lilyc Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I need to tell the full story so please bear with me I am 29 years old and married for the last two years. Our courtship was kinda unconventional. I met my husband five years back. online ....he lived in another state but it was overnight's journey from where i stayed...we used to meet up on weekends ....we were both very much in love and ecstatic to have found our soul mate ...i considered myself very lucky . 6 months after i met him , he was sent offshore on a project . He didn't want to go there alone and we decided to tie the knot. However when we told our folks , mine agreed grudgingly but his went ballistic and completely refused to accept the relationship .We come from different religious background and that was the bone of contention .We decided to give some time for things to cool off. Well that never happened ....4 months after he went offshore his brother( who also lived in the same country and was against this relationship) fell very sick and developed some schizophrenia like symptoms ..doc said he needed treatment and support of the family....i was really concerned and didn’t want to burden him with other worries .....so i didn’t insist on getting married then ....we continued our long distance relationship for the next two years. In these two years i was completely faithful to him ...i didn’t date anyone ...the high points of my days were when i got to talk to him ...we talked everyday , sometimes for hours . Our relationship actually grew stronger in these days. Like every couple we had our fights, pretty bad ones at times .When we did, it was always I who ended up reconciling. I started noticing a pattern - i was always the one to say sorry first even if it was not my fault. At that time i didn’t make much of it ...i said to myself "so what, he is already under immense pressure, let me not make it worse for him Just to clarify here ....i am a moderately attractive woman…. I was quite popular in school…..i had my share of boyfriends and in these years i kept getting approached by other men and colleagues. I don't know where i found the resolve but i managed to rebut these advances. I was very much in love with him and so was he. I had complete trust in him. We didn’t see each other for the next two years Even after two years, his folks had not come around. However his brother recovered and resumed his job. We decided to get married or rather i decided.....he called me everyday ...he used to say “you are my stress buster - just listening to your voice relieves me of all my worries". but whenever i approached the topic of marriage , he will become skittish and try to work his way around it. Or he will get in the offensive and ask of impossible things. My folks and friends started suggesting that probably he was not into me as much as i was. I was not convinced initially but when it went on for months, i finally snapped and told him i wanted to end the relationship. I told him 'it seems that i am the only one who wants a future for us together ...u ur folks, my folks ....everyone thinks this is not right for us so why pursue it ' ...when i said this he completely broke down and begged me to reconsider and not to leave .....he kept saying again and again that he was under a lot of stress ...coz of his brother, his parents , his career and i was his only source of joy in the gloom ....i couldn’t bear to see him pleading like that so i gave in .. Once i was placated, it started all over again .Like every girl i wanted a traditional wedding ...so did he. Because our parents disapproved of the relationship, we decided not to take their help . I would bear the cost of the wedding arrangements and he, the honeymoon. I single-handedly made all the arrangements- however whenever i went to him for advice, he tended to either disapprove, or mock , or avoid discussing altogether. I kept feeling something was amiss , how come he is not interested in the details of his own wedding .....then i convinced myself that this is how all men are like .He didn’t make any arrangements for honeymoon. It bothered me but i was too tied up in the wedding. The wedding happened all right . His folks didn’t attend, mine did . Our friends came , some who genuinely wanted to wish us well and some ( the naysayer) because they were still sceptical that we will go ahead with this After the wedding , i took a sabbatical from my job and joined him offshore ....we had a bittersweet time after that but the quarrelling and fighting stopped .I was happy , really happy that eventually everything had worked out perfect I felt very proud of myself , of him , of the strength of our bond , of our resilience , our integrity .....people kept telling us ‘we admire you…yours is the first long distance relationship we have seen work out’ Some days back, i was sifting through his inbox and chanced upon a three year old mail ...a thread ....in that he was chatting with a girl he had met online ...it was obvious that they had met on a dating site and this was a introductory mail trying to get to know each other ….this caught my attention and as I kept looking, I found 8 more girls. He met a couple of them. I realised that when he was offshore, he had tried to meet other women. Nothing had worked out but it was still bothersome. Last week I confronted him with this ….at first he denied but when I showed him the mails , he admitted but he insisted that these happened three years ago and that it meant nothing to him – he had just met these girls once or twice …….he was not serious about them . He insisted he had rejected them and not the other way round I was crying uncontrollably – he said that I was the one he loved and he was really happy that he had married me …..and that he loved me Since last week he has been apologising again and again …saying he regrets what happened …that he was a fool ….these are his exact words- I am pasting this from his mail yesterday "Love you, my darling.. you are the sweetest thing on this earth... I love you.. I really do.. You are my everything... I will do everything to keep you happy, and can't see you cry.. when you cry, it hurts me... Pls forgive me for all those.. I am sorry I have hurt you several times, and no way I can clear off those blunders... I don’t know …call me a puritan or whatever …I am not able to get over this ….the two years that we were together , they were very special for me ….they helped me realise a lot of things about myself , my character, mt strenghts, that I did not know existed...i had been with men before , the reason I fell in love with him in the first place was that he was the first and only man I met who was honest , comfortable with what he was and didn’t pretend ... but most of all because he didn’t know his way around women …it was important to me….i am a kind of honest and loyal person myself …I am not good at playing games and the one thing I cant take is the stress of playing relationship games. I don’t know …I just feel the foundation of the relationship is shattered ….that I will never be able to look back at those two years and feel happy and proud about it … I keep wondering what was in his mind when he approached these girls ….did he even give me a thought sideways…did he even respect me .....did he feel uncomfortable or guilty of cheating me Will I ever be able to come in terms with this humiliation Was I a fool to be such a angel for two years? was it worth going through all the pain and loneliness? i feel so small…I saw some snaps of these girls …frankly that depressed me even more …they are not even competition for me …its like if they were in school with me , they would not stand a chance …..had they been beautiful and sexy, probably I would have found some solace in the fact that he rejected such hots girls to be with me ….was I not gud enough …was I his Plan B….did he marry me cos after 2 years of searching and looking around for the right girl ...he ran out of excuses and he compromised to his fate and married me .......didnt I mean anything to him ….was there no love at all ... I wonder did he really think that I am worth so less ... I feel used and taken for granted ….i am hurting I don’t know what is the catharsis …I don’t know what to do …….the humiliation is killing me …please help me
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 (((hugs))) I can relate some with what you're going through. We weren't married, but an xBF cyber cheated (then actually cheated) on me before. It sounds like part of your pain is in wondering how much he wanted you, since you did most of the persuing. But I wouldn't get too hung up on that. There's just as many stories where the guy totally persued the W or GF and cheated. Maybe just try being in the present, and noticing the patterns in place here and now. See what you want to change. BTW, your post should be in the infidelity forum. This forum is for people who are a participant in an affair, not the betrayed parter. You can ask a mod to move it.
Author lilyc Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 yes you are right ....i am like new to this forum and don't know how to navigate all that well yet .....didnt even know this existed till yesterday ..... thank god it does i just wanted to talk to someone desperately .... having fought for him with everyone i know .....friends and family ...its like i can't go back and cry on their shoulders now ..... yes i feel more humiliated then hurt ....and i just want to give it back to him... when we started dating , he pursued me relentlessly....it was only after he conquered me that this started .... the problem is i still love him and i know he loves me .....i am seeing him repent everyday ...but its like now i dont know if its genuine repentance or insecurity of loosing me .... .....funny somewhere he knows i will forgive him i guess yesterday i was wondering , if just to make him go thru what i am going thru right now , just for the heck of it ...i will pretend that i am seeing someone .....i won't actually - i will just pretend to do so... not that i can't .... i am still quite attractive though i say so myself ..... he knows that pretty well ....i have seen him show me off to his colleagues many times and much too my discomfort .... he knows i am ......i just feel like rubbing it in ...i want to hurt him where it hurts .....he has taken me for granted for too long and i don't know i want to inflict the same hurt and pain that i am going thru .....i am am not sure if it will heal though hey ....thanks for listeneing
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