Can an introvert be with an extravert....without clashing??

[DragonSlayer]

I'm curious about what some of you think.

 

OK, I'm an introvert. Although I have certain social anxieties, in general if you met me you may not consider me shy, and I can hold my own at cocktail parties, business settings etc. However, I am reserved and really like my time alone to play guitar, read, work on my computer, car or just think. People generally like me and find me warm and easy to get along with, but I don't gravitate toward having lots of friends and socializing. In fact, socializing kind of wears me out, and I long for my "alone time' where I can recharge and do the things I really like to do. I've always usually had only one best friend that I spent the majority of my time with and that has always been my wife for the past 15 years.

 

My wife (we're now separated) is an extrovert. Although she has some of her own social anxieties (I guess everyone does), she gravitates toward making connections with people (and maintaining them) and being with friends in social settings and loves the idea of knowing that she has dozens of friends. OTOH, it seems that for her, being alone is very uncomfortable and makes her anxious. She does not do hobbies, fix things, etc. She gets recharged from being around people, talking on the phone, etc.

 

So, we're opposites.

 

The problem is that my wife thinks that me wanting to spend time alone and not wanting to have lots of friends is a HUGE character flaw and it really drives her nuts. And she makes it clear how she feels, and does not respect me because of this. It became a huge problem in our relationship eventually.

 

Obviously not all extroverts share my wife's views, but most people want to be extroverts...it seems to make life easier in love, friendship, and business. Who really wants to be reserved, quiet, withdrawn, shy, etc? Of course many famous writers, artists, musicians, scientists, psychologists, and even actors have these characteristics, so there is a place for us.

 

Anyways, I've been individually visiting a psychologist who last saw my wife and me when we were at the final stages of our marriage. I've been talking a lot to her about my personality and she recently told me that I need to be with an introvert. I was very surprised at how adamant she was about this since we all know that opposites attract. It caught me off guard.

 

I often see couples where one person is more outgoing/assertive whereas the other may be a little withdrawn or passive, and I've even learned to expect this sort of matchup, thinking that two extroverts would rip each other to pieces and two introverts would never communicate or get out and do anything.

 

Typically my friends are always more extroverted than me (I like extroverts) and my GFs before my wife (in high school) were extroverted. I'm not sure what it would even be like being with an introvert. Where do you even meet them? We're always by ourselves?

 

So, if you're still with me, I guess my question is: Do you personally have experience being with someone of your "type" and agree that it's a "must" for two E's to be together and tow I's to be together? Or have you been with an "opposite" for a LTR and found that "your type" just works much better?

 

Thanks for your thoughts :-)

 

DS

[EllieBean]

I don't think you have to be with the same type of person as you, but perhaps your relationship might rub along a bit easier. I'm a fairly quiet person, and when I dated an extrovert I've found that it took a lot of the social pressure off me because my OH sparkled and I could just tag along, and he would introduce me to people I wouldn't otherwise have met. But he always wanted to be out and about, and I liked to spend my time more quietly, so I guess we didn't fit together so well. My current bf is introverted like me, and it works because we like to stay at home and read, and go out for walks, and have quiet dinners on our own.

[Tony T]

This story on the latest research about opposites attracting just came out yesterday. Enjoy: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29918403/

[Trialbyfire]

I've dated both like and non-like types. The more alike, the more viable and EASY, the relationship has been.

 

When two people have too many dissimilarities, there's conflict, thereby creating that drama-coaster effect of lower-lows, feeding the need for higher-highs. It can spark passion in the short-term but sooner or later, one party is going to say "nuff of this" and move on.

[Nikki Sahagin]

My boyfriend is an extrovert and i'm more of an introvert. I am at times more extroverted; I can be very hyper, witty, 'childish', loud, etc, though generally I am introverted. At times it causes problems; he wants to be out and about and thrives on it and I find it all a bit threatening or juvenile....but I think you can also be 'too alike'. It may make it 'easier' but easier can also be boring. You can't help who you love. Opposites can often compliment and attract. I suppose it would only clash if one was a COMPLETE homebody and the other had wild dreams of travel etc. THAT would cause problems. But though i'm introverted, my boyfriend inspires me to have adventures so in that way he speeds me up and I can teach him to appreciate a slower pace to life and slow him down. Alternatively there are times where i'm the social butterfly and he is the more quiet one. I suppose an introvert might 'get' you more, but I don't think you should judge who you fall for on that. You can learn a lot from those different from you.

[mental_traveller]

Yes, they definitely can. I'm an introvert and I had a long relationship with a ridiculously extrovert woman, she would make friends in minutes with total strangers, it was quite good fun because we'd always meet new people. It was also a breeze to plan things because she'd always be on for trying something new. We would never run out of anything to say, and it was great fun during the good parts, unfortunately she had too much drama so I ended it eventually.

 

IMO an introvert/extrovert match can work extremely well as long as other factors are there.

 

However, I would say in your case the marriage is doomed. The central reason is that your wife *doesn't like your introversion*. Most women I've dated are extroverts and they all liked the way I was, they didn't want me to be an outgoing happy clappy superficial moron like most extroverts are (joking).

 

Your wife, to put it frankly, is ignorant and narrow-minded and you would be better off without her. If she is smoking hot, great in bed, and good fun otherwise, then *maybe* it would be worth sending her some articles on introverts and see if she will understand. But if she would understand, she wouldn't be giving you crap for your inherent nature. I say ditch the dumb broad.

[lovebubble]

my husband is an introvert and i am more of an extravert and this contributes to alot of our marital issues, i believe.

 

i don't think there is a problem being oposits. if you and your wife bond when you are together, i don't see the fact that you choose to spend your apart time differently a big deal.

 

my problem is that husband is controlling as far as trying to make me more of an introvert and keep me from friends and family, let alone meeting new friends.

 

if you wife has the freedom to be who she wants, i don't see why end the marriage because of it? okay you don't enjoy the same activities 100%. you are two individuals.. of course, you are married but there are still going to be individual needs that need to be met. i hope your wife comes to her sences.

[DragonSlayer]

Well, my wife is controlling, manipulative and abusive. That's why the marriage is going to end...it's not just the opposite personality type thing. And I have my share of issues too. It's not all her.

 

The fact that we're different socially adds to it, I guess. Basically it comes down to respect. My wife does not respect people who don't have a lot of friends or those who don't want to socialize a lot . She also thinks it's downright selfish to spend time doing things by yourself. Playing guitar, listening to music, building something, etc...to her those are all "loner" activities and are signs of weakness and selfishness. My hobbies (guitar, learning spanish, cars, music, computers, learning in general) were considered "nonsense" to quote her. That's when it becomes a problem. We've been over it many many times over the years...she considers sports nonsense too...so I'm not sure what kind of man she'd be happy with.

 

Extraverts are more social, obviously, and they probably do more for people and may be "valued" more by others because of that, but extraverts get something back from their social interactions...it's what recharges and comforts them. It often even feeds their self esteem...or maybe even makes up for the lack of it. So the social interaction is often for them just as the alone time is for the introvert.

 

In general, I think we value outgoing and social personalities. Shyness, passivity, awkwardness, introversion, social anxiety, etc are all viewed as "problems" or negative personality traits....something many may even take a pill to address. Who wouldn't want to be more confident and gregarious? Of course, on the other hand, no one says they'd like to be less social, more introverted, and a little more awkward at times.

 

Again, as far as two people relating it comes down to respect and understanding, I guess. The psychologist I met with summed up what the article in Tony T's post described. Basically I's and E's can attract strongly, but they pull at each other...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, everone....

[serial muse]

Extraverts are more social, obviously, and they probably do more for people and may be "valued" more by others because of that, but extraverts get something back from their social interactions...it's what recharges and comforts them. It often even feeds their self esteem...or maybe even makes up for the lack of it. So the social interaction is often for them just as the alone time is for the introvert.

 

In general, I think we value outgoing and social personalities. Shyness, passivity, awkwardness, introversion, social anxiety, etc are all viewed as "problems" or negative personality traits....something many may even take a pill to address. Who wouldn't want to be more confident and gregarious? Of course, on the other hand, no one says they'd like to be less social, more introverted, and a little more awkward at times.

 

Again, as far as two people relating it comes down to respect and understanding, I guess. The psychologist I met with summed up what the article in Tony T's post described. Basically I's and E's can attract strongly, but they pull at each other...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, everone....

 

Sounds like your ex was just not the sort of person who could see others' points of view...I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's about respect. You definitely don't need to be married to someone who tells you you're wrong for being who you are. Ugh.

 

I've been on both sides - many of my friends are extroverts, and my exH was an extrovert (I'm an introvert). But although it's always worked well with friends, I did feel like it was an issue with the ex. I'm not sure respect was at the heart of it, but we didn't seem to understand each other very well in the end. There's a lot more to it than the I/E divide, though. We just had other communication issues, and the I/E thing was one of many differences we had.

 

Anyway. I'm now with an introvert, and it has its own set of issues. I've taken on more of the "E" role, in terms of planning outings and things, and while on the one hand I feel like it's probably good for me, it also puts me out of my comfort zone more often than I think I totally prefer. It'd be nice, from time to time, to rest back and let someone more socially energetic take the reins, you know? So it has its ups and downs.

 

But ultimately, I don't think it makes sense to say you need to be with someone who's like you in that respect. There are many, many other factors that matter. Respect, in particular, is key - and the lack of it is what did in your relationship, it sounds like, not the I/E gap.

[DragonSlayer]

Yes, I agree. If you respect, accept, and understand each other, it really doesn't matter how different your personalities are.

 

I know what you mean about the planning and the comfort zone. My LT GF in high school was fairly passive. I always drove, planned, came up with ideas, etc. I'm not very good at it, and don't really enjoy it, but I can do it. I did like that when I met my wife, she took the reins for that kind of stuff. I'm a little anxious at times and having someone in control was kinda nice.

 

I can see that two I's may not get out and get things done. For me, and extravert tends to energize me, pull me out of my shell, and can help me build more confidence. I guess, like anything, it takes the right one to make it work well...

[jasmine5904]

I know what you mean about the planning and the comfort zone. My LT GF in high school was fairly passive. I always drove, planned, came up with ideas, etc. I'm not very good at it, and don't really enjoy it, but I can do it. I did like that when I met my wife, she took the reins for that kind of stuff. I'm a little anxious at times and having someone in control was kinda nice.

 

I've had the same kind of experience. I'm an introvert, and when I was dating another introvert, I always felt pressured to make the decisions and take the lead in the relationship, and wasn't really comfortable with it. Our relationship was, to put it bluntly, pretty boring.

 

Now I'm engaged to an extravert, and it's really nice to be able to sit back and let him take the lead in social settings. Our personalities tend to compliment each other well - it's like we balance each other out. I keep him grounded, and he brings me out of my shell.

[Inspector71]

My husband is EXTREMELY introverted and I'm extroverted. At times, yes, there are major problems. Mainly, he is such an extreme, that there are times when he doesn't want to be "bothered" by me talking to him, etc. I think that the best way to handle a situation is to not take your introversion to an extreme. You have to understand that by committing to a marriage, you are accepting them into your bubble- inviting them into your life. Having your own personal time is fine. But you can't be so introverted that you try to dictate when your wife can and can't speak to you, etc. At the same time, she has to respect that there are activities that you aren't going to feel comfortable with. If both parties are willing to reach a happy medium, I think it can work. But if one party clings too tightly to their introversion/extraversion, then it's not going to work.

[DragonSlayer]

Inspector71, it seems like it is causing some problems for you guys, and I can sense a tone that it's really bothering you. You're right, though. No extreme is good. He has to be emotionally available if he wants to be in a marriage. And dictating when someone can speak to you doesn't work either.

 

Yes, there has to be a middle ground.