Sam Spade Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Well you are over 30 and single not married yet, should women stay away from you since you must be plagued with emotional baggage and significant emotional issues? You are not hopeless but it must take a lot of energy and resolve to deal with your core emotional issues. Well, the woman I was pretty sure I'd marry after 5 year relationship dumped me for no justifiable reason at all. So, if it was up to me alone, I was out of the dating pool at the age of 26. So, now at 32, though this was not something I wanted, I'm dating a great 29 year old with no baggage, while my ex already demonstrates the said feelings of desperation...
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 What I do NOT understand is why the same women who are complaining about the ticking clock have all been in long term relationships that didn't work out or dated *******s, and then suddenly wake up at 31 freaked out. Now you blame women for being in long term relationships that didn't work out? Anything else you would like to blame women over 30 for? Cancer? NY Islander elimination? Hangovers? Famine in Ethiopia? Go on the list is endless. So only relationships with asssholes don't work out? Normal relationships between two people that runs its course is not an option?
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Well, the woman I was pretty sure I'd marry after 5 year relationship dumped me for no justifiable reason at all. But you didn't answer my question, you being single and over 30 must be lugging a truck load of emotional baggage. For the fact alone that you were dumped out of the blue when you were in love, that in itself should set you back a good few years of emotional wear and tear and undealt issues. What woman wants to deal with that. Really?
Sam Spade Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Now you blame women for being in long term relationships that didn't work out? Anything else you would like to blame women over 30 for? Cancer? NY Islander elimination? Hangovers? Famine in Ethiopia? Go on the list is endless. So only relationships with asssholes don't work out? Normal relationships between two people that runs its course is not an option? Yes. Relationship can run its course (what does this even mean?!??) when one of the sides decide they don't want to deal with it, Sex and the City style. All else equal, I'd prefer to see some explanation of how come nothing worked by the age of 30, and some explanations are marginally better than others. "He turned to be an azzhole" is much better per my value system than "well, I was just having fun (but now I have the marriage itch and I'm ready)".
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Yes. Relationship can run its course (what does this even mean?!??) when one of the sides decide they don't want to deal with it, Sex and the City style. All else equal, I'd prefer to see some explanation of how come nothing worked by the age of 30, and some explanations are marginally better than others. "He turned to be an azzhole" is much better per my value system than "well, I was just having fun (but now I have the marriage itch and I'm ready)". Stop changing the subject Sam. What is wrong with you that at 31/32 (how old are you again?) you are still single and never married?
Sam Spade Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 But you didn't answer my question, you being single and over 30 must be lugging a truck load of emotional baggage. For the fact alone that you were dumped out of the blue when you were in love, that in itself should set you back a good few years of emotional wear and tear and undealt issues. What woman wants to deal with that. Really? Sure, the the major difference is between emotional baggage you're aware you're caring and one that you'de unaware of. So if i'm aware of and deal with my baggage, this also means that nobody unduly has to suffer because of it and deal with it for me. While this thing really shatered me, it also forced me to be more introspective and explicit in my thinking about relationships. I haven't figured it all out, but at least I'm careful not to do anything stupid towards me or towards her. I bet my girlfriend would prefer to date me in this condition vs. if I was just burning through relationships until I got tired of them and then at 32 just wanted to "settle" with her.
moman Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Now you blame women for being in long term relationships that didn't work out? Anything else you would like to blame women over 30 for? Cancer? NY Islander elimination? Hangovers? Famine in Ethiopia? Go on the list is endless. So only relationships with asssholes don't work out? Normal relationships between two people that runs its course is not an option? No, you misread my post. What I do not understand is the women who feel a deadline to get married (maybe by 30th bday?) and then date a**holes who don't want a real relationship, and spend years trying to make it work, only to wake up at 30 and upset that it failed. I know that some of us, both men and women, make relationship assumptions that it will work out but sometimes it just doesn't, and if it doesn't after that certain age (30) it is not the end of the world. I'm thinking of some women I know who date alcoholics/abusers, players, and guys who just aren't interested thinking they will change them. Let me tell you about a story of a good friend of mine, she is 36 now, very pretty, smart, funny, great body. Dated a guy from 27-32, and broke up with him when he didn't propose on her 32nd bday. She's been through a string of non-commital sport-fuc*ks relationships, dates guys who treat her like garbage, and I still get calls from her crying that she can't meet a nice guy. Meanwhile, I set her up with one of my friends who is smart, funny, interested in her, successful, and willing to settle down but she says she wants something else. Okay, that is her right. Anyways, the bottom line is she has no one to blame for being single but herself.
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Sure, the the major difference is between emotional baggage you're aware you're caring and one that you'de unaware of. So if i'm aware of and deal with my baggage, this also means that nobody unduly has to suffer because of it and deal with it for me. While this thing really shatered me, it also forced me to be more introspective and explicit in my thinking about relationships. I haven't figured it all out, but at least I'm careful not to do anything stupid towards me or towards her. Oh I see what you are saying... basically what you are trying to sell me on is that Sam Spade can learn from his past and grow as an individual and become a better person in his 30's putting his baggage to rest and he can embark in a better version of what he might have had given what he learned from his failed relationships? Is that what you are trying to tell us here Sam? Because if that is what you are trying to tell us then it should come to NO surprise to you that a woman in the EXACT same shoes as you is capable of the EXACT same metamorphosis you seem to going through and describe as something positive and with promise for a better future outcome. Surely you would not be so hypocritical to think that only YOU, Sam Spade, is capable of this type of change and adjustment and that no woman has the same capabilities as you have? Because in essence that is what you keep trying to tell us when you bash women the EXACT same age as you who are doing the exact same thing you are doing.
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 No, you misread my post. What I do not understand is the women who feel a deadline to get married (maybe by 30th bday?) and then date a**holes who don't want a real relationship, and spend years trying to make it work, only to wake up at 30 and upset that it failed. I know that some of us, both men and women, make relationship assumptions that it will work out but sometimes it just doesn't, and if it doesn't after that certain age (30) it is not the end of the world. I'm thinking of some women I know who date alcoholics/abusers, players, and guys who just aren't interested thinking they will change them. Let me tell you about a story of a good friend of mine, she is 36 now, very pretty, smart, funny, great body. Dated a guy from 27-32, and broke up with him when he didn't propose on her 32nd bday. She's been through a string of non-committal sport-fuc*ks relationships, dates guys who treat her like garbage, and I still get calls from her crying that she can't meet a nice guy. Meanwhile, I set her up with one of my friends who is smart, funny, interested in her, successful, and willing to settle down but she says she wants something else. Okay, that is her right. Anyways, the bottom line is she has no one to blame for being single but herself. Ok thank you for explaining that it did seem like you meant something else. Moman there are all kinds of reasons why relationships fail and people are picky about staying single or finding partners, just as there are all sorts of reasons why more than half the people who were married in the past two decades are now divorced and back to square one again. Relationships fail, plain and simple. NO ONE is exempt from that, and while some people are better than others at making a relationship work or keeping themselves entertained long enough to forget that they are in a dead end terrible and unsatisfying marriage, the reality is no one relationship is perfect nor is the idea that a person who is in a relationship is the tell all sign that they are successful as human beings. I look at a lot of married couples that could have done so much better for themselves, they know it, they admit it, they are going through the motions but proving to the world they were worthy of love was more important than waiting for the love of someone who truly is perfect for them. But NONE of those reasons are good enough reasons to settle for a life of companionship with someone that just doesn't cut it for us. In the case of your friend she would probably rather stay single than settle for what other people think is best for her, unless she finds what the type of man that makes her tick. She will find her mate eventually, everyone does. But if she chooses to stay single it is her choice and there is no shame in that either. Why so many people equate being single to being shamed is beyond me? That to me denotes the utmost sign of low self esteem.
Sam Spade Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Oh I see what you are saying... basically what you are trying to sell me on is that Sam Spade can learn from his past and grow as an individual and become a better person in his 30's putting his baggage to rest and he can embark in a better version of what he might have had given what he learned from his failed relationships? Is that what you are trying to tell us here Sam? Because if that is what you are trying to tell us then it should come to NO surprise to you that a woman in the EXACT same shoes as you is capable of the EXACT same metamorphosis you seem to going through and describe as something positive and with promise for a better future outcome. Surely you would not be so hypocritical to think that only YOU, Sam Spade, is capable of this type of change and adjustment and that no woman has the same capabilities as you have? Because in essence that is what you keep trying to tell us when you bash women the EXACT same age as you who are doing the exact same thing you are doing. Nah, I'm saying what moman is saying --> I've seen more women than men mindlesly burn through their 20s, so I try to avoid that type of character, that's all. Actually, I'd be okay even with that type of character, if it wasn't for the sudden change of heart that occurs in their 30s - that's hypocritical, if you ask me... Of course anybody - man or a woman - can end up unlucky in relationships, and everybody can and should learn from that . But, there is still the important issue whether it is something you keep doing to yourself, or was it because of something beyond your control... this applies both to men and women. But, you'd have to agree that young women have more free passes than young men, hence the likelihood of forced introspection is smaller until a later age. that's not woman bashing, that's basic economics.
pollywag Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Nah, I'm saying what moman is saying --> I've seen more women than men mindlesly burn through their 20s, so I try to avoid that type of character, that's all. Actually, I'd be okay even with that type of character, if it wasn't for the sudden change of heart that occurs in their 30s - that's hypocritical, if you ask me... . Well you are going to see what you want to see, Just as we are going to see what we want to see. Am I the only one that sees a man that is blaming women for doing the EXACT same thing he excuses himself of doing? You are no different than the women you claim wasted time in their twenties and are now too little too late to make up for the lost time. So what is it Sam can you leave your baggage behind and have new opportunities in different phases in life, or can you not? You can't have it both ways, if you are living proof that it is possible then it is definitely possible for women your age to be going through the exact same thing you are. Think about that next time you go to put down a woman who is the spitting image of you.
moman Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Nah, I'm saying what moman is saying --> I've seen more women than men mindlesly burn through their 20s, so I try to avoid that type of character, that's all. Actually, I'd be okay even with that type of character, if it wasn't for the sudden change of heart that occurs in their 30s - that's hypocritical, if you ask me... Of course anybody - man or a woman - can end up unlucky in relationships, and everybody can and should learn from that . But, there is still the important issue whether it is something you keep doing to yourself, or was it because of something beyond your control... this applies both to men and women. But, you'd have to agree that young women have more free passes than young men, hence the likelihood of forced introspection is smaller until a later age. that's not woman bashing, that's basic economics. Yes, agreed. My point is that ALL the women I know personally over 30+ who have indicated to me they are desperate to marry, continue to date as&holes and get sport-fu&ked and make poor decisions regarding relationships, but wouldn't know a nice guy if one hit them in the face. I dated a girl for a year who was 34 (i was 29). She was beautiful and smart but bitter about not being married and having a family, and we had a great time together. We discussed marriage and kids, and she was ecstatic about the whole thing. Then her ex, a 40 year old guy who had been sport-fu&king her for 10 years and promising marriage for 9 of them, called her, and she became confused again. We had to break up, and a few months later she called me crying saying she made a mistake, doesn't understand how she got to that point, she's 34, single, childless, and now that guy doesn't want her anymore. I told her it was too late for us, but I wished her the best and we're still on cordial terms.
RecordProducer Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I read some of the posts in this thread. A couple of mean, insecure, ugly small dicks trying to insult women - nothing new. Actually, the question (paraphrased) was: I am starting to feel desperate - should I settle? The answer is: unanimously NO. What is the age limit for women to have babies is a scientific question. It has nothing to do with what men think about women age 30+. That is completely irrelevant both to the subject of this thread and to maternity. A woman doesn't need a man to accept her age in order to become a mother. In that respect, women are truly lucky, since nobody's approval is required once a woman decides to have a child. BEG, you still don't have to worry about age, motherhood, and settling down. When you feel like you got old enough to worry about it - start worrying. Until then, have faith that your true love will appear and don't base your conclusions on the worst-case scenarios. Women get married at any age; women get pregnant in their 40's; women with children get married and re-married. The statistics are actually in your favor. You only need one man, BEG. And that one man will love you no matter what. You don't need a man who discriminates against age. This very man will consider you too old when you're 45 and he will forget that he is 50. You need a man like Carhil who is looking for a woman his age. There are many men like that. In fact, all good men are like that. It's true that there are fewer available men after age 30 or 40, but I would never marry in my 20's again, if I would go back to that age. You're not ready to marry at that age nor do you know what you want. Finally, marriage doesn't bring happiness per se. Only if you have met the right person will you be happy. Nowadays, the mentality is such that you can have a child without being married, so you have nothing to worry about. If you don't find your soul mate within, let's say, 5-8 years, you can have a child and then you will see that you won't even need a man as much. You will take the pressure of starting a family off. I've been married twice (I am 34) and I don't want to re-marry unless I meet the right man for me. I already have kids, so it's only about love. Marriage can inhibit you in so many ways, that I feel I am lucky to have kids and not worry about men at this point. Being a single mother is beautiful, because you get to focus on your kids and enjoy your motherhood to the fullest, without the misery that marriage brings, and without wasting precious time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. I am telling you this, because I want you to understand that your desire to be a mother has nothing to do with meeting the right man and getting married. You will become a mother when you realize that it's the right time for it and you will get married when you meet Mr. Right. No settling for less and making BEG miserable. You will only end up divorced with kids like 50% of women in the US. And even if you end up like that - that's fine. It's all life. I settled for less (unconsciously) when I was 23 because I was desperate. I ended up divorced with two kids and it was still the best-case scenario. I re-married and split with my second husband too and it's still the best-case scenario. I know you think that this is not how you want to end up, but trust me, when I see married women, I am thinking: this is not how I want to end up.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this. I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do. Look harder. I am pretty sure you are being lazy in searching for a partner. You admitted on another thread to spending the last year or two lusting after your married boss, imagine if you had spent all that time looking for an available quality guy? My advise therefore is i) don't settle ii) make much more effort looking. You are only 30 you have years left before you become barren, so don't freak out about it. Remember if you get pregnant by an unsuitable guy, you are much less likely to attract your ideal man if he comes along, since single mothers are much less desireable than single women without kids.
clv0116 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Being a single mother is beautiful, because you get to focus on your kids and enjoy your motherhood to the fullest, without the misery that marriage brings, and without wasting precious time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. BlueEyes, I'd take that advice with about 50 pounds of salt, unless you also want to be a bitter single mom. For people who say "don't settle", well that's sort of good advice and sort of not. Fact is, no one is perfect and if you're waiting for some idealized person you'll never find him. For me, an LTR is all about settling, finding someone you can love and cherish deeply in spite of their imperfections and who will do that same for you. Someone you can commit to for the long haul knowing that they fall short in some ways but also knowing that overall you can enrich each other greatly.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Why is it that you want to discourage every woman on here at her personal ideas and attutide to finding love? You have yours. Stop trying to manage every female's personal ideas and thoughts.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Well either you want to settle down or you don't. Don't be a 40 year old club ho though. I know one and she doesn't do **** for her kids, just leaves them at home while she gets ran through at the club.
bean1 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Well either you want to settle down or you don't. Don't be a 40 year old club ho though. I know one and she doesn't do **** for her kids, just leaves them at home while she gets ran through at the club. You sure love talking about club hos. Most of us are older than 20 and haven't stepped in a club in years. There's no need to warn us "old women" (ie. over 22) about this. We simply don't care about clubs. You'll understand when you grow up.
CommitmentPhobe Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Someone you can commit to for the long haul knowing that they fall short in some ways but also knowing that overall you can enrich each other greatly. What a way to describe your future partner!
mr.dream merchant Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 The OP shouldn't be all "woe is me" about being 30 and single when she doesn't want to settle down anyways. Is she looking forward to being a single mother? I know plenty and they're a trainwreck times twenty. Yeah, I should've left the club part out. Don't be a single mother who can't get her priorities in check because she's thinking with her clit, settle or not.
clv0116 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 What a way to describe your future partner! Yes, it's realistically optimistic. If you want to live in a dream world where we have to find the perfect someone and everything after that is unicorns, lollipops and sprinkled with fairy dust well, go for it but I think the tendency to view things like marriage more realistically is one thing that makes normal men less eager to get married and less likely to end it later.
Isolde Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Yes, it's realistically optimistic. If you want to live in a dream world where we have to find the perfect someone and everything after that is unicorns, lollipops and sprinkled with fairy dust well, go for it but I think the tendency to view things like marriage more realistically is one thing that makes normal men less eager to get married and less likely to end it later. LOL falling short meaning cellulite? In all seriousness, I think you're right, in that settling for less than perfection is part of being human. Hell, we all settle for ourselves. If I had my way, I would have a lot more energy, more patience, and more nonverbal intelligence. But I have to settle for what I have. But when people talk about settling in a relationship, they mean settling with someone that you don't feel comfortable with or who doesn't match you well. It's a whole different concept, one that each individual has to delineate for him/herself.
CommitmentPhobe Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Yes, it's realistically optimistic. If you want to live in a dream world where we have to find the perfect someone and everything after that is unicorns, lollipops and sprinkled with fairy dust well, go for it but I think the tendency to view things like marriage more realistically is one thing that makes normal men less eager to get married and less likely to end it later. Oh dear. You see, I didn't say anything about unicorns, lollipops and sprinkled with fairy dust. It is you that appears to have an attainable standard that can't be reached Someone you can commit to for the long haul knowing that they fall short in some waysFall short of what exactly clv? A standard that you've set that cant be reached? I wouldn't even describe an ex like that, let alone a lover.
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