Miss Demeanor Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I posted about "my problem" looooooooooooooong time ago. Some of you guys gave me great advice, but did I follow it? noooooooooooooooooo. Why didn't I follow it? well because I'm weak and I have some kinda moral deficit. Anyway, my problem was that I met some guy on an internet forum, that was 5 years ago, and I developed this crush/addiction, I couldn't function if a day went by without "talking" to him. I'm married and so is he. No we didn't have any internet sex and this was strictly an EA. He told me that he loves me and I told him the same. Yes I felt guilty but I couldn't stop talking to him, so 5 years went by. We met a couple of times, we live thousands of miles away from each other, but we still managed to meet in person. Again no sex, just met for dinner and he once tried to kiss me but I pushed him away. We both have the same background and come from very conservative societies so sex, even though I was crazy in love with me, the sexual part was impossible for me to go through. Now why am I here? well a few days ago, I discovered by accident, on facebook, that his wife has just given birth, the news shook my world and burst my bubble. I felt disgust and anger at both him and myself. After some serious thinking, I decided to stop the affair and confess to my husband. And so I did. My husband was extremely angry and disappointed which is understandable but he still wants me as his wife. He told me that it'll take him a long time to forgive me and I need to prove myself worthy of his trust again. Now my problem is that I'm going through withdrawal, I really miss the OM, but I wanna go NC. And in order to do so, I need to stop talking him online, problem is, I'm finding it really difficult to do so. So again I asked for my husband's help, I asked him to put that forum on the restricted sites list and set a supervisor password so I could stop sending that man any private messages (I also deleted all my email accounts so I won't receive any emails from him) The problem is, my husband refused to do so. He said I gotta do this on my own and get over my weakness. Now for God's sake, how am I supposed to that on my own? I also asked if we can go to MC, he refused and I can't go on my own since I can't afford it and my husband won't chip in. So here I am, asking for your help again... how am I supposed to do this? how am I supposed to get over these awful feelings of depression on my own, how am I supposed to fight the temptation of talking to this man again???? I keep telling myself what a scumbag he is, for talking to me online while his wife is pregnant with his child but this is not helping me get over my feelings toward him... PLEASE HELP!!!
troubadour Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Your case is not unique at all... actually it is very very common as people do stupid things all the time. Of course they don't like to think about themselves as stupid so they prefer to refer to it as... making mistakes. I would recommend starting IC as soon as possible. You are very fortunate that your husband still is willing to try to work things up with you.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 one way to help get over him is realizing that he's still going about his own life like nothing has ever happened between you to. to his wife's knowledge you dont even exist! think about it they must be happy they're still married and just had another baby. their family is growing and your like all torn up about this. this is crazy dont you see...your only concern now should be trying to change for your husband and gaining his trust back...
LovieDove24 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I highly suggest you get the website blocked yourself. Why do you need your husband to do it for you? And if he gives you a hard time about it, tell him it truly is for the best. I will say that I can understand why he wants you to "do it on your own." because that way you'll validate that this guy really "wasn't that important" to you. Your hubby's ego is severley bruised. If he sees what a struggle you're having with it, it will devestate him even more. If he fights you on this, my guess is that 1) You never fully disclosed the severity of your "addiction" to this man or 2) Your hubby has no concept of recovery (or at the least doesn't want to) and wants you to suffer or 3) He wants to catch you again so he can boot you.
Author Miss Demeanor Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Troubadour, by unique, I meant that my husband once told about the affair, didn't have the typical reaction, meaning he didn't want to monitor my internet activities and thus helping me in my decision to stay away from this man. Beautiful Inside, yes I want to change, I'm dying to do so, I just don't know how to go about it without my husband's help or supervision or professional counseling and that's why I posted here hoping someone will guide me
Ronni_W Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Miss D, Sorry you're going through this. My guess is that your husband may still be in shock. Hopefully he will sooner than later calm down enough to realize that IF he wants his marriage to work and you to be his wife, as he said he does, then he will HAVE to also contribute to the repairs and rebuilding that needs to be done. In the meantime. Ask a trusted friend to do that "password protected site restriction" thing. You do not owe details or explanations. Check local education and counseling/psychotherapy training facilities to see if their graduating students offer no or low-cost sessions as part of their internships. Or call any church/faith based community to see if they offer fee-reduced counseling. marriagebuilders.com has a big section on infidelity (right-hand column, under 'Quick Clicks'.) Print copies of relevant articles and give them to your husband in a week or so. Tell him that your marriage will NOT survive without his active engagement, and that you are NOT going to torture yourself if he is not genuinely interested in contributing to the success of your relationship. You are NOT "weak" or "morally deficient" -- those are the words and excuses of a victim and/or a coward. You have made unwise choices and decisions...take proper and adult responsibility for your part. Hugs, and best of luck.
Athena Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 --because I'm weak and I have some kinda moral deficit. --even though I was crazy in love with me --So again I asked for my husband's help, (...) The problem is, my husband refused to do so. He said I gotta do this on my own and get over my weakness. --Now for God's sake, how am I supposed to that on my own? -- how am I supposed to fight the temptation of talking to this man again???? --I keep telling myself what a scumbag he is, for talking to me online while his wife is pregnant Hmmm re: bolded and underlined above -- a Freudian slip? Quite right, that your H does not take ownership of your problem by 'police-ing' and getting involved in blocking your emails etc!!! Of course he is hurt by your many years of betrayal, and as others have said you are lucky he is giving you a second chance... but don't try turn him into the solution of your addiction. How are you supposed to get over OM? By understanding that if you don't you will lose your H and your M. That should scare it out of you. Unless you continue to take your H for granted... You say you are angry with MM for talking to you while his W is pregnant? Is it because he didn't confide that in you? You thought he told you everything? Anyway, that is laughable that you say its b/c she's pregnant ... more likely than not, you got a slap in the face wake- up call that if his W is pregnant, that must mean he 1) is having sex with her 2) shows that he is investing in a shared future with his W, and not you... More likely than not, you are feeling the sting of unrequited devotion, and now feel like he is 'just using you' (duh), as something on the sidelines. Yes, you will be depressed and feeling sorry for yourself, feeling dejected and rejected for being a runner-up by MM and not the pined-for, desired first prize... but... this is just one consequence of your decisions (hundreds of them over the past five years) to continue with your illicit affair... so cowboy up and take your medicine like the grown- up woman you are supposed to be. Your MM is not to blame for impregnating his W, your H is not to blame for being unwilling to help you block contact or feeling sorry for your loss, YOU are to blame. You gotta take care of this yourself...
Trialbyfire Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Now for God's sake, how am I supposed to that on my own? I also asked if we can go to MC, he refused and I can't go on my own since I can't afford it and my husband won't chip in. So here I am, asking for your help again... how am I supposed to do this? how am I supposed to get over these awful feelings of depression on my own, how am I supposed to fight the temptation of talking to this man again???? I keep telling myself what a scumbag he is, for talking to me online while his wife is pregnant with his child but this is not helping me get over my feelings toward him... PLEASE HELP!!! yes I want to change, I'm dying to do so, I just don't know how to go about it without my husband's help or supervision or professional counseling and that's why I posted here hoping someone will guide me Miss Demeanor, your husband won't help you because he's letting you be the adult. What kind of adult can't stop themselves from doing things? Do you eat until you throw up? Do you void where-ever and when-ever you feel the need? Do you dress yourself in the morning? Do you shop until your entire credit card limit is maxed out, every single time you go shopping? You need to start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. Do you have any other addictions or have had any addictions in the past?
troubadour Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Troubadour, by unique, I meant that my husband once told about the affair, didn't have the typical reaction, meaning he didn't want to monitor my internet activities and thus helping me in my decision to stay away from this man. Beautiful Inside, yes I want to change, I'm dying to do so, I just don't know how to go about it without my husband's help or supervision or professional counseling and that's why I posted here hoping someone will guide me Miss Demeanor... your husband didn't want to degrade himself to this level and you should admire it. I am not surprised he didn't want to do it. I have never been married or cheated on in any serious relationship ( at least I am not aware of it ) but somehow I couldn't picture myself monitoring my wife's or my girlfriend's internet ativities, checking her cell phone, ect... regardless of the situation. If the relationship were at this point it would mean that I couldn't trust her and that it was over. I would never degrade myself to this level. Again, I would recommend IC as it is very unlikely you will be able to deal with it on your own. I still fail to understand how you allowed yourself to get into such situation. I am sorry but to me it is just utterly ridiculous.
Owl Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Your H's response isn't surprising. His response was likely different from so many that you've seen because you confessed...you weren't "caught". So that started this out on a slightly different level than those that were caught. He's crediting you (if you will) for having the wherewithall to take steps to end this yourself. Insist on marriage counseling, and individual counseling for yourself. If you can't take the measures needed to block contact, and your H isn't/won't...then you could also consider hiring a 3rd party to do so (GeekSquad/etc...). But at the end of the day...it's up to you to do the right thing. This IS all about your choice to remain married...no matter what steps anyone takes to block you, there's always a way around it. I'd suggest that another method to "block" further contact would be to contact OM's wife...with your H's permission of course...and inform her of the affair, so that OM is also monitored and can no longer easily contact you. But again, at the bottom line of all of this is your willingness and desire to save your marriage. If you don't "woman up" and do what you need to do...your marriage is OVER. It's just that simple. Your H knows this...it's all up to YOU.
Pasada Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I'm inclined to agree with LovieDove and a couple others in this thread... Frankly, I think your H meant to say, "I'm going to let you suffer in this alone because I want revenge." Sure, he should be furious and feel very betrayed, but only those who are very insecure and immature choose to fail their spouses in time of need. You messed up, acknowledged. You need help, I definitely agree. However, there was something in this A that you were missing in your marriage...and that's why you stuck with it for so long and feel the compulsive need to return. Your H, if he really does want your marriage to work, should immediately consent to counselling. He should also be asking himself, you, and anyone who knows the English language: "What is missing in her relationship with me, and what can I do to help provide it for both of us?"
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I think if you can't step up and take the necessary steps to move toward recovery(blocking the site is only one of the steps)it says your marriage isn't important enough. Your H didn't help you get into this mess, you need to help yourself get out. Go to individual counseling, look for services in your community that will help. There are things you can do, stop waiting for someone else to do them for you.
stuckinoz Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 As many have said here - Your case isn't unique. More people than you think are "addicted" to the whole internet affair thing!! NC is the best way.....I know how difficult it can be, mostly because the majority of us sit in front of a computer ALL DAY! You should be trying to gain your husbands trust back. Concentrate on that. And remember - Time does heal! It also helps to vent your frustration.
Author Miss Demeanor Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 First of all I would like to thank you all for taking the time to reply. I have been reading on the subject of "Affair Withdrawal" and found some good links. I'll post them here to help anyone who read this thread and might be going through something similar. Trialbyfire, do you really think that ending an affair and going NC is as easy as dressing yourself in the morning? I wish it is. Never had any addictions before but I have a history of anxiety, depression and panic disorder. After reading some of your replies, I think my husband is so angry right now he can't think straight. I don't blame him, I'm taking full responsibility. And yes Owl, I think you're right and I think the reason he still wants to be married to me is because I confessed, I wasn't caught. Now I have a question, how long do you think should it take for my husband to calm down a bit so we can talk MC and rebuilding the marriage? Right now he's not talking to me and as I said before, I totally understand, yet I still want to work on my marriage. I'm giving him 6 months, is this reasonable? We really need to go to MC. I don't think we can save this marriage on our own.
Trialbyfire Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 OP, do you realize how little you're considering your husband's feelings? You should be kissing the ground he walks on, instead of being angry at him for not helping you or drawing a deadline date for his ability to just get over your cheating. Are you honestly this selfish and self-centered?
Author Miss Demeanor Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Trialbyfire, where did I say that I'm giving my husband a deadline to get over my cheating? Go back and read my post. All I asked is how long does it usually take for the BS to CALM DOWN A BIT, I didn't say "get over the affair". And I only asked because I want to go to MC to help rebuild my marriage. If we're not divorcing then we'll be working on the marriage, is there any other alternative?
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 so 5 years went by. And you want your husband to more or less get over his anger so you can fix the marriage in marriage counselling? Give your husband a break! You've lied and cheated behind his back for that long and expect to be let off the hook, expect him to stop being pissed and hurt and angry and feeling betrayed so you can feel better? Sorry to be harsh but allow your husband do this on HIS time frame, not yours. Love him, be supportive and give him space. Let him dictate, not you.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Go to counselling on your own to sort out what you feel/felt for OM and that loss. DO NOT put that on your husband, you deal with that during therapy.. well a few days ago, I discovered by accident, on facebook, that his wife has just given birth, the news shook my world and burst my bubble. I felt disgust and anger at both him and myself. After some serious thinking, I decided to stop the affair and confess to my husband. And so I did. My husband was extremely angry and disappointed which is understandable but he still wants me as his wife. He told me that it'll take him a long time to forgive me and I need to prove myself worthy of his trust again. This all JUST happened afew days ago, so let's assume it's going to take your husband afew more days...No maybe afew more months, maybe even 5 or 6 months to go through ALL the motions and feelings of betrayal. All that he loved and trusted about you is gone and his world has been turned upside down. Most affairs take 2-3 years to recover from, and that only IF both are willing to do all the hard work to make the marriage good again.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Now why am I here? well a few days ago, I discovered by accident, on facebook, that his wife has just given birth, the news shook my world and burst my bubble. good Now my problem is that I'm going through withdrawal, I really miss the OM, but I wanna go NC. And in order to do so, I need to stop talking him online, problem is, I'm finding it really difficult to do so. So again I asked for my husband's help, I asked him to put that forum on the restricted sites list and set a supervisor password so I could stop sending that man any private messages (I also deleted all my email accounts so I won't receive any emails from him) The problem is, my husband refused to do so. He said I gotta do this on my own and get over my weakness. Now for God's sake, how am I supposed to that on my own? I also asked if we can go to MC, he refused and I can't go on my own since I can't afford it and my husband won't chip in. ???? isn't the money you both have marital? Or do you both keep separate accounts? If so, damn, wise move for your husband. So here I am, asking for your help again... how am I supposed to do this? how am I supposed to get over these awful feelings of depression on my own, how am I supposed to fight the temptation of talking to this man again???? Maybe you should be thinking about the 2nd chance you have been given, and instead of pissing in your husband's face, you should stand up, grow a spine and just CUT THE CORD!!! I mean my god, the poor sap of a husband still wants to be married, and instead of working on the marriage, all you can think about is wanting to contact the OM. Sorry, but your feelings of withdrawal are meaningless. You have been given a 2nd chance and you are proving you don't deserve one. maybe your husband will see it that way soon too. I keep telling myself what a scumbag he is, for talking to me online while his wife is pregnant with his child If he is a scumbag, then you need to put yourself in that same category. he is a scumbag for cheating on his wife in the first place, and since you cheated on your husband with him...well... but this is not helping me get over my feelings toward him... PLEASE HELP!!! Again, you are being given a 2nd chance. You should be going no contact and just deal with it. find things that you enjoy doing that doesn't keep you away from the house, because being away from the house for extended periods of time will only make your husband suspicious even if you aren't doing anything wrong while gone. Get a hobby, start watching movies at night with your husband. And yes, it is easier said than done when I say go NC and deal with it....but thats just too damn bad. Your husband is not kicking your sorry ass out of the house, that alone should give you a much needed kick in the ass.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Trialbyfire, where did I say that I'm giving my husband a deadline to get over my cheating? Go back and read my post. All I asked is how long does it usually take for the BS to CALM DOWN A BIT quite a few months....and even after "calming down a bit", the effects will last years. And after years he may be able to function normally again without having to think about what you did to him on a daily basis....but he will NEVER forget and will think about what you did from time to time. So its going to be a LONG and bumpy ride. Strap yourself in and wait it out as long as you need to. And if you aren't willing to whether the storm for a couple of years, then get a divorce and set your husband free from you.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Trialbyfire, do you really think that ending an affair and going NC is as easy as dressing yourself in the morning? I can imagine it isn't easy at all....but like I said, thats just too bad. You do it and deal with it. After reading some of your replies, I think my husband is so angry right now he can't think straight. And you are correct. I wasn't thinking straight at all when I found out. I was so angry I couldn't hardly function at work for about a month. Then when the fog lifted and I was able to think clearly, thats when I decided to get a divorce. I don't blame him, I'm taking full responsibility. And yes Owl, I think you're right and I think the reason he still wants to be married to me is because I confessed, I wasn't caught. Oh I'm sure there are some instances where the BS thinks they love their betrayer and wants to stay with them. But I think most of the time divorce isn't an option for most simply because of financial reasons, not wanting to break up their children's home, comfortable with the status quo...etc. Now I have a question, how long do you think should it take for my husband to calm down a bit so we can talk MC and rebuilding the marriage? Right now he's not talking to me and as I said before, I totally understand, yet I still want to work on my marriage. What good is starting to work on the marriage and expecting him to talk to you when you can't give up the OM completely? That is the first step. And yes, again, easier said than done....but too bad and I don't care. You just do it. Otherwise I wouldn't blame your husband for not talking to you UNTIL you are done with OM. The both of you need to work on this, but YOU need to take the first big step in getting rid of OM for good. Otherwise you are just pissing on any effort that might be made by your husband. You are already pissing on the 2nd chance he gave you. I'm giving him 6 months, is this reasonable? What do you mean you are "giving" him 6 months? You are in no position to demand or expect anything. What? If he doesn't just drop it in 6 months you'll leave him? If that is your attitude, then just leave him now, you'll be doing him a HUGE favor. Just imagine this, your husband cheats on you...goes out and pleasures himself with another woman. Then after confessing to you says, "you have 6 months to get over this or I'm leaving you", what would your response be to him? You think you'd break and give in to his demand? Ya right.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Trialbyfire, where did I say that I'm giving my husband a deadline to get over my cheating? "I'm giving him 6 months" Sounds like a deadline to me. Go back and read my post. All I asked is how long does it usually take for the BS to CALM DOWN A BIT No, you are giving him 6 months.
Author Miss Demeanor Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 You guys scare me I came here to ask for help and all I got, except for few posts, were personal attacks left and right. Believe me, I wasn't looking for sympathy, I don't deserve it but this, this is too much. I'm not giving my husband's a deadline, I only asked that question because I know there are some BS here and I wanted to know what to expect, so is 6 months a good time frame before I approach the subject of MC with him again, that's what I meant to say. yes I know we have a long and difficult journey ahead of us but I'm ready to do whatever it takes and whatever my husband asks me to do. His wishes are my commands and yes I do worship the ground he walks on and I'm beyond sorry and remorseful for what I did. One more thing, I asked H if he would like to contact OM's wife to tell her about the A like someone here suggested but he doesn't want to.
troubadour Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I do worship the ground he walks on and I'm beyond sorry and remorseful for what I did. Miss Demeanor... I wouldn't like to sound harsh but I have to admit that somehow I fail to understand tha above. I few weeks ago you were in a full blown EA of five years which you ended only because you accidentlly discovered that OM's wife just had a baby...? And today you claim that you worship the ground your husband walks on...? I just don't understand it. Maybe I am just getting old and my imagination is no longer what it used to be.
Recommended Posts