JamesM Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 ...when did he or she have the time to have an affair? If I could say it better, how was he or she able to conduct an affair and find the time without you finding out? Was it during work time? Was it while you were at work? How often did they meet? I have had these questions as I read the different accounts of affairs, and I wonder...I don't think I could find the time for an affair. And if my wife were having one, I don't know when she would be having one either. So did you have an idea that something was up because of a different schedule or something?
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I have had these questions as I read the different accounts of affairs, and I wonder...I don't think I could find the time for an affair. And if my wife were having one, I don't know when she would be having one either. ... How many hours a day are you and your wife apart? 8? 4? 12? There is your answer. Ive seen it happen in the parking lot during lunch, or a smoke break. In the bathroom at the office. Whatever, when two people want it to happen... it happens, they make time. Do you really think your wife has been creeping on you?
Owl Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 My situation may not apply, James, but I'll throw it out there for you to use or not. My wife's EA was online/via phone. Approximately a year prior to the affair, my wife was employed for the local school district. No way that she would have had the time or energy to conduct any kind of affair. But then she broke her ankle. Became addicted to online gaming while she was home recuperating. Didn't fight too hard to get her job back, ended up getting let go. So she decided to become a SAHM...although our kids were all older teens by this time. In reality, she stayed home to continue her online game obsession. The online gaming got worse and worse, until about 8 months later it really came to a head, and she backed her online time down from about 16 hours/day to about 8-10. It was about this time that she met OM...via that same online game. She had the time, because she was still SAHM. It started out with them talking and "meeting" in game...relatively harmless. Except that it escalated (as these things do). They began IM'ing during the day while he was at work, and then gaming online together at night. Then the phone calls to/from each other...all while I was at work. I knew that they gamed at night...and even joined in at nights when I was off work. And that's when I started to suspect things. I found out about two weeks before d-day that they were IM'ing during the day...which worried me greatly, but I had no idea on the extent or content of the IM's at that point. The bottom line is that she had means and time to carry on a remote emotional affair. There was no opportunity for it to go physical because he lived about 1500 miles away...although they were planning out how to meet in person right when I got the "proof".
wuggle Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Having been on both sides of the fence I can say that it's really quite easy, especially if your both working. Lunctimes always the backbone of meeting time, but 5 minute breaks happen all through the day. Most companies these days offer flexi time or toil, and how many partners know what flexi the other has built up or how it's used ?. It's easy to build up a few hours flexi without your partner knowing then taking that time off again without your partner having a clue. Evening meetings that you just can't get out of, office leaving doos and other social events (christmas doos) and just plain having to work late all keep the affair going. Sadly IMO the planning the deception adds to the excitement , builds the expectations etc. If you trust your partner you really might not have a clue untill it's too late. At heart us humans really are devious bast**ds.
jwi71 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 ...when did he or she have the time to have an affair? Well, my W's A was a bit different in it was short lived before being caught (dating for 2 weeks then PA). She simply lied about their long chat sessions when she was home...she said she was chatting with friends or relatives overseas. So I let her have her privacy...and I was detached as well. And by detached I mean busy and neglecting her. If I could say it better, how was he or she able to conduct an affair and find the time without you finding out? Oh that's easy. She used the trust I had in her against me. She knew by saying half-truths I would believe and trust she was "innocent". And, to be fair, I was in fact taking her for granted and neglecting her. Gotta own my ***** too. Was it during work time? Was it while you were at work? We both worked and she was boffing her boss. So I got he expected "working late". Again, abusing trust so I believed her. How often did they meet? Every day! But if you mean "romantic dates"...I think she had several one-on-one lunches and a shopping trip to a mall together. Then, after two weeks, they planned to have sex on Sunday one Friday. She carried through with it. I have had these questions as I read the different accounts of affairs, and I wonder...I don't think I could find the time for an affair. And if my wife were having one, I don't know when she would be having one either. Stop it. If you are engaged in her life and pay her attention...you'll most likely be fine. Give her no reason to cheat but not because you don't want her to cheat but because you love her and she deserves it. So did you have an idea that something was up because of a different schedule or something? Well, tbh, no idea. She could have been banging him for weeks and months had she thought it through - perhaps still cheating and us still married even now. You see, she skipped our daughter's 5th birthday party to have sex with him...it was Sunday. Her reason? Work. That's when I knew because no one skips their daughter's birthday on Sunday for "work".
Reggie Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 My XW utilized time she claimed she needed a break from the house and kids to socialize with girlfriends. I was happy to be able to give her breaks.
Sparta8 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 In my wife's case it was easy - they were both men she met while traveling for work. The first one was someone she met with three times while on trips and once when he came to our city. The second one she met in another state, had a brief but intense emotional affair via phone calls, internet and text messaging, then ended it a few weeks later. The first one I had no clue about for 17 years. The second one she went upstairs to "work" several late nights in a row after she got back from the trip, but I still had absolutely no clue until she told me. Travel gave her hundreds of opportunities. Two of which she took.
bentnotbroken Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Mr. Messy used the fact that he traveled a lot for business. He also has very flexible work hours, the same as the ow. I and her bs didn't have the same type jobs. Hours fairly concrete. I always had the kids, running from one place to another and he said he never had time. Easy again, he knew my schedule. When ever I left town, the kids were always with me, yes, once again he knew where I was and when I would be home. The one thing that kind of stood out was the fact he was always texting and his phone and the computer suddenly had passwords. I got suspicious, asked him. He said no. I heard rumors, asked him he said no. Found a paper trail...the rest is my freedom.
Lizzie60 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 When someone wants an affair.. they find the time.. trust me... and their partner will never find out. For example.. some men cheat during work hours.. so it's almost impossible for the SO to find out. I had one guy who would come and see me (for a massage) when he was going for his groceries... his wife has no clue. One guy comes to see me, every chance he has.. on his 'guys' night out'.. he usually leave them earlier and sneak out to see me. Meetings, golf, running errands... these are all excuses..
Author JamesM Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Do you really think your wife has been creeping on you? No. Not that the thought has never occurred to me, but truthfully, no. But as any of these posters can tell you, they never suspected for the most part either. My point for the question is as I asked...how does someone find time? Some are fairly obvious...business trips and at work. Others are much more difficult to hide. Stop it. If you are engaged in her life and pay her attention...you'll most likely be fine. Give her no reason to cheat but not because you don't want her to cheat but because you love her and she deserves it. Thank you for these words. I think for the most part this is really true...especially if men do not neglect their wives.. But as I have read some stories even on this thread, that is not always the case. And even though I have posted that this can lead to an affair, it is not an excuse for someone to cheat. I do think though that the more we are involved in each other's lives, the harder it is to hide an affair. And thank you for sharing. When someone wants an affair.. they find the time.. trust me... and their partner will never find out. One guy comes to see me, every chance he has.. on his 'guys' night out'.. he usually leave them earlier and sneak out to see me. Meetings, golf, running errands... these are all excuses.. Lizzie, this is so true. If one wants to cheat and is motivated, then the time can be created. And as others have learned, the more one trust his or her spouse, the easier it is for that spouse to hide an affair. Thanks to all who have thus far shared their history. I know it brings up bad memories and is not always easy to retell. It really is interesting to read how each WS hid the affair. Personally, I think it is good for those who DO suspect their partner of cheating to see how it is possible to find the time to cheat. Hopefully more can post their perspective.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 My exW was in a different field and was involved in various professional organizations and service clubs. Those groups provided a convenient cover, although even someone as oblivious as I was had to get suspicious when the meetings grew to a 4-night a week schedule... Mr. Lucky
OWoman Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 ...when did he or she have the time to have an affair? If I could say it better, how was he or she able to conduct an affair and find the time without you finding out? Was it during work time? Was it while you were at work? How often did they meet? I have had these questions as I read the different accounts of affairs, and I wonder...I don't think I could find the time for an affair. And if my wife were having one, I don't know when she would be having one either. So did you have an idea that something was up because of a different schedule or something? My H and his xW lived very separate lives. Even when they were in the same physical space (eg at home together) they were never in the same time-space continuum. She would sit and knit and he'd be with the kids, chatting about their day; or she'd tune out in front of the TV while he was chatting to me on IRC. But also, they led separate lives outside of the house - she loved shopping (he hated it) and he'd stay home; or he'd go out to see friends or family, and she'd stay home. During our A, there was also lots of travelling on everyone's part (I'm from a different country to them) - she'd go abroad alone for more than a month at a time, which would just happen to coincide with my visiting their country, or he'd travel to my country for work purposes, or he and I would travel to other countries... But even when they were together, she never had to be factored into our plans as their lives were totally separate. (We did have to factor the kids in - both his and mine - so that their lives were not negatively impacted, though.) And because their finances were completely separate, too, she had no idea how much or how little money he spent on the A.
EnigmasMuse Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 When someone wants an affair.. they find the time.. trust me... and their partner will never find out. For example.. some men cheat during work hours.. so it's almost impossible for the SO to find out. I had one guy who would come and see me (for a massage) when he was going for his groceries... his wife has no clue. One guy comes to see me, every chance he has.. on his 'guys' night out'.. he usually leave them earlier and sneak out to see me. Meetings, golf, running errands... these are all excuses.. Just out of curiosty Lizzie....has there ever been a time where any of these men's wives found out about you? Who you were, and if so, did they ever try to contact you or find out where you lived etc?
SidLyon Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 My H's affair was almost 100% conducted during working hours specifically lunchtime. Apparently during its 3 year course they were away together for only 1 night (business trip) and took 2 days off work to spend together. The rest of the time they drove to our place during their lunchtime or occasionally hers. We live near a major city but it's only about a 5-10 minute drive to our house from the CBD whereas she lived much further out. They never met at night or on weekends, and virtually all phone calls were made from work rather than from private phones. I never found out until recently and the number of "clues" I had I can count on 1 hand. He was so careful and knew I trusted him. S
Lizzie60 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Just out of curiosty Lizzie....has there ever been a time where any of these men's wives found out about you? Who you were, and if so, did they ever try to contact you or find out where you lived etc? I got caught just one time.. by a W.. I didn't know he was married.. we had dated for 6 months when we got caught. She wasn't mad at me.. she even tried to become 'friend' with me.. but I had to tell her in a polite way to leave me alone... With my MMs I am not afraid to being caught.. we are extremely careful. I would never ever try to ruin their life.. and they know it. We don't take 'chances'... It's important to me that they do not leave their family. This is not even an issue with my MMs.
Lizzie60 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 My H's affair was almost 100% conducted during working hours specifically lunchtime. Apparently during its 3 year course they were away together for only 1 night (business trip) and took 2 days off work to spend together. The rest of the time they drove to our place during their lunchtime or occasionally hers. We live near a major city but it's only about a 5-10 minute drive to our house from the CBD whereas she lived much further out. They never met at night or on weekends, and virtually all phone calls were made from work rather than from private phones. I never found out until recently and the number of "clues" I had I can count on 1 hand. He was so careful and knew I trusted him. S May I ask how you found out?
SidLyon Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 May I ask how you found out? ******************************************************** The A officially ended more than 3 years ago however my H started to fall apart last year when her H died unexpectedly. The OW contacted him and gave him hope that the A would resume. She mucked him around for months and my impression is that she was unwilling to be just an OW now her H had died but my H wanted to resume the A without leaving me. When the A was ongoing they had an agreement that they would not be leaving their spouses - obviously the dynamics changed when her H died. Anyway my H came to the conclusion that she wasn't interested and in desperation joined an internet dating site. But this was going on at the same time as he and the OW were discussing resuming their A. Then we had a tragic death of our brother-in-law in almost identical circumstance to the OW's husband. This was a catastrophe for my H's family and my H became so careless that I caught him out on the dating website a few days after the funeral. This led me to hack into his profile and chats on the dating site which led me to a hotmail account where I found out about the A too. Amazing really that it all came unraveled for him as a result of 1 careless mistake 3 years after the A had ended. S
65tr6 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 ..So did you have an idea that something was up because of a different schedule or something? I could write a book on how how my wife did it....it was quite amazing actually....well more like disgusting....I will spare everyone the trouble... But I had NO clue....(I consider myself very smart by the way and still do even after my wife's affair !!!)
Author JamesM Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I could write a book on how how my wife did it....it was quite amazing actually....well more like disgusting....I will spare everyone the trouble... But I had NO clue....(I consider myself very smart by the way and still do even after my wife's affair !!!) So you have no clue how she did it, or you had no clue while she was doing it? And we may find it rather interesting. You never know who you might help.
65tr6 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 So you have no clue how she did it, or you had no clue while she was doing it?. I now know the modus operendi. I know all the details. But I had NO f*cking clue when she was doing it. It is not that I asked her and she lied her way through it repeatedly. The thought (of me even suspecting my wife having an affair) never crossed...not once until the d-day!. HOWEVER looking back there were two instances when I asked her about couple of purchases and she lied about them. How I wish she had the guts to admit it back then. Like I said, I could write a book and it could very well be a hot seller. lol, talk about taking advantage of an affair to the hilt. I know I am joking about it but when the details came out, they absolutely stunned me. All carried out right under my nose. She got involved with an aquaintance from previous work place. She would tell me everything about what happenned at work....on daily basis. However, when they both started meeting alone for lunch, she stopped sharing that. Ofcourse technology always plays a huge role in conduting these affairs. IM, Cell Phone, Work Phone, email prove very handy. POSOM was divorced, had kids, sharing custody and invited my wife over to his place. It went on for months.....She would stop by his place on the way to work. She would leave about 15 min to 30 min early.....I never suspected a thing. While I was busy preparing my son for pre-school, she was f* POSOM. This was 2 or 3 times a week. HOW did she find that time ? Oh, yes. They WILL find that time. When you are in a romantic relationship, everything else is secondary...I mean everything ! I do believe that most relationships involve some element of emotion/romance. I dont think there are any affairs that are based purely on sex. For the simple reason that (most) women dont just sleep men for sex alone. They may say they did it for sex but I dont buy that. That is just me. Lesson for others Sad thing about this whole affair.....I dont believe in learning from your mistakes...rather I believe in NOT making them in first place or alteast learning from others. This affair was, technically, not my mistake but I know if I had been "smart" enough, I would caught this earlier.....And would have helped my wife out of this "misery" much much earlier.....She is now completely and utterly remorseful. So there are times when I beat myself up a bit for not being "vigilant" enough. On the BRIGHT side, like jw, if I had not asked my wife one day as to what the hell was wrong, she probably would never have admitted to the affair. She would have carried this on for a much longer time. Who knows, she could have taken this to the grave. Or the truth could have come out 10 years from now. The lesson here....trust your instincts, look for any abnormal behavior. If you suspect something is up, do it the movie style...Turn the TV off, hold your wife's hands, look her in the eye and ask "Honey, are you having an affair ?". You never know what she might say !
2sure Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 For my H - 95% of his affair was verbal communication. Phone calls, IMs, and texts. That was the deal for him, that was what he was doing. The other 5% was the sex, almost gratuitous. He is out of town often, has meetings several evenings a week, and makes his own schedule during the day. Plenty of opportunity, and no way for me to notice. On the other hand. Prior to this marriage I had a 4 yr affair with a MM. His wife had a real handle on his free time - so it all fell under work hours ( he worked alone - sales) and business trips. Other MM I have known were pretty much all about the phone calls and would take me on business trips if they could schedule somewhere fun.
Author JamesM Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 The lesson here....trust your instincts, look for any abnormal behavior. If you suspect something is up, do it the movie style...Turn the TV off, hold your wife's hands, look her in the eye and ask "Honey, are you having an affair ?". You never know what she might say ! Well said. Two problems with this: 1) Most people don't want to hear the answer they fear. 2) If one doesn't have enough conclusive evidence, then a denial will be accepted. And if a denial is given, who can say that it is not the truth?
65tr6 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 1) Most people don't want to hear the answer they fear. I agree. I feared the response as well when I asked my wife the question. I did anyway. When she said yes...well....I found LS. lol. 2) If one doesn't have enough conclusive evidence, then a denial will be accepted. And if a denial is given, who can say that it is not the truth? James, here is my take on this. The fact that you even suspect that your (by the way, when i say "you" i mean the general you not you you) spouse in an affair is in itself an indication that your marriage is in serious trouble. You may not know it or realize it. Remember, it is not just your view alone on how well the marriage is between you two but "lower" of the two opinions. Let's look at the possibilies/answers... a) She is not in an affair and she confirms it..... b) She is in an affair and she denies it..... a) In this case, the hope is that you both see it as a wake-up call and learn how to take your marriage to the next level. b) In this case, yes it is tough....You may accept the answer and move on or may need to investigate, find the proof. I dont see anything wrong with this. The sad truth is, you are working against your own spouse and chances of marriage recovery is fairly slim....until the truth comes out.
Reggie Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Well said. Two problems with this: 1) Most people don't want to hear the answer they fear. 2) If one doesn't have enough conclusive evidence, then a denial will be accepted. And if a denial is given, who can say that it is not the truth? 99% of the time, a denial will be made. I think the downside to inquirng, before snooping, is that detection becomes much more difficult when thye are alerted.
jwi71 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Whoa...back up the truck 65. You MAY be right that the suspicion is founded on "something off" and he is picking up on it. OR James has been posting and active here for so long that he sees ghosts where there are none. Lets face it, sites like this can jade one's view of all R's and even a perfectly loyal spouse. It seems to me that if they are communicating regularly at an emotional level...they are fine.
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