CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 ...Well, or date taken women, but saying "men and women" every other sentence could get unwieldy. I feel like my sister is commitment-phobic ever since her husband died. He died tragically, only 38 years old; he had colon cancer. He was at risk (he had colitis all his life) but had refused annual tests and she blames him in a way for "letting" himself get sick. Yep...seriously unresolved issues. She refuses to seek therapy to sort it all out and gets VERY angry at people who "try" to "make" her feel bad because "(T) is gone and he's not coming back, and why do I have to fit some stereotype of the sobbing widow?" She was 41 when my BIL died. She is now 43. She struck up a relationship, sort of, with a man who has been living with his SO for about 12-ish years now...so, AFAIK, common-law married. They own a house together; the whole bit. He cried to her all about how he NEVER sleeps with his SO (right!) and how he feels sorry for the SO (she is slightly older than he is--almost 60) because if he left her she'd "never find anyone else". He would sleep with my sister, then not call until he was h * rny again. Clear as day to ANYONE ON THE PLANET but apparently muddy to my genius-IQ sister...go figure! This went on for a year. Oh, God, it turned my stomach from the start! My sister always cries to me about how I'm her only friend, etc. We're long-distance because I and my family moved to the west coast four years ago. She calls and e-mails me frequently. I feel horrible that I'm the "only one she can talk to" about this but COME ON. Why should I have to listen to it? It literally makes me sick! And I told her so. Many times. I told her NOT to mention him to me. So she would sneak in comments about him, leading comments meant to make me ask questions. I refused to. She finally broke it off w/him after a full year. But now, 6 months later, he came over again last night and she "managed to fend him off...but I know eventually he'll wear me down". Meanwhile, she declined THREE match.com possibilities for the most IDIOTIC reasons ever. One because the guy lives in her home town, and what if it didn't work out and she had to be mean to a neighbor? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? But there's no "Oh, maybe I shouldn't keep sleeping with this person behind his poor SO's back and keep believing I'm his only f * ck buddy and keep thinking we WON'T swap STDS that eventually wind up in the SO's lap" or anything. Oh, no, that's all okay. But date someone from her home town? Noooooooo, how terrible! :rolleyes: I mean...Jesus H. Is she doing this deliberately? Is she doing it because she knows she can't "have" this guy? This man is almost 60 (she's in her early 40s), has brillo hair, a GRATING, hideous Paterson/Union/JC accent (any other Jersey girls or guys here know what I mean...hope nobody here is from JC and gets offended!), whines ALL the time, comes over and refuses to listen to her problems...he LEFT HER ALL ALONE after uterine surgery that might have been cancer because she couldn't sleep with him during the recovery, basically. In short: there is nothing physical, intellectual or emotional to love or even like about this man. I just sent her the harshest e-mail I ever have about the situation. I flat-out asked her whether she's deliberatly going after a man she can't have. I told her not to let him in the door...it's as easy as that. No "wearing down" possible if he can't get in the door. If he tries anyway, that's tresspassing. I would almost be tempted to anonymously tell his SO about all this so she can move on, but I don't know where he or she live and he's not listed (I checked). Help.......gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Can't find anybody else that you're compatible with. That's one reason why. Some women get lucky and find a SG who is willing to commit and marry and live happily ever after. Thats not every woman's story. Sometimes that's all you can get. Or the taken guy might be the only guy who was the most aggressive when pursuing you, sometimes they pursue you and put more effort into sweeping you off your feet than SGs.
bentnotbroken Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Lack of firm boundaries or no boundaries at all I would guess.
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 True...I should add, though, that my sister is knock-down, drag-out gorgeous. She is seriously beautiful. She looks like a teenager. Her body is gasp-worthy (bit of jealousy saying that, LOL). She has been approached and asked for dates so many times in the past two years since her husband died that it's absolutely ridiculous. But there's "something wrong" with every single one of those guys. Yet there's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone who's as good as married? I feel like there's something else going on here.
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Having been in pain over a previous loss of SO, she might wish to take out emotional 'insurance' on not being unexpectedly hurt over being deserted again (by death, or end of R), by signing on for a 'sort -of,' part-time, R with a MM; she thus knows from the outset that its not going anywhere, and feels 'safe' in that knowledge.
Billie63 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I think Athena makes a very good point. For her maybe it's better the devil she knows? I also think you could be a bit more tolerant with your sister. If you're the only person she can speak to about this, then let her talk instead of taking the moral high ground. You don't have to like what she's doing, but she has been thru a lot and you need to show more solidarity towards her.
littleflowerpot Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Well, CaliforniaGirl. I'm also a California girl and while I can't speak for your sister I can only tell you why I was in a relationship with a man who had a long-time SO. I wasn't looking for a man already committed. It was never something I sought out. While I'm not condoning or excusing our affair I can tell you that I became his friend and fell into an emotional and physical attraction to him. We crossed the line during a period of intense stress and a tragic situation. Again, no excuse. But I fell for him just as I would have if he'd been single. In short, I never "wanted to date taken men." That isn't to say that your sister didn't have an entirely different reason for how she got herself into her situation.
blueintheface Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I also think you could be a bit more tolerant with your sister. If you're the only person she can speak to about this, then let her talk instead of taking the moral high ground. You don't have to like what she's doing, but she has been thru a lot and you need to show more solidarity towards her. i put up with my friend whinging for 5 hrs straight about her SO, 3 main phrases (how much she does for him, he's such a @#$!, but can't leave because she loves him), she seriously wanted to hear herself talk i think. sometimes it's not about moral high ground. sometimes you just don't want to listen to the same conversation over & over & over ....
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