Cassandra1 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 :(Hi, I have a problem. My husband and I both married late in our lives. We are both in are thirties. I am in my mid thirties and he is late thirties. We dated for a very very long time before he finally decided that we get married. So I am quite disappointed now with the (yet another) issue we have. I want to have a family and prior to getting married he also wanted kids so I thought great! but since we got married, I have been thinking that having a family is now or never because I am getting old and so is he. Whenever I bring up this issue about lets get intimate and have fun while trying to get married, he always seem to have some excuse about being too tired etc... A women only has a certain time in the month where she is ovulating and after that getting pregnant gets even harder so that open window of time that we have, we should have sex. When he does comply he always asks me 'why are you so desperate to have a baby' DUH... I am 36... and why not.. Its causing considerable stress on me as I feel so frustrated. I feel as if my husband betrayed me with his lies of wanting a family and now that it could happen if he would try, its not happening. I don't think its fair. I mean now I know why he waited soooo long to marry me because he wasn't too worried about wanting to have kids. He gave me a speech just now saying that we both are too old. He said think of the kids and how old we will be!! yes I understand that but I mean we are not that old!! If we try now and on a consistent basis then its still possible within this year. I know that some couples don't want to have kids and both are aware of this but now that my last chance is here, he isn't being compliant with me... does he even love me??? He makes up these excuses or am I misunderstanding what he is saying to me??? COuld someone please give me an honest advice here. I am so sad right now and so frustrated with him. I don't know what to do with this now. Cassandra
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 First of all i'd like to say i'm sorry! It's a horrible thing when you want something so much that is at odds with what your partner wants. Firstly, we can all offer as much advice as we can, but we don't truly know the mind of your partner. You need to communicate with him openly if possible. If it sounds like an excuse, say it feels like one, and say how important it is for you to have a family and how you thought he wanted the same, and that if he does not, it is important you know that NOW and that his honesty is crucially important for your own happiness and well-being. No more excuses or dilly-dathering - just honesty and truth. Is the issues of children a deal breaker for you? As in if it becomes apparant that your husband does not want children, would you divorce him or be with him regardless? Many couples have to make this decision; between marriage and children (the two don't necessarily come together). There is no right or wrong answer. But if you would deeply regret not having children and grow to resent him for depriving you of them (as it already sounds as though you are feeling misled) then your decision may seem very clear. Is it possible for you to adopt, if it is no longer possible for you to naturally have children?
EllieBean Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I don't think adoption is anything like having your own kids If I was married to your husband, I'd be angry too. It sounds like he doesn't want children at all - you're both of a reasonable age to have kids - my partner is 40 and we still plan to have kids in the future! You need to talk to him and find out why he's so set against having kids, and you need him to tell you honestly if he ever wants them or not. If he wants them, you start trying now - and if he doesn't, you decide whether you want marriage or kids more. Personally, if my husband said he didn't want kids I'd leave him, because having kids is very important to me. But don't let this issue drag on, because your fertility won't last forever.
Author Cassandra1 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Thank you for your advice. I have thought about seperation from him. I feel like its so unfair what he is doing to me. One day he says okay we will have kids and he will say it grudgingly and the next day he will say that he doesn't think I can have kids and honestly its driving me mad! The stress of this has caused me to lose sleep and weight. He knows how much I want to have kids... he was the one who waited SO long to get married and he blames me and said we could have had a baby years ago. Sorry but I am traditional and believe that children come after marriage not the other way around. I told him its his fault for waiting so long to marry me. Now he blames me and says that I am grumpy now and that we don't get along so its not right to bring kids into this world.... Honestly I don't understand. So it does seem like he doesn't want to have kids. I know he is a very selfish man.. from the beginning since we started dating years ago... but I thought he would change. I think he is too selfish of a person to have kids. Selfish people don't want kids and its sad that I waited all these years for him and now I find out that he doesn't want the same things as me. Is divorce something I should consider?? or am I being unreasonable?
EllieBean Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Although it perhaps isn't the best approach, you don't need his permission to get pregnant - "accidents happen" after all. Some guys who didn't really want kids actually love them once they arrive. But seriously, he obviously doesn't want kids with you, so you need to decide where your priorities lie. I don't think it's unreasonable to divorce someone on the basis that you want kids and they don't, and if he saw that you were serious about breaking off your relationship because he doesn't want kids, perhaps he might change his mind?
tyhbvf Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 :(Hi, I have a problem. My husband and I both married late in our lives. We are both in are thirties. I am in my mid thirties and he is late thirties. We dated for a very very long time before he finally decided that we get married. So I am quite disappointed now with the (yet another) issue we have. I want to have a family and prior to getting married he also wanted kids so I thought great! but since we got married, I have been thinking that having a family is now or never because I am getting old and so is he. Whenever I bring up this issue about lets get intimate and have fun while trying to get married, he always seem to have some excuse about being too tired etc... A women only has a certain time in the month where she is ovulating and after that getting pregnant gets even harder so that open window of time that we have, we should have sex. When he does comply he always asks me 'why are you so desperate to have a baby' DUH... I am 36... and why not.. Its causing considerable stress on me as I feel so frustrated. I feel as if my husband betrayed me with his lies of wanting a family and now that it could happen if he would try, its not happening. I don't think its fair. I mean now I know why he waited soooo long to marry me because he wasn't too worried about wanting to have kids. He gave me a speech just now saying that we both are too old. He said think of the kids and how old we will be!! yes I understand that but I mean we are not that old!! If we try now and on a consistent basis then its still possible within this year. I know that some couples don't want to have kids and both are aware of this but now that my last chance is here, he isn't being compliant with me... does he even love me??? He makes up these excuses or am I misunderstanding what he is saying to me??? COuld someone please give me an honest advice here. I am so sad right now and so frustrated with him. I don't know what to do with this now. Cassandra He only married you for the sex and companionship so he wouldn't be lonely. If he doesn't want kids then why would you WANT to have kids with a man who doesn't WANT to be a father? So the kid can be neglected?! Face the facts and do not use your imagination to believe that a kid will change him. Divorce him and find a man that truly wants a baby. I know, I know.... you are AFRAID of being on your own again.
doushenka Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Okay. I know you want a baby really badly. Please do NOT trick your spouse into conceiving one with you. It is not different when it's your own; he'll resent it and probably leave you. Do you love him more than the prospect of kids? Decide and act accordingly. If you love him more, stay with him. If no kids is your deal-breaker, well, break the deal. You'll be miserable otherwise.
PinkKittyKat Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Are you willing to give up a great relationship just for the chance of having a kid with some other random guy? Is any random baby better than no relationship at all? Although it perhaps isn't the best approach, you don't need his permission to get pregnant - "accidents happen" after all. Some guys who didn't really want kids actually love them once they arrive. Wow, don't do this. "Oopsing" is the worst thing ever. So it does seem like he doesn't want to have kids. I know he is a very selfish man.. from the beginning since we started dating years ago... but I thought he would change. I think he is too selfish of a person to have kids. Selfish people don't want kids and its sad that I waited all these years for him and now I find out that he doesn't want the same things as me. Please don't assume that "selfish people don't want kids". Maybe he just doesn't want them. As someone who is childfree and has to put up with quite a lot of nasty comments like this, maybe you should examine how selfish YOU are being. Why should he be compliant? Because it's what YOU want? How does it get any more selfish than that?
Enema Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You should break up. He doesn't want kids. You might be able to pressure, wheedle or force him into agreeing to have kids - but will his heart really be in it? No. Do the potential kids a favour and make sure they're not stuck with an unwilling parent because of your selfish desire to have kids at any cost. Find a man that does want them. Oh and another vote to the many here that say EllieBean's advice is terrible and should not be considered.
Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 First... more and more women have their babies in their 30s now days.. after they finish their studies and usually at the start of their career.. so... that being said.. I have to add this: you said that you dated a long time before you got married and HE WAS AGREEING to have kids.. then you got married... and now he doesn't want to... He is a RAT!!!! Leave him.. ASAP... I say you are waaayyy better to have a kid than a relationship with a selfish SoB... who can't honour his promise... This was a fraudulent way for him to get you... You probably will NEVER be happy with him anyway... knowing what he did. I say give him an ultimatum (I am usually against those) but in this case, you don't have much choice IMO.. have a child or he's out.. If he says no.. leave.. get yourself someone else or get inseminated... but have a BABY!!!! You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.. trust me.. A child you have for all your life... a jerk like that.. only for a few years..... most marriage ends in divorce anyway..
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