liveandlove Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 So, I confess. I am she that he is talking about. We broke up Tues, and when I got home, his email was up on my computer. I saw something from loveshack and wanted to see if it was a dating site. I know it's not good to snoop, but what do you do when something's right in front of you- pls don't bash me for this. Anyway, when I found this post, I was angered and touched at the same time. I was angered because I don't think the portrait he paints is at all accurate, and somewhat touched that he was trying to understand, although of course he couldn't really get any accurate opinions with the way he makes me look. Thank you to all that responded wondering why "roles" and leadership have to be an issue. I don't want them to be. I think you can get the gist of how I feel on the topic in my above post. Let me just say that this whole thing started when I told him that it upsets me when he clears the snow off of his own car and leaves without clearing mine off. I told him that he doesn't act like a man in that way. He told me that I can't pick and choose which traditional manly roles he performs, it has to be all or nothing - chivalry is dead. I also have been complaining lately that he doesn't help me with my responsibilities. You see, he did not say that I am an accountant and it's tax season so I'm working overtime and Sats. He also doesn't mention that for the rest of the year I work FT and go to school PT. I'm disappointed with lack of consideration or desire to ease some of my burden on his part. And by the way, we live separately and he doesn't pay any of my bills. We started talking about roles and his beliefs vs. mine. He wanted me to define our roles. I said I just wanted him to act like he cares. He had trouble with that, didn't know what it meant. I told him I just want us to live life together and help each other out. I grew increasingly frustrated with this topic and couldn't understand why something that sounds so common sense to me didn't make any sense to him. I argued that it wasn't ever right for one person to be the decision maker, he argued that that's how it works for lots of people. He argued that a relationship could not work if the breadwinner did not also wear the pants in the relationship. Just the fact that he was willing to have that sort of relationship with me hurt me. I don't think two people can ever be as close as I want to be in my relationship when they are on different playing fields, when they have pretty much agreed that one person is inferior to the other. He told me, as he says in his post, that he doesn't think that sort of relationship is right if both people don't want it, and so we could have an equal relationship, but he still wanted "equal" defined. After we agreed to be equal, I was still very disturbed by his views and wouldn't leave the topic alone. I thought maybe I should, but let me tell you, I'm glad I didn't. I will say in his defense that it is not purely a chauvinist attitude by him. It's more about money and who works. To him, money = power. He wanted for one of to be home with the kids when we had them, and he would prefer to be the one to do it, then I could be the leader and make the decisions. So I said we broke up, and I said that I'm glad I didn't leave the subject alone when he said it was okay to be equals. Because what I later found out (and why I said I was done with our relationship), was that it's okay to be equals for now, but as soon as one of us isn't working, the person who is becomes the one with power. I think this is all very sad. I am extremely disappointed to find that I had no idea the guy I have been with for the last 7 years thinks like this. I knew he had issues with money, but I didn't know this. I was extra insulted when he said if he was working, he wanted to be the one to make all the financial decisions - I'm an accountant and a finance major! (By the way, I also shouldn't waste any more time or money on getting my degree if I plan to stay at home in the future!) So I said that was not the kind of future I'm looking forward to and that was it. Good luck to him finding a woman who's okay with this today. Too bad he wasn't born 100 years earlier! Sorry for the extremely long post, had to get my side in.
AnthonyF Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 So, I confess. I am she that he is talking about. We broke up Tues, and when I got home, his email was up on my computer. I saw something from loveshack and wanted to see if it was a dating site. I know it's not good to snoop, but what do you do when something's right in front of you- pls don't bash me for this. Anyway, when I found this post, I was angered and touched at the same time. I was angered because I don't think the portrait he paints is at all accurate, and somewhat touched that he was trying to understand, although of course he couldn't really get any accurate opinions with the way he makes me look. Thank you to all that responded wondering why "roles" and leadership have to be an issue. I don't want them to be. I think you can get the gist of how I feel on the topic in my above post. Let me just say that this whole thing started when I told him that it upsets me when he clears the snow off of his own car and leaves without clearing mine off. I told him that he doesn't act like a man in that way. He told me that I can't pick and choose which traditional manly roles he performs, it has to be all or nothing - chivalry is dead. I also have been complaining lately that he doesn't help me with my responsibilities. You see, he did not say that I am an accountant and it's tax season so I'm working overtime and Sats. He also doesn't mention that for the rest of the year I work FT and go to school PT. I'm disappointed with lack of consideration or desire to ease some of my burden on his part. And by the way, we live separately and he doesn't pay any of my bills. We started talking about roles and his beliefs vs. mine. He wanted me to define our roles. I said I just wanted him to act like he cares. He had trouble with that, didn't know what it meant. I told him I just want us to live life together and help each other out. I grew increasingly frustrated with this topic and couldn't understand why something that sounds so common sense to me didn't make any sense to him. I argued that it wasn't ever right for one person to be the decision maker, he argued that that's how it works for lots of people. He argued that a relationship could not work if the breadwinner did not also wear the pants in the relationship. Just the fact that he was willing to have that sort of relationship with me hurt me. I don't think two people can ever be as close as I want to be in my relationship when they are on different playing fields, when they have pretty much agreed that one person is inferior to the other. He told me, as he says in his post, that he doesn't think that sort of relationship is right if both people don't want it, and so we could have an equal relationship, but he still wanted "equal" defined. After we agreed to be equal, I was still very disturbed by his views and wouldn't leave the topic alone. I thought maybe I should, but let me tell you, I'm glad I didn't. I will say in his defense that it is not purely a chauvinist attitude by him. It's more about money and who works. To him, money = power. He wanted for one of to be home with the kids when we had them, and he would prefer to be the one to do it, then I could be the leader and make the decisions. So I said we broke up, and I said that I'm glad I didn't leave the subject alone when he said it was okay to be equals. Because what I later found out (and why I said I was done with our relationship), was that it's okay to be equals for now, but as soon as one of us isn't working, the person who is becomes the one with power. I think this is all very sad. I am extremely disappointed to find that I had no idea the guy I have been with for the last 7 years thinks like this. I knew he had issues with money, but I didn't know this. I was extra insulted when he said if he was working, he wanted to be the one to make all the financial decisions - I'm an accountant and a finance major! (By the way, I also shouldn't waste any more time or money on getting my degree if I plan to stay at home in the future!) So I said that was not the kind of future I'm looking forward to and that was it. Good luck to him finding a woman who's okay with this today. Too bad he wasn't born 100 years earlier! Sorry for the extremely long post, had to get my side in. Good for you.... The guy did not get it. It is a partnership. Good luck with tax season.
liveandlove Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Good for you.... The guy did not get it. It is a partnership. Good luck with tax season. Thanks for the support, although I do still wish the guy would just get it. But, just two more weeks until tax season ends and I'll have my weekends back and maybe feel a little better.
Recommended Posts