Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I would really appreciate insight into a significant problem I am facing in my relationship. Essentially, my boyfriend (and best friend) of two years feels like he needs to break up with me because I got a larger scholarship than him to the same university. He feels that I applied for the scholarship to "throw him under the bus", and blames me for the potential break up. I understand that this is a massive red flag for future years and problems, even if we survive this single issue. However, this conflict is rooted in a number of different problems such as mental illness on his part, and a lack of confidence. Essentially, he feels that he has nothing to offer this relationship because I am "better than him" in every way, and this scholarship confirms that in his mind. How can i show him this is not the case? I know he loves me very much, but feels hopeless, and has little self worth. As a side note, he is receiving professional help for his mental illness. This is a very important issue in my life, as I am very invested in this relationship and would be devastated to lose him, yet know I can't sell myself short. Thoughts?
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Let him go while he seeks help for his mental problems that are severe enough that you probably shouldn't be dating him anyway. This is the time of your life that's supposed to be all about yourself. He should be PROUD of you, not competitive. Self-esteem problems or not, if he breaks up with you over this, it's his loss. Please don't be devastated. You're correct that, left untreated, this could cause major problems down the road.
manugeorge Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I would really appreciate insight into a significant problem I am facing in my relationship. Essentially, my boyfriend (and best friend) of two years feels like he needs to break up with me because I got a larger scholarship than him to the same university. He feels that I applied for the scholarship to "throw him under the bus", and blames me for the potential break up. I understand that this is a massive red flag for future years and problems, even if we survive this single issue. However, this conflict is rooted in a number of different problems such as mental illness on his part, and a lack of confidence. Essentially, he feels that he has nothing to offer this relationship because I am "better than him" in every way, and this scholarship confirms that in his mind. How can i show him this is not the case? I know he loves me very much, but feels hopeless, and has little self worth. As a side note, he is receiving professional help for his mental illness. This is a very important issue in my life, as I am very invested in this relationship and would be devastated to lose him, yet know I can't sell myself short. Thoughts? Atta girl!, You don't often hear young women this confident and self-aware. It's good that you realize that YOU matter in this relationship as much as he does, illness or no illness. You can't show him that your scholarship doesn't mean you are better than him. He needs to come to that conclusion on his own, through treatment for his mental illness. So if I were you, I wouldn't even embark on that soul sucking journey. Once you start, it'll be never-ending. The only way you can help him is encourage him to keep seeking and utilizing professional help for his mental illness, while you focus on school. If it means breaking up the relationship, don't be afraid to do that. It'll hurt but you will be doing both of you a huge favor for the future.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 As a side note, he is receiving professional help for his mental illness. This is a very important issue in my life, as I am very invested in this relationship and would be devastated to lose him, yet know I can't sell myself short. Thoughts? How do you treat him? How does he treat you?
Trialbyfire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 A healthy relationship requires support from both sides. Your b/f is trying to find fault in what you've accomplished, so he can leverage off it, so he can find an excuse why you've managed to accomplish more. His insecurities aren't yours to fix. Only he can fix himself, which he's trying to do by getting professional help. If you're determined to stay in this relationship, you're going to have to become bullet-proof to his sapping needs, taking the attitude that these are all his problems so you can't take it personally. If you continuously bend over to his needs, it enables that side of him to continue leveraging off of you, putting himself first at all costs. I'm not certain why you want to stay in this unhealthy cycle. You can't rescue him. I think a little therapy on your part, might not be a bad idea. It can't be easy to "always be put in the wrong, to make him happy about himself".
Author Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 How do you treat him? How does he treat you? We both treat each other with love and sensitivity, respect and humour. Usually. clearly that is not the case from his end in this situation.
Author Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I'm not certain why you want to stay in this unhealthy cycle. You can't rescue him. I think a little therapy on your part, might not be a bad idea. It can't be easy to "always be put in the wrong, to make him happy about himself". I recognize that it seems ridiculous that I would want to stay in this relationship. I have recieved counselling in the past on this issue, and feel as though I am relatively aware of the implications of the relationship, both for myself and him. yet love isnt rational, and i love him.
Author Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 This is the time of your life that's supposed to be all about yourself. quote] I agree completely, but ive never been good at the selfish thing.
Author Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 heres the other thing though. he doesn't have any friends, and his family isnt very supportive of his battle with depression, nor do they express their pride in his accomplishments. I am an integral support system in his life. I am concerned about his well being if I were to leave him.
Trialbyfire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 heres the other thing though. he doesn't have any friends, and his family isnt very supportive of his battle with depression, nor do they express their pride in his accomplishments. I am an integral support system in his life. I am concerned about his well being if I were to leave him. He's the victim and you're the rescuer. Love is never enough. Don't take the blame. If you're bound and determined to remain with him, you've got to understand that he can't place fault on you and maintain a victim's stance. You're not responsible for him. Support doesn't mean being drained.
Author Unguardiant Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 thanks, i appreciate the support
You'reasian Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I would really appreciate insight into a significant problem I am facing in my relationship. Essentially, my boyfriend (and best friend) of two years feels like he needs to break up with me because I got a larger scholarship than him to the same university. He feels that I applied for the scholarship to "throw him under the bus", and blames me for the potential break up. I understand that this is a massive red flag for future years and problems, even if we survive this single issue. However, this conflict is rooted in a number of different problems such as mental illness on his part, and a lack of confidence. Essentially, he feels that he has nothing to offer this relationship because I am "better than him" in every way, and this scholarship confirms that in his mind. How can i show him this is not the case? I know he loves me very much, but feels hopeless, and has little self worth. As a side note, he is receiving professional help for his mental illness. This is a very important issue in my life, as I am very invested in this relationship and would be devastated to lose him, yet know I can't sell myself short. Thoughts? I find that an oversimplistic explanation - I think there's something else wrong and not the issue that you've stated.
Montclair0011 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Ungardiant, Every situation is different but I would seriously think twice about continuing with this guy no matter how much you love him. When I was young (circa late 1980s) I won a grant that my boyfriend and I had both applied for. My boyfriend threw a jealous fit and got angry and barely spoke to me for a few days. We later made up. Fast forward to the present and I'm 50+ years old and alone and feeling like I will never find love again. I married that boyfriend and we were together over 20 years and had a child and guess what? That resentment about my grant became that resentment about my first career and then even resentment about my second. He discouraged me from pursuing all of my dreams. There were lots of issues, raging anger, and he was always critical of me and the focus was always on him. He was also depressed and is currently on medication. I helped this man become a success in the field I wanted to be in, worked at a job I hated for years for the sake of the family and paid most of the bills. In the end he left me for an "old friend" and said that I was selfish and had not done enough for him. I've been in therapy since then and am holding up OK, but I wish I had had enough self-esteem and courage to walk away from some big red flags when I was young enough to start over. I thought he was the best that I could get and that I would find a way to make it work. I did make it work for a long-time, but in the end I used up and abandoned.
Author Unguardiant Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Ungardiant, I won a grant that my boyfriend and I had both applied for. My boyfriend threw a jealous fit and got angry and barely spoke to me for a few days. We later made up. I thought he was the best that I could get and that I would find a way to make it work. I did make it work for a long-time, but in the end I used up and abandoned. thank you for taking the time to share this with me, i really appreciate it. do you think that there is anything you could have done to prevent the resentment being carried over to your career and such? i guess what im saying is that im not ready to give up on him completely yet. in your experience, do you see any way that i could continue in this relationship and still prevent being in your situation? keep in mind that I am only 18 years old, he is 20 - (i know, that may bring the integrity of this problem into question, because its easy to write my relationship off as "teenage romance" - i assure you it is not).
Author Unguardiant Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Ungardiant, My boyfriend threw a jealous fit and got angry and barely spoke to me for a few days. We later made up. Another question. when you say "made up" what does that mean? did you give into his resentment or did he appologize, or did you simply not talk about it and move on? thanks
MN randomguy Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Unguardiant, Do you remember the 3rd date rule? If he'd been all jealous on your 3rd date like this, would there have been a 4th date? Remember that at your age you can't start worrying about sunk costs and be wasting your youth on a guy just because you've been with him for two years. Didn't think so, Montclair has some valuable advise. It may be that the depression is the symptom. The character flaw is underlying problem that drives people away. A person's character is the essence of their being. Its the most important quality in a LTR partner.
Montclair0011 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Ungardiant, I don’t want to break your heart and I know what it’s like to love someone sooooo deeply and to feel like it’s not even worth going on in life without them. BUT, you are only 18 and you have your whole life ahead of you. You need to make the right choices that increase your chances of being sucessful and happy. Choosing a major life commitment at 18 with a depressed 20 year old is just not a good choice. His depression is likely to get worse over the years rather than better. There are major red flags. If you are unwilling to give up the boyfriend, maybe see if he will go to couples counselling with you. That would help with some of the issues, although he’s going to need a close watch on his medication from a psychyatrist. The better choice would be for you to start to explore options for breaking it off. Go see a therapist yourself so choosing bad boyfriends does not become a pattern for you as it was for me You want to make sure that you don’t turn into someone that puts more into helping another at the sake of own goals. In my case I sent years walking on eggshells trying to keep him from blowing up, kept hoping he’d change and suddenly appreciate me, turned into a doormat and lost all sense of my own needs or desires. It did not happen overnight, but the slow progression started with episodes like the jealousy. As for the answers to your questions – believe it or not the issue with the jealousy over the grant never went away. Over the years, the topic would occasionally come up and he would still assert his right to have been angry and to be critical of my reaction. It came up several times when he was leaving me for another woman, as his evidence that I was not capable of understanding his deep needs. We went to a few MC’s at the end and they called him on this BS, but he threw big angry fits. Right or wrong, in his mind this incident and other similarly unfair issues justified his cruel behavior. What could I have done differently? Everything. Gone to a therapist and worked on learning to deal with my anger instead of internalizing it. I could have found the courage to let go and look for someone else (which I did not believe possible at the time). I could have learned to stand up for myself instead of shutting down and hiding in isolation. I could have learned not to let someone abuse me like that. When you let some treat you like garbage you should not be surprised when they throw you away since that’s what you are supposed to do with garbage.
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