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Is a man who truly loves you supposed to do this???

intoodeep

By intoodeep
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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intoodeep New Member

intoodeep

Posted
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New here. Tried to post my question on yahoo answers, but didnt get any answers so I found this forum and I'm posting it here. Please help!!

 

I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 32, we have been together 9 months. I found out that he has been texting his ex-girlfriend (a 40 year old stripper with 5 children) some racy stuff. I saw his phone light up and it was a text from her that said "Love you." So I went through his phone and found messages about how he missed making love to her and had dirty thoughts about her.

 

Here's the thing. He treats me like a PRINCESS!!! This man tells me all the time that I'm the best thing to happen to him. That I've calmed him down a lot and made him a better person. That I'm his best friend and confidante and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I'm the girl he's been looking for. He is always buying me clothes and/or jewerly, making me dinner, paying for my groceries, and doing nice things for my little sister (who is mentally handicapped). I'm good friends with his sister. His mom loves me. His friends love me. I even found a receipt in his truck to a jewerly store for an engagement ring, and he has hinted he wants to propose on my birthday. My family likes him too.

 

How on earth can someone who supposedly loves you so much and do SO MUCH for you, possibly do this behind your back?? Does he love me?? Does he love her? I want to confront him but I was being nosy. I feel like I'd be being ungrateful for all the things he does for me if I were to confront him over this. What would you do??

samspade Established Member

samspade

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He is way out of line and doesn't love you as much as you think.

 

You can't feel bad about being "nosy" or "ungrateful." Just because he buys you things and treats you like a princess doesn't give him an excuse to act this way, and neither should it be an excuse for you to tolerate disrespect.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Nine months is not a super long time.

 

Maybe it is that he's ready to "calm down" (grow up? settle down?), and he is sort of transitioning between his "racy" old ways and this 'new him' that maybe he is just starting to get to know...and like.

 

I'd tend to want to tell him what and how you found out (and be duly apologetic), and ask if it is anything that you need to be concerned about in terms of it being a threat/obstacle to you guys moving forward.

Also could ask what it is that his staying in contact with her is giving him (what are his perceived benefits & rewards), and if he is working towards having those needs met within his relationship with you.

 

I'd also be inclined to say that I can understand any transition he may be going through but am only willing to tolerate this type of behaviour for 'x' amount of weeks or months. And then mention more specifically what are my relationship needs, desires, expectations and boundaries -- and ask about his.

 

So, more of an open and honest conversation than a "confrontation", maybe?

Chicago_Guy Established Member

Chicago_Guy

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How on earth can someone who supposedly loves you so much and do SO MUCH for you, possibly do this behind your back?? Does he love me?? Does he love her? I want to confront him but I was being nosy. I feel like I'd be being ungrateful for all the things he does for me if I were to confront him over this. What would you do??

 

I think it is pretty obvious that he does not love you. If he did, he wouldn't send messages like that to his ex.

EllieBean Established Member

EllieBean

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No, a man who truly loves you would not do that sort of thing. Ergo, he does not truly love you, no matter how it may seem. Ditch him, you're young enough to find someone decent who won't betray you. And get yourself tested for STDs in case he's been having sex with her behind your back.

You'reasian Established Member

You'reasian

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He's a fake... he is texting his ex sexual things yet he wants to marry you? He is a liar and can't be trusted. I know it's hard to hear but it is pretty cut & dry that this behavior is indicative of a man not fully invested, not in either you or the ex. There are plenty of guys out there who will treat you like a princess.. go find one who is also honest and true to you. Good luck.

 

Drawing from this - why is this guy not fully invested?

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intoodeep New Member

intoodeep

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Thanks for the responses

 

So last night I confronted him, because I just couldn't take it anymore. After seeing yet ANOTHER text on his phone. I grabbed it from him and saw her name and told him I had seen text messages from her before and what they said. And asked why he was still talking to her.

 

He kept saying he was so sorry. How she is a b**** and means nothing to him. That nothing physical ever happened between them that the texts never meant anything. I asked him why he didnt tell me he was talking to her and he said he knew I'd get upset. That it just started out as them being friends again and somehow lead to that kind of flirting, which supposedly means nothing. Afterwards he even texted her right in front of me that I am his whole world and he can't risk losing me and wants nothing further to do with her.

 

He kept going on and on about how if he loses me he loses everything. I came home anyways, despite his literally begging me not to go anywhere.

 

I haven't seen or talked to him since I came home last night, even though my phone is blowing up with calls and "I love you so much come back" text messages as I type this. But I am aching inside. I want to forgive him and believe we can work this out. But how can someone who loves you go behind your back and do this?? I can not fathom that.

 

I guess I need some time to think on this...

samspade Established Member

samspade

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Unless you two have children, I support a zero-tolerance policy on this. He sounds like he has a touch of Bill Clinton syndrome. He's looking to see what he can get away with. He's only admitting to the texts because that's what you caught him doing.

 

Quite frankly, if this guy's interest was closer to 100% with you, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. It would be one thing if he had sex with her and that was that (though that is still pretty bad), but he is repeatedly engaging with this other woman, even though you disapprove. Complete disrespect.

 

Actions, not words. What do his actions say?

loveslife Established Member

loveslife

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He is old enough to know better than to carry on like that with ANY other woman when he has a gem like you. Whether or not you found out (and believe me, next time he'll be a lot more careful you don't find out) anyone who could be so disrespectful is setting the bar pretty low for the trust in your relationship.

 

Trust me, he won't be a hard act for a decent guy to follow.

Sam Spade Established Member

Sam Spade

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Yeah I'd advice against making rushed decision to dump him right away, a recommendation way too generously dispensed on these forums. His behavior is clearly inapprorpiate, but you are doing the right thing judging him based on his overall approach to you.

 

As for the thing with the ex: depending on how much history he has had with her and what are the circumstances of the breakup, it is not that easy to sever ties completely with her, which is true even if he does not have feelings for her yet. This is no excuse for sure, but it usually takes more than a year to be completely over a past relationship (no, it does not necessarily mean that he still has feelings for her, it simply means that sometimes it really takes that long to appreciate a new relationship, even if it is great - simply because it is so different from the previous one). Things to not look great, but as long as you don't rationalize stuff away and implement a zero tolerance policy on this, you never know what will happen.

 

Here's where I'm coming from: I've never done anything nearly quite as fishy as this guy has, but I was very pleasantly surprised by how my current gf reacted after I told her my ex had contacted me (to nag about how it was my fault that she dumped me etc.) I'm sure there are plenty of self-righteous beyotchezz who would have adviced her to dump me on the spot. Instead, while she certainly wasn't pleased about it, she was pretty laidback about it, and even joked about it. the outcome of which was to strongly reinforce my perception of her sanity and coolness and make me more committed to her...

So, I'm not saying that this guy is going through the same, but make up your own mind...

yanx84 Member

yanx84

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Wow.. you people on this forum are just a little bit too judgmental I think. Granted what this guy was doing is ****ed up. No question about it. But he sounds like a decent guy. Lets all remember something... WE'RE HUMAN. People make mistakes sometimes. I mean he has a past that can't just go away like that. We ALL have memories of past lovers. He just took it one step closer to being over the line. If he slept with her it would be a MUCH different story. I believe you said you've been dating 9 months? Just because he still has thoughts or memories of her that at one point in his life meant something to him, you can't expect those memories to just vanish in his mind. It certainly doesn't mean that he doesn't love you anymore either. He's obviously still in a transition phase. I just think it would be INCREDIBLY wrong of her to just throw him away like he's trash. YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. Again, I'm gonna say what he did was extremely ****ed up. But did he not text the girl right in front of you saying how much he loves you? And that he can't live without you? That has got to mean something to you.. I believe somebody said before "actions speak louder than words"...okay...well what about those actions? He's fighting for you and that's worth a second chance. I'm not saying forgive him, get married and have children. Because he may in fact be a scum bag. But give him a chance, continue loving him, continue trusting him and if he does something even remotely close to this again. you say ADIOS..

 

he loves you.. he just ****ed up REALLY bad. give him a second chance

tkgirl Established Member

tkgirl

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Thanks for the responses

 

So last night I confronted him, because I just couldn't take it anymore. After seeing yet ANOTHER text on his phone. I grabbed it from him and saw her name and told him I had seen text messages from her before and what they said. And asked why he was still talking to her.

 

He kept saying he was so sorry. How she is a b**** and means nothing to him. That nothing physical ever happened between them that the texts never meant anything. I asked him why he didnt tell me he was talking to her and he said he knew I'd get upset. That it just started out as them being friends again and somehow lead to that kind of flirting, which supposedly means nothing. Afterwards he even texted her right in front of me that I am his whole world and he can't risk losing me and wants nothing further to do with her.

 

He kept going on and on about how if he loses me he loses everything. I came home anyways, despite his literally begging me not to go anywhere.

 

I haven't seen or talked to him since I came home last night, even though my phone is blowing up with calls and "I love you so much come back" text messages as I type this. But I am aching inside. I want to forgive him and believe we can work this out. But how can someone who loves you go behind your back and do this?? I can not fathom that.

 

I guess I need some time to think on this...

 

 

good for you for being strong enough to walk away from him.. for now. Doesn't sound like this guy is going to let you go though, so be ready. I think he may love you, but he also still has feelings for his ex that clearly have not gone away. Unlike a lot of people (on here) I believe that you CAN love more than one person at the same time... that there are different kinds of "love" etc.

How do you feel about him? besides feeling very betrayed right now! Do you want to work things out? I'm big on therapy and I think he could definitely use some so he can figure out what he wants... and then maybe you two can work things out.

man, the whole thing sucks.. I'm sorry you are going through this...

good luck!

unique77 New Member

unique77

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you did the right thing. i wish i was as strong as you when i found out my bf cheated on me. but take some time for yourself and get all the answers you need before you take him back. cause seems like he really cares and if he does he will understand.i still dont get why men have to get caught up before they wanna beg and plead "im sorry" they know they doing wrong. why do continue to hurt there partner if they in the wrong and they know it. hope everything works out for the best.

Els Established Member

Els

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Just because he still has thoughts or memories of her that at one point in his life meant something to him, you can't expect those memories to just vanish in his mind. It certainly doesn't mean that he doesn't love you anymore either. He's obviously still in a transition phase. I just think it would be INCREDIBLY wrong of her to just throw him away like he's trash. YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

 

This is not just about memories. This is not about an ex nagging him. It was not one sided. He sent dirty messages to her for pete's sake. How is it even the same thing?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Assuming he has no children with her and his opinion of her being a biatch is truly his perspective, of course he has no reason to have contact with her, but yet he does and talks about love and past lovemaking and yada yada.

 

He's a dirty boy with a grown up penis. Really, it's as simple as that. A mature man does not act like that and especially doesn't minimize the impact of his actions and words on someone he purports to love. He's now belittled two women, the biatch and the current loving GF.

 

Why do these guys get all the female attention? Look hard in the mirror when you ask that question, ladies. I see it, and you, every day :)

DunnoWhat Established Member

DunnoWhat

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I think he does love you. His actions prove this.

 

The reason why he's still in contact with his ex is because he's weak. Maybe it's the thought of the sex they had or something he can't seem to resist.

 

I think you should give him 1 last chance. Maybe he will now realise what he'll lose and cut all contact with his ex. Don't give him any more chances. He's lucky if you give him this chance although as I said I think he is a weak person.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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One last chance; one more year; on and on it goes.

 

Cut him loose, let him go resolve his weaknesses on his own time :)

flash582 Established Member

flash582

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One mistake does not a breakup make.

 

Make him work for it would be my advice, but let it go and move on eventually.

 

Make it a condition, however, that there are NO more secrets, ever. Base your relationship going forward on Honest and straightforward communication and ask him to commit to it right now. Make him give you his word on it.

 

Tell him that you're going to hold him to it.

 

You'd be surprised how effective this can be with most guys, because, unlike much of the advice tossed around on this forum, most people can be trusted and most men will keep their word.

 

I'm not going to make excuses for him, however, his mind may be filled with all these mixed messages we're programed with from the media today that can confuse our moral compass. Whatever his reasons ... he screwed up. Make sure he knows that type of behavior is not going to be tolerated.

 

Did he have a strong role model in his life that demonstrated how he should behave in a relationship? It may sound stupid, but perhaps you need to make your expectations clear to each other on what each of you consider a "good" relationship?

 

Marriage Councilors do a booming business teaching couples how to communicate because many times people just "expect" a certain type of behavior ... like everyone is programmed from the same exact playbook.

 

Tell him how you feel ... tell him your expectations .... and ask for his word on it.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Re-reading, especially the part about the princess treatment, speaks volumes. The classic schism. Used to bang the stripper, but now is the upstanding gentleman.

 

Classic male compartmentalization.

 

OK, I'll amend. Zero tolerance and full disclosure. Shouldn't be a problem since he loves her so much and evidently wants to marry her :)

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