ronaj Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 So, I posted a few days ago having recently split up with my boyfriend of three years (not even a week). The break up was mutual and although we had been recently having petty arguments about his lack of effort then main reason was after three years neither of us knew if we had a future. If anything we both thought as much as we loved each other we had no future and as sad as it is the time had come for our relationship to end So anyway, this was last Sunday and I came home from university to be with family and friends which has helped. Monday I was having doubts. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I felt strangely positive that this was the right decision although I knew it was going to be very difficult. Tuesday he tells me he is having regrets and really misses me, Wednesday he goes on a night out and texts me saying he really misses me and phones me saying he never thought it would be this hard and has been thinking about me all night and how important I am to him etc. This morning when I woke up I was sorting some of my old stuff out and found this photo of us which I love which I use to use as a bookmark. Man, how the small things make you realise how you feel for someone. Again all the doubts started. Yesterday was a full day of NC but today I just couldn’t do it and phoned him. He feels the same as me, deep down knows it is the right decision but doesn’t want to face up to the reality. We are meeting next week to make a final decision (which I am pretty sure will be to break up) then after that I don’t know what to do. I want to be friends, he wants to be friends and he doesn’t want to do NC. However, as hard as I know it will I just don’t know how we will get over each other if we are always expecting a message/phone call. He has told me he is checking his phone all the time to see if I have texted. I don’t know what to do and how to move on from this when I really don’t want to move on. I just know if we don’t break up now we will at some point. He suggested being together for a while then breaking up but what will that achieve? Nothing. Its so sad, I wish so much he was the right guy for me and me the right girl for him but after three years I just don’t think marriage etc is on the cards… I am so scared we are making a mistake because this relationship has been so good. WHAT TO DO!!!!
princessjay76 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I'm not too sure I understand the problem. You and this guy love each other, you both treat each other good and you have no commitment to other people? But you're not staying together because at the age of what...23, 24...you're not sure if marriage is in the cards for the two of you? That should be the least of your worries right now. I'm not trying to be patronizing (I know it's hard to "hear" the tone of my voice) but you both still have a lot of maturing to do. Who knows what you might or might not be ready for in the future. Just enjoy each other right now. You never know how long we have here and is it really worth being apart from someone you love for something that in the long run doesn't really seem that important? As far as the effort....what do you want him to do? Is it something small like being more affectionate in public or something major like getting a job because you are tired of supporting him? Take a good look at what you expect and make sure it's important enough to throw away a great relationship for. I spent over 8 years with someone and we never married. He had little ambition and drive but is a wonderful person and father (we have a little boy together and we are still friends today...in fact he was my husbands best man...lol. ) and one day we woke up and realized that we were no longer in love with each other. So we separated and within a few months, we both found the people we deemed our soul mates. There isn't one day that goes by that I regret the time we spent together though. Not only did that time spent help bring something precious into the world, but it helped me be the person I am today. So what I am saying is that even though those might have been wasted years because I knew we had no future I still stayed and had some of the best moments of my life. Just make sure that not being together is really the best thing you guys can do.
Author ronaj Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Thank you for your reply. its strange, everything you have just said is what I have been thinking about all day. I am 21 and he is 22, the effort is silly things like not enough attention and something I need to work on. The thing for me is, as much as I do love him right now, I really do not see a future. It makes me think that if it is not now it will be at some other point down the line. Maybe then it will be harder. He has voiced his concerns about the future thing before and we decided to stay together because we wanted to be together right now. I don't know. After some time apart hopefully our heads will be clearer but I am worried we might be making a mistake if we break up.
princessjay76 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 If you have these many doubts, then you guys need to rethink the breakup. You have no idea if you have a future together because neither of you can see into the future. Life is nothing but chances and what you need to decided is which option you are willing to gamble with. Another option you guys can consider is to go from dating exclusively to just dating. Then you can still be together and give yourselves a fair chance to grow but also not completely give up your option to find someone that just might be your better half. Speaking from my experience, don't jump into anything too quick. I was your age when I got pregnant (literally, I was pregnant a few months after my 21st) and was in my long term relationship with my ex. Again, I wouldn't trade those things now, but then I had some resentment of being "trapped" with a serious relationship. Even now, I have some issues from then that have effected my life, as I have been a housewife for 12 years and sometimes regret not being able to spread my wings and fly. I realize I am giving contradicting advise but I just want you to do what you know you feel is right. Be damned of the issues that might occur in 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. You never know. And I don't think that leaving now or leaving in the future will matter. Either time will hurt. You've already invested your heart and soul.
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