HurtInColorado Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Separated June 12th, 2008. She told me and filed on the same day. Yes, told me that 'she wasn't in love with me' and that she 'needed her own space'. I knew there was another guy on the side, and I was right. He's an old friend of hers in California 1000 miles away, and he's always wanted to date her but she wasn't interested. Suddenly, she is. She tells me the reason she left the marriage was because I wasn't affectionate enough, we didn't make love enough, and I wasn't attracted to her. We have a beautiful 9 year old boy with ADD. I wanted to go to therapy, wanted to get help. I told her I was willing to do what it took to stay together, as we were married almost 10 years. Everything was going fine until I decided to fight for 50/50 parenting time in December. Now things got bad. When I started to actually fight for what was right and what was in the best interest of my son, it went to **** quickly. Then I became a bastard, and it was all my fault. It was ALL my fault from the beginning says she, but now that I decided to fight (Starting January 6th with a new attorney) its worse. She tried to get a restraining order against me. She had her attorney file it, her sister came to pick up my son from daycare Now we've spent thousands of dollars, and have a court appointed CFI (child family investigator) at her insistence because she said I will never get 50/50 and the best I can hope for now is 20% time with my son. She said that is 'traditional' and should be all I can expect. She is having serious money issues and has had to borrow money from her folks. We actually talked for the first time face to face on wednesday at my sons soccer practice. I could see the anger in her eyes, and she told me she was upset with me. I told her the same, with the boyfriend (she again denies he's a boyfriend, just a 'friend'..ugh) and with the lies, and trying to take my son from me, etc. All of a sudden she's attending a Divorce Recovery group. Now, she hasn't done ANYTHING like this since we separated, and she's somewhat of an introvert. Her only friends out here are women who have been her assistants. Go figure. So I asked her on the phone why after almost 10 months of separation is she now going to a divorce recovery group? I didn't quite get it. She said that's because that's when it was scheduled and she wanted to go. My good friends (women) tell me that the boyfriend thing might not be working out as she had planned, or that she was merely using this guy to get through the separation. Now that Plan B isn't working, she's going on to find some people like her and to move on. I've been in therapy for months and have already attended divorce recovery. Anyone out there been to divorce recovery? I'm hoping it will soften her heart so we can end this thing. Our son is suffering, and his latest comment to me was "Dad, I don't like it that mom hates you. When I look in the mirror I see part of you in me, and it's like she hates me too" That really got my attention. The hardest part about talking and seeing her again was that it tugged at my heartstrings. She told me that she really tried to be my 'friend' after the separation, but that I was making things difficult by fighting her and I should just let it go and give her 80% parenting time. Then she said she saw the Today show where a couple who was divorced got back together again after a few years. I asked her if she really felt this was the end, and she said yes...she wants the divorce. I got up, walked out, and was gathering my son's things when she walks up behind me and goes ' you don't have to be so abrupt with me'....jesus. Anyway, that's it in a nutshell...problem is, I still have deep feelings for her and miss her sometimes. My therapist has told me to get strong, since it's entirely possible that if the boyfriend didn't work out she might want to come back to me. I don't think so, but...what do you guys think? Ugh...emotions...blech.
Derek12b Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Being separated for 10 months is a long time and I feel for you and your situation. My wife and I have been separated for 5 weeks and I have gone out of my mind in these 5 weeks. I had a friend in high shcool who dated this girl for years, When they broke up he took a gun and shot himself in the chest and lost most of the movement in his left arm. They had a child together and the fact that she was starting to date other people in town drove him to do it. This was 13 years ago. Just last year they got back together and are married with another child on the way. Its a drastic story I know, but the moral of the story is, love has no boundaries. I wish you the best my friend and I'm going through some tough times right now that I would not want my worst enemy to go through. All you can do is be nice and hope....well, thats what they tell me.
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 There's a psychology to all of this, both on her side and yours. With your being the man and the one that doesn't want the divorce, you might want to read the article in March's 2009 edition of Men's Health Magazine. With that said< I would definately stay the course with getting the 50/50 custody deal. Your his father and you deserve to be a part of his life and in his life in as much you possibly can. Your divorcing her not him! She's talking smack when she talking 80/20 ~ and she knows that with a 50/50 she's not going to get any child support, and IMHO that's the issuse especially with her having money problems. LDR's seldom if ever work out, and the success rate for the with the other person that the walk-a-way leaves you for is only about 10%. Anyone more than about 50 to 75 miles away out here in single la~la land is in my opinion "geographically UA" ~ geographically un-available, and such a relationship is unsubtainable mentally, emotionally, financially, and most of logistically. There just to "taxing" What she doesn't realize is that you and she aren't in high school and/or college anymore. The tables have flipped? Back in the day we chased 'girls" until they 'caught' us. Flash ten or more years down the road, (especially in the economy) and its not so much about having a cute @ss and a six pack as it is about being financially responsible, having a good job (or even just a job) with benefits, not being a drunk, a crackhead, crankhead, etc. There are more women then men from the 'get-go' and with each passing year the chances of a woman finding a 'good man' grow slimmer and slimmer. At some point in time she will probally make a vain attempt to come back ~ but IMHO you would be crazy to take her back. Even for the sake of your DS9. She's thinking that its the way it was before she was married ~ back when she was in her teens. But what she doesn't realize is that the rules of the game have changed. Most men her age, that aren't married, and/or have steady GF's have already been through a divorce, heartbreak, and once bitten twice shy ~ and I don't give a damn what you look like. What she's going to find is that she won't have any problem finding a man? But once they've "used and abused her" and gotten what they wanted? They're going to do the same thing she's doing to you! Move on to greener pastures!
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