If you were a woman, would you want me back?

[lonelypiscesguy]

Greetings! Let me first say that I wish I found this place a LONG time ago! I have read some very good posts that are very mature and reasoned, unlike Yahoo answers, where there are nothing but 9th graders to give their 'worldly' advice. I'll try to make this as short as I can, but please forgive me if it runs too long.

Okay. Woman I went to high school with 26 years ago contacts me on classmates.com. I remembered her, much to her delight, and mine, and we started emailing and calling several times a day for a couple months. She revealed that she was in a sober-living house (recovering meth and alcohol addict). When we started talking about being intimate and getting tested first, she reveals that she has herpes. I thought it over for a day and said "Well, we'll just have to be careful." She is also bipolarII and takes medication. We started to rekindle a secret crush that we had on each other and started to develop strong feelings for each other. She would email and call with STRONG sexual talk, and as a guy, I got excited, you know? A month before her visit, she tells me after all the heavy phone sex that her sponsor said we should hold off on sex for now. I was a little pissed and confused but got over it that night. When she came up, we shared the same motel room, and of course, I still tried to make moves, and we had SOME contact, so to speak. I was kind of a jerk to her, because I felt like she was playing d***tease games. After she went home, I called and apologized for my insensitivity to her needs.

A few weeks later, I called her when I was a little tipsy, and she told me that she had father issues with me calling her when I was drinking. Oops! I told her I wouldn't do that again. I went to visit her (BTW, I live in the Bay Area, she is in LA) in Jan. and we had a great weekend, had sex, met her friends and family, met her boss, and hung out together. I made plans to see her in March, but 2 weeks before I went, I just HAD to call her drunk, not tipsy, blackout drunk! I cannot put into words how stupid I felt and still feel. I asked if she still wanted me down there, she said, "Yes, you need to be down here." Now, before my 'episode', she said she didn't want to do anything, that we needed to date more. Huh?! So I went, had a nice time with her at a mutual friends house, and true to form, she went home. This is after rubbing me a little at her work, if you get my drift. So the next day, we go out and as I drop her off, same thing, a lot of petting from her, I tell her I'll pick her up in a few hours. After we hang out for a few hours, I drop her off, and I am alone again. The next day I told her I would take her out to dinner before I left. I didn't call her, I spent the day with my friend, and left without saying goodbye. I know, jerk move on my part, but I was hurt and angry. She calls and tells me she was worried and why didn't i call. I lied and said I overslept. Another jerk move, but my only lie (please believe me, I'm not a liar). We talked the next day and things seemed workable. She told me I can be thoughtless and selfish, and I had to agree with her, that I can be sometimes, but told her I would try to do better. So she broke up with me 2 days ago, and I told her I understand, and I do. She could be a little nitpicky and demanding and bossy, but overall, she has a very sweetheart.

I feel bad about taking her for granted and I don't know if I finally crossed the line with her, she strikes me as the type that moves on after she breaks up with someone, so I guess that's that. I am NC with her, because I owe it to her, but I would like to try and make ammends.

I just feel like I have overlooked quite a lot to be with her and I feel like she has been something of a tease. I miss her a lot already and I'd bet she misses me. We're both honest, good-hearted people (in spit of my 'white-lie'!) and I still think we could work things out. Oh yeah, when we got tested, she didn't have herpes after all (YAY!), she is doing great in recovery and has for 2 years now. I only drink once or twice a month, and blacking out is very rare for me (poor excuse, I know). Any thoughts on our dynamic? Go ahead and tell me what a jerk I've been, I know. I regret my thoughtlessness every minute, now. Thanks!

[PinkKittyKat]

You aren't perfect, sure.

 

But RUN. Run fast, run far. This girl should be setting off all your red flags.

 

1.) Recovering meth and alcohol addict

 

2.) Bipolar II Disorder and on medication

 

3.) She is still in recovery, she is still an addict, and her sponsor feels that a sexual relationship is bad for her recovery process. She is not "a tease", she has a lot on her plate right now. Addiction recovery is a slow process. The fact that she still has a sponsor is telling. So is the fact she's living in a "sober-living house".

 

And, okay, so it turns out she's clean, but herpes? YOU THOUGHT IT OVER FOR A DAY!? You don't even really KNOW this woman!

 

If you decide to really "be" with a woman like this, you will come to know her truly. You think she sends mixed signals NOW?

 

Wait until her first depressive episode, wait until she has a hypomanic episode. Wait until she decides to go off her meds because they make her feel "fuzzy or murky". Wait until she tries to self medicate with the beloved old friend meth or alcohol.

 

I have seen it happen, my friend. This girl needs to sort out her own **** before involving a guy with some alcohol problems of his own in them.

 

I dated a clinical depressive, his best friend of 17 years is bipolar, I was close schoolmates with 2 bipolars, and my mother dated an addict for 5 years, a man who was in and out of "clean-living" homes, and up and down on the drug rollercoaster.

 

I myself am a recovered anorexic/bulimic, with clinical depression, generalized anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder. I'm medicated now, but bad days....they're very hard for my partner to deal with. And I understand that. And I'm functional now, I have never been an addict, never had a sponsor, never had to live in a home....

 

This girl is bad news. She may be a wonderful person inside, but right now she needs to be alone, and work on herself.

 

Run.

[mental_traveller]

Don't touch her with a bargepole. This is so obvious, you really shouldn't need to ask.

[lonelypiscesguy]

Listen, She's really not as much of a train wreck as I may have made her out to be. And yes, she truly does have a sweet heart. Thank you both for commenting and I know what your saying. My mother was addicted to cocaine for years and dated a POS coke dealer, and she did lose me over it. She quit, cold turkey, and I came back into her life. Her boyfriend died of an overdose, BTW, lol. He was a real lump and the world is better without him. Anyway, my ex will be moving into her own place April 1, and I couldn't be happier for her or prouder of her. She just celebrated 2 years clean and sober in February, and again, happy and proud. I do feel in my gut that a boyfriend that doesn't drink would be better for her, but you know how it is when you love someone and see past her flaws and into her heart. I have been FAR from the perfect boyfriend, BTW. I wish I could undo the mistakes I've made, but that doesn't happen in real life, now does it? Thank you both again.

[Queen of Hearts]

I agree with the other posters, in that, she seems to be in a bad place in her life right now, and a serious relationship is probably something she doesn't need... but, I think it's kind of ironic that she was totally upfront and honest with you, and then you lie to her and expect this forum to tell you that what you did was ok simply because you "over-looked things" to be with her.

 

I am a woman and no, I would not want you back. That was a dick move to not see her and blow her off like that.

[lonelypiscesguy]

You're right, Queen of Hearts. What I did was childish and selfish. I really do love this woman and would love to learn from my mistakes and get on track with being as happy as we were before. She really isn't the train wreck that I may have made her out to be. She's doing very well and has for a little over two years. I haven't dated for several years because I wanted to get work and child support squared away first. She said she still misses me as well so maybe in time, we can work something out. I do have to work on my issues of selfishness, if not for her benefit, then the next woman in my life, who also would'nt deserve to be treated so shabbily. I haven't always been such a jerk, and I wish, I TRULY wish, I didn't blow it with her. She had the sweetest heart of any woman I have met in years, I still love her and I wish nothing but beauty and happiness in her life. Live and learn, I guess...

[lonelypiscesguy]

Queen of Hearts, can I ask you something? Like I said, you're right that that was a dick move on my part, but still, what gives with me driving 6 hours to see her, taking her out Friday and Saturday, having her 'touching me', if you get my drift, and then letting me go home with zero intimacy? We hadn't been together in 2 months, and it really isn't just about me getting my rocks off, it's about loving someone and wanting that bonding. Why be a d***tease? As a woman, please explain, or any other woman for that matter. Thanks!

[Queen of Hearts]

... it really isn't just about me getting my rocks off...

 

If it isn't about you getting your rocks off, then why is it such a big deal if she teased you a little?

 

I think it speaks volumns about your lack of self-control and immaturity.

I understand that what she did was not fair, but, it's not like she killed your dog or called your mom a whore.

 

The great thing about the beginnings of a relationship is the anticipation, and a good tease is part of enhancing that anticipation.

 

Personally, I kind of like the idea of getting a guy all hot and bothered over me, and sending him home to "fix it" while he is thinking of me...building on the anticipation, so that the next time we were together, he would have had plenty of time to mull over all of the erotic possibilites that we could make happen between us.... so that, he would have so many wonderful things to wisper in my ear while we were making love. Sometimes women like to treat men like a tea pot. We like to heat you up until you errupt all hot a steamy.

 

It's not like she would never give it up to you. For all you know, she could have just started her period that day and is the shy type about having sex while bleeding. You never really know unless you talk to her about it.

 

Either way, I am a fixed and stubborn person that would have hard time seeing past a man's inability to communicate effectively, and essentialy resulting to high-school tatcis and lies as what I deem to be a "pay-back" to her "dick-tease".

[sedgwick]

2.) Bipolar II Disorder and on medication

 

Wait until her first depressive episode, wait until she has a hypomanic episode.

 

I myself am a recovered anorexic/bulimic, with clinical depression, generalized anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder. I'm medicated now,

 

So even though you're recovering from your own mental illness, and on medication yourself, you're telling him to run from someone with a mental illness who is on medication? I'm bipolar II and on meds. Does that mean I should be alone, a pariah, for the rest of my life?

[PinkKittyKat]

So even though you're recovering from your own mental illness, and on medication yourself, you're telling him to run from someone with a mental illness who is on medication? I'm bipolar II and on meds. Does that mean I should be alone, a pariah, for the rest of my life?

 

That's not what I said... why did you cut off my post about self-medicating?

 

She's NOT JUST mentally ill and on meds, she is in drug/alcohol recovery and her sponsor feels she's not doing well.

 

That means there's a high risk of falling back into the addiction, and it's DIFFICULT. Those 2 things COMBINED make her a bad prospect until she sorts her sh|t out.

 

I have my sh|t sorted out, and it sounds like you do as well. But there are still bad days, and her days will be worse than yours and mine, simply by dint of being in a really rough place right now.

 

Also, many people do not understand mental illness and think "as long as they are on meds, they're 'cured'", when that isn't the case. I was bringing up examples of things that will most likely happen in their relationship.

 

Gosh, stop victiming all over the place.

[lonelypiscesguy]

Look, you're absolutely right. What I did WAS in fact, immature and dickish. I just don't like games! Is that an excuse? No. Do I feel like **** about this situation that I created? You bet. Sexual tension is one thing. But playing silly little games when we are doing the LDR thing is quite another, in my humble opinion. I do have a temper, and no, anger management is not what I need, before any of our resident amateur psychologists chime in, and if I feel like I am being played for a fool, I won't suffer long.

She really is a very sweethearted woman and I love her and I adore her. And no, I don't think that a woman who has what I consider to be relatively minor mental issues should be condemned to a life of solititude. As to her addiction issues, she has atoned for and worked very, very hard at staying clean and sober. It is NOT that much of an issue with me, because her heart shines through her troubled past.

My thing is, I just started working again and my hours are going to suck, i.e., it would be difficult to see her for a while, in fact, I hadn't seen her for 2 months and wanted intimacy as I think that is A glue that holds together a relationship, especially a LDR. Why play games when we are both busy people that live 400 miles apart and have a difficult enough time seeing each other? I'm not Johnny Naive, I was married for almost 10 years, and yes, believe it or not my wife happy with me for the first 8. I am 42 and my ex is 41. I simply don't have the patience or the tempermant for BS games that should have been left behind in high school.

Mind you, I SOOO much regret my behavior and should have tried talking the next day instead of huffing off. I take responsibility for that. But sometimes you women really piss us guys off, and you know it! Maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought, it happens, right? Given another chance, I would most definitely cool my jets and think about her feelings first, before I stomp off. I just think that women at our age should leave that crap behind once get out of their early twenties. And in return, I should learn to approach my frustrations in a more mature manner.

Thank you, ladies, for answering my frustrations openly and honestly. I really do regret hurting such a sweet woman, a woman who openly and freely gave me heart after 26 years of trying to find me, the jerk. If I can't have a second chance, I sincerely hope she finds a good man.

Lastly, let me clear a couple things up. Her sponsor didn't say or even or even imply that she isn't doing well, she said she didn't think we should get physical too fast. It had nothing to do with her recovery, it was more motherly advice (and I met her mother and step-father a couple times, very kind and supportive folks). I was confused at the time because we had been having pretty graphic phone and email sex for about two months and then she says her sponsor said...well, I think you know the rest.

She just moved out on her own, and I couldn't be prouder of her! She really is doing well, but of course, she has rough days, as PKK alluded to. I told her that relapsing isn't necessarily a deal-breaker with us. I want to be supportive of her and I feel like I have, in spite of my sometimes jerkish behavior. She is a strong lady, I've told her she is stronger even than she realizes. Please don't get me wrong, and if I haven't made myself clear I apologize. But she is doing well. When she first contacted me and over the next few weeks of talking to her, my first thought was, "Jeez, what a train wreck! I don't need THIS in my life!". But as we continued to talk, I found her to be warm, intelligent, very funny and very sweet. I don't consider myself to be the pinnacle of nobility for dating her, given her circumstances. I would NEVER say to her, "I dated you in spite of your problems!" I can be thoughtless and a little selfish at times, but I'm not cruel.

Bottom line is, I'm just confused by her actions and I don't think you play games with someones heart or their nether-regions when you purport to love to love them, especially in a LDR. I still take responsibility for my lame behavior and would love to be in her life again, but what can I say? I'm a guy and intimicy IS important to me. Sorry I rambled so long.

[lonelypiscesguy]

Sorry that was so long, but to summarize for the benefit of QoH's, we live 400 miles apart and it may be months before we see each other again. I value all of your opinions, but QoH's opinion is the kick in the balls I want to hear. Thank you all. Oh, and cheating is out of the question for both of us and I do trust her implicitly, so that is not an issue before anybody goes there.

[Queen of Hearts]

But sometimes you women really piss us guys off, and you know it!

 

What's good for the goose, my friend. You have no idea how bad men can piss off women. Trust me, I was married once.

 

QoH's opinion is the kick in the balls I want to hear. Thank you all.

 

Well, I am glad you can take my steel-toed responses. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There is no sugar in much of what I answer. I guess that is part of the reason I am divorced.

 

Good luck to you. Just remember, if it was meant to be, it will happen. Let the chips fall where they may. Try not to force anything, rather, ride the wave.

[lonelypiscesguy]

What's good for the goose, my friend. You have no idea how bad men can piss off women. Trust me, I was married once.

 

 

 

Well, I am glad you can take my steel-toed responses. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There is no sugar in much of what I answer. I guess that is part of the reason I am divorced.

 

Good luck to you. Just remember, if it was meant to be, it will happen. Let the chips fall where they may. Try not to force anything, rather, ride the wave.

Thank you. We all bring baggage from past love's, families, etc. I jumped right into a rebound relationship with a lying, cheating slut. My bad. It left me bitter for a few years and I'm afraid my trust issues were taking out on her, which is lame, I know. I regret it, and we are still on friendly speaking terms, and in an email she said she misses me as well but that she needs more time, which I will respect. For a while. In spite of her demons, she is a sweet, fragile woman whose heart I have crushed already, and I feel like **** about it. I won't let her go without trying. And I'd better be DAMN careful if I get that second chance.