My ex's birthday is coming up and i want her to know i still care about her

[Monty36]

i posted a previous thread about mine and this girls situation if you'd like to know the back story, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2099425#post2099425

Heres the basics of my situation though. She was one of my best friends before going out and when we finally got together it was the greatest thing that ever happened to us. after about five months though she was really stressed out in her life and told me "i need some space" and "i want my best friend back" things were a little weird after we broke up we went no contact for a while and now were slowly fading back into being friends again. its been a month since we broke up and now her birthdays coming up and i dont know what i should do :/ I want her to know that i have very strong feeling for her still and that i want to be together again but i think something as simple as a card saying happy birthday or just a text would be to little lacking but at the same time i don't want to just confess my love and desire for her right then and there, so any advice on what i should do? Bear in mind were on good terms now, talking/seeing each other so would it also be too much to maybe take her out or something?

[Jay34]

if you still have feelings for her and she seems fine with being friends, i don't know where that is going to lead you, you guys had a short relationship, she wants your friendship, but i don't think she wants to date you, the space crap is all the same, i need space, maybe someday, its all a bunch of crap to keep you on the hook, if you love and she wants to be your friend then your doomed, 3 months is not very long. i would just stop talking to her but what do i know lol.

[Citizen Erased]

This is just me but if my ex bought me a birthday present it would only irritate me. Don't bother.

 

As for being friends...if you have any romantic feelings for her, it won't work. If you want to have sex with her (or have had for that matter) it won't work. If you're of the opposite sex it pretty much won't work. What happened in the first place? You got together.

 

When you share enough of yourself with someone, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if you just enjoy their company as a friend or if you want more. If even the smallest part of you wants more, your friendship cannot work. And yours is a screaming, Grand Canyon size part of you that wants her back. You shouldn't even be in the same room as her, yet you're thinking of getting her a present? Buying her something pretty and shiny won't bring her back. And I'm sure she is already aware of your feelings for her.

[badbrit]

She was one of my best friends before going out and when we finally got together it was the greatest thing that ever happened to us.........................after about five months though she told me "i need some space"

 

Hey Monty, sometimes we are simply too close to a situation to see what is smacking us between the eyes. Have a look at what I have taken out of your post and reconcille those two statements together. Why would she need space away from the greatest thing that ever happened to her?

 

Bear in mind that people seldom end a relationship on the spur of the moment but have spent time iffing and erring before deciding to break off. Often even when that decision has been made it will take a short amount of time to pluck up the courage and find the right moment to do it.

 

You were together for five months so I am willing to guess that she spent at least half of the time wanting to end it and possibly the majority of the rest of the time being unsure but giving it a go.

 

Listen, plain facts are hard to hear but need hearing and understanding. No one stays with someone long term unless they are attracted to them (I dont mean just physical, I mean a deeper real attraction) and no one dumps someone they are really attracted to. It just does not happen.

 

This is not some romantic movie where she is about to say, "you got me at 'hello'" Sorry Monty but this is going nowhere except continued pain until you realise the truth and move on with your life and emotions.

[SummerSun]

Contrary to the others I do not believe that there is any harm whatsoever in sending your friend (ex girlfriend) a birthday card. I wouldn't make it overly mushy, but sending someone a birthday card is an act of kindness and shows that you think of them fondly.

 

I wouldn't tell her on her birthday that you still want to be more than friends, I think that would be the wrong time as she will have other thoughts on her mind and won't want any hassle on her birthday. But, it is something you can say and I would make it as gentle as possible - when you guys are out somewhere 'as friends', having a meal, catching up for a drink - tell her that you still would love there to be more between you than just friends, but that you can see that she isn't in the position to give you any more than friendship at the moment, and you are happy to enjoy the relationship as it stands at the moment and will continue to hope that your relationship as it stands will bring you closer together.

 

You have to mean it though, you do have to be happy taking as much as she is able to give you ie, a non-romantic relationship....but, you have to be in it to win it, so don't quit until you are ready to do so....

[samspade]

This is a commonly-asked question and I think the answer should be "don't do it." The reason lies in your true motivations.

 

If you truly, TRULY just want to wish your ex a happy birthday, meaning you are 110% okay with being strictly platonic, then go right ahead. Send the card. If you feel about her the way you feel about your sister, cousin, or Aunt Trudy, then there is nothing wrong with a nice birthday wish.

 

However, using her birthday as an excuse to contact her and nudge her back into your life is disingenuous. If you send her a card, she calls you, and you try to push the envelope in some small way, she will immediately sense the lack of authenticity and resent you for it. Anyone who's dumped someone (and if she told you "I need space" then she dumped you) can spot this kind of desperation a mile away, and let me tell you, it IS annoying.

 

If you send the card but are able to hide your true feelings, and she thinks you are just being friendly, well, then you've just served notice that she's on your mind, which will give her great satisfaction. It won't make her want to come back to you, and you'll be sitting at home, still wanting.

 

The reason I say don't do it is that 99% of the time, these "birthday wishes" are at least half-dishonest in their purpose.

[paperchase]

I went NC with my ex and her birthday came about 8 days into it. I didn't send her anything. I read all the posts on here and the majority said don't do it. It's not my job. I'm not her man and it's just a poor excuse to communicate with her again. Once the day passed without so much as a peep from me I felt a large sense of victory for weathering that storm. As it turns out, not hearing from me was one of the reasons she desperately tried to contact me a few days later. My act had finally convinced her that I just may have moved on -- something she couldn't handle. DONT DO IT.