jadelil25 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I am really confused and would really appreciate your help. Ok. After a big talk the other night, me asking several times, my boyfriend thinking we agreed to give things another go but take it slow. I am seeing him tonight but im confused on a couple of things. Can we still be intimate. I.e Kiss and cuddle and hold hands? Should I make the first move or wait for him to make the moves? I am really happy and want to give this another go. Im happy with the things that we discussed and the agreement that we come to but I am feeling nervous about tonight and would really appreciate your help and opinions. He said that we need to take things slower again. Start fresh so no stopping over, no communicating every day and dating a couple of times a week max. He said he likes to have time alone, this is something he needs to do. He has days where he just wants to go to sleep and not speak to or see other people when he has got back from work. He never told me this before so I thought I was doing something wrong, now I understand this I will not worry and im happy to take it slow and have space. Before this we had arranged to meet tonight and after our talk he said we can do something Friday. I messaged him yesterday and casually asked him if he would still like to do something today. I wanted to be casual and asked it like this so that I know that it is what he wants aswell. He replied and said that he will be nice to do something and asked what I wanted to do as the movie I want to see is not out yet. I said is there anything he wants to see or we can have a movie and take out, im happy with either. He said movie and take out sounds good then messaged me and said off to bed now, speak to you tomorrow. Does what he said in the messages sound positive? Does it come across that he is happy to try things out? Thank you for reading. I will really appreciate your help on this. Thank you.
manugeorge Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Why do you insist on walking on eggshells with this guy? Why can't you just be yourself and do what comes naturally to you? How "really happy" are you if you have to question your every move so you can conform with exactly with the stipulations he's laid down? I remember your last post and this situation just raises red flags for me. If you are truly ok and happy with his rules for conducting your relationship, then you wouldn't be here asking us how you should act when you are with him. I suggest you rethink just how ok you are with all these.
loveslife Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I remember being in a relationship with a guy who laid down all sorts of rules about the relationship. It got to the point with me (very quickly) where I just couldn't be myself. I couldn't do what felt natural to me. He's getting all the control. You're holding back. There is no happiness ahead in that type of situation. In my opinion.
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 What everyone else said. And although you're trying to make him happy by being what you think he wants, all you're showing is that you're willing to take crap and put up with less than you deserve. He sounds bored. I think you should call him up and ask him for a raincheck for when the movie you want to see is out. Or tell him you're tired and want to go to bed early and ask if you can get together some other time.
Author jadelil25 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 He has never said that he has been bored. He said that he has enjoyed everything which we have done but he likes to have space. We have seen each other about 3 tims a week and I have been staying over at his. He said that has to have time on his own where he does not communicate with people. He just likes to go to sleep and not see or speak to anyone and I accept this and am completly happy to back things down a bit. I went through a bad break up last year after an 18 month relationship and now I think about im happy to take things slower as I do not want to get hurt badly again and I do realise a lot of the talk is my fault because I did get clingy but I know that I can be different and want to be. The only thing I wish is that had talked to me about this earlier. I asked him to be honest before but he was not but now im glad that he has opend up.
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I didn't say he said he sounds bored. I said he sounds bored. I don't think he cares much if you guys get together tonight or not. If you really want to catch his attention and rev things up a bit, ask him if you can reschedule tonight, or just keep it brief. If I may ask, are you here just looking to hear specific things? Because if you really want, I can write something like Yes, I think you're doing fine. Clearly he's crazy about you! Just don't lose hope. But having been in your EXACT position, I can tell you that the road you're taking is not going to lead anywhere good. You need to reclaim some of the power here.
Trialbyfire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 jadelil, take all his wants out of the equation for now and also any fear of loss. What do YOU NEED in a relationship to make you happy? You have to figure this out first, before you decide what action(s) to take.
manugeorge Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Jadelil, no one is saying you should indeed be clingy or ignore the fact that he needs space. No one is saying you shouldn't take things slower. We are just saying that you should LISTEN TO YOUR OWN VOICE TOO. Give your own voice as much credence as you are giving his. Hold yourself, your wants, your needs in high of a regard as you are holding his. Following his rigid dictations to a letter is NOT going to make him want you more. I guarantee you that. Being a doormat, attending to his every whim will not in any way increase his desire for you. If anything, it will decrease it. I'm sorry, I'm happy to give a boyfriend all the space in the world but I will not agree to his list of "2 calls a week, 1 text a month, no staying the night" blah blah, I mean, it just sounds ludicrous. Seeing someone 3 times a week is far from clingy unless you are not being totally honest with us. Relationships are suppose to flow, this is not flowing. I mean read your original post, you are asking us if you should kiss him first or wait for him to hold your hand. And this is suppose to be your boyfriend, not some stranger? Don't be so afraid to lose people that you'll take whatever they dish, you are all but inviting them to take advantage of you. Your biggest fear should be of losing yourself because that encourages you to stand up for youself.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Jadelil, no one is saying you should indeed be clingy or ignore the fact that he needs space. No one is saying you shouldn't take things slower. We are just saying that you should LISTEN TO YOUR OWN VOICE TOO. Give your own voice as much credence as you are giving his. Hold yourself, your wants, your needs in high of a regard as you are holding his. Following his rigid dictations to a letter is NOT going to make him want you more. I guarantee you that. Being a doormat, attending to his every whim will not in any way increase his desire for you. If anything, it will decrease it. I'm sorry, I'm happy to give a boyfriend all the space in the world but I will not agree to his list of "2 calls a week, 1 text a month, no staying the night" blah blah, I mean, it just sounds ludicrous. Seeing someone 3 times a week is far from clingy unless you are not being totally honest with us. Relationships are suppose to flow, this is not flowing. I mean read your original post, you are asking us if you should kiss him first or wait for him to hold your hand. And this is suppose to be your boyfriend, not some stranger? Don't be so afraid to lose people that you'll take whatever they dish, you are all but inviting them to take advantage of you. Your biggest fear should be of losing yourself because that encourages you to stand up for youself. Exactly the point that needs to come across. A relationship built on restrictions is not truly a relationship. One person's needs should not come off as more important over the other. It should be about compromise so that there's a balance. His actions come off as selfish and demanding.
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