singlemarriedgirl Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 ok first off I do not want to hear how horrible of a person I am...with that said I have been married just over 5 years, to a husband that has never been jealous, he likes it that other men oogle me and thinks its completely fine for his/our, friends/co-workers/neighbors to call me sexy and flirt with me, he doesn't compliment me or make me feel like these other guys do, (who wouldn't get a self-esteem boost from it) he will agree with them when I'm talked about but he never says much to me my best friend whom is male always tells me that I am beautiful and tells me what he likes and doesn't like as far as what I'm wearing, the way my hair is fixed, etc. I know that my up bringing has made me one of those people who need to be validated by compliments and acknowledgement, as does my husband, this is just not the way he works, he thinks I should know I'm beautiful without having to be told, however my best friend makes me feel wonderful on the worst days when I have no makeup on and hair pulled up in a ponytail, we have been sleeping together off and on for over 7 months now and we have had our bouts of "this is wrong" "this is just for fun" and even dealt with falling for each other, we leveled back out to "just friends" then one day started sleeping together again, this time we were more open that if emotions get involved we have to stop, there is no kissing involved this time around, the sex is amazing and fills something that I am missing in my marriage, HE fills a lot of things that I am missing in my marriage I do love my husband, however he is more serious about things and has a hard time just laughing about life, my best friend and I have fun anywhere we go and can laugh through hard times, I think I would regret leaving my husband, and we have been close to seperation before and he vows to change (more compliments, sex not just under the covers in our room at night, more of a "friend" that does everyday stuff together) things are great for a few weeks and then it is back to me feeling like I'm bothering him when I start loving on him, because he is tired or busy...I'm just confused on what I should do
boldjack Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 You need to divorce your husband and be with your"best friend". You deserve each other.
boldjack Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 BTW, when you say that you "Love" , your husband, that is a lie. You are only trying to salve your own guilt.
Ronni_W Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 IMO, you deserve a much more rewarding marital relationship. I'm sure you do love your husband...just maybe that it's turned into more as a brother than a lover-spouse, at this point? Not sure how holding back on the kissing is working for either you or your affair partner but, personally, I can't see the point/purpose of it. Your husband (and marriage) won't change without some professional intervention. But then, of course, you'll need to also change your "stuff" that is part of the problem. Up to you to decide if counseling is worth the effort...or if you even want to work on creating a real marriage with your current husband. If counseling does not sound appealing to you for whatever reason, then divorce is your only real (sane and sanity-maintaining) option...as far as my experience goes, at least. Best of luck with your decision-making.
jnj express Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 You don't want to be hit with a 2x4 fine, just divorce your H., and set him free, to be with someone who appreciates him, and will be true to him and not give him sloppy seconds. What do you want us to tell you what you are doing is ok, it AIN'T. You spoke vows at your wedding ceremony, i guess you forgot that part of your life. Free your H. give him a divorce and DON'T tell him you are cheating on him. Just make up something he will probably be hurt, but won't have the pain you would cause him, if he found out you were spreading your legs for another. SET HIM FREE, he IS YOUR LOVING H., don't WOUND HIM.
Bryanp Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? Please do not say how you love your husband because your actions speak just the opposite. I do think you and the other man deserve each other. Just remember that this OM has no problems having sex with a married woman behind her husband's back. What does that say about his character? What does that say about your character? I would strongly suggest that you tell the truth to your husband since this is the very least he deserves from you. I am sure after you tell him the truth and he realizes how you have totally humiliated, disrespect and put his health at risk for STD's, he will have no problem walking away from you and seeking out another woman who will truly appreciate him. You sound like a very foolish woman. Just rememeber that a person who will cheat with you will cheat on you.
lostsunsets Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 jnj and the others are right. Your husband does not deserve this. That goes without saying. So I will come at it from a different direction. You have compromised yourself. You have set a lifestyle for yourself that has made your love common and shallow. In believing you deserved more from your husband, you have settled for less. You may have passion when you have sex with your best friend, but you have devalued who you are. Because you have been (are) selfish and self centered, your love is that way. You see real love is not about getting your ego stroked or having fun all the time. It is about meeting the needs of the person you have committed to love. I don't know if you can understand what real love is. Real love is an action where feelings follow, you have sought the feelings and so cheated yourself out of real love. In a way it is kind of funny. Fidelity is an action that requires that you DON'T do something, CHEAT ON THE MAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE. All future relationships you have will be compared to your present marriage. And will be equally shallow. Because once you have defined yourself, it is very difficult to change (possible but difficult) You say that you love your husband, but he is so serious and has a hard time laughing about life. You on the other hand are so morally shallow that you look for a good time and forget that life is serious, thus proving yourself to be less. His view on life and marriage allow him to be faithful. Your view on life allows you to commit adultery and debase yourself with other men. Your love, like your commitment is not worth having. It is of no value. Let your husband find someone who is serious about life and commitment. Then you will be free to blow in the wind to where and who you like. You will have fantastic sex. But you will be left empty. See how that works for you.
lostsunsets Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Oh, and one other thing, your husband is not the jealous type because he doesn't know who he is married to. Someone who is as common as dirt. The poor naive fool.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I think the OP has just gotten too comfortable with her husband and the same for her husband with her. Now, I do not condone cheating. But if its because you feel...inadequate so to speak, in your husband's eyes, then maybe you do need to break it off with him. There's nothing you can really do to fix this situation in my opinion, its already run its course. Just the classic case of you and your husband getting too comfortable with each other. I think your Husband failed at making you feel special but maybe you failed at communicating that to him. Instead you slept with your male friend which isn't the way to go about things. A couple of questions: 1.) Did you ever express how unattractive or not so special your husband makes you feel TO your husband? and 2.) Did you always have feelings for your male friend?
lostsunsets Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 dream, she didn't say her husband made her feel unattractive, He just didn't stroke her like all the other men she runs into. He must have thought there was more to her then just her looks. Apparently not.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 dream, she didn't say her husband made her feel unattractive, He just didn't stroke her like all the other men she runs into. He must have thought there was more to her then just her looks. Apparently not. Well in a sense that is causing her to feel unwanted and unattractive because her husband doesn't constantly acknowledge her beauty like other men who only do so to bed her, and apparently it works.
sugarmomma Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 The reality is that someone else paid attention to his relationship since he didn't. To feel neglected and rejected while in a relationship is the worst feeling in the world. I think that she should have left her husband before she started the affair and since she didn't, she should leave now. No need in draggin this on. People are so afraid to let go of dead relationships that it makes me sick. Find some heart!!!!!
samspade Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 If you want the other guy, be a grown-up and leave your husband. FIRST. If you want to stay with your husband, quit cheating (emotionally AND physically) on him. Again, be an adult. It's pretty simple.
lostsunsets Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 there is no kissing involved this time around, the sex is amazing and fills something that I am missing in my marriage, HE fills a lot of things that I am missing in my marriage This is what is called the "pretty woman" syndrome. Where she has convinced herself that if they don't kiss, its really only sex between F-buddies. I mean she does have her standards. Can you explain how fluids from the three inch area known as the mouth are to be avoided completely? But that you seem to have no problem with the other fluids involved? Do you have any idea, just how broken you and you marriage are?
troubadour Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Singlemarriedgirl... if there is no kissing involved then you are not cheating. Seriously... you have nothing to worry about.
carhill Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 My wife calls this "sport f*cking" OP, I kinda liked the dynamic between you and your friend right up to the sleeping with him for 7 months part. I mean, OK, you bonded and stuff, but couldn't you keep them closed? How about reversing the sexual affection for physical non-sexual affection? Is that enough of a validation? Just fishing for something that will de-tox this a bit until you can make a decision on your M. What keeps you in the M? It's certainly not two weeks of good behavior by your H. There's something more. Love to hear about it Oh, it just came to me when I saw your screen name again....you like the freedom of being single and the security of being married. I came up with that in MC...
jnj express Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Hey single where are you hiding, have you nothing to say about this matter.
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