It doesn't look good for us

[hopeful1980]

Me and my husband got in a fight this morning. We have been going through some hard times and this is only making it worse.

 

Here is the story-

 

Every morning I get up and get myself ready for work. At the same time, I ask my husband to please get up and get my stepson ready for school. My husband lost his job over a year ago and has found part time employment at a local grocery store but only works nights. So this morning, I had gotten ready and didn't wake him up until an hour later because I know he wasn't feeling well. Anyway, I was sitting with our two other children and he asks me why I can't just get SS ready he isn't feeling well. I responded that I wasn't feeling well either and he walks off in a huff. A few moments later, he comes back to ask me what my problem is (in front of the kids and my sister in law who is staying with us). I told him I didn't have a problem and then he proceeds to summon me into the bedroom where he basically accuses me of being an openly defiant and disrespectful wife. I told him I really didn't want to talk about it right then and he said "Fine forget it" then proceeds to go off into a rant about how I feel like I do everything already and he does nothing so I feel like I don't have to do what he asks. This is partly true. Then he tells me that forget about the cruise we booked (of which I put down a non-refundable deposit), he is just going to spend the next couple of months getting himself together (I've heard this before). He made me so angry that I told him that if it's like that and he doesn't need me then find your own way to get SS to school and I stormed off.

 

Now, I realize that what I did was not very mature. I cried the whole drive to work feeling discouraged and disappointed with my own immaturity, but I am fed up. The last couple of months have been more than trying and I feel like I have too much on me as it is being the primary breadwinner. Getting my stepson ready for school in the morning is just one added thing and while most mornings I will get his clothes out and such, today it was the straw that broke the camels back in my ever mounting pile of "stuff" that is my responsibility and I didn't want to do it. So he emails me and asks if I will pick him up from school and I emailed back that I would if that is what he needed. I know he is pissed, but so am I. I know he doesn't feel appreciated, but neither do I. We are at a stalemate that I do not know how to move past.

[hopeful1980]

17 views and no one has any advice for me?

[lostsoulmate]

Have you two talked about going to MC?

[Kasan]

How long have you been married?

 

Have things been like this since your husband lost his job, or is this something new?

 

Why does your husband need to get himself together? Depression, drinking, drugs?

[hopeful1980]

We've been married 4 years but dated 6 years prior to that.

 

Things have been like this since the beginning, but have just now reached a fever pitch. When we got married we were both 24. I had just graduated college and he was in school full time to become a nurse. That was the plan, but somewhere along the line he ditched the plan and got another job. He stopped trying to get a job in the medical industry and got a job with the insurance company. I can't say why. Anyway, he lost that job about a year ago and has made no real effort (as far as I can tell) at finding full time employment since. I am not as frustrated with his job loss as I am his lack of ambition and just generally indifferent attitude about looking. Whenever I mention it he gets defensive so I've stopped bringing it up. This causes me to build resentment and act out like I did today. It's a neverending cycle.

 

He does drink too much, especially now. He doesn't want to deal with anything and he knows he can do better so he drinks. I do believe it is because he is depressed and not feeling useful. I'm not helping it honestly, because I have a hard time showing him respect because of his laziness.

 

We have not seen a MC, but I would go if he wanted. I have asked him in the past to seek therapy for his own issues, but he refuses. Years ago he told me he would at least go to AA for his drinking problem, but he never did that either.

 

I honestly don't know where to start fixing this. I'm at work now and if it weren't for my children I would not go home. I don't want to deal with the tension and stress. It physically pains me to be around him. Not because I don't love him, but because I love him so much it is frustrating to not know how to fix these issues we are having.

[lostsoulmate]

It sounds like you have tried.

 

It doesn't do any good to go out to fix the car, without any tools.

 

If he doesn't want the help, or only says he will change his behavior (notice I didn't say he would change) to slipped back into the angry drunk.

 

Get you and the kids out!!!

 

Don't put up with it. You and your children deserve better.

 

Just do it. Make the decision, and do it. (yeah, it definitely is easier said than done).

[hopeful1980]

Thanks for the advice. My husband isn't angry when he is drunk, just emotionally unavailable and cut off from the world. He also doesn't know when to say when which leads to embarassing moments for both of us. Like at his sister's 21st birthday party he got so drunk he threw up in his mom's guest room and then passed out - I was pregnant and it was on my due date. A few weeks ago he did the same thing (without the throwing up). I called him and told him I was thinking about us taking a cruise and would he please help me make the plans. He said he would, but then his sister and her boyfriend came over and he proceeded to get drunk and smoke cigarrettes in front of the children. When the guests left he went in the bedroom and passed out at about 6pm and didn't wake up until the next day. It disgusts me and is a total turn off.

 

My father is an alcoholic (over 20 years sober) and I have asked my husband would he please consider talking to him because he has been there but he refuses.

 

I realize I can't change my husband's behavior, only my own but I do not know where to start. And I'm not leaving my home. It's in my name only and I pay all the bills so he can leave if it comes to that.

[lostsoulmate]

I didn't mean leave the house. If it's in your name, then tell him to get out.

 

I meant get you and the kids out of the situation.

 

Sometimes the most extreme measures are the only way some men/women realize they need to make a change or they will lost all that they hold dear.

[SRV]

Seems like you are honestly trying on your part. Print this out and show it to him, when he is sober, it might sink in, if not you tried the best you could.

[hopeful1980]

I am very grateful for your responses. I just can't thank all of you enough for helping me in this trying time.

 

Can you believe he called me just now and acted as if nothing happened? Said he was going to pay the balance of our cruise and proceeded to try and engage me in a conversation about groceries and gas for the car? WTF? He always does this when we get in an arguement. He pretends that nothing is going on, like I'm not upset, or like we don't have MAJOR marital problems. And then when I want to talk about our problems, he makes me out to be the bad guy or he takes all the blame on himself just to hurry up and end the conversation. *sigh*

 

I'm researching martial counselors now.

[LakesideDream]

MC sounds like the right plan.

 

I believe we are going to see more and more of this as the economy worsens. Good marriages are going to come under a great deal of strain. Shakey ones will not survive.

 

It's a big blow to both the ego, and emotional makeup of a person, male or female to lose their income and become dependant. I shudder to think how serious this will all become.

[pelicanpreacher]

You're not his mother and he's not your pimp!

 

The first warning sign that this guy's head wasn't on straight and might be searching for a mate to leech off of was when he, with the responibility of his own child in tow from a previous relationship I assume, decided on his own to discontinue his education when you graduated after seeing you achieve employment. Your second warning should have been his penchant for drinking to escape the rigors of maintaining a relationship with you or the children. You have morphed into his mother by taking on more responsibility for running the household while he has withdrawn into his own immature selfishness when he went to part-time employment which makes him a prime candidate for having an affair. Your third warning was his assertion that you were being a disrespectful wife when he had long since abdicated his role of husband and partner by exerting minimal ambition to provide for you and his family. By showing machismo to hold onto his self appointed title of your "pimp" he hopes to intimdate you into continuing to remain his subservient cash cow.

 

You need to sit down with him and demand that he resume his educational aspirations, quit drinking, and become a true partner in your marriage or else! Being a "nice guy" only enables the attitude that he can coast through life his way knowing you'll always be there to pay and pave his way! It's my bet, though, that if you did force him to leave he'd try every trick in the book to beg his way back without instituting any real change for the better in himself or search out another woman who will mother and financially support him.

[Kasan]

Well Hopeful as you say, he was like this in the beginning, so you did know what you were getting yourself into.

 

Of course, we all think we can save, improve, and reform our spouses, but we eventually get tired of trying to remake them into our ideal partners. Sometimes we're successful, but most often we fail miserably and end up making ourselves very unhappy in the process. But you know this, as you are living this.

 

I would suggest that you find a local alanon (sp?) group for support for yourself and your kids. As much as this impacts you, your kids are taking everything in, everything.

 

Unfortunately you seem to be the responsible adult right now, and you can either wait for him to get himself together, (or not) or you can make the active decision to do what is best for your family.

 

I would also start to make a plan based on the worst case scenario, ie, he doesn't get himself together, as I am guessing that spending the next twenty or thirty years like this isn't going to work for you and the kids.

 

As much as you love him, you can't save him. He has to take the steps necessary to deal with his depression and drinking.

 

Put yourself and the kids first right now.........

[hopeful1980]

I know you are all right. I should have known. The signs were all there. Oddly enough knowing this is what keeps me here! I feel like I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it. I choose to be with a man with no real ambition (although he DID graduate from nursing school, he just never did anything with his diploma) and who is satisfied with letting me pay for everything while he plays video games and smokes and drinks the day away.

 

The other reason I stay is because like I said my own father is an alcoholic as well and him and my mom are still together after 32 years of marriage. My mom stayed with him through his coke habit, rehab, unemployment, etc and honestly I do not know how she did it. I married a man who is EXACTLY like my father and I hold out for the hope that he will get his act together. I don't know if I can wait much longer.

[lostsoulmate]

Then don't wait any longer.

 

Why should you?

 

Don't live a lie!

[wowWTF]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Let me preface this by saying that only you truly know the best thing to do in this situation, but please if possible consider MC.

 

My wife moved out Saturday with no warning whatsoever. Never threatened or anything. I woke up and she was gone. We never went to counseling or anything of the sort.

 

Going to counseling might be just the thing to make him realize you are at wits end and are not playing around anymore. I know it sure as hell would have got my ass in gear if my wife did that. My situation is slightly different as I suspect my wife may be cheating which is why she refused counseling, but assuming she isn't cheating, I firmly believe counseling would have worked wonders. It would have been a wake up call to pay more attention.

 

And if you go to counseling and it doesn't work, then at least you know you basically did everything you could.

 

Best of luck.

[hopeful1980]

I am willing to go to counseling. I will talk to him when he comes home. I don't know what to say. Can someone help me find the words?

[Kasan]

The other reason I stay is because like I said my own father is an alcoholic as well and him and my mom are still together after 32 years of marriage. My mom stayed with him through his coke habit, rehab, unemployment, etc and honestly I do not know how she did it. I married a man who is EXACTLY like my father and I hold out for the hope that he will get his act together. I don't know if I can wait much longer.

 

Wow! I missed this part in your posts. You have lived this life already as a child, so you know the impact addictions have on a family.

 

I get that this lifestyle is all that you know, but believe me, there are marriages that don't have such destructive ingredients in them.

 

I don't believe for one minute that you want your children to live your childhood. And.........this is what they are experiencing. This is tough on you I know, as my husband grew up with violent, alcoholic parents. The stories he has told me, would make your hair stand up on end.

 

Have you talked to your mom about your husband? What has she suggested? What is your husband's family like?

 

I also wonder why you picked someone exactly like your dad..........they say we marry the spouse that is most like the parent we need to resolve things with.

 

Perhaps some IC for you?

 

I like the fact, that you are realizing that a lot of the problems in the marriage are due to his drinking, even though he is laying the blame at your door.

 

This gives me hope that you will be proactive about this and seek the necessary help for you and your family.

[hopeful1980]

Wow! I missed this part in your posts. You have lived this life already as a child, so you know the impact addictions have on a family.

 

I get that this lifestyle is all that you know, but believe me, there are marriages that don't have such destructive ingredients in them.

 

I don't believe for one minute that you want your children to live your childhood. And.........this is what they are experiencing. This is tough on you I know, as my husband grew up with violent, alcoholic parents. The stories he has told me, would make your hair stand up on end.

 

Have you talked to your mom about your husband? What has she suggested? What is your husband's family like?

 

I also wonder why you picked someone exactly like your dad..........they say we marry the spouse that is most like the parent we need to resolve things with.

 

Perhaps some IC for you?

 

I like the fact, that you are realizing that a lot of the problems in the marriage are due to his drinking, even though he is laying the blame at your door.

 

This gives me hope that you will be proactive about this and seek the necessary help for you and your family.

 

Oh believe me me and my dad have had some deep, emotionally draining discussions. He was never violent with my mother or his children, only emotionally distant (just like my husband) and refusing to take blame (just like my husband). Even to this day after years of being sober, my father STILL blames my mother for things he does not want to take responsibility for and she still accepts it and feels like if she only did more and tried harder things would be different. Fortunately, I am too proud to take on that responsibility. I am more than willing to admit my faults, but I'm not taking on his drinking as an indication that I need to do anything. That's on him. I've told him, I've begged him, I've showed him how it effects me, our children, and him and he believes me but he's not motivated to change and I haven't done anything to motivate him. I know my behavior has to change but I don't know what the first step would be. Maybe I should ask my mom how she got my dad to go to rehab and AA?

[Awakening]

Please contact AlAnon. Should be a number in your phone book. You will be able to talk with people who are in your position and learn how to live with your husband or gain the courage to leave if you choose. You will also learn much about yourself in the process. You will meet some wonderful people who totally understand your situation.

 

I think this will help you even more than IC and best of all it is free.

 

I speak from the standpoint of a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober) who is also the daughter of an alcoholic.

[pelicanpreacher]

Wow! I missed this part in your posts. You have lived this life already as a child, so you know the impact addictions have on a family.

 

I get that this lifestyle is all that you know, but believe me, there are marriages that don't have such destructive ingredients in them.

 

I don't believe for one minute that you want your children to live your childhood. And.........this is what they are experiencing. This is tough on you I know, as my husband grew up with violent, alcoholic parents. The stories he has told me, would make your hair stand up on end.

 

Have you talked to your mom about your husband? What has she suggested? What is your husband's family like?

 

I also wonder why you picked someone exactly like your dad..........they say we marry the spouse that is most like the parent we need to resolve things with.

 

Perhaps some IC for you?

 

I like the fact, that you are realizing that a lot of the problems in the marriage are due to his drinking, even though he is laying the blame at your door.

 

This gives me hope that you will be proactive about this and seek the necessary help for you and your family.

 

You absolutely need IC for your upbringing has been so ingrained into your psyche and senses that you've been groomed to seek and attractive the same type of destructive personality your mother married. My perception of your husband dropped another 3 notches when you admitted that he did complete nursing school but rejected the responsibility a job like that would entail to live a life leeching off you. Add the fact that he immaturely indulges in video games while drinking and smoking the house funds up instead of taking on the entire responsibility of running the household tell me you're holding onto a parasitic "momma's boy" whose only intent is to suck the life out of you.

 

My suggestion: Think Amityville Horror and ... "GET OUT"!

[Kasan]

I really don't have any experience dealing with alcoholics, other than with my in-laws. Come to think of it now, most of his family were heavy drinkers.

 

I would like to see you focus on yourself and your kids as I think you are still trying to save him.

 

From what I understand, your husband has to hit the proverbial rock bottom to seek help and his bottom might be different than what your dad's was.

 

Do you have a pastor, or can you arrange to see a counselor through your job? Perhaps they might have some terrific suggestions?

 

As I mentioned earlier Al-anon helps people who are living with alcoholics. I'm sure they would have some resources.

 

In any event, I'm sure you could do a google search and come up with some information.

 

There are also some members here who have dealt with this in their marriages, so maybe they will see your posting.

 

You might want to search the addiction and recovery threads here.........

 

Good luck!

[hopeful1980]

Please contact AlAnon. Should be a number in your phone book. You will be able to talk with people who are in your position and learn how to live with your husband or gain the courage to leave if you choose. You will also learn much about yourself in the process. You will meet some wonderful people who totally understand your situation.

 

I think this will help you even more than IC and best of all it is free.

 

I speak from the standpoint of a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober) who is also the daughter of an alcoholic.

 

I will do that tonight. Thank you and congrats on your sobriety!

[hopeful1980]

Well, I talked to him the other day and explained to him in a very calm and mature way that I am fed up with his measly part time job that hardly pays for anything and that I was giving him until the end of the year to get a real job and take his rightful place as the head of our family. I also advised him to stop drinking as I think that is the root of his laziness.

 

He sat there for a long while not saying anything. Then he looked at me and apologized. He admitted that he had been lazy, and said he would get off his ass and start really trying. I took it with a grain of salt of course.

 

Yesterday while he was at his PT job, the phone rang and it was an employer saying that he was returning my husband's phone call. I guess he really is trying and not wasting any more time. We'll see how it turns out.

[2sunny]

go to al-anon. it will help a great deal. you will hear people with the same story as your own and what they did/are doing to make their life better.

 

the drinking is HIS problem and only he can resolve that issue. it is your job to take care of yourself and your kids.

 

do NOT go on a cruise with him! that is rewarding bad behavior! also money spent that could go towards necessities.

 

set your boundary and stick to it. whatever that is - it should be designed to keep YOU happy, healthy and safe (with him or without him). al-anon can help with this if you choose to go and participate.