pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I had the concern. I am 33 now, but was 31 when we broke up. There was more to it than just that, but I don't want to get into the other things here. Well if you didn't really try what are you talking about then? Sounds like you just didn't want to be with her and used that as an excuse to split from her. You didn't even try to have children so what's the problem here?
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I had the concern. I am 33 now, but was 31 when we broke up.You know I'm going to ask you why it became a concern v. should have always been a concern with your age spread. Look, I'm not trying to encourage younger men to date older women. Where I stand is that women in their 30's and older aren't the useless pieces of breeding crap that some of you guys make it sound. If you believe that a 39 year old woman isn't capable of having a healthy baby, that's pure drivel. While this maybe your belief and concern, I still question if that's solely the only reason or the excuse you used to walk away. Dig deep and answer me honestly, that your concern about her fertility is the sole reason of what caused the cessation of your relationship.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 No, we weren't married and didn't try to have children, but it was an issue. What was the issue that she wanted to have a kid right away and you didn't? Why were you with a woman 8yrs older than you if you couldn't commit to her in that way?
Chicago_Guy Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 What was the issue that she wanted to have a kid right away and you didn't? Why were you with a woman 8yrs older than you if you couldn't commit to her in that way? She really wanted to go out with me and I told this might be a problem from the start. She wanted me to give it a chance and I tried, but I just couldn't go through with it. Believe me, I won't put myself in this situation again.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She really wanted to go out with me and I told this might be a problem from the start. She wanted me to give it a chance and I tried, but I just couldn't go through with it. Believe me, I won't put myself in this situation again. So a smoking hot woman begs you to keep dating her so you gave her a chance...prewarned her that her eggs were too old...then finally broke up with her due to fertility concerns... Let me guess. She also had high self-esteem too!
Chicago_Guy Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 So a smoking hot woman begs you to keep dating her so you gave her a chance...prewarned her that her eggs were too old...then finally broke up with her due to fertility concerns... Let me guess. She also had high self-esteem too! No, she ended it because I didn't propose.
pollywag Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She really wanted to go out with me and I told this might be a problem from the start. She wanted me to give it a chance and I tried, but I just couldn't go through with it. Believe me, I won't put myself in this situation again. Ok great so she held a gun to your head you, being the poor defenseless doe that you are, felt trapped and went out with her anyway. Fine, you were coaxed into being with her. You live you learn. Let's chalk it up to experience you are allowed to make mistakes I don't have an issue with that. NOW...to take that experience and make it out like women in their 30's have their days numbered and are infertile and put out deformed babies is a REAL stretch of an ideology to carry given the hangup is within you and not based on any realistic experience you've had. You never tried to make babies, you never wanted to make babies with her, you didn't even want a relationship with her. The problem is WITH YOU not with her. You had the hang-ups, it was not her age or infertility that prevented you from having a great love affair and babies as a product of that deep love it was your lack of willingness to be with her, so why even go out with her to begin with? Thank you for backing my observations. It's what I have been saying all along, men like you have the issue and try to spin this around on women. It was not her who had the problem it was YOU. Can you at least admit to that? I don't know how you cannot see that. It is such a stretch for you to come on here and peg all women in their 30's as useless clocks ticking away. Now if you had actually left the woman because you tried for a few years to get her pregnant and it didn't happen then you might have leg to stand on.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 The divorced part I believe and understand. The breeding part is just weird and sounds more like a way for aging men to justify dating younger women, for reasons beyond the superficial, where it's solely superficial or a way to avoid commitment. I'm of the belief that anyone can reject anyone for any reason they want but there's no reason under the sun to inflict their bizarre justifications, at the expense of women like BEG and trash on the entire thirties and older women. Just admit that you find the younger ones attractive by personal preference and move on. I've met plenty of men who are dating younger women but they're open about why they're doing it. Just requoting and bolded a section in my previous post, Chicago Guy!
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I am more worried about you actually. I bet your ex is fine. Every chance you get you make it a point to bring your "concern" for her into any discussion on this board. Let's face is Sam Spade, you have it so bad for your ex it would absolutely kill you to know she moved on. I've told you this before and I'll tell you again, prepare yourself for the worst because you will get word sooner or later that she has moved on and you won't be able to handle it when it does happen. She will move on and she will be just fine, we all do and you need to accept that. I know where you're coming from, but you have incomplete information - we're talking about major emotional issues requiring some extent of professional help here, certainly not her age . (She's hotter than most 20 somethings...)
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well there is no accounting for the number of ignorant men out there because women in their mid to late 30's are conceiving perfectly normal beautiful healthy children. PLUS you have no clue what all men think we are women I think we would know from experience if this were true, and age is not a factor when we find love. TRUST me! If you remove any uncertainty in the dating and getting to know each other process - sure. I would not have much hesitation marrying even a woman who is slightly older than me right now, if it was clear right now, beyond any reasonable doubt that we'll make it all right. But, since it almost never works this way - these things do take time, I'd prefer to have some margin of error. I see amazing women in their 30's all the time but given what a hassle and trial and error the whole dating hooplah is timing may become an issue eventually - the cohort of 30y/olds does not stay 30 year old forever... Look, there are multiple definitions of and pathways to success in relationships. For me it is a modernized version of the 50's style marriage ("Revolutionary road" can eat it). I'm sure I'll be jealous of some aspects of the life of people who have chosen different paths, as well as they will be jealous of some aspects of my life. As long as we understand that we can't have it all, there's no need to turn every such thread into an armwrestling match to see whose's idea of relationships is 'the real deal'.
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I know where you're coming from, but you have incomplete information - we're talking about major emotional issues requiring some extent of professional help here, certainly not her age . (She's hotter than most 20 somethings...) But, "age" () exacerbates these issues, resulting in feelings of 'desperation' described by the OP. Most of these "issues" are in their heads, but if you act accordingly, it is easy to see how you can make a bad decision. I feel bad anybody who falls into this mindset, not just my ex , because it requires consistent effort to get out of it. Positive thinking is just the first step...
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I sometimes wonder what kind of environments you guys live in. I really, really wonder why your world is so different than my world, especially since I date and interact with these guys! Fair enough - I'm in a moderately big city in the South, definitely somewhat traditional and family oriented, thoigh not in the worst of the worst stereotypical way. But, before settling here I've moved a lot, on both sides of the Atlantic, have lived in some of the biggest cities there are, and my value system regarding relaitonships has been pretty constant since my late 20s. My current environment merely reinforces it, but it was there even when I was living in one of the top 3 northeastern cities, or growing up in an European capital. If I had stayed there, it would only muddle it, but I doubt I'd be feeling much differently... Bigger dynamic city certainly provides you with other distractions that make it easy (of forces you) to neglect or ignore the issue of starting a family. PS Another problem of the 30+ women where I live is that many of them have had children already .
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hold on a minute! Something suddenly occurred to me. I'm betting most of you thirty-something guys have never been married before or had any serious long-term relationship over 7 years long. Am I right? Well, you can eat it on this one - I have not been married, but have had 2 ltrs - 7 and 5 years respectively. (Which, at 32, leaves me just enough time for a couple of ONSs and hookers in between )
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 If you believe that a 39 year old woman isn't capable of having a healthy baby, that's pure drivel. Nobody honestly believes that. Just the overall probability for doing so steadily, if slowly, begins to decrease. When you're already with somebody you love it won't matter that much because you'd think it is worth the risk. And even when everything in the relationship is going well, there are still plenty of issues that come in between and could make it an issue eventually: for example, one, or both of the partners could be in grad school, have demanding careers that need to be settled, could be temporary physically separated in LTR etc. - things that could further complicate things. So, the more uncertainty is introduced, the bigger an issue the age will become and if having a traditional family is important to you, this could dissolve the relationship eventually. So, armchair psychoanalysis is not that easy as you're trying to make it to seem . Alternatively, if you start dating from scratch, age's just one more variable to consider when narrowing down a pool of strangers in the process of finding someone you'd like to believe has a long term potential. Not the most important one, but not a negligible one too... If I'm not succesfull in my current relationship, I expect to see a discrete, rather than continous change in my age preferences - my prefered target group would be late 26 - 33 up until the point I approach 40 and beyond, at which point it would only make sense to concentrate on the 30-40 group... I don't believe that getting with someone more than 10 years younger than you is a good idea although I have seen some success stories.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Count yourself lucky this happened later in life, some of us have been desperate since we were 16! [/FONT][/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR] There is alot of scientific information on the quality of men's sperm as they age and the affect they have on their children as they age. There has been more information done on women but I suspect they will find even more evidence of the affects of aging in men on their children. Personally I think it's silly to understand the concept that it takes a man and woman to contribute to a baby but somehow only an older woman has the potential to affect a baby negativly without honestly addressing the way an older man's body and sperm quality factor into it. Men age. Men experience ED or are less driven by their sexual nature as they age and those are just two small signs why nature wants older men to slow down.
clv0116 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I also know guys in their 30s who wouldn't want to marry a woman who has been divorced. Somehow, I suspect you don't believe me about that either, but it is true... Raises hand. I also won't consider a single mom.
clv0116 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 If you believe that a 39 year old woman isn't capable of having a healthy baby, that's pure drivel. If you believe a 39 year old man can't run a 4 minute mile, that's pure drivel.
clv0116 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 As long as we understand that we can't have it all, there's no need to turn every such thread into an armwrestling match to see whose's idea of relationships is 'the real deal'. Ah, but you see, if we date and commit to a younger woman we are shallow and we are committing to a woman who is not only 'only after one thing' but also 'only good for one thing'. That is the difference. Only by entering the most holy of holy, the age of 3 or better, 4 decades, can a woman become good for more than 'one thing'. Hope I helped you understand, foolish little man.
clv0116 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hold on a minute! Something suddenly occurred to me. I'm betting most of you thirty-something guys have never been married before or had any serious long-term relationship over 7 years long. Am I right? Wrong. Sorry. Do I get a bunny? Or was I too old to play?
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 If you believe a 39 year old man can't run a 4 minute mile, that's pure drivel. What has that got to do with the price of rice in China? I'm not on LS to hammer away at 39 year old men using alternate realities, while in denial that I'm in my thirties or forties...
kate100 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You definitely shouldn't settle! It's a numbers game - the more people you meet, the better your chances. I became single the week after my 30th birthday after 5 years! I'm 32 later this year and have had a fantastic time since becoming single but used online dating to get as many dates as I wanted - met generally good people. This is seriously the way to do it, rather than going out to bars and hoping you might meet someone single who likes you too. I've used a few sites, but clicktonight.com is the main one. I've now met someone who I'm going to stick with, but I'm pretty sure I wouldnt have if I hadnt gone online. Good luck!
Stockalone Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Look, I'm not trying to encourage younger men to date older women. Where I stand is that women in their 30's and older aren't the useless pieces of breeding crap that some of you guys make it sound. If you believe that a 39 year old woman isn't capable of having a healthy baby, that's pure drivel. Women are of course able to conceive and have healthy babies at that age, but I wouldn't date a woman in her late 30's or early 40's. At least not now, I usually get along better with women that are closer to my own age (30). When I get to that age myself, I would probably reconsider, but I am also not sure if I would want to be a first time parent in my 40's. And yes, I would be concerned about decreased fertility and risks involved with a pregnancy at that age, and it's not like my sperm isn't affected by aging. My aunt and uncle were unsuccessful and doctors told them that it can somtimes take over a year to conceive when you are over 35 or close to 40 (I don't remember which one was it). They had no luck and after fertility treatment and in vitro, they ended up with miscarriages. Obviously, getting pregnant may never be in the cards regardless of age, but the odds certainly don't get better the older we get.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Women are of course able to conceive and have healthy babies at that age, but I wouldn't date a woman in her late 30's or early 40's. At least not now, I usually get along better with women that are closer to my own age (30). When I get to that age myself, I would probably reconsider, but I am also not sure if I would want to be a first time parent in my 40's. And yes, I would be concerned about decreased fertility and risks involved with a pregnancy at that age, and it's not like my sperm isn't affected by aging. My aunt and uncle were unsuccessful and doctors told them that it can somtimes take over a year to conceive when you are over 35 or close to 40 (I don't remember which one was it). They had no luck and after fertility treatment and in vitro, they ended up with miscarriages. Obviously, getting pregnant may never be in the cards regardless of age, but the odds certainly don't get better the older we get. Stock, you're not the kind of guy who deliberately runs around telling women 35 and over, even 30 and older, that they're incapable of breeding, thus have no further use. Also, you're not even close to 39 years old. If you were a late thirties, forty-something year old man and said this, I would be seriously concerned about where your head was, especially if you were in denial that your own biological aging process, didn't impact on reproduction. For all you men that believe you can breed forever, your sperm and functional abilities starts to deteriorate at age 30. With this in mind, why wouldn't older women pick younger men to reproduce with? It's the attitude inherent in someone who has been hurt by someone in their thirties, therefore, brush the entire gender or portion of it, with the same broad brushstrokes. It's silly.
clv0116 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 What has that got to do with the price of rice in China? Simply pointing out that something being possible does not make it likely. A 39 year old woman is vastly more likely to conceive a child with issues than a younger woman. It's not a death sentence and some people have ways of partially attenuating the odds but it is what it is.
Sam Spade Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 There are many fun things to do in one's 30s (not just dating-wise), and I myself sometimes question myself do I really want to forgo them in order to start a family. And the answer is usually "Yes", because a family is a very long term project. Once I'm 40, i might get a much stronger desire than i have now (though I'm already ahead of some guys my age, it seems) for a family, but would not be surprised that it becomes so much harder, on multiple fronts. I certainly disagree that starting a family by the time you're 35 is the only approved way to go (in spite of the fact that this still remains the socially approved scenario ) I am the first one to be disgusted by the smugness of married vegetables who thing they've made it just because they procreated by the age of 30. There are so many other things we can do with our lives... The problems occur only if we try to do them all at once and then get frustrated that it's probably not possible. Like with anything else in life - you decide what you want, and then what are you willing to pay for it...
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