BlueEyedGirl Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this. I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do.
rakula Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this. I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do. Sigh.. I totally feel you on this. I'm turning 29 next week and I'm looking for a girl myself. I'm trying this speed dating thing tonight. So maybe that's something that could work for you too? I think being desperate and trying to make thinks work can have adverse effects. If you are forcing it it won't happen. But if you guys just get along it could work out? I mean arranged marriages seem to work sometimes when the couple just gets along so you can make it work too I suppose. The thing is you have to be both committed for it to work. If there is no attraction physically or chemicially I'd say it' s not worth it. I think being single in your 30s is better than being divorced with kids in your 30s. Imagine how many of that pool find it hard to date. So anyway... long story short... if there is heart.. go for it.. with out it.. it won't be enjoyable. And this is the rest of your life we are talking about here.
loser101 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Well.... first thing first, you have a few years yet before you have to worry about being too old to have children. Secondly, what do you mean men want 20-year-olds? I'm 36 and the last 5 years at least I have been only dating men that are younger than me. Some were ready to settle down too (so it wasn't just for sex). As for throwing yourself at anyone: you have no excuses. People - men or women - in a healthy relationship want someone that contributes something to their lives, not someone that needs a crutch. I'm not really sure what's behind your low self-esteem
Sam Spade Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 This sounds horrible. And I really hope that reality has nothing much in common with your perception. I am 32 years old, and to be blatantly honest, my first choice would be to date girls a couple of years younger. I am not hung up on this, but this is an honest knee-jerk reaction from a guy who is starting from scratch at 32, which is my case. My current GF is 29 years old (though looks younger). Whether or not this would be a problem really depends on how you take care of yourself and your attitude. There are many 35 year olds that are smoking hot, and many 27 year olds that look terrible... But anyway, your thread is very interesting for me because my ex gf is now 32 as well, and I really, really hope she does not end up feeling this way, and I certainly pray she does not settle for some douchebag... This feeling of desperation you describe cannot possibly lead to a good decisions and good relationship outcomes... (And she's convinced that her pproblems will be less severe if she only finds somebody, anybody to be with ) On a brighter note, I guess, she says she's got plenty of male interest after her, she's just not interested. Which is good for now. (Just for the record, i'm not quilt ridden or anything - she was the one to dump me, and then want me back, which seems impossible due to major emotional issues...)
GAchasen Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 As a 31 year old woman almost 32, I know where you are coming from. But I also know that there is the right man out there for me. Currently, I'm dating a committment phobe who had his heart broken. We have a good time and it is my choice to stay with him. I think you should listen to the previous post about at least your not divorce and starting over all over again. I think when you look at your own problems in life, you realize that your neighbor may be dealing with something more substantial. Have faith in yourself. Do you consider yourself a good catch? Ask yourself that question, because you sound like you have low self-esteem. Love yourself and just maybe you will find the right person or he will find you.
EllieBean Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Goodness, you have plenty of time! You could meet someone and be married with kids within a couple of years, so you have at least 5-6 years or more to meet someone suitable. My backup plan has always been to have kids on my own (artificial insemination) as a last resort if I reach 37-38 and there's still no man on the scene. I think it would be worse to be stuck in an unhappy relationship than to have kids on my own. I've also noticed that men my age (early 30s) tend to date younger women, so I'm dating a guy in his late 30s, who by a happy coincidence is also in more of a hurry to settle down and have kids than a younger guy would be. He's also very handsome and fit, and passes for being ten years younger than he is - in fact he looks better than a lot of guys my age do! So he's happy because he has a younger woman, and I'm happy because I have a handsome older man who is ready to commit
39388 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do. There are two extremes. Overly picky about everything and just settling for anyone. There should be a happy medium. While it would be great to find somebody that has everything just the way you like it, maybe you could compromise on some things which might be less important in the long run. Settling for someone you might cheat on seems worse than staying single.
MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this. I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do. stop telling men you're 30. if you don't look it than what is the problem. they won't even know the difference
Lindarose84 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 First, I want to say that 30 is in no way old. You're just older, and more the wiser which I think some men would be attracted to. Secondly, I agree with loser101 in that you'd be surprised how many younger guys want to date older women. I've dated a few younger guys and their reason for going for older women was simple: they know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it. I think you may be looking at the wrong guys if the people you're meeting tend to want to date 20 year-olds. I can understand wanting to find someone soon to settle down with so you can start thinking of kids since medically speaking, once you turn 35 you're now a "high risk" when it comes to having a baby for the first time. Whatever you're doing now must not be working, so try something different. I.e. online dating, or speed dating as rakula suggested. Know what you want and don't settle for less because you will ultimately regret it. It's neither fair to you or your significant other if you settled out of desperation. Desperation is NEVER an attractive quality and you risk scaring a guy off who is potentially interested in you. Just take a step back, take a deep breath, evaluate where you've been and where you want to be relationship wise and go from there.
MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Unless your face is dragging down to the floor in wrinkles you should not be acting desperate if you still LOOK young. your age is really a number. no one knows your 30 if you look just as youthful as the 20 year olds. i see girls younger than me who may be very young but are really not all that attractive. some look older than i do, i'd never guess that they are 18 if they hadn't of told me
voldigicam Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Unfortunately, the typical person shopping for a 30year old woman is about 40. The maturity levels match better, too. Might just cast a wider net. Younger & older.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Unfortunately, the typical person shopping for a 30year old woman is about 40. The maturity levels match better, too. Might just cast a wider net. Younger & older. Yeah, I have noticed this. Older men love me now
moman Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Most guys I know don't want to date older women because of the situation you've described. I can't imagine why I would, by 30 most girls have been ****ed and chucked so many times they are bitter at the world, and think that guys have screwed them over.
Isolde Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Well I've always thought the times when you become desperate are the best times to step back and not think about what you're after for a while. Sometimes, there's just nothing you can actively do and it's more about waiting. Though this is a depressing thought, it can also be empowering. Really, at 30, many, many, many people are still dating. You know, if you meet a good guy for you 5 years from now, you still have time for kids or if medical things concern you, you can adopt. Don't settle. Think about how much happier you are now (yes, now) than with the wrong person!
chrislovestosurf Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 You'll be fine, im 31 and although I seem to end up dating girls younger than me I still find myself very attracted to and open to dating older girls. Im actually going out with a 34 year old lady next week who is really attractive, fun loving, very successful, and basically has her **** together. I lust her and wouldnt mind making her my girlfriend either. I few months back I went out with a 24 year old girl who was extremely hot but acted like a 12th grader who just discovered alcohol. Its like night and day with some of these young chicks compared to one my own age. The ladies in my age bracket make some of these girls who cant grow up look like losers. Bottom line, if you're easy going, show confidence, carry yourself well, and look decent you will be a hot item well into your late 30's or so.
pinkmarble Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 You know, with all the medical advances and health awareness, 35 is no longer a magical number for increased pregnancy risks. You've got another 10 years before you should start panicking (j/k of course). I think the best course of action is to relax and let things happen as they will. You don't want to scare guys off by moving too fast.
pandagirl Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I'm almost 31, and while that biological clock has started to tick (not too loudly yet), I don't feel "desperate" at all! Maybe I'm delusional, but I still have a lot of things on my to-do list I want to accomplish. Of course, one of them is finding a person to have a relationship and family with, but I also am still very career driven, want to travel more, experience life, work on myself, etc. Maybe it's because I live in NYC, but there are TONS of 30-something single women in this town, and no one blinks an eye when a women is single. In fact, people think it's weird when you are 30 and married. My advice is to live life in the present. Stop worrying about the future. There is no timeline on life, everyone goes at their own pace and things happen when they should.
MN randomguy Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Blue Eyed, I didn't mean to freak you out in the last thread. There are a lot of people who have their fun and then settle down in their early thirties. I was just saying, in my situation. Even for me it is possible to meet a girl and say, "yeah, that's what I'm looking for, if by some miracle she'd be into me I'd marry her ASAP, before she realizes what's going on" Traditionally, the man in a marriage tends to be 4-6 years older. I said early 20s. I wouldn't try for a 21 y/o. College is a long time ago for me and we wouldn't have much in common. Most guys my age aren't like me as they've done the 21 y/o game player, and are tired of it. What about these "older" guys that like you? what qualifies as older? I would think that mid thirties would be a good target for you. What criteria are you judging guys on? There are a lot of guys that are still single because they're not good at the dating game. This can work-out good for you if you'd prefer a husband that doesn't tend to pick-up new girlfriends. You haven't ran out of time. Just try to figure out what you've been doing wrong. In short, get rid of any romance novel or anything crappy like that and look toward women you know in real life that actually have what you want and try to learn from them. People on these forums tend to tell people to listen to their heart. But, the heart is deceiving. Use your head and don't get sucked into or play any more games.
Sam Spade Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 All that talk about the "age" aside, and contrary to my own stated preference, I still think that the age as such does NOT actually matter, not at all. If a woman is half-decent looking and has her life and priorities, and mental health in order, she will be able to find an adequate mate within a very short time, *no matter* what is her age. The age is an issue only if a woman is already past her 30th, but she's still a mess emotionally and still struggles with relationships. This is the scenario that is sad to watch, since it is only bound to result in a viscious circle of aging accompanied with worse and worse relationship. But it would not be because of the age as such. Aging merely leaves less room for stupid mistakes, that's all.
mortensorchid Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I'd seek out a good shrink. It's easy to feel this way when you get to be a certain age, but you are suffering from serious self esteem issues if you feel like you need a man to make you feel better about yourself. You will end up with Mr. Wrong easily if you have this sense about you.
rod_in_gtown Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Don't worry so much about this, there are plenty of eligible 30-somethings not looking to settle either, I am 32 and don't want to date someone younger than 26, and to be completely honest, I don't really want to date anyone outside of the 29-35 date range. but numbers really don't mean that much to me anyway, all I really want is to find that someone with whom I can share. I want a partner and a friend, Going out and partying is fun but it's more fun to build an emotional relationship with someone that will last you for the rest of your life.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I feel like time is running out for me to find someone if I want to have kids. I have never felt old before and I know that I look younger but realistically men my age now prefer 20 year olds. I have nightmares about this. I was always quite picky with men and due to having somewhat different personality to the norm there really are not many people that I click with. I realize that I will most likely have to settle if I want to have family and that's depressing. To make things worse I now seem to throw myself at every man I meet. New guy started at work recently (but not on my team) and from talking to him briefly it looked like he is single. As soon as I got home I searched for him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted like 3 days later and is probably thinking WTF. The thing is that I don't find him particularly attractive or feel that we have hit it off in any way but he is a single guy in my age range On the other hand I don't think that I can be happy settling for a guy when my heart is not in it and would probably end up cheating if I do... I'm really not sure what to do. 20 is really young - I think you are exaggerating the preferences of 30-year-old men. I had a few dates with women in their early 20s over the past year and my own experience was that they were really immature and flaky - it was a waste of time.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 All that talk about the "age" aside, and contrary to my own stated preference, I still think that the age as such does NOT actually matter, not at all. If a woman is half-decent looking and has her life and priorities, and mental health in order, she will be able to find an adequate mate within a very short time, *no matter* what is her age. The age is an issue only if a woman is already past her 30th, but she's still a mess emotionally and still struggles with relationships. This is the scenario that is sad to watch, since it is only bound to result in a viscious circle of aging accompanied with worse and worse relationship. But it would not be because of the age as such. Aging merely leaves less room for stupid mistakes, that's all. That's only possible if the woman either gets lucky or really starts lowering her standards. What's the point of getting married just to get married?
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I'm really not sure what to do.Sweetie, do nothing. I am 34 and getting out of my second marriage so I am single too. I do have kids though from my first marriage. Dr. Chopra says "When you want something too much, let it go." Let it go and you will find true love. Mingle with people as much as you can (not bars and pubs), but don't be obsessed with this. Accept that you just might never meet the right person and it's OK. But you WILL meet him. Please don't settle or rush into anything that's not right for you. Luckily, you're a woman, you can get pregnant with the first guy you meet, so if you haven't met Mr. Right by the time you're 35 or so, have a child on your own. There's nothing worse than a crappy marriage so forget the guy that you didn't click with. Just let it go and it will come to you. Have faith and don't ever settle. It's difficult enough to put up with people we love; we don't need people we don't love in our lives. You're still very young. You have time to start a family.
rakula Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 First, I want to say that 30 is in no way old. You're just older, and more the wiser which I think some men would be attracted to. Secondly, I agree with loser101 in that you'd be surprised how many younger guys want to date older women. I've dated a few younger guys and their reason for going for older women was simple: they know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it. I think you may be looking at the wrong guys if the people you're meeting tend to want to date 20 year-olds. I can understand wanting to find someone soon to settle down with so you can start thinking of kids since medically speaking, once you turn 35 you're now a "high risk" when it comes to having a baby for the first time. Whatever you're doing now must not be working, so try something different. I.e. online dating, or speed dating as rakula suggested. Know what you want and don't settle for less because you will ultimately regret it. It's neither fair to you or your significant other if you settled out of desperation. Desperation is NEVER an attractive quality and you risk scaring a guy off who is potentially interested in you. Just take a step back, take a deep breath, evaluate where you've been and where you want to be relationship wise and go from there. Ok.. I just have to let you know. I just came back from speed dating and I just loved it. I met so many girls there. It was amazing! I had a hard time choosing. I'm usually a guy that has a hard time with asking the girls out on dates, but I was on fire. I got the guys all jealous. I'm not sure if my experience is the exception to the rule but I'd recommend doing the speed dating thing with anyone. I had more fun after the speed dating then during, just because I wished there was more time during the speed dating. So don't lose hope BlueEyedGirl. It's totally possible to get reeled in at one of these events. Try it! You've got nothing to lose.
Recommended Posts