carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Haven't reached that point yet, and don't have a lifelong relationship to draw experience from, but IME the people I've known seemed to be vital, invested and healthy people. My mom had no serious issues living on beyond my father's death (one marriage, 32 years) but she did grieve the emptiness for a good five years. We restored a couple of houses to work through that grief and then she was fine. No interest in men again, though. I'll continue my thoughts later. In the middle of work over at my mom's house.
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Why not? I can walk away from anyone and anything, if I'm not being treated right. That's easy. But can you walk away from someone and something where you are being treated just right all the time, and it feels amazing?
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Sometimes people invest everything into another person, making that person their reason for living. I don't think this is healthy. Is there any other reason for living that's better? We all end up as worm food in the end, after all.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 That's easy. But can you walk away from someone and something where you are being treated just right all the time, and it feels amazing?I could do it but why would I, if it's a healthy relationship? It's pure choice to stay or go.
porter218 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I could do it but why would I, if it's a healthy relationship? It's pure choice to stay or go. To stay or to go is a completely different animal from to love or not to love. Myself and my grandmother are 2 separate examples of that. My grandmother loved her H dearly but he was cheating on her (1950's) so she packed her 5 kids up in the 60's and moved them all south never to look back again. She never once stopped wearing her rings or stopped loving him....she just stopped being with him. To this day (now in her mid 90's) he has been the love of her life. He died about 15yrs ago, the H of the OW at that time. I love my H with all my heart yet I promise on everything I love that I will never take him back. I know that even if I move on I will always love him in a way that nobody can replace... but it doesn't mean that I have to stay with him.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 To stay or to go is a completely different animal from to love or not to love. Myself and my grandmother are 2 separate examples of that. My grandmother loved her H dearly but he was cheating on her (1950's) so she packed her 5 kids up in the 60's and moved them all south never to look back again. She never once stopped wearing her rings or stopped loving him....she just stopped being with him. To this day (now in her mid 90's) he has been the love of her life. He died about 15yrs ago, the H of the OW at that time. I love my H with all my heart yet I promise on everything I love that I will never take him back. I know that even if I move on I will always love him in a way that nobody can replace... but it doesn't mean that I have to stay with him. porter, I thought I could never stop loving my husband, until I caught him cheating. Then I made a personal decision to stop loving him and within six months, I did it. It's your choice to hold your H in your heart forever or not. You can change that if you really want to.
CommitmentPhobe Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I can't help but wonder........the feeling love can give.....is it a kind of insanity? I'm two years in and STILL feel the exact same way I first did when I 'fell in love' which I think is relatively unusual. The high love gives, the way you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, can't function without them - is it all a kind of insanity, albeit a pleasurable one? Yes! The high, the sickness, lack of sleep and eat is due to the levels of Dopamine, Norepinephrine and Serotonin increasing when you are in love leading to a temporary state of insanity. Similar to taking a dosage of cocaine and ecstasy. We are wired to respond chemically like this when we are attracted to someone we love. Attachments to each other are formed via Oxytocin. Oxytocin is released during orgasm and is thought to promote bonding between humans. (Also found in breast milk for example)
CommitmentPhobe Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 If love isn't a choice, how are people capable of moving on with their lives, when breakup or divorce happen? Logically speaking, you would always hold that person in your heart, leaving no room for anyone else, which does happen in an unhealthy, lifelong obsession, but not often. It's like giving up nicotine and replacing it with something else (sometimes someone else, sometimes something like sport, perhaps even alcohol - breaking up is difficult after all) I do think you can choose to walk away from it, but I don't think this is opposed to love altering your state of mind when you experience it. Perhaps your choice is whether you keep that person around and allow them to have that effect on you. Perhaps you have to be open to allowing them to have that effect on you.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 It's like giving up nicotine and replacing it with something else (sometimes someone else, sometimes something like sport, perhaps even alcohol - breaking up is difficult after all) I do think you can choose to walk away from it, but I don't think this is opposed to love altering your state of mind when you experience it. Perhaps your choice is whether you keep that person around and allow them to have that effect on you. Perhaps you have to be open to allowing them to have that effect on you. Yes, those are the exact two things I mean. You choose to let them in and then you choose to keep loving them or walk away.
CommitmentPhobe Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, those are the exact two things I mean. You choose to let them in and then you choose to keep loving them or walk away. Maybe then, Love is a rational choice to permit insanity. I really like that definition
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Maybe then, Love is a rational choice to permit insanity. I really like that definition I like it too! Well done.
porter218 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 porter, I thought I could never stop loving my husband, until I caught him cheating. Then I made a personal decision to stop loving him and within six months, I did it. It's your choice to hold your H in your heart forever or not. You can change that if you really want to. I really disagree with you. I have loved before I met my H and I know that I felt like I wouldn't love again after them but that feeling is nothing like how I feel now. I know it is possible for me to love again, but I do know that I will never stop loving my H. Even when I hate him I still love him in the same breath. I am not saying that I am having trouble moving on...not at all. I am happy to move on with my life. That love is always going to be there. I don't choose to love him. The brain has no influence over matters of the heart.
CandyGirlXO Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I'm two years in and STILL feel the exact same way I first did when I 'fell in love Yeah I have felt that way once... Then out of the blue he left me. That was 5 years ago, and I still get sad over it. But I am in a new relationship, scared of course to get too close. Insane indeed. It really is. Even the smartest people I know make dumb decisions when it comes to love.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I really disagree with you. I have loved before I met my H and I know that I felt like I wouldn't love again after them but that feeling is nothing like how I feel now. I know it is possible for me to love again, but I do know that I will never stop loving my H. Even when I hate him I still love him in the same breath. I am not saying that I am having trouble moving on...not at all. I am happy to move on with my life. That love is always going to be there. I don't choose to love him. The brain has no influence over matters of the heart. I think if you truly love someone, you can never truly stop. But I don't think many people experience a completely unconditional love. By unconditional, I don't mean that they could cheat, beat you up, spit in your face - and you'd still be with them. I mean someone that could cheat, beat you up, spit in your face, do almost ANYTHING to you, and you could leave, but STILL, for some reason, you STILL love them. Obviously that's an extreme example but I think love, once activated, cannot be switched off. It's like parents who have children who are murderers or do something terrible. You can say, I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you, sometimes you can hate them, but at the same time, YOU LOVE THEM, and there's logic or rationality to why or what you love about them. You just do. And that in itself can drive you mad. Trial by Fire - you gave me something to think about when you said that all the signs are there, but you ultimately choose to fall. I partially believe in that. Maybe in my experience I was just too 'weak' to stop myself falling. I am unsure....
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Is there any other reason for living that's better? We all end up as worm food in the end, after all. I have to agree. People say to have a life outside love but I think everything else is merely filling time just so that you do have some kind of life outside of love, because you're meant to. I think life should only be about what you love; people, nature, animals - things that actually exist and breathe and suffer, should always be the key priority I think.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Why not? I can walk away from anyone and anything, if I'm not being treated right. Can't you? If you can't, you're not putting enough willpower into moving on or you're in a codependent relationship. From your description, I think it to be the latter. When love becomes an addiction of the magnitude of a major crack cocaine addiction, where you'll kill to get it, it's time to step back a little. Thats so true..
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