. It would not have changed the fact that he was very hurt and heartbroken. It wasn't a fear of what he'd think of me as a person (I really don't care). I doubt your cheating had much to do with your bf and more to do with you. I mean you were with the guy for 1.5 years and you were cheating for over a year? Sounds like you started cheating almost from the start of your relationship. Which means you probably should have just ended it from the start. Talk about drama. Saying all that though I don't know if the truth will set you free. In the beginning I say it would. When my wife cheated, I found out that weekend...It was tough but I would have rather found out then rather than 5 years down the road. So in that case the truth ended our marriage and started the process of me moving on. It wasn't easy but it was a stepping stone... But the 'truth' could mess you up even more. Imagine if you were married for 20 years and suddenly you find out that you're wife just cheated but also was cheating for the past 10 years...Sort of like the female poster who cheated the entire relationship and figured it was ok cause he was a drama queen. How the hell is that going to start any process. Suddenly the past 10 years become more of a who the hell else knew, who else was it with, and it probably wouldn't be something you needed to know anyway. 10 years prior, yeah, 10 years later, maybe not. Finding out the truth up front is the best case scenario. Finding out the truth down the line probably will just make your own ego and self confidence lower than it already is.
Excellent Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Amazing. You actually believe gaslighting is the proper way to deal with your infidelities. That's a novel concept. I can tell you without question that had my ex been truthful.. it would have saved my life. I wouldn't dedicated it to her and the children that came after the affair began. I was good enough to provide. Good enough to confide (or so I thought) good enough to raise two children. Not good enough to be told the truth. Your ex should have had the oppertunity to trash your life if that's what it took for him to feel "equal". You trashed his to gratify your desires. Frankly I hold your stand on the issue in no repute. It's despicable. I second that.
LakesideDream Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Here's what I told my ex husband Ï've been sleeping on the sofa for 1 full year, 1 full year that was totally sexless. I've tried everything I know to fix this, I didn't get married to live as your bill paying celibate roomate,since you've made it clear you don't want me, either you give me permission to bone other men or I want a divorce. Do you think that was truthful and clear enough? Absolutely. Your statement to your husband was both honorable and truthful. You asked for permission to search for sexual gratification elsewhere, you did your part. I see nothing wrong with your tactics. Your situation isn't unique. I feel for your position. In my situation sex was never an issue. My ex was a bona-fide sex monkey. Giving and receiving sexual pleasure was never a problem in our relationship. But alas there is often more to a successful marriage partnership than mind altering orgasms.
skinman Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 The truth is always better but you get some F-ing woman like my wife who had to blame everything on me... When she said she needed space I thought and took her for her word not knowing that in fact she needed "space" to perpetrate her affair and screw her new friend in my house that I left for the sake of not upsetting the kids lives... If I had known what was going on I would have sent her arse packing and down the road... But I wanted to try and save my marriage thinking a few days away might help things... it wasnt until I came by 4 days later that all my Stuff was packed and waiting by the door that i knew something else was up....... If She had told me she had found another guy she wanted to screw then I might have handled things differently.... yes I would have been pissed and vindictive but i would have gotten over it much faster... Instead She lead me to believe that our problems were me... and only me and that was her reason for wanting out........ She was a F-ing coward and didnt have the guts to tell me the truth......... after 15 years of busting my ass for my family and her she must have felt some guilt to go out the way she did........... You have to live with the way you end things plain and simple......... mine is fine with it... Hopefully God will grant her the forgiveness that I find difficult at this time.........
LakesideDream Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I doubt your cheating had much to do with your bf and more to do with you. I mean you were with the guy for 1.5 years and you were cheating for over a year? Sounds like you started cheating almost from the start of your relationship. Which means you probably should have just ended it from the start. Talk about drama. Saying all that though I don't know if the truth will set you free. In the beginning I say it would. When my wife cheated, I found out that weekend...It was tough but I would have rather found out then rather than 5 years down the road. So in that case the truth ended our marriage and started the process of me moving on. It wasn't easy but it was a stepping stone... But the 'truth' could mess you up even more. Imagine if you were married for 20 years and suddenly you find out that you're wife just cheated but also was cheating for the past 10 years...Sort of like the female poster who cheated the entire relationship and figured it was ok cause he was a drama queen. How the hell is that going to start any process. Suddenly the past 10 years become more of a who the hell else knew, who else was it with, and it probably wouldn't be something you needed to know anyway. 10 years prior, yeah, 10 years later, maybe not. Finding out the truth up front is the best case scenario. Finding out the truth down the line probably will just make your own ego and self confidence lower than it already is. Petey, funny you write this! My ex gaslighted me for 23 of our 25 year marriage. Were talking years to recover. I think I've recovered, well sorta... of course I'll probably never trust another woman.
CM2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Here's what I told my ex husband Ï've been sleeping on the sofa for 1 full year, 1 full year that was totally sexless. I've tried everything I know to fix this, I didn't get married to live as your bill paying celibate roomate,since you've made it clear you don't want me, either you give me permission to bone other men or I want a divorce. Do you think that was truthful and clear enough? I like that
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 The truth is always better but you get some F-ing woman like my wife who had to blame everything on me... When she said she needed space I thought and took her for her word not knowing that in fact she needed "space" to perpetrate her affair and screw her new friend in my house that I left for the sake of not upsetting the kids lives... If I had known what was going on I would have sent her arse packing and down the road... But I wanted to try and save my marriage thinking a few days away might help things... it wasnt until I came by 4 days later that all my Stuff was packed and waiting by the door that i knew something else was up....... If She had told me she had found another guy she wanted to screw then I might have handled things differently.... yes I would have been pissed and vindictive but i would have gotten over it much faster... Instead She lead me to believe that our problems were me... and only me and that was her reason for wanting out........ She was a F-ing coward and didnt have the guts to tell me the truth......... after 15 years of busting my ass for my family and her she must have felt some guilt to go out the way she did........... You have to live with the way you end things plain and simple......... mine is fine with it... Hopefully God will grant her the forgiveness that I find difficult at this time......... Why don't you go back and boot her butt out? After all, her screwing some other guy in your house is a hostile environment for your children. Have you contacted a good lawyer about what she's doing?
Biggie25x Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You know what, I have posted here recently and a lot of people I have never met have helped me through a very difficult time. I have read a ton of these posts and am starting to see a patern. Why is it the spouse that is having the affair or wants to end the marriage always blaims the one trying to save it? I mean, sure, nobodies perfect I bet the spuse trying to work things out wasn't perfect and messed up. I am sure most see the errors of their ways and want to "fix" what they did wrong if possible. Why doesn't the other person own up to their mistakes? Why doesn't the other person realize no one in a marriage lives in a vacuum and they have their own mistakes they have to fix. Not only that but they are the ones giving up after who knows how many years? It seems these people have issues with themselves and are hoping getting rid of someone will help. I think it takes two to tango and it takes two to make it work. If one is willing but the other isn't it's not the one that's willings fault it didn't work out. Sure they own their part but not the mistakes other person contributed. I know I feel like @@@@ about what I did wrong but I know I won't let the STBXW convince me it was all my fault. That's hard to do right now but it's something I know. We could have all done things different. It's the growth together that makes a marriage. Don't let her convince you it was all your fault. It took two to get married and two to break the marriage but only one to cheat.
Darth Vader Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You know what, I have posted here recently and a lot of people I have never met have helped me through a very difficult time. I have read a ton of these posts and am starting to see a patern. Why is it the spouse that is having the affair or wants to end the marriage always blaims the one trying to save it? I mean, sure, nobodies perfect I bet the spuse trying to work things out wasn't perfect and messed up. I am sure most see the errors of their ways and want to "fix" what they did wrong if possible. Why doesn't the other person own up to their mistakes? Why doesn't the other person realize no one in a marriage lives in a vacuum and they have their own mistakes they have to fix. Not only that but they are the ones giving up after who knows how many years? It seems these people have issues with themselves and are hoping getting rid of someone will help. I think it takes two to tango and it takes two to make it work. If one is willing but the other isn't it's not the one that's willings fault it didn't work out. Sure they own their part but not the mistakes other person contributed. I know I feel like @@@@ about what I did wrong but I know I won't let the STBXW convince me it was all my fault. That's hard to do right now but it's something I know. We could have all done things different. It's the growth together that makes a marriage. Don't let her convince you it was all your fault. It took two to get married and two to break the marriage but only one to cheat. It's called blameshifting. The cheater doesn't want to be held accountable or responsible for their actions. They know exactly what they've done to the BS reguardless what mistakes, how minor, whatever. Usually, the cheater just wants another piece of ASS! That's it! With no consequences, and they want their spouse to wait and live in Hell all the while and remain the faithful one while the WS has all the "fun". In these cases, the BS is the fallback person, when the WS has been dumped, or whatever. That's basically it in a nutshell.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It's called blameshifting. The cheater doesn't want to be held accountable or responsible for their actions. They know exactly what they've done to the BS reguardless what mistakes, how minor, whatever. Usually, the cheater just wants another piece of ASS! That's it! With no consequences, and they want their spouse to wait and live in Hell all the while and remain the faithful one while the WS has all the "fun". In these cases, the BS is the fallback person, when the WS has been dumped, or whatever. That's basically it in a nutshell. A common misperception when a marriage ends is that the reason was because one person cheated. Forget ALL the dozens of reasons that led to cheating. Forget being neglected and untouched for several months. Forget lying in bed crying myself to sleep while my H talked and jerked off to other women on the internet. Everyone has a breaking point. Putting his hand on my back in bed expecting me to roll over and f him is NOT a form of "Trying" to work things out. When there's no communication on both sides, the blame is on both sides.
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