Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 LMao... I needed something MORE menacing. nah, you are just a big ole softie inside....
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 nah, you are just a big ole softie inside.... That's what you think. lol. im made of sterner stuff.
2sure Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 He wants some attention. He wants the same thing he has always wanted from you. Attention. Nothing more. He invests the time it takes to send an email or make a call...... And you invest all you've got.
blueintheface Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 There have been things on the news recently that got to me and made me think life is too short and if you love someone then let them know life is not short. it's damn long. it's the longest thing anyone ever does so don't buy into that life is short so i guess i can throw away my dignity & integrity because it will just be a little while. you have decades left.
LovieDove24 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 No blue in the face, you're wrong. Life is pretty damn short. HOWEVER, she should be using that mantra to better herrself, not hinder herself as heartbroken is suggesting. "Life is too short to let the same man hurt me twice." NOT "Life is too short--let me tell MM how much I undyingly love him even though he already knows he has my heart on a string and has already proven how little he cares by picking up and moving around the globe to avoid me."
blueintheface Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 i guess lovie that is a better way to look at it. i'm just feeling old and i've probably got more than half a century to go which is feeling like a long time right now.
BrotherD Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 My thoughts, exactly. Honey, you've been making SO much progress! Your reactions (the nervousness & obsession starting again) show that you still have some letting go work to do. It is said that events sometimes repeat themself, so we have a chance to deepen our learning and make different (better!) choices. This could be a pivotal moment, when you empower yourself by saying NO. (By ignoring, not engaging and telling him that.) I would hate to see you have to start your grieving work all over again! Please don't underestimate how hard this will be on you! Protect yourself! That same denial that allowed you (us) to get involved with a MM in the first place could really trip you up here. I know you still have feelings, but try pretending that you don't know him. (Play along with me, okay?) A. You know he's a married man. B. You know just how painful and self-limiting it is to get involved with MM. C. Given your hard-won experience with MM, what do you do? *Game show music loops in the background* Times up: What is the correct way to respond to a MM? Wildsoul True dat. Your counsel is always wise and timely...Especially the part about repetition...I think that by looking at contact as another "taste" of something that is funked up or not working, one can look squarely at the situation and make better decisions, (without being all crazy, sentimental or nostalgic about it..) And that contact can sometimes be just the right medicine for getting over it... Thank you for being here and you hit the nail on the head!
BrotherD Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Heartbroken. You know hes not good for you. You know he has nothing to offer you, other than a visit when he is in the country or maybe he is coming back and you could be his bit on the side again.... still nothing. What happens with these people is that you want to get it "right". You have the euphoric recall that WS mentioned and you tell yourself that yes he can be the man you want him to be and that if only if only you had the chance to be together properly, he would be the man you believe he could be. He cant. Because he isnt that man. If he were, he would NEVER have treated you the way that he did. You are feeling vulnerable and alone and its nice to believe that our knight is out there. That we have met him and loved him and that with only a few little changes (like him leaving his wife and having a partial lobotomy) happiness could be yours. And your dreams would come true. Its a fantasy. Married or not, there is no reason for appalling behavior like the behavior this man showed to you. Hes a bad seed no matter what his good qualities or the good times you had together. The problem isnt that he is married. The problem (as with so many of these men) is that he is who he is. Nothing he can say is going to change that (short of I am leaving my wife checking into a clinic for extensive therapy to deal with my NPD and wil contact you when I am out ). Even then its a longshot he is such a narcissist that its hard to believe he would change all that much. Vulnerable as you are feeling. Find another dream of happiness. This has been and will only be a nightmare. Dont speak to him, you know he will draw you back in emotioanlly and a part of you wants that. But its the worst thing you could do to yourself. You have been so strong keep it up. Edited to add: I struggled with having to be in contact with xMM for a long time. If he moved far far away it would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. You have been given a gift having him so far away. Hes not in your face you dont run into him. Its just a phone ringing. You have the power to keep him totally out of your life. You need to care about yourself enough to exercise that power and not fall back into the comfort of thinking things could be different. They wont. hes proven that to you time and time again. Wow I needed to hear this tonight. Its hard when you're in the thick of things to hear this, but how simple and true. The hardest part (and the turning point) is when you get that he/she has presented themselves to you authentically, and no divorce or change of plans is going to change that...Giving up "the dream" of who they are in my opinion is step one of putting these A's to rest and getting on with it...In fact until you realize that the dream you were hoping to come true isnt ever gonna happen, moving on will seem as natural as "darkness after dusk..." And maybe it will be easier to forgive them and not take it so personally... Lobotomy...Ha! Thanks!
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Well maybe not a full lobotomy, he did have some good qualities... but at least a partial... I have finally given up the dream. And looking at it more clearly I see that even if he called tomorrow and said I am leaving W, I would say are you OK? Is your family OK? I wouldnt say oh darling I knew you would. Bring your little toothbrush to my house and we will build a life together.... We would have to start all over again building a proper relationship. Its no longer a given that we would live happily ever after.
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Brother D I had forgotten I had written that about the dream but am having to fight with it all again at the moment. Having an opportunity to accompany xMM to something that is business in a social context. At first I thought it would be wonderful. Now I am thinking it will be sad and pathetic. The dream is gone. a few hours side by side greeting the world together... in a lovely setting. Having time to talk and laugh etc etc. It would have been wonderful at one time, it would have been wonderful if we had never had the A, but now, it would just be a reminder of the fact that he is married and that I was silly to think I could ever handle being in an A and that he lives this fabulous rarified life and that I will be a part of it for a few hours. Im not even sure I can muster the facade to pull it off. Its one thing in a business meeting, or on the other end of a phone, its another in a more social setting. But I am glad I feel this way. Its a whole lot different than feeling excited about it when really its just an evening and at the end of the night we will each go home alone and afterwards it will be like nothing happened, or if I am particularly charming, he will see that as a sign that maybe he is in with a chance again and the whole thing of having to push him away will start again. In some ways we are like an old married couple. We know each other so well that we can manage these things. But the delight in spending time with him is gone. Too much hurt and too much pain has trampled a lot of the good feelings. And if I did go and the delight came back that wouldnt be productive either. Its all a hiding to nothing. Hes married and that is that. Ive been a bit mercenary about the whole thing keeping my boundaries personally but insisting on preserving the business relatoinship. And its hurt like hell. Now the scab is finally healing. Im not eager to test the waters and see how it feels to be around him unless I really have to. If I had taken Owls advice and gone total NC it would have been a much quicker healing process but it would have done unquanitfiable damage to my career. Im glad I did it the way I did (it was the right thing for me) but its been a long road.
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