Living with boyfriend who wants to marry me but still talks as if hes married to his

[mt09]

iam living with my boyfriend who has lost his wife a couple of years ago but every conversation he calls her his wife mywife is this or did this theres pics of her in our living room am not trying to be rude but he wants and has asked me to marry him but i feel iam second i dont know how to talk to him about this but it really bothers me and besides that her parents come and stay here with us for summer what do i do or say please help i really love him but i want just us together making a life is that so bad ??how do i even bring it up without upseting him whats a good way to start the conversation i understand he loved and always will love his wife but i just feel am here i dont feel its my house our life iam just really torn i want to be with im but dont know how to tell him how i feel about thishe has givin me a ring but i feel its just away to keep me here once in while he talks marriage or buying new things for our house but never acts on them

[2sure]

Dating and marrying anyone who has been widowed can be tricky - but life happens and it is not unusual.

 

There are a few "Depend" factors though. Each of you has to come to terms with some things AND take responsibility for some things.

 

Are there children?

How long since he lost his wife?

How long were they married?

How old are you and he?

[EllieBean]

Sheesh, don't you know what a sentence is? I'm out of breath just reading that!

 

Your bf's wife is dead, so please try to stop seeing her as competition. It's not like he has a limited amount of love - he'll always love her, but he loves you too, and you're the one who's here with him. Obviously he's going to call her his wife, she's not his ex-wife because they never divorced - perhaps he could be persuaded to call her his "late wife" or something? And don't forget that her parents have lost their daughter, so their son-in-law is all they have left to hold onto. I think it would be reasonable to expect him to put the photos away, but you can't expect him to forget about her. Tbh you come across as a bit jealous and less than understanding about the situation

[deejaylove]

I really disagree with ElliBean.

 

I totally empathize with you, OP. I think you should talk with him and just tell him how you feel. He's your fiance. You should be able to talk to him about anything.

 

Also, I think you should plan on his In-Laws being around for a long time... IMO, you should engage them and respect them as if they are family.

[Ronni_W]

he has givin me a ring but i feel its just away to keep me here once in while he talks marriage or buying new things for our house but never acts on them

It's also that you ACCEPTED his ring even though you had (valid) concerns about your relationship, and that you are not acting assertively in making the house 'yours and his'.

 

It is, though, tricky to find a healthy and mutually supportive balance between his past, and your and his current and future.

 

Possibly you can let him know that you do love him and do see a future with him and, in the meantime, how does he feel about joining a bereavement support group or getting one-on-one grief counseling?

 

Assure him that you don't have huge, nasty anxiety but you are concerned for his emotional well-being as there are signs everywhere that he is still very much in grief. Also that you want to support him but you also want to feel that you two are in the process of building a strong, happy foundation, and you're just not feeling that last part too much, the way things are right now.

 

You could also ask how he feels about creating a more private space -- maybe in a 2nd bedroom? -- to keep a few photos to honour his deceased wife. And ask what, in his heart, will be the easiest thing in the house to let go of, and replace with something new. (Start small, and let it grow from there.)

 

If he is not ready, he isn't...but that does not mean that you cannot gently and compassionately express your own needs and try more actively to help him move through his grief.

 

Perhaps even a joint session with a counselor who specializes in coping with loss (or pastor/faith leader)?