Since turning 30 I have gotten desparate

[SpanksTheMonkey]

stop telling men you're 30. if you don't look it than what is the problem. they won't even know the difference

Well starting off with a lie prob isn't the best way to find your soul mate id think.. Moving on I found for myself just the opposite I'm more relaxed/wiser now in my 30s in that way I'm 31 then I ever was in my 20s.

 

If you give in and settle you know you wont be happy and it more then likely wont work out in the long run so theres even more time waisted just think about it like that maybe..

[BoredPerson]

To be honest you probably have missed some opportunities. With that being said the same does apply to a man your age as many women will have already married.

 

The men that were interested in you in their 20's probably won't be anymore and will be after women an age category below them. I am guessing a 30 year old will be chasing anything from 23 and over.

 

In that regard, if the man prefers younger women (which is likely) you are at a disadvantage.

 

You have two options; (1) Accept whatever man you can find around your own age. (2) Go an age group up and aim for men in their late 30's or early to mid 40's.

 

Especially successful men will want young women.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

To be honest you probably have missed some opportunities. With that being said the same does apply to a man your age as many women will have already married.

 

The men that were interested in you in their 20's probably won't be anymore and will be after women an age category below them. I am guessing a 30 year old will be chasing anything from 23 and over.

 

In that regard, if the man prefers younger women (which is likely) you are at a disadvantage.

 

You have two options; (1) Accept whatever man you can find around your own age. (2) Go an age group up and aim for men in their late 30's or early to mid 40's.

 

Especially successful men will want young women.

I disagree I think mature minded men want the same in a partner/wife and thats hard to find in much younger women 95% of the time.

 

Sure they may bed them for kicks great but when it comes time to think of children and a family/lasting relationship then they look for women in their 30s JMO...

[Jersey Shortie]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted to bed younger women for "kicks" and then think he deserved to settle down with the quality woman I am. His lose. And actually, I would advise any woman the same because that tells alot about the quality of a man.a

 

With that said, there is an awful lot of judgment on women going on that some of the same men that are making these judgements fail to judge themselves to the same standard. If you are a man that hit 30 before he could get it togther, to now judge women your age for the same mistakes is 100% hypocritcal. If you are a man claiming that women are so bittere after 30, yet fail to see their own bitterness, you really need to re-evauluate yourself. I see the same men make comments and judging and critizing women for things they themselves aren't. It's ironic.

 

30 isn't even old, most of the time I can't tell a 25 year old from a 35 year old anyway. And if we are realistic, men's sperm as they hit 30 is not a potent as it once was.

 

OP, I don't understand why you feel so desperate but don't let some of the men of LS make you feel that way. Some of these men are very hurt and bitter and not really giving advice that is logical and sound. You can tell alot of their advice is from a place of bitterness and hurt.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted to bed younger women for "kicks" and then think he deserved to settle down with the quality woman I am. His lose. And actually, I would advise any woman the same because that tells alot about the quality of a man.a

 

.

Really you think? I don't I think its human nature to want sex and desire attractive mates maybe I should have said for "fun" instead of kicks granted that makes it sound sleazy.

 

Why do we deny our sexuality so much in this day and age if a man wants to sleep with a younger women for fun and she agrees it makes him no less of a man.

 

What if the shoe were on the other foot and a women had a fling I have the sex was amazing but I knew there was really no future so dose that mean I don't some day deserve a good quality husband?

 

Now this is different to a guy or a girl sleeping with hundreds of partners don't get me wrong thats not what I'm trying to say.

[Jersey Shortie]

Deny our sexuality?? I don't think anyone is denying their sexuality in this day and age. It seems like people are running rampet with it.

 

 

 

Why do we deny our sexuality so much in this day and age if a man wants to sleep with a younger women for fun and she agrees it makes him no less of a man.

 

Nope, it doesn't make him less of a man but it doens't make him more of a man either. Either way, I would stay away from these type of men. I just don't find that they are about respecting women.

[northstar1]

IMO it really depends on the emotional maturity of the person. If the person knows what they want, and isn't flaky or indecisive, then it can work, even if they are younger. I've dated girls in their mid 20's, and while it can be a lot of fun for the most part (and yes, there are exceptions) they don't know what they want. So if you are looking for a long term relationship, most of the time it's not going to pan out. IT seems by their late 20's most of them have figured out what they want.

 

Kinda depends what you are looking for. If you are looking to date casually and just go out, great, but if you are looking for something long term, chances are many won't be on the same page

[rod_in_gtown]

I have to echo the majority that says that it's about the mental maturity and emotional stability, I met a woman in her upper mid 40s earlier this year and we had a lot of chemistry, I was interested in getting to know her more to see if there was more and found out she was still pretty much living the party life of a 20-something girl, clubbing almost daily, getting DUIs, dating guys in their mid to late 20s... as much as my little head wanted to have fun, it was just not where I wanted to be relationship-wise. age had little to do with it.

[carhill]

Quote:

Why do we deny our sexuality so much in this day and age if a man wants to sleep with a younger women for fun and she agrees it makes him no less of a man.

Nope, it doesn't make him less of a man but it doesn't make him more of a man either. Either way, I would stay away from these type of men. I just don't find that they are about respecting women.

JS, wouldn't this tie in with the sexual equality dynamic and, in particular different life paths? I mean, either a man or a woman can be promiscuous (or the reverse) and it has little effect anymore, other than a few outdated societal stereotypes. To me, it (the preference) goes more to compatibility. I personally would weigh the personality features which promote and/or enable a woman to be promiscuous, rather than focus on the promiscuity itself. I would decide if those personality features were compatible with mine. This is one area where my wife and I were compatible, in that neither of us had a tendancy to look elsewhere for sexual validation. I would expect that now, with the M waning, she should (and rightfully so) begin to seek such outside validation. In fact, it's entirely possible she'll go crazy (sexually) just as a reaction to the stress of the marital dynamic the past few years. If, so, that's her personality. It doesn't make her less of a person. Conversely, I'll continue my perspective of choosing sexual partners slowly and carefully, because that's my path.

 

BEG, I empathize with you. My best advice to you is one, to work through your feelings for your MM boss and resolve that situation; then, two, cast your net as widely as possible. Get out of your box of everyday life. Take a vacation. Look men in the eye and let them know your valuable and available. Then, be selective using that criteria you now have; you know, the good family man criteria. It'll take some getting used to

[EllieBean]

Gosh, I'm surprised by all the people who think that men in their early 30s only want to date younger women! I'm in my 30s and still regularly get hit on by guys in their early 20s, as well as men in their 30s. Any guy the same age as me would be lucky to have me - looks-wise I can pass for being in my early 20s but I have the income and emotional maturity of a 30-something woman, as well as being attractive and well educated.

 

I guess men who focus on looks go for women in their 20s, even if they can't hold a decent conversation and often don't know much about good sex. If I was a 30-something guy, I'd much rather date an attractive and financially stable woman of 30 who knows what she's doing in the bedroom and can also discuss the intricacies of quantum physics at the dinner table. If a guy only wanted me for my looks, then I wouldn't want him anyway as he obviously wouldn't be able to stimulate me intellectually.

[moman]

Gosh, I'm surprised by all the people who think that men in their early 30s only want to date younger women! I'm in my 30s and still regularly get hit on by guys in their early 20s, as well as men in their 30s. Any guy the same age as me would be lucky to have me - looks-wise I can pass for being in my early 20s but I have the income and emotional maturity of a 30-something woman, as well as being attractive and well educated.

 

I guess men who focus on looks go for women in their 20s, even if they can't hold a decent conversation and often don't know much about good sex. If I was a 30-something guy, I'd much rather date an attractive and financially stable woman of 30 who knows what she's doing in the bedroom and can also discuss the intricacies of quantum physics at the dinner table. If a guy only wanted me for my looks, then I wouldn't want him anyway as he obviously wouldn't be able to stimulate me intellectually.

 

Most of the 30+ women I know are single and bitter about it. Stories I've heard include most variations of "I dated a guy for 3+ years and he didn't propose so I broke it off" and tons of cheating stories.

 

The last time I had a date with a 30+ woman on the first date she commented on my 2-seat sports car and asked how I plan to fit baby seats in there. Yeah, I wish I could say that was a rarity but desperation is all over a woman's face.

 

Anyways, to the OP, as long as you keep up with yourself I'm sure you will meet someone in the same situation who is looking for the things you want as well.

[Sam Spade]

That's only possible if the woman either gets lucky or really starts lowering her standards. What's the point of getting married just to get married?

 

That's not the point at all. All I'm saying that the ingredients of a good relationship are probably found (all at once) in about 50% of the people we encounter on a daily basis. As long as you find someone you're attracted to, who is sane, nice, and has the same goals in life, there is no excuse to not being able to get married other than 1) holding on in hopes of a "better deal" or 2) not knowing what you want out of life or relationships. Whichever the case after 30, odds are overwhelmingly against you unless you change your mindset... Soulmates are not harvested, they are developed. You marry somebody decent, and if you put in all the honest work and commitment, 20 years later you realise that they're your soulmate .

This is not settling, or lowering your standards, this is being an adult in my understanding. Of course nobody should get married for the sake of getting married, but unless you have plans that positively trump getting married and starting a family, there is no reason to linger around waiting for something elusive, but there is also no need to despair as long as this is approached methodically.

[RecordProducer]

To be honest you probably have missed some opportunities.

What do you mean she probably MISSED a few opportunities?

 

There are over 7 billion people that she's never met. I am sure some of them were the right guys for her, but she "missed" those opportunities.

[MN randomguy]

To be honest you probably have missed some opportunities. With that being said the same does apply to a man your age as many women will have already married.

 

In that regard, if the man prefers younger women (which is likely) you are at a disadvantage.

 

True and True. You've wasted some of your youth chasing drama and playing games. However, you did not waste all of it. Admit your mistake and move on.

 

 

Especially successful men will want young women.

 

I don't think your level of success determines what you want. Your level of success determines what's attainable.

 

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted to bed younger women for "kicks" and then think he deserved to settle down with the quality woman I am. His lose. And actually, I would advise any woman the same because that tells alot about the quality of a man.a

 

With that said, there is an awful lot of judgment on women going on that some of the same men that are making these judgements fail to judge themselves to the same standard. If you are a man that hit 30 before he could get it togther, to now judge women your age for the same mistakes is 100% hypocritcal. If you are a man claiming that women are so bittere after 30, yet fail to see their own bitterness, you really need to re-evauluate yourself. I see the same men make comments and judging and critizing women for things they themselves aren't. It's ironic.

 

Kick butt Jersey. What if you did have it together as a guy at 20. Wanted a relationship with a 20 y/o but they wanted drama instead. I think the assmumption in our culture that everyone under 30 gets high all day and sleeps around is prejudice.

 

Really you think? I don't I think its human nature to want sex and desire attractive mates maybe I should have said for "fun" instead of kicks granted that makes it sound sleazy.

 

Why do we deny our sexuality so much in this day and age if a man wants to sleep with a younger women for fun and she agrees it makes him no less of a man.

 

Does wanting sex mean that its the best avenue to take? If you're going to get married isn't "denying your sexuality" a big part of monogamy? What if your wife doesn't want sex. Looks to me that you're either going to have to cheat or maybe "deny your sexuality"

 

What if the shoe were on the other foot and a women had a fling I have the sex was amazing but I knew there was really no future so dose that mean I don't some day deserve a good quality husband?

 

Its a sign that she's less concerned about finding a quality husband IMO. Because you are right. If Jersey Shortie doesn't want her husband to have been around the block she needs to hold herself to the same standard.

[MN randomguy]

What do you mean she probably MISSED a few opportunities?

 

There are over 7 billion people that she's never met. I am sure some of them were the right guys for her, but she "missed" those opportunities.

 

 

I think he means that there were most likely some great husband material guys that were into her. But, she wasn't into them. Now she wants to change her mind and these guys have moved on. True, there are lots of people out there. But, high school and college ages its a lot easier to meet people and a lot more probable that they're available.

 

It used to be common for people to meet their spouse in college. Now, many women wouldn't want that.

[clv0116]

I don't think your level of success determines what you want. Your level of success determines what's attainable.

 

Bingo. What is desirable but unattainable gets the sour grapes treatment. For example, "Well I like plump girls" or "Younger women are too shallow" or "Pretty young women are only good for one thing" or "Marriage is pretty meaningless".

[D-Lish]

Most of the 30+ women I know are single and bitter about it. Stories I've heard include most variations of "I dated a guy for 3+ years and he didn't propose so I broke it off" and tons of cheating stories.

 

The last time I had a date with a 30+ woman on the first date she commented on my 2-seat sports car and asked how I plan to fit baby seats in there. Yeah, I wish I could say that was a rarity but desperation is all over a woman's face.

 

Anyways, to the OP, as long as you keep up with yourself I'm sure you will meet someone in the same situation who is looking for the things you want as well.

 

 

Geez, spend 15 minutes with someone and they are envisioning your Sporty McSport's car morphing into a mini-van? I would think that would be more rare than you say... But I don't date woman, so I wouldn't know.

 

BEG, Honestly, 30 isn't over the hill in any way shape or form. I'm older than you and I am not in a hurry to jump into anything just for the sake of fulfilling that white picket fence destiny.

 

I think we grow up being force fed certain notions about when things are supposed to happen for us in life. As children, we learn that our life should happen in time format stages. As little girls we are introduced to a smattering of ideals through the media, the toys we play with, the stories our parents used to read to us. It's no wonder women grow up fretting about "the white dress day"!

 

Many of my friends are married with children, and they aren't necessarily happy. Some are, and others are downright miserable and feel trapped because of their children.

 

I always think of my grandparents. My grandfather was abusive to my grandma, he cheated on her, he belittled her.... And she played the role of dutiful wife and mother. Taking care of the kids, decorating the house, cooking and cleaning. She was such an unhappy woman. She played the role she was supposed to until she died- but she did so because in her time- you did exactly what society expected of you. I know if she lived in our time, she would have divorced my grandfather and gone on to do exceptional things. She probably would have found real happiness.

 

Always think of your life as an opportunity. You haven't missed opportunities- you've gained experience. Your experience will lead to new opportunities. I bet you've also dodged a few bullets!

 

40 is around the corner for me, and I still don't feel pressure.

It's true that both men and women can ascertain when a person is desperate. That will drive people away pretty quickly no matter how great of a person you are.

 

You have to shake that belief that the clock is ticking. You've got a long way to go!

 

When you have confidence in yourself and are comfortable with your independance...That is when you will attract a better partner. If you continue to embrace the notion that your time is running out, you'll end up settling (and driving potential good guys away).

 

30, Pfft. That's nothing.

[Trialbyfire]

BEG, I've got four years on you and my biological clock still hasn't started ticking. This is from someone who's always wanted children but refused to do so, until the timing was right. Thank goodness for that because it would have been far worse with the divorce. Maybe I would have stayed trapped in my previous marriage, for the sake of the kids! Now...I have someone who makes me very happy.

 

Don't settle. You're not old. This is the age where you finally get your feet under you. Don't waste it on angst. Enjoy the fact that you've earned some experience points, got your wings and now, are ready to fly.

 

Ignore the b/s being spouted by either primarily twenty-something guys or bitter thirty-something+ men, that a thirty-something woman has no options. These men don't date men so how the hell would they know what it's like!

 

There are plenty of men out there who want someone who knows what they want out of life.

[Jersey Shortie]

I like Trial's and D-Lishes attitudes and think there is something some of gals can learn from. You both seem very happy and comfortable with who you are.

 

JS, wouldn't this tie in with the sexual equality dynamic and, in particular different life paths? I mean, either a man or a woman can be promiscuous (or the reverse) and it has little effect anymore, other than a few outdated societal stereotypes. To me, it (the preference) goes more to compatibility. I personally would weigh the personality features which promote and/or enable a woman to be promiscuous, rather than focus on the promiscuity itself. I would decide if those personality features were compatible with mine. This is one area where my wife and I were compatible, in that neither of us had a tendancy to look elsewhere for sexual validation. I would expect that now, with the M waning, she should (and rightfully so) begin to seek such outside validation. In fact, it's entirely possible she'll go crazy (sexually) just as a reaction to the stress of the marital dynamic the past few years. If, so, that's her personality. It doesn't make her less of a person. Conversely, I'll continue my perspective of choosing sexual partners slowly and carefully, because that's my path.

 

Carhill, I totally agree with it the way you described. I don't see sexual promiscuousity as an issue. It's more about the idea behind the people you are sleeping with, how you treat them, how you view them compared to yourself. I don't think you are a man that would only sleep with a young woman because it made him feel better about himself and then puff your chest out like a peacock for it. I think if you were with a younger woman you would be with that woman because you like her as a person. I also don't think you would sleep with someone and then think more lowly of them for it. Some men will sleep with a woman but think they are better then that woman. It's about intention, how you precieve yourself and how you precieve and treat the other person how you talk about them. I also would be wary of a man that *only* slept with younger woman and was proud of this because of her age instead of looking at all different types of women.

[D-Lish]

There are plenty of men out there who want someone who knows what they want out of life.

 

TBF!!!

That cannot be a pic of Kim Kardashian!!!!!!!

If so- reprimands (as per Tony) will follow.

 

BEG, there are guys over 30 that have their crap together.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF!!!

That cannot be a pic of Kim Kardashian!!!!!!!

If so- reprimands (as per Tony) will follow.

 

BEG, there are guys over 30 that have their crap together.

No, it's not Kim but thanks for the heads-up!

 

Yes, there are plenty of men in their thirties and older who have their crap together.

[tyhbvf]

I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this.

 

I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing.

 

To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range

 

On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do...

I'm really not sure what to do.

 

 

You can have kids up to 40 years old without complications. You still have 10 years.

 

That said, marriage is the most important decision in your life.

 

Do not marry for love (unless you can afford it).

 

Marry a man who can provide for you and your baby. Let him have extramarital affairs as long as he takes care of you. That's the man you want to have.

 

If you want a man who will stay faithful to you-- but you will secretly despise-- then marry down. Marry a geek who is overweight. Marry a profesional black man.

 

If you really want a baby, then save all your money in the next ten years and then go the sperm bank and get yourself pregnant by an anonymous doner.

[RecordProducer]

I think he means that there were most likely some great husband material guys that were into her. But, she wasn't into them.

I guess you're right. Well, those aren't really missed opportunitires.

It used to be common for people to meet their spouse in college. Now, many women wouldn't want that.

What we meet/want while in college is not what we truly want n life. You're right again.

[carhill]

I don't think you are a man that would only sleep with a young woman because it made him feel better about himself and then puff your chest out like a peacock for it.

 

I can't say I would not be flattered if a young lady gave me such attention, and a few have during my travels, but I tend to think of women your age like daughters and don't feel that same intimacy I need for sexual desire like I do with a woman my own age. One datapoint, surely not the norm, if my readings here are any indicator. The only way I would consider a woman the age of the OP was if we were overwhelmingly compatible and I wanted to make a run again at having a child

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

if I want to have kids.

 

men my age now prefer 20 year olds.

 

I was always quite picky with men

 

I will most likely have to settle... and that's depressing.

 

I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet.

 

I don't find him particularly attractive... but he is a single guy in my age range

 

I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy... and would probably end up cheating if I do...

 

I'm really not sure what to do.

 

 

Remain single rather than drag some innocent partner into all of this.