SeekingOpinions Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I am having trouble understanding the role I am supposed to play in my relationship and would like some opinions on the topic. My girlfriend wants me to play the traditional male role of a strong provider and protector, but she is not interested in playing the traditional female role of homemaker & mother. We both agree that we should be a team. But teams typically have a leader or leaders. A team has a leader or leadership heirarchy to avoid power struggles, and to simplify the decision making process. She says that she wants us to be equals, but in practice it seems she just wants to choose the role that is most convenient for her in each situation. When it is time to pay the bills or shovel the snow she wants me to "be the man" and do it for us. But when it's time to cook dinner and do the dishes, she will say that we are equals but I should do it because I am a better cook or because she is tired and I have more energy, or whatever is convenient for her at the moment. I don't have an issue with gender roles or think that they are inherantly right or wrong. I think two things make a role right or wrong... 1. Did you choose your role of your own free will? 2. Are your role and your partner's role fair? If you answer yes to both, then your role is right for you. It doesn't matter if it is dominant, submissive, or in between, as long as you feel it is fair and you've accepted it of your own free will. What are your thoughts?
ladyinwaiting Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 My husband and I are equals, but we have different preferences and interests. I'm far more driven and career-minded than my husband. I also earn three times what he does (that said, he only works in his regular job part time). I had a house when we got together, and good savings. I am very frugal and tight with money, and find it hard to spend on anything that is not essential. I tend to make all the big long term or financial decisions. My husband is far more easygoing, and kind of cruises through life. He lives in the "now" far more than I do. He tends to decide what we'll do on a weekend, and he keeps up with our friends, and tries to make sure life is fun. If it were left up to me, we'd probably never have updated the bathroom, or taken a honeymoon, or painted the walls in the living room purple. He tends to make most of the day to day decisions. Housework has always been an issue for us. Because I work such long hours, and he doesn't, I used to get really annoyed that I also have to do everything around the house as well. But when it comes down to it, it's easier that way. I always have to wash the dishes again after he tries, because there is a dirty film left on them, and when my husband does the clothes washing, all the clothing is liable to end up the same color. My sense of frugality protests at such waste. Better for me to do it the once, with my husband entertaining me by reading the newspaper editorial in a funny accent in the background. As you can tell, we're not into gender roles. I don't think I could have married the kind of man who wants to be head of the household or make the decisions. I'm way too independent for that. That's not to begrudge it in other couples. Whatever makes you happy should be the goer.
vander Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 We don't have assigned "roles". Our roles change as situations change. We do, however, have polar opposite personalities and values. Like ladyinwaiting, the opposites work out for us. I'm financially conservative, he's financially impulsive -- we meet in the middle. It's awesome how the difference in personality truly enriches the relationship. There isn't a leader in this relationship. We both work full time. His income is bigger than mine, but we pool our money into the same account and pay our bills from it. We make financial decisions together. Who does the laundry? Who cooks? Who cleans? Whoever wants to! It's rare that either one of us ever does a chore without any help. It's not about being fair, but it's about being helpful. So the lack of specified "roles" is working great for us.
AnthonyF Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 My husband and I are equals, but we have different preferences and interests. I'm far more driven and career-minded than my husband. I also earn three times what he does (that said, he only works in his regular job part time). I had a house when we got together, and good savings. I am very frugal and tight with money, and find it hard to spend on anything that is not essential. I tend to make all the big long term or financial decisions. My husband is far more easygoing, and kind of cruises through life. He lives in the "now" far more than I do. He tends to decide what we'll do on a weekend, and he keeps up with our friends, and tries to make sure life is fun. If it were left up to me, we'd probably never have updated the bathroom, or taken a honeymoon, or painted the walls in the living room purple. He tends to make most of the day to day decisions. Housework has always been an issue for us. Because I work such long hours, and he doesn't, I used to get really annoyed that I also have to do everything around the house as well. But when it comes down to it, it's easier that way. I always have to wash the dishes again after he tries, because there is a dirty film left on them, and when my husband does the clothes washing, all the clothing is liable to end up the same color. My sense of frugality protests at such waste. Better for me to do it the once, with my husband entertaining me by reading the newspaper editorial in a funny accent in the background. As you can tell, we're not into gender roles. I don't think I could have married the kind of man who wants to be head of the household or make the decisions. I'm way too independent for that. That's not to begrudge it in other couples. Whatever makes you happy should be the goer. Equals..... Keep living in that dream world.... I'm sure you are very happy.... Sorry to sound this way, but your husband has you fooled if you think you are equals..... I admit I am lost. You earn 3X's what he does, work full-time, do most of the cleaning, had the house when he entered the picture and he spends your money because you are a tightwad. Of course the flip side is he is fun, and makes sure you keep up with friends and do stuff on the weekend. Thanks for the laugh.....
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Men need to go to work, earn a humungous salary and also take care of and make their women happy. That's what men are good for! Women should stay at home and eat bonbons all day long, breaking only to go to the spa or to shop.
AnthonyF Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I am having trouble understanding the role I am supposed to play in my relationship and would like some opinions on the topic. My girlfriend wants me to play the traditional male role of a strong provider and protector, but she is not interested in playing the traditional female role of homemaker & mother. We both agree that we should be a team. But teams typically have a leader or leaders. A team has a leader or leadership heirarchy to avoid power struggles, and to simplify the decision making process. She says that she wants us to be equals, but in practice it seems she just wants to choose the role that is most convenient for her in each situation. When it is time to pay the bills or shovel the snow she wants me to "be the man" and do it for us. But when it's time to cook dinner and do the dishes, she will say that we are equals but I should do it because I am a better cook or because she is tired and I have more energy, or whatever is convenient for her at the moment. I don't have an issue with gender roles or think that they are inherantly right or wrong. I think two things make a role right or wrong... 1. Did you choose your role of your own free will? 2. Are your role and your partner's role fair? If you answer yes to both, then your role is right for you. It doesn't matter if it is dominant, submissive, or in between, as long as you feel it is fair and you've accepted it of your own free will. What are your thoughts? I'm not sure about the "leaders" comments. Certainly not unusual though to pick and choose what is appropriate and most convenient at the time.
Woggle Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 If a woman wants a traditional relationship that is fine but she needs to realize that it goes both ways. A traditional man usually wants a traditional woman. As for myself I am not interested in being any woman's provider or meal ticket so she needs to earn her own money. We can split the chores.
alphamale Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 What are your thoughts? either you are the boss or she'll be the boss...there is no middle ground no matter what anyone else says, period.
Touche Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 That is not the case in our marriage at all. We both have our say in all decisions and if we don't agree, sometimes I prevail and sometimes he does, if we can't come to a compromise. Our roles have never been set in stone. They've changed over the years. But to say, that one or the other is the "boss" definitively is not always the case and in our case..incorrect.
alphamale Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 That is not the case in our marriage at all. We both have our say in all decisions and if we don't agree, sometimes I prevail and sometimes he does, if we can't come to a compromise. Our roles have never been set in stone. They've changed over the years. But to say, that one or the other is the "boss" definitively is not always the case and in our case..incorrect. i'd like to hear you husbands take on this issue...can you put him on?
serial muse Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I am having trouble understanding the role I am supposed to play in my relationship and would like some opinions on the topic. My girlfriend wants me to play the traditional male role of a strong provider and protector, but she is not interested in playing the traditional female role of homemaker & mother. We both agree that we should be a team. But teams typically have a leader or leaders. A team has a leader or leadership heirarchy to avoid power struggles, and to simplify the decision making process. She says that she wants us to be equals, but in practice it seems she just wants to choose the role that is most convenient for her in each situation. When it is time to pay the bills or shovel the snow she wants me to "be the man" and do it for us. But when it's time to cook dinner and do the dishes, she will say that we are equals but I should do it because I am a better cook or because she is tired and I have more energy, or whatever is convenient for her at the moment. I don't have an issue with gender roles or think that they are inherantly right or wrong. I think two things make a role right or wrong... 1. Did you choose your role of your own free will? 2. Are your role and your partner's role fair? If you answer yes to both, then your role is right for you. It doesn't matter if it is dominant, submissive, or in between, as long as you feel it is fair and you've accepted it of your own free will. What are your thoughts? Yeah, it does sound like the issue isn't one of gender roles per se, it's that your GF basically wants you to do everything. What does she say when you call her on this? Does she actually contribute anything, traditional or not? Edited: I don't think I actually answered the question. So, my answer is that I agree with you - as long as both people feel like the balance is fair and they're happy with what they contribute, I don't see a problem. But there's plenty of room for fluidity in choosing one's "roles" or responsibilities; no need to accept ALL of the traditional "female" or "male" role just because you want to do part of it. The key, as you noted in your OP, is that things feel fair and evenly distributed. Let's see. So for example, in my relationship, I do most of the cooking ("female"), because I happen to like to cook, but I'm also the tech guru ("male") and take care of computer/cable/phone/etc. issues, because I'm tech-savvy and my BF is basically a luddite. My BF is a bit of an amateur carpenter and tends to spearhead home-improvement projects ("male"), but he's also considerably tidier than I am ("female"). We share cleaning duties overall, such as scrubbing kitchen/bathroom, doing laundry, etc., because we each have our preferences for what/how we think things need to be kept clean. Works for us.
Touche Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 i'd like to hear you husbands take on this issue...can you put him on? He's not here right now but I promise that I will ask him and he'll post in his words later. I know he'll make some smart alecky remarks though about how I decide everything! He's a bit of a jokester that way. But seriously it's really the way I said it is. There have been times where we just don't see eye to eye on things and I've insisted and gotten my way and same holds true for him. I can give many examples on both sides. That's just been the way it's worked for us. I could never be with a man who always rolled over and let me have my way with everything. I wouldn't respect someone like that. By the same token, I could never be with a man (btdt) who controls everything and makes all decisions. That wouldn't work for me either.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Seeking Opinions, I sincerely wonder if this is a real situation in your life v. an alternate userid scenario. If this is a real situation, then it's time to stand up for your needs. You control your life and how people treat you.
Touche Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 This is Mr. T: I make decisions and Mrs. T makes decisions. As for major decisions, many times we agree and if we disagree, one of us will usually compromise. If we don't agree, then usually the issue will lay dormant until circumstances change. I have no effin' idea what he just said, but there you go.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Sounds like she is trying to have her cake and eat it. Manipulate you into getting her own way. I suggest you "act the man" and TELL her what her role is going to be, lol.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Equals..... Keep living in that dream world.... I'm sure you are very happy.... Sorry to sound this way, but your husband has you fooled if you think you are equals..... I admit I am lost. You earn 3X's what he does, work full-time, do most of the cleaning, had the house when he entered the picture and he spends your money because you are a tightwad. Of course the flip side is he is fun, and makes sure you keep up with friends and do stuff on the weekend. Thanks for the laugh..... Actually her husband strikes me as being the bitch in this relationship. She's got him locked down.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 As for myself I am not interested in being any woman's provider or meal ticket so she needs to earn her own money. Good philosophy. If you're paying the cost then you get to be the boss. If she wants equality, she can pay her own way.
popey Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Doesn't sound to me like your issue is gender roles. Sounds like your issue is that you want more give and less take from your gf. Based on what you've shared, sounds reasonable. Put it this way. If my bf and I had to accomplish, moving some heavy stuff, dust and vacuum... He'd move the heavy stuff while i did the other chores. This wasn't about gender roles. It was just more efficient. If we had to cook dinner and take the car for an oil change; the decision of who did what could go either way depending on who felt like doing what that day.
AnthonyF Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Actually her husband strikes me as being the bitch in this relationship. She's got him locked down. How so??? She thinks they are equals, but she does everything, brought most to the marriage, earns 3X's the salary. He however organizes their weekend activities and getting together with friends. I hope he is a good f@#*.
ladyinwaiting Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 How so??? She thinks they are equals, but she does everything, brought most to the marriage, earns 3X's the salary. He however organizes their weekend activities and getting together with friends. I hope he is a good f@#*. No one is anyone's "bitch". We have different interests and abilities. I also have a job I absolutely adore that pays extremely well and allows us to live life at a good standard. I'm very fortunate in that I don't have the kind of husband who wants to be boss of everything, who puts work (and his ego) first, and who I never see. I never wanted that. Instead, I have a kind, loving, fun man, who earns enough to pay his own way, wants very little from me, is never nasty. No one would blink an eyelid at our relationship if I was at home and he went out to work each day. But then, the only people who really seem surprised or offended by our arrangement tend to be men who clearly have some kind of control or ego issues. I'm thankful I'm not married to one of those. I personally don't want my husband to work or earn anymore. We have plenty. I'd rather he spend his time doing community-minded things. BUT, if I was to think about this is purely mercenary terms, I'd also say that we're potentially better off with him pursuing his dream anyway. There's a chance his main hobby will make it big - just a chance, but given my salary, it's a chance we can take. So there's your "rational" explanation if you really, really need one.
treyfan88 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It's funny to me that some of you think a certain salary makes you a "boss" or "bitch" in your relationships, lol. A healthy relationship is a team effort--not a hierarchy system! My bf and I have equal say in what goes on--we work as a group, we are interdependent. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree and when disagreements do flare up we compromise.
AnthonyF Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 No one is anyone's "bitch". We have different interests and abilities. I also have a job I absolutely adore that pays extremely well and allows us to live life at a good standard. I'm very fortunate in that I don't have the kind of husband who wants to be boss of everything, who puts work (and his ego) first, and who I never see. I never wanted that. Instead, I have a kind, loving, fun man, who earns enough to pay his own way, wants very little from me, is never nasty. No one would blink an eyelid at our relationship if I was at home and he went out to work each day. But then, the only people who really seem surprised or offended by our arrangement tend to be men who clearly have some kind of control or ego issues. I'm thankful I'm not married to one of those. I personally don't want my husband to work or earn anymore. We have plenty. I'd rather he spend his time doing community-minded things. BUT, if I was to think about this is purely mercenary terms, I'd also say that we're potentially better off with him pursuing his dream anyway. There's a chance his main hobby will make it big - just a chance, but given my salary, it's a chance we can take. So there's your "rational" explanation if you really, really need one. I am happy that you are so content and I was not trying to be mean, however reading the OP and your response I found it very comical and only a woman who would post that. Again I am being sexist in saying if a man wrote what you did, saying he basically did everything (no children), brought everything material to the marriage, earned 3X the money, did the majority of the housework and his wife was responsible for entertaining friends and weekend plans and then state categorically that you were "equals" would be called a eunich/pussy whipped or worse....
Woggle Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 As long as you don't lose respect for him and end up cheating on him or dumping him like many women in your position do more power to the two of you.
liveandlove Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I am having trouble understanding the role I am supposed to play in my relationship and would like some opinions on the topic. My girlfriend wants me to play the traditional male role of a strong provider and protector, but she is not interested in playing the traditional female role of homemaker & mother. We both agree that we should be a team. But teams typically have a leader or leaders. A team has a leader or leadership heirarchy to avoid power struggles, and to simplify the decision making process. She says that she wants us to be equals, but in practice it seems she just wants to choose the role that is most convenient for her in each situation. When it is time to pay the bills or shovel the snow she wants me to "be the man" and do it for us. But when it's time to cook dinner and do the dishes, she will say that we are equals but I should do it because I am a better cook or because she is tired and I have more energy, or whatever is convenient for her at the moment. I don't have an issue with gender roles or think that they are inherantly right or wrong. I think two things make a role right or wrong... 1. Did you choose your role of your own free will? 2. Are your role and your partner's role fair? If you answer yes to both, then your role is right for you. It doesn't matter if it is dominant, submissive, or in between, as long as you feel it is fair and you've accepted it of your own free will. What are your thoughts? Seeking Opinions, It doesn't sound like you're telling the whole story. Are you sure your GF wants you to "play the traditional male role of a strong provider and protector"? How doesn't she want to play the "traditional female role"- is it that she doesn't want to clean the house and defer to the leader? I would like to know what she is doing while you're paying the bills and shoveling the snow. Why is she so tired all the time? Does she truly do nothing? If that's the case, I would agree with some of the others that you are being taken advantage of. How much are you putting into your relationship? As for the question regarding roles, how are the roles ever fair when there is a leader to avoid power struggles and simplify the decision making process? Is the real issue here the way that you're trying to define roles rather than her desire to have you be a traditional male and her apparent laziness? I think your post is bull. I agree with Vander in that it's not about being fair, it's about being helpful. It's about supporting the person who happens to need help at the moment. A relationship can't go very far if you're always concerned with yourself and how fair things are. Things aren't always fair, but it swings both ways, and if it doesn't, then you need to decide whether your being taken advantage of. So you'd just rather set it up so it's unfair, but at least you know who it's going to be unfair to.
liveandlove Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 It's funny to me that some of you think a certain salary makes you a "boss" or "bitch" in your relationships, lol. A healthy relationship is a team effort--not a hierarchy system! My bf and I have equal say in what goes on--we work as a group, we are interdependent. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree and when disagreements do flare up we compromise. completely agree
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