SophieA Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Long story short...I've been with my s/o for more than 5 years now. I'm 24, he's 26. We've supported each other through lots of things. Illnesses/deaths in the family, getting through college, applying for med school, new jobs, issues with friends...etc. He's leaving in May for medical school in the caribbean. He will be there for 20 months. (Assuming he passes and completes everything on schedule) I have told him, very nicely once (and once not so nicely) that while I love him very much and can't imagine life without him, that I will not wait forever for a proposal. I want to know that he's serious about making things work for these 20 months while he's away. (We will have visits about every two months and he has asked that after the 20 months I move in with him while he continues his med education through clinicals and then residency.) So I have to know...am I being selfish and ridiculous wanting a proposal before he leaves? Am I ridiculous for waiting this long already? Do I need to just chill out and see if the LDR thing works for these 20 months before expecting a proposal? I am afraid to waste time as marriage is important to me and I do want kids before the age or 35 if possible. I'm very sorry if this has been asked before...I'm sure it probably has.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Long story short...I've been with my s/o for more than 5 years now. I'm 24, he's 26. We've supported each other through lots of things. Illnesses/deaths in the family, getting through college, applying for med school, new jobs, issues with friends...etc. He's leaving in May for medical school in the caribbean. He will be there for 20 months. (Assuming he passes and completes everything on schedule) I have told him, very nicely once (and once not so nicely) that while I love him very much and can't imagine life without him, that I will not wait forever for a proposal. I want to know that he's serious about making things work for these 20 months while he's away. (We will have visits about every two months and he has asked that after the 20 months I move in with him while he continues his med education through clinicals and then residency.) So I have to know...am I being selfish and ridiculous wanting a proposal before he leaves? Am I ridiculous for waiting this long already? Do I need to just chill out and see if the LDR thing works for these 20 months before expecting a proposal? I am afraid to waste time as marriage is important to me and I do want kids before the age or 35 if possible. I'm very sorry if this has been asked before...I'm sure it probably has. Its hard to say you're being selfish. But try not to rush him into something as big as marriage. He'll marry you when he's ready, it takes two for a marriage to work. Rushing him will just force him (if he has no spine) to marry you when he isn't ready, and that's just a marriage already off to a bad start. 20 months is long but not soo long that you will not have kids by the age of 35. I'd say give the LDR a shot, he'll be seeing you every 2 months so it shouldn't be too bad.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Long story short...I've been with my s/o for more than 5 years now. I'm 24, he's 26. We've supported each other through lots of things. Illnesses/deaths in the family, getting through college, applying for med school, new jobs, issues with friends...etc. He's leaving in May for medical school in the caribbean. He will be there for 20 months. (Assuming he passes and completes everything on schedule) I have told him, very nicely once (and once not so nicely) that while I love him very much and can't imagine life without him, that I will not wait forever for a proposal. I want to know that he's serious about making things work for these 20 months while he's away. (We will have visits about every two months and he has asked that after the 20 months I move in with him while he continues his med education through clinicals and then residency.) So I have to know...am I being selfish and ridiculous wanting a proposal before he leaves? Am I ridiculous for waiting this long already? Do I need to just chill out and see if the LDR thing works for these 20 months before expecting a proposal? I am afraid to waste time as marriage is important to me and I do want kids before the age or 35 if possible. I'm very sorry if this has been asked before...I'm sure it probably has. Have you asked him about his views on marriage? Marriage is a big step for certain people who are apprehensive to the idea out of fear of settling down.
Author SophieA Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 **age OF 35. LOL sorry. And yes. We have talked about it. He says he wants marriage and a family also. (but never gives me an idea when...medical school is top priority right now, obviously.) I'm a bit worried about becoming resentful b/c I always envisioned myself as a young mom and I don't want to be having babies before marriage.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 **age OF 35. LOL sorry. And yes. We have talked about it. He says he wants marriage and a family also. (but never gives me an idea when...medical school is top priority right now, obviously.) I'm a bit worried about becoming resentful b/c I always envisioned myself as a young mom and I don't want to be having babies before marriage. Then I don't think pressuring him is a good way to force his hand. There's alot of stress involved with medical school, it can become both mentally and financially straining. The only thing you can do in this situation is express openly about your future plans, let him know that marriage is something you would want in the future, and agree on the fact that you are willing to be patient. Instead of being peckish on the subject you have to show him that you are willing to be as supportive and understanding as you possibly can. As for your resentment, I believe it is caused by your being having mapped out your future for ex. marriage in a year, babies in two..etc. Sometimes it is not wise to plan out your life this way because plans tend to fall short along the way of expectations. Since you haven't in any way complained about your bf except for the marriage, I think you definitely have a great catch in regards to a partner. Give him time to get settled in school and proceed from there.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Then I don't think pressuring him is a good way to force his hand. There's alot of stress involved with medical school, it can become both mentally and financially straining. The only thing you can do in this situation is express openly about your future plans, let him know that marriage is something you would want in the future, and agree on the fact that you are willing to be patient. Instead of being peckish on the subject you have to show him that you are willing to be as supportive and understanding as you possibly can. As for your resentment, I believe it is caused by your being having mapped out your future for ex. marriage in a year, babies in two..etc. Sometimes it is not wise to plan out your life this way because plans tend to fall short along the way of expectations. Since you haven't in any way complained about your bf except for the marriage, I think you definitely have a great catch in regards to a partner. Give him time to get settled in school and proceed from there. Follow this advice. Excellent stuff.
Author SophieA Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Thank you both. I really appreciate your responses.
EllieBean Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 He is asking you to wait for an awfully long time with no commitment! Personally I'd tell him I was willing to give the LDR a go, but I would emphasise that he couldn't expect me to wait forever with no commitment, and with no commitment I couldn't make any guarantees about waiting that long. If you've already been together for five years, I wouldn't think it unreasonable to expect a ring before he leaves. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - he needs to understand that if he doesn't put a ring on it he risks losing it!
samspade Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 If you love him you should be patient with him. Threatening to leave if he doesn't propose may deliver a proposal under the wrong pretense, or a dumping. What's more important to you, him, or marriage? Because if it's marriage, and he's not ready, then maybe you SHOULD leave him. Otherwise, you should wait. I might add that 20 months is a long time to be apart, and I don't think I would stay with someone leaving for that long. I also don't think you are being selfish, to answer your question. I just think you need to determine which is more important, marriage in general, or marriage with this man.
confused_2008 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You know, I'm young (and probably naive), but why do women make such a big deal out of marriage? I definitely want to get married in the future, so I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but you've been with this guy 5 years already. Isn't he committed to you already? You two are young, why do you have to be legally attached at this point? Really, having a ring on your finger doesn't make it that much harder for him to leave you. Sure you might get half of his money (which he wouldn't have now anyway) or whatever and you both have to go through the legal hurdles, but he can still leave. If somebody's going to cheat or fall for someone else, I think it's just as much of a betrayal with or without that ring after you've been together this long. There have been a few threads on here recently similar to this. I know in the one thread, the girl dumped the guy a few months before he was going to propose to her because she needed that 'commitment'. Why can't people just be happy to have a great SO in their lives that loves and cares about them instead of focusing on an end goal?
Author SophieA Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 You know, I'm young (and probably naive), but why do women make such a big deal out of marriage? I definitely want to get married in the future, so I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but you've been with this guy 5 years already. Isn't he committed to you already? You two are young, why do you have to be legally attached at this point? Really, having a ring on your finger doesn't make it that much harder for him to leave you. Sure you might get half of his money (which he wouldn't have now anyway) or whatever and you both have to go through the legal hurdles, but he can still leave. If somebody's going to cheat or fall for someone else, I think it's just as much of a betrayal with or without that ring after you've been together this long. There have been a few threads on here recently similar to this. I know in the one thread, the girl dumped the guy a few months before he was going to propose to her because she needed that 'commitment'. Why can't people just be happy to have a great SO in their lives that loves and cares about them instead of focusing on an end goal? I want marriage because I want kids. I want them to have a stable home life. I want marriage because I'm religious. I want a stable, committed partner in this life. I like the idea of marriage. I see my parents...still going strong after 26 years and think "I want that." I want someone to be able to share in the ups and downs and joys and sorrows...someone who wants to tell the world that I'm their one and only. Those are some of my reasons... You say want to get married too...so why is it a big deal to you? Maybe some of the same reasons I listed above? And.. I'm sorry but the whole "getting his money" thing has me really fired up. I am and have been 100% financially independent since I turned 18 thank you very much. In fact, since he's still a student I pay for about 75% of our dates/outings/vacations etc. I have no issues with that. I don't want his money. I'd be just as in love with him if he were a janitor rather than a (future) doctor. I've told him that I'd have no problems signing a prenup if that is what it takes to show him I don't care about his stupid money. (or the money that he will have) And for the record I do appreciate the fact that he's great and he loves me. That doesn't make marriage any less important to me.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 While marriage is very important to you, if you press for it when he's not ready all its going to show him is that you hold marriage itself more important to you than his feelings and willingness. If you truely truely cared for your BF, wouldn't you want to be as supportive as you could? I understand its frustrating to not have your future plans met in a timely manner, but with something like marriage and kids, you shouldn't really be planning that. That places any guy you meet under the gun to meet deadlines that he may or may not have considered in HIS future. Have you two discussed this earlier on in your relationship? Or is it now coming to the light?
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I've never seen an ultimatum for a marriage proposal work out. EVER. Besides - the magic, romance, and surprise of a possible proposal would be gone after such an ultimatum. That aside, I guess you just have to decide if he's worth waiting for. 20 months LDR IS a long time to wait. I think I'd see how things pan out on that, first. You're young. I really wouldn't be rushing things.
Sunshine11 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Hi, SophieA. I read somewhere that for men, much moreso than women, a stable financial situation tends to be pretty important to them before they get married. It also said that because of this, men usually start feeling ready for marriage a couple years or so after they have a job, and enough money to start to support a family (e.g. buy a house.) The article also mentioned that in light of this, men who pursue higher education tend to marry later. E.g. men who go to graduate or professional school tend to not be ready to marry until their mid-thirties. With that said, I have plenty of classmates who are married. However, I encourage you ask him if you can "ask him something (serious)," and then ask him if he sees you in his life in the future, and if so, in what capacity. How does he see you in his life, and what does he expect from you? My hope is that this will help clarify things for you so you can make your own decision about your relationship, and what's best for you.
D-Lish Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I am and have been 100% financially independent since I turned 18 thank you very much. In fact, since he's still a student I pay for about 75% of our dates/outings/vacations etc. I have no issues with that. I don't want his money. I'd be just as in love with him if he were a janitor rather than a (future) doctor. That probably has a lot to do with him not proposing just yet. His ducks aren't all in a row quite yet. He is probably waiting to be financially secure before asking you for marriage- most likely feels he isn't in a position to be that guy at the moment. Are you being selfish? No, marriage is something you want, it's important to you. But he isn't being unreasonable wanting to finish his studies before putting a ring on your finger either. IF you really love this guy, I'd wait it out. Marriage is about supporting one another through all sorts of trials and tribulations- including LDR's. If you can't weather this- you probably wouldn't weather a marriage anyway. 5 Years together is a committment. It may not be the committment you want, but it is. If this isn't something you want to deal with, you don't have to- you have the option of breaking up with him. If you're paying for 75% of everything- then he really isn't in a position to buy you a ring or give you a lifestyle. Many men want to be secure and settled before asking the woman they love to marry them. I suspect this has nothing to do with his level of committment to you, and everything to do with finishing what he has started first before completing the next chapter.
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