xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Last time I wrote on here it was to say I found out MM had moved to another country without even telling me despite him calling me randomly at the end of November '08 just prior to leaving. Crazy. Well I had not heard anything at all since then but on Monday this week I just couldn't believe my eyes when I had an email from him in my inbox, it was only brief but with a nice tone asking how I was and if he could call me, he put a kiss at the end of it. I was so shaken up I felt ill for a few hours after reading it. But kind of happy that he had made contact, I had been missing him alot of late and for the last few weeks wanted to actually email HIM saying wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I love him. There have been things on the news recently that got to me and made me think life is too short and if you love someone then let them know - so it's like he read my mind by emailing me first! Anyway, I resisted the urge to email back and thought if he's going to call he will call. Yesterday I had a missed call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize, Googled the code and it was from the foreign city he's now living in! Again I was very shaken up from that, he hadn't left a voicemail or anything though. Well today I was out shopping in the mall and that same number starts calling again, I did not have the balls to answer so ignored it and let it go to answerphone, my heart beating really fast with nerves and shock. This time he left a voicemail saying it's him and he will try calling me again. What does he want? I thought I would never hear from him again. He moved to a city the other side of the world without even telling me and he doesn't know I know - so if he's there what is he calling me for cos its not like we can hook up or anything. When he calls again Im very tempted to answer so I can find out what he wants. I don't know whether I should let on that I'm aware he's living there as I found that out through snooping at something I shouldn't have, but then he has not attempted to disguise the number he's calling from - I guess he could claim to just be there on vacation or something. But seriously though I want to answer in case he is calling to tell me something I might want to hear, but then again what if it's just to stir up my feelings for him?
Reggie Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Sweet Jesus. I bet he did read your mind. This is a sign that you two are soulmates. He'll move mountains for you.
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Personally, I would never again speak to a person who treated me so horribly. But that's just me. i know that I am a good and decent human being, and that I don't deserve to be treated like I am a Shigella dysenteriae bacteria. You may like that.
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 What does he want? I thought I would never hear from him again. He moved to a city the other side of the world without even telling me and he doesn't know I know - so if he's there what is he calling me for cos its not like we can hook up or anything. When he calls again Im very tempted to answer so I can find out what he wants. I don't know whether I should let on that I'm aware he's living there as I found that out through snooping at something I shouldn't have, but then he has not attempted to disguise the number he's calling from - I guess he could claim to just be there on vacation or something. But seriously though I want to answer in case he is calling to tell me something I might want to hear, but then again what if it's just to stir up my feelings for him? So its all starting up again? <<He moved to a city the other side of the world without even telling me and he doesn't know I know - so if he's there what is he calling me for cos its not like we can hook up or anything.>> Well maybe he is returning shortly for business reasons, and is phishing to see if he can hook up? <<But seriously though I want to answer in case he is calling to tell me something I might want to hear, but then again what if it's just to stir up my feelings for him?>> Like WHAT exactly would you want to hear? That he's bought you a ticket to sleep with him? That he needs a booty call in a few weeks time when he returns? That he found out he's had a long-term STD, That he MAY be getting a divorce? That he's missed you, sorry he didn't tell you he was going, things were so hectic, he thought you were mad at him etc etc bs bs... and keeps telling you sweet nothings in your ear, so you will 'wait' for him should he ever be able to hook up? If he really had something important to tell you, email is just as effective. Are you busy swooning over this all over again? Think it will be any easier to maintain a LDR with him this time? Are you going to be content with even fewer table-scraps from him? Because you 'love him'?!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Guys I know you must think that Im such a fool but I cannot help how I feel about him despite his appalling behaviour. I was almost too ashamed to admit it on here that I still love him even though I went through hell last summer because of him. I have tried to move on, I really have - I go out most weekends with friends, I am planning a wonderful holiday in July, I am performing very well again at work after my boss almost fired me last summer as the depression over MM meant I just couldnt function and every day was an uphill struggle, I have started to love the world around me again. But despite being relatively happy I often find him in the back of my mind - or should that be FRONT of my mind. I fantasize about him to the point where I get so turned on, I replay our passionate moments in my head and get off on it - seriously I have never loved anyone this much or felt such a deep connection, thats why it hurt so much when he abandoned me last summer after living under the same roof as me (in a roommate situation, he never actually left his wife for me). Then to hear that he not only moved out to set up home with his wife and kids in this town but then ultimately move them to the other side of the world a few months later! Unbelievable. However, I do blame myself - although he was very out of order to behave the way he did, it was me who let it get to me, it was my fault I fell apart and suffered depression afterwards, my fault I got post traumatic stress etc. I dont think hes realizes just how much everything affected me. I am very scared that if I take the call and open the door to him, it may affect me badly again like that if he says something to upset me. But then he *could* be calling to tell me he wants to be with me, if so that would make me very happy right now.
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 So its all starting up again? <<He moved to a city the other side of the world without even telling me and he doesn't know I know - so if he's there what is he calling me for cos its not like we can hook up or anything.>> Well maybe he is returning shortly for business reasons, and is phishing to see if he can hook up? My thoughts, exactly. Honey, you've been making SO much progress! Your reactions (the nervousness & obsession starting again) show that you still have some letting go work to do. It is said that events sometimes repeat themself, so we have a chance to deepen our learning and make different (better!) choices. This could be a pivotal moment, when you empower yourself by saying NO. (By ignoring, not engaging and telling him that.) I would hate to see you have to start your grieving work all over again! Please don't underestimate how hard this will be on you! Protect yourself! That same denial that allowed you (us) to get involved with a MM in the first place could really trip you up here. I know you still have feelings, but try pretending that you don't know him. (Play along with me, okay?) A. You know he's a married man. B. You know just how painful and self-limiting it is to get involved with MM. C. Given your hard-won experience with MM, what do you do? *Game show music loops in the background* Times up: What is the correct way to respond to a MM?
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I fantasize about him to the point where I get so turned on, I replay our passionate moments in my head and get off on it - seriously I have never loved anyone this much or felt such a deep connection, thats why it hurt so much when he abandoned me last summer after living under the same roof as me... This is a VERY important self-disclosure! I acknowledge you for being brave enough to admit it. I'll try to be gentle in confronting it. What you're describing is called "euphoric recall." You are giving yourself a potent biochemical fix by conjuring up fantasies of xMM. Drug addicts who've quit, but not actually gone into recovery do this too. What usually happens next with them, is that the fantasy hit starts feeling less potent, and the desire for the real thing increases until they have a SLIP. You might want to see a therapist, hypnotheripist, or EMDR practitioner to un-hook your sexual/emotional wiring from images of xMM. Until you kick that habit, you're not going to heal and you're not going to be available to a NEW and BETTER partner. (Alternatively, some people go out and have rebound sex with someone else (who's safe) to break the sexual bond with the ex.) And dammit, I don't know how they do it, but ex's are uncannily accurate at showing up right when we're close to a slip!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 My thoughts, exactly. Honey, you've been making SO much progress! Your reactions (the nervousness & obsession starting again) show that you still have some letting go work to do. It is said that events sometimes repeat themself, so we have a chance to deepen our learning and make different (better!) choices. This could be a pivotal moment, when you empower yourself by saying NO. (By ignoring, not engaging and telling him that.) I would hate to see you have to start your grieving work all over again! Please don't underestimate how hard this will be on you! Protect yourself! That same denial that allowed you (us) to get involved with a MM in the first place could really trip you up here. I know you still have feelings, but try pretending that you don't know him. (Play along with me, okay?) A. You know he's a married man. B. You know just how painful and self-limiting it is to get involved with MM. C. Given your hard-won experience with MM, what do you do? *Game show music loops in the background* Times up: What is the correct way to respond to a MM? Wildsoul you say the most amusing things sometimes haha! I know you still have feelings, but try pretending that you don't know him. (Play along with me, okay?) A. You know he's a married man. B. You know just how painful and self-limiting it is to get involved with MM. C. Given your hard-won experience with MM, what do you do? *Game show music loops in the background* Times up: What is the correct way to respond to a MM? :laugh: But you are right, I would feel stupid to make the same mistake AGAIN after everything I went though before. I tell you, I could not handle that severe depression and grieving process again when I have progressed so well recently. I couldnt face going back to square one. Next time he calls I will pick up the phone though and hear him out, then I will say my piece: that I do really love him and had been wanting to contact him myself for a while but didnt through fear of rejection/his W stumbling upon the message or whatever, and be truthfull about the amount of pain I had been through due to him. But that if he cannot offer me what I deserve/need then to please just leave me alone now as its pointless calling me out of the blue and getting me all upset/giving me false hope.
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Next time he calls I will pick up the phone though and hear him out, then I will say my piece: that I do really love him and had been wanting to contact him myself for a while but didnt through fear of rejection/his W stumbling upon the message or whatever, and be truthfull about the amount of pain I had been through due to him. But that if he cannot offer me what I deserve/need then to please just leave me alone now as its pointless calling me out of the blue and getting me all upset/giving me false hope. You do what you have to do. Of course. I still think ignoring him is the best thing you can do. He'll probably leave another message and/or a voicemail. You'll soon know why he's calling, without have a 2-way chat. Gotta say that I'm also amused imagining you getting up the nerve to tell that MF-er off and demand he stay the hell away from you!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 This is a VERY important self-disclosure! I acknowledge you for being brave enough to admit it. I'll try to be gentle in confronting it. What you're describing is called "euphoric recall." You are giving yourself a potent biochemical fix by conjuring up fantasies of xMM. Drug addicts who've quit, but not actually gone into recovery do this too. What usually happens next with them, is that the fantasy hit starts feeling less potent, and the desire for the real thing increases until they have a SLIP. You might want to see a therapist, hypnotheripist, or EMDR practitioner to un-hook your sexual/emotional wiring from images of xMM. Until you kick that habit, you're not going to heal and you're not going to be available to a NEW and BETTER partner. (Alternatively, some people go out and have rebound sex with someone else (who's safe) to break the sexual bond with the ex.) And dammit, I don't know how they do it, but ex's are uncannily accurate at showing up right when we're close to a slip! Yes that seems to make sense - its like I cannot think about sex without thinking about him as well! It has been a nightmare because I wish I didn't feel this way, that I could think about someone else when Im fantasizing! When I told this to a friend she was horrified - it means I am associating him with pleasure when I should be doing the opposite considering everything I went through. Remember I said on here a few months ago I had a liason with a friend which did temporarily break that sexual bond with MM but then that didn't go any further (his decision) and now me and that guy are no longer friends. The sexual attachment never really disappeared completely but became strong again after said friend I have been extra vulnerable in recent weeks - I had one of my routine eye appointments which always makes me very upset for a few days after (I have a sight threatening eye disease which I go to quarterly appointments for, and when MM lived here he was always there for me when I worried about my eyes) then hearing upsetting things on the news making me think lifes too short and reminding me how much MM still means to me. And dammit, I don't know how they do it, but ex's are uncannily accurate at showing up right when we're close to a slip! - yes I agree with this wholeheartedly!
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I have been extra vulnerable in recent weeks - ... I remember that you and I were similar in that we both met our MM at a time if intense stress and vulnerability! It would be good to remember though that while MM made you feel good for those moments you were together, overall, he set you back. Your self esteem plummeted. You nearly lost your job. You lost many nights sleep and shed countless tears. Now, you've turned much of that around. I predict if you keep going forward, facing your fears, going towards what LOOKS like being more alone, that you're going to end up in the arms of the man of your dreams. Keep on walking! It's probably not far at all. That euphoric recall connection can easily be fixed. But you MUST stop indulging in it. I'm only a month out of my relationship and started noticing where I wanted to pull up those strong feelings again. Fortunately, my feelings of anger kicked in. All I have to do is think about him abandoning my kitten and I want to pound on that guy! It also helps to remind myself that the feelings of love I felt are MINE. Yes, we shared it, but at the end of the day, I get to pack up my ability to feel love and have great sex and KEEP IT. HB, I get such a strong intuition that there's someone new in your near future. Don't waste time with a relapse. Keep going forward.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 The fact that he is still married trumps anything he could possibly have to say to you. Unless, of course you are content with just being OW.
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 The fact that he is still married trumps anything he could possibly have to say to you. Amen......
sugarmomma Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 You are doing good but I would not speak to him. In fact I would get my number changed and emailed cancelled. You have to look forward to your future and believe that you will find someone to love you exclusively. Ask yourself "what is it about me that can love a person that has treated me so disrespectfully and vile"? I think you should focus more on loving yourself by staying away from him because he knows that he can just "make the call" and you will be right back at square one. You are the most important person in this situation and you should treat yourself as such. My husband abandoned me like that and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would never take him back and I still have love in my heart for him. best sex I ever had but so what, my dignity and self esteem were at stake. Good Luck!!!
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 My husband abandoned me like that and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would never take him back and I still have love in my heart for him. best sex I ever had but so what, my dignity and self esteem were at stake. You are quite clearly, an emotionally healthy woman, making wise decisions to safeguard and respect yourself. I applaud you.
jj33 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Heartbroken. You know hes not good for you. You know he has nothing to offer you, other than a visit when he is in the country or maybe he is coming back and you could be his bit on the side again.... still nothing. What happens with these people is that you want to get it "right". You have the euphoric recall that WS mentioned and you tell yourself that yes he can be the man you want him to be and that if only if only you had the chance to be together properly, he would be the man you believe he could be. He cant. Because he isnt that man. If he were, he would NEVER have treated you the way that he did. You are feeling vulnerable and alone and its nice to believe that our knight is out there. That we have met him and loved him and that with only a few little changes (like him leaving his wife and having a partial lobotomy) happiness could be yours. And your dreams would come true. Its a fantasy. Married or not, there is no reason for appalling behavior like the behavior this man showed to you. Hes a bad seed no matter what his good qualities or the good times you had together. The problem isnt that he is married. The problem (as with so many of these men) is that he is who he is. Nothing he can say is going to change that (short of I am leaving my wife checking into a clinic for extensive therapy to deal with my NPD and wil contact you when I am out ). Even then its a longshot he is such a narcissist that its hard to believe he would change all that much. Vulnerable as you are feeling. Find another dream of happiness. This has been and will only be a nightmare. Dont speak to him, you know he will draw you back in emotioanlly and a part of you wants that. But its the worst thing you could do to yourself. You have been so strong keep it up. Edited to add: I struggled with having to be in contact with xMM for a long time. If he moved far far away it would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. You have been given a gift having him so far away. Hes not in your face you dont run into him. Its just a phone ringing. You have the power to keep him totally out of your life. You need to care about yourself enough to exercise that power and not fall back into the comfort of thinking things could be different. They wont. hes proven that to you time and time again.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 But then he *could* be calling to tell me he wants to be with me, if so that would make me very happy right now. Please put this thought out of your head..He left without telling you he was moving away, he's treated you like a piece of crap - That isn't someone who was/is planning on leaving his wife and kids to be with you..I bet he's calling to see if you're still into him, seeing if you're willing to have an EA with him, long distance.. AKA the affair addicting drama and dynamtic. Do you really want to be the OW long distance and feed this guys selfish ego? Please block him on your email address and continue to ignore his calls. YOUR silence will speak volumes and maybe he'll get the hint and leave you alone. I know that isnt' what you truly want, but what you 'want' you can't have..
Athena Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I bet he's calling to see if you're still into him, seeing if you're willing to have an EA with him, long distance.. AKA the affair addicting drama and dynamtic. Exactly -- he is in need of a little ego-boosting and remembered you now, after all the fun and excitement of moving there, unpacking, settling in at work, and sightseeing... now he's a little bored and wants his ego stroked. He presumes you will have no problem doing that for him.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 i agree with the fact that this contact is driven by his need to feed his ego. it is all selfishly driven by him to be sure you are still hanging around thinking about him - but also to be sure that you understand your position and that you stay in the same place he wants. manipulation! self centered! a man who will betray over and over just to satisfy his ego - at any cost. are those qualities you desire in the man you love? as a healthy minded gal, i would think not. think long and hard about any contact - it would only set you back to square one with your progress you've made so far.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 What does he want? Given the thoughtful nature of your post, I'm surprised at the question. He wants a little something on the side, a disposable temp worker to stroke his ego and loins. Are you looking to be re-hired for the position? Mr. Lucky
KismetGirl Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Last time I wrote on here it was to say I found out MM had moved to another country without even telling me despite him calling me randomly at the end of November '08 just prior to leaving. Crazy. Well I had not heard anything at all since then but on Monday this week I just couldn't believe my eyes when I had an email from him in my inbox, it was only brief but with a nice tone asking how I was and if he could call me, he put a kiss at the end of it. I was so shaken up I felt ill for a few hours after reading it. But kind of happy that he had made contact, I had been missing him alot of late and for the last few weeks wanted to actually email HIM saying wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I love him. There have been things on the news recently that got to me and made me think life is too short and if you love someone then let them know - so it's like he read my mind by emailing me first! Anyway, I resisted the urge to email back and thought if he's going to call he will call. Yesterday I had a missed call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize, Googled the code and it was from the foreign city he's now living in! Again I was very shaken up from that, he hadn't left a voicemail or anything though. Well today I was out shopping in the mall and that same number starts calling again, I did not have the balls to answer so ignored it and let it go to answerphone, my heart beating really fast with nerves and shock. This time he left a voicemail saying it's him and he will try calling me again. What does he want? I thought I would never hear from him again. He moved to a city the other side of the world without even telling me and he doesn't know I know - so if he's there what is he calling me for cos its not like we can hook up or anything. When he calls again Im very tempted to answer so I can find out what he wants. I don't know whether I should let on that I'm aware he's living there as I found that out through snooping at something I shouldn't have, but then he has not attempted to disguise the number he's calling from - I guess he could claim to just be there on vacation or something. But seriously though I want to answer in case he is calling to tell me something I might want to hear, but then again what if it's just to stir up my feelings for him? I know you must be thrilled to be hearing from him, but I'd be wary if I was you heartbroken. He may be visiting back in the UK soon (that's where you live right? Or if im wrong, wherever it is that you live), so maybe he is going to be in town soon, for business, or visiting family or friends, and wants to hook up while he's in town. If that is the case, I would seriously not do it. I know you'd be tempted, but what would you gain? A potential one night stand before he flies off to his family on the other side of the world again? I guess there's always the chance he's calling to tell you he decided to leave his wife, but thats probably unlikely....and even if it was, I'd still be wary. I think its best that you do not respond. If its that important, he'll leave you a voicemail about what he's calling about, or write you another email. I think you shoudl retain the NC you've been doing. Do you remember how badly you responded to all this? Getting physically sick from the effects of the affair on you and your mental state? The guy used you and then dumped you without so much as the courtesy of coming to speak to you and explain himself. Remember that when you feel the urge to see him again. Im writing this response without reading all the other answers first, but hopefully im not missing something! Guess i'll find out when i have a chance to read the rest of the thread ;-)
jnj express Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I do not know your past history with this guy, but from what i am reading why would you want to re-open this liason. Is he going to leave his W., and kids for you. Is he going to return to where you live to be with you. Even a quick trip for a short period of time leaves you messed up when he again leaves you. Lets talk about pain---he has caused you much pain, but have you ever thought about the pain you will cause his wife and kids, if you allow him to reopen the liason, and something comes from it. You know what he wants he wants to reopen contact with you, for whatever reason. Do yourself and this guys wife and children a big favor and ignore him. Do not answer him in any way shape or form.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 ...dead end. move on. have your own family and your own kids, this is madness, He moved to get away from you, he doesnt want you!!!!!
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Aww Chromie, you didn't have to change your Avatar just b/c of the knife comment...
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Aww Chromie, you didn't have to change your Avatar just b/c of the knife comment... LMao... I needed something MORE menacing.
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