Everything's crashing down around me

[Els]

Well, the thing that had him worried came true. He failed the exam. The admin won't tell him yet whether they'll give him another chance or make him retake the entire year. They won't even tell him when they'll tell him.

 

It costs a fortune to retake a year in med school in a foreign country, because our currency is pitiful. He isn't rich. His family will struggle if he has to retake. So if he does retake, he won't have the funds to come back. For two years.

 

The alternative to that would be just dropping everything and taking a cheaper local course. Honestly, I would be happy about that if he was. As nice as the thought of easy living would be, I don't mind if he just earned an average wage. But HE wouldn't be happy. He set his mind and his heart on this, and beat a lot of odds to get as far as he did. So this option is an extreme last resort thing.

 

The other alternative would be to just come back and do the clinical years locally, thus wasting the first clinical year that he did in the foreign university, but still saving in the long run. This would be the best choice in my opinion, since his family wouldn't have to struggle. But then he'd be stuck here. Our country is incompetent and racist. We're the minority race. And our hospitals are so incompetent that patients on ventilators are left in the ward with 50 other people because the ICU is full. My grandmother died to a heart attack because the cardiologist couldn't get his arse out of bed and to the hospital at night. Just an example. So if he does his course here, it would be very difficult to apply to work in other countries. I don't really mind our country very much, since I've learnt to close my eyes to all the incompetence and corruption and racism. But he hasn't.

 

But I'm not sure I can do two years without seeing him. I just don't have the foundation or strength for that. It's not so much a cold-hearted decision, more the fact that I KNOW we will go down the slippery slope of deterioration and drifting and arguments if we do not have visits sometimes to strengthen us. Also I don't think he should keep banging his head against that particular wall of a university, that is extremely strict and he just doesn't have the training in his prerequisite years locally to handle that.

 

But I don't know what to say. How to say it. He's already having a horrible time without me adding a bigger mess to it. But as his biggest confidante, wouldn't it be wrong for me to withhold advice? But then telling him to come back, do his clinical years locally, sounds rather selfish on my part. Because, yes, I admit it, the fact that I would be able to see him a lot more often DOES play a part in my recommendation. And I'm sure he wouldn't want to lose our relationship just like that either. It's not the run-of-the-mill dating, 'I can find so many more fish in the sea' thing. Neither of us have ever related to anyone else this way. But still it would sound rather selfish to be thinking of our relationship when his entire future is crashing down on him.

 

I cried in front of him just now, when I realized that I may not see him in the middle of this year after all. I was setting all my hopes on that, thinking of it every day since he left. I will not see him if they do not give him an answer by then and I will not see him if he is going to retake the year. I will only see him if he has to retake and he decides to come back, or if the admin gives him the answer that they will allow him to resit that paper. We don't know when they will answer. This got him even more depressed. I know I shouldn't have, I just couldn't help it. I didn't blame him or anything, just cried.

 

I really don't know what to do. This is a pivot point, that may cause drastic changes in anything. And I can't even lie in and mope about it because these are probably the two most hectic weeks of my life.

[KikiW]

I can't offer any advice, per se, but I can tell you that if I were standing in front of you I would want to give you a nice, big, supportive hug. I am so very sorry about the circumstances and it's times like these I wish magic wands existed so the would could be made easier.

 

[Cora]

I am so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling! I wish I had something to say or at least some encouraging words. All I know is that things always seem to work out somehow. I wish there was something I could do to make things better. Again, I am very sorry.

[SophieA]

I have a really good friend who just got married. She'd been dating her boyfriend for 4 years and two of those years were long distance. He was in the military and I believe she saw him a total of twice in those two years. Els- can I just try to encourage you to push through this tough time. Is there no way you could go to him since he can't come to you?

 

...dropping everything and taking a cheaper local course. Honestly, I would be happy about that if he was. As nice as the thought of easy living would be, I don't mind if he just earned an average wage. But HE wouldn't be happy. He set his mind and his heart on this, and beat a lot of odds to get as far as he did.

 

I know exactly how you feel as my s/o leaves for med school in a couple more weeks and when we first found out he was accepted I though "gee I wish he'd just become a physician assistant...it'd be much less schooling and he would never be on call" but then I think...no, I shouldn't think that way. This is his dream. Becoming a physician is his passion. If you love someone...you have to support them. I always remind myself: no one has the right to prevent, or make someone feel guilty for, following their dreams.

 

I also tell myself that what it boils down to is: I love him. I want to be with him. There is no one else I want to be with. Even if it meant less chaos.

 

I hope you get just a little comfort from my post. And know that am here if you need to talk. *hugs*

[Bearandsue]

I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is hold on girl. Stay strong its all we can do. Hope it all works out for the best

[Island Girl]

Oh Elswyth!

 

I am sorry you are facing this.

 

It is the hardest thing to do right now but until you know the university's decision you have no idea which path you are on so please try not look further along. Just sit at the crossroads right now.

 

You say you don't think you have the strength to deal with the distance for that long. But you do. We never know how strong we are until it is called upon.

 

When my husband and I went long distance the original plan was certainly not to be separated for over 7 years.

Originally I believed that our relationship may fail because of the distance.

I thought he'd forget about me or we wouldn't be able to hang on.

 

And the plan wasn't to be married in 2006.

When he first left we were talking of getting married right away when I visited that first time in July 2003. That was 7 months after he left.

But the more we looked into it the more red tape there was and the more I realized that not only should I not rush into the process but that I was looking at the situation from a place of fear.

 

And what was I afraid of?

 

That we wouldn't be able to last as a couple through the distance for who knows how long. And while that was valid it made me think of all of the troubling situations that can happen in relationships.

 

I had one main thought. That I did not want to be in a marriage or a relationship that was weak. One that if challenged would fail.

 

I needed to believe in him and his love fore me. I needed to know he was just as committed as I am to making things work.

 

I did not want to be one of those couples married for 10 years and then calling it quits.

As much as I have a say in that, he does too.

 

If I was going to pledge my lifetime to this man, and he to me, then we should be able to weather through what ever comes. That included the circumstances we were faced with then.

 

We had an agreement. We both knew what the other's commitment was to the relationship. But we still had to take the challenges day by day.

 

And then 3 years later we were still together as much as we were in the beginning. But we had a deeper love. A more intimate relationship than I believe we would have if we had stayed in person.

I went there and we got married.

 

The paperwork and the interview and processing was supposed to be over in the most 6 months.

 

But life threw us another curve ball.

 

So that 6 months has turned into 2 years and 7 months so far.

After next week our time line is 3 to 6 months or longer.

We still have no definite window.

I have learned to deal with this. I take the journey day by day and find comfort in the knowledge that we are indeed together. He is with me in words and spirit. He is with me in strength and commitment.

 

Our relationship still endures. It is just as strong as it ever was if not stronger.

I think both of us has shown the other we can be depended upon. We can work through problems together. We have a better way of communicating than the other couples I know.

 

We say to each other what is 7 years in the grand scheme of things? We still have a good 25 left at the least.

 

I hope what you take from all of this is that life crap does not dictate what will happen with the two of you. No matter what happens it is up to the two of you to get through it. You can. It is possible. As long as the two of you can stay committed to it you can work anything out.

 

Where there is a will there is a way.

[Els]

Thank you all so much!

 

I've been distracting myself rather successfully, but whenever I stop, I feel almost hysterical. To relate all my fears and thoughts would probably make me more hysterical, so lets leave it at that.

 

No, SophieA, I can't go to him until 2 years later, when I finish my course. That's the two years I was speaking of. But he CAN complete med school, and very much more easily too, if he were to do it here! That's what I kept trying to tell him. But I wonder if it's selfish, trying to persuade him with a partial hidden agenda, when he already has so much mess to deal with. I wonder if I should just drop it and let him decide on his own. Probably. But I just can't seem to.

 

IG, I truly admire you! Indeed, the crap that life throws at us shouldn't change things between us but... sometimes it's easier said than done. I don't have anything close to the foundation you had -- honestly, all our time spent together IRL, even though we were together for almost a year, was less than a month. Ironically, we had years together IRL as friends. Such is life, eh?

 

How can the admin do this?! Don't they realize that people have lives to live, and that by actually informing them of their decision or at LEAST if he would have his mid-term holiday free, asap... it'd make so much difference to us? It'd be so little trouble for them. Just discuss things and decide. God damn.

[crimsonrose]

Thank you all so much!

 

I've been distracting myself rather successfully, but whenever I stop, I feel almost hysterical. To relate all my fears and thoughts would probably make me more hysterical, so lets leave it at that.

 

No, SophieA, I can't go to him until 2 years later, when I finish my course. That's the two years I was speaking of. But he CAN complete med school, and very much more easily too, if he were to do it here! That's what I kept trying to tell him. But I wonder if it's selfish, trying to persuade him with a partial hidden agenda, when he already has so much mess to deal with. I wonder if I should just drop it and let him decide on his own. Probably. But I just can't seem to.

 

IG, I truly admire you! Indeed, the crap that life throws at us shouldn't change things between us but... sometimes it's easier said than done. I don't have anything close to the foundation you had -- honestly, all our time spent together IRL, even though we were together for almost a year, was less than a month. Ironically, we had years together IRL as friends. Such is life, eh?

 

How can the admin do this?! Don't they realize that people have lives to live, and that by actually informing them of their decision or at LEAST if he would have his mid-term holiday free, asap... it'd make so much difference to us? It'd be so little trouble for them. Just discuss things and decide. God damn.

 

what is your course, honey?

 

Couples make it all the time with just one having a college degree. Two people having a college degree would be amazing, but is two years really worth it?

 

Keep talking to him about it. Don't do any persuading, jsut tell him how you feel

 

If it's really his dream to finish this course, I would but his dream ahead of mine, quit the courses I'm taking, and go move to be with him. It would be painful, but worth it

 

Is that a possibility at all? It seems like theres a whole lot more to this stuation as I haven't read all your other posts.

 

I would hug ya too, darling.

[Island Girl]

I've been distracting myself rather successfully, but whenever I stop, I feel almost hysterical. To relate all my fears and thoughts would probably make me more hysterical, so lets leave it at that.

 

I used to stop myself from speaking about things or going too deep. It felt like if I let myself go and started crying I'd never be able to reign myself back in and it wouldn't stop.

 

That happened right after I got back from the last time I saw him. When everything went wrong with immigration and the paperwork.

 

I feel you. I feel where your head is right now.

 

Just try to stay as distracted as you can. It certainly isn't easy.

 

IG, I truly admire you! Indeed, the crap that life throws at us shouldn't change things between us but... sometimes it's easier said than done. I don't have anything close to the foundation you had -- honestly, all our time spent together IRL, even though we were together for almost a year, was less than a month. Ironically, we had years together IRL as friends. Such is life, eh?

 

That is a hell of a foundation. Friendship and a mutual respect because of that?

When my husband first left we had just come through a breach in trust. About 4 months before. It wasn't "healed" or whatever you'd say.

So the first year and a half we were dealing with that along with the distance.

 

I know the two of you have been on the same page up until now. So this change in circumstance does not change how you feel about each other.

 

A relationship is more about what else you get than physical things.

Just try to not look too far down the road. Deal with just what is happening now.

First you find out the decision.

Then he decides what to do about it with or without influence from you.

Then you deal whit that situation and how the relationship will be handled.

 

How can the admin do this?! Don't they realize that people have lives to live, and that by actually informing them of their decision or at LEAST if he would have his mid-term holiday free, asap... it'd make so much difference to us? It'd be so little trouble for them. Just discuss things and decide. God damn.

 

I know. It is just F*cked up.

 

The are their own entity with no guidelines or deadlines.

They are doing things in their own time.

 

Immigration has been the same way. No rhyme or reason. Certainly NO consideration that we are human beings with feelings and our LIVES hang in the balance.

 

Bureaucracy SUCKS.

 

It all sucks!

[Els]

Just a quick update, cause I'm rushing for time, and also discussing anything about the situation now would cause me to turn into an emotional pudding at the WRONGEST POSSIBLE TIME...

 

Anyway, this means that I read all of what you guys said and feel comforted, but I just can't bring myself to talk more about this at the moment.

 

Will respond in greater detail when it isn't so fragile or when I can afford to turn into emotional pudding.

 

Thank you!!

 

Edit: Well, I seem to be able to respond to some unemotionally-charged stuff, heh. Crimsonrose -- I can't. You can't just leave and go to another country without having some valid reason to be there: work, study, or marriage. Besides, I'm in the last leg of a very expensive course that will pay me nearly as well as his would upon graduation. As tempting as the thought is, there's no way I can sensibly give that up, especially given the fact that no relationship is ever 100% certain.

 

IG: Yes, I was thinking precisely of your immigration when I posted that! I hope you'll get yours sorted out soon...

 

Also... Does anyone know of any way to book plane tickets last-minute, or if there is any airline company that allows you to postpone/change/cancel last minute with a minimal charge? Or am I just indulging in wishful thinking again?