Am I being bull*@&#?

[CaseInJust]

I posted some earlier threads about my husband "not being there" and that we moved across country to a place I didn't want to move, quit my full time job to support him in his high profile job.

 

He doesn't initiate sex and doesn't have much a drive to begin with.. never did. He knows how I feel and I have told him I want more affection, more sex, more couple time..etc

 

He has a green card because he married me and we also signed a prenup. Now, we got married a little faster than we would have wanted but the circumstances called for it. We were already planning on getting married at some point.

 

I don't have ANY assets but he does. When I asked him about the pre-nup he said it was "to protect me"... I asked him what that meant and he said "because I am in a high position (CFO) I am liable to get sued and I wouldn't want anyone to come after you. He said that he is the one that signs the papers on alot of money and knows that people can sue the wives of CFO's... Take Enron for example.

 

And before any of you think he is cooking books and so forth.. no he is NOT. And no, he didn't marry me for a greencard either. So put both those aside please.

 

Now that I am stuck here without a job and doing the housework and all those things a wife does to support her husband... he is such a workaholic that I never see him. He has never been big on affection. I give him massages and touch him alot but rarely touches me. Sex is on the back burner because he is too "stressed" and he even told me he was too stressed one time to get oral sex with NOTHING in return.

 

If sex hasn't in a couple of weeks, he will preemptively say "I don't feel well, my back hurts, I have a headache... blah blah blah.

 

I have told him AGAIN in the last few days that I need him to be affectionate, more sex would be great and more couple time would also be wonderful. I really made it out to sound like, I don't want to have to say these things over and over and that he REALLY needs to step up to the plate this time.

 

At one point, he finally admitted that he probably has a low libido and that made him feel bad because he feels like it's his fault. I told him it's not his fault but that we have different timing.

 

Now I have had time to look over the prenup since I had some down time. I signed for no spousal support, I signed the part where I receive NO career and professional earnings. In other words, if I left now, I would have NOTHING even though I moved down here and sacrificed my career and moved to a less than desirable place. I want basics, just affection, appreciation, some sex... I'm not arguing because we aren't having a vacation in the Caribbean this year! I just want normal stuff.

 

So, my main question is, when he told me that we were doing a prenup for MY protection, was I being BS'd? We fought about it over and over and he kept telling me it was for my protection.

 

Yeah, right, now I have NO assurances and he is fine no matter what if I walked out the door.

 

Am I just a HUGE idiot?

[SeekingOpinions]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]It doesn't sound like the pre-nup was for your protection. Signing it without reading it was a big mistake. I strongly suggest getting a lawyer who is in no way affiliated with your husband to review the document and explain your situation. Not every pre-nup is "air tight" and just because you signed it does not necessarily mean you would get nothing in a divorce. You may also find that there are in fact provisions in the pre-nup that do protect you.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Athena]

Yeah, right, now I have NO assurances and he is fine no matter what if I walked out the door.

 

Am I just a HUGE idiot?

 

perhaps his Lawyer made sure of those clauses... I doubt he would have thought of them himself. He probably did see the part where it was for your protection but the other parts where you sign your rights away must have come from his lawyer.

Perhaps it is time for the two of you to renegotiate a NEW contract... one that negates that no spousal support nonsense SINCE circumstances have changed, you need to adjust and adapt that! Consult a lawyer as the previous poster suggested, and see if H will renegotiate. Heck -- be like the Hollywood Stars and THIS time include the amount of weekly sex he has to participate in, lol.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Now I have had time to look over the prenup since I had some down time. I signed for no spousal support, I signed the part where I receive NO career and professional earnings. In other words, if I left now, I would have NOTHING even though I moved down here and sacrificed my career and moved to a less than desirable place. I want basics, just affection, appreciation, some sex... I'm not arguing because we aren't having a vacation in the Caribbean this year! I just want normal stuff.

So, my main question is, when he told me that we were doing a prenup for MY protection, was I being BS'd? We fought about it over and over and he kept telling me it was for my protection.

Am I just a HUGE idiot?

 

Somebody correct me if I am wrong here, but in the U.S. prenups only cover assets gained prior to marriage. That means any income or holdings gained AFTER marriage you have full access to 50%... and if you have kids more like 80%.

 

So... no it wasn't a bunch of BS. It would entitle you to some protection, and wouldn't lock you out of the money you two had made together.

[2sure]

Holy Smokes. You have signed away the security that ANY spouse hopes to have. As to him being sued as CFO - first, the business HAS INSURACE FOR THIS. Next - if his on the up the up and up - his PERSONAL EARNINGS/ASSETS would never come into question...much less yours. That is utter and complete nonsense. in fact, if there was anything questionable it would be likely he would put assets in your name to protect you both.

 

You have been entirely duped & taken advantage of. Get that prenup squashed immediately. With a prenup like that, so very harsh - it was written with INTENT. Get it?

[CaseInJust]

He never got a lawyer for this. He is way too frugal. He downloaded off the Internet for 30 bucks. Why bs me and tell me it was for my protection? Lets just call it for what it was. That's the hurtful part. Now I don't even know how to bring up the discussion of amending it.

[Athena]

He never got a lawyer for this. He is way too frugal. He downloaded off the Internet for 30 bucks. Why bs me and tell me it was for my protection? Lets just call it for what it was. That's the hurtful part. Now I don't even know how to bring up the discussion of amending it.

 

Step 1: Go see a lawyer who deals with prenups. He will talk to you and then you will KNOW what to say to H!!!

 

Was this prenup signed and witnessed??? by a witness...?

Are there copies available elsewhere? heh heh... what would happen if that copy got 'lost'?

[jj33]

Prenups cover whatever they say they cover. And going with it got lost is not a good idea. Then you are comitting perjury.

 

However most prenups also have a clause saying that you were advised by counsel and understand the rights that you were giving up under the agreement.

 

This is not the case here. How long in advance of the marriage did you receive the prenup? If it was a month or two and you just signed and didnt take it to a lawyer that could make it harder to say you didnt understand what you were signing and didnt have an opportunity to get counsel to review it.

 

Go to a GOOD family lawyer ASAP. Someone whose firm has nothing to do with your H or your H's company so there are no conflicts and he doesnt need to tell your H that you came to see him.

 

Then find out if you have grounds to challenge the agreement. Each state has different laws. If you are in NY they are the toughest on prenups but if you didnt hav counsel there may be a way out of it particularly if he gave it to you very shortly before the wedding.

 

If his lawyer advised you that is not sufficient unless they told you that you could get your own lawyer and you said you didnt need one. But that would be unlikely any good lawyer would make sure you were represented so that it was sure to stand up in court.

[jj33]

Sorry I didnt see your post that he downloaded it from the internet.

 

NOT worth the paper its printed on. Get yourself a REALLY good divorce lawyer. Do not say ANYTHING to your H until you have spoken to the lawyer. If you dont like the first one, go to a second. Once you have consulted a lawyer they are conflicted out and cant represent him.

 

And to answer your question YES you were being bu**sh**ed and

 

I wouldnt be so fast to decide it wasnt a green card marriage. Planning on getting married at some point and rushing it for a green card are two different things, and the distinction may be helpful to you if push comes to shove. He played dirty with you, dont hesitate to use that fact (under a lawyers guidance of course). Immigration may find that to be very interesting.

[Athena]

Sorry I didnt see your post that he downloaded it from the internet.

 

NOT worth the paper its printed on.

 

That's what I was thinking! A BS 'contract', so not worth anything.

 

Definitely get to a lawyer asap

[jj33]

The other thing is dont discuss it with him. Im sure he has his good qualities but he is obviously controlling and manipulative.

 

He has bu**s***ted you in an unconscionable manner with the prenup.

 

If you try to discuss it with him, he will simply give you more rubbish. Dont believe a word he says about this. And dont tell him you are going to a lawyer it sounds like he watches your pennies but find them from somewhere even if you have to borrow from a family member. This is a time for stealth.

 

And get out. Someone who would do this to you is definitely not someone you should be married to.

 

There is something very wrong here. He has no sex drive, he tried to con you out of your marital property rights, he got a green card by marrying you. Im sure he loves you but his brand of love sounds very suspect. the pieces dont add up.

 

And dont even think of telling him you know the agreement is not valid - you go to a lawyer first who can document your story etc (in an affidavit or whatever if necessary) before you tell him or he may try to alter his version of the facts somehow. He has shown hes not concerned with the truth where his money is concerned.

[CaseInJust]

I did bring it up.... he holds to the story that the prenup protects me because of his profession. He is a CFO and signs important papers with money attached to them. I said, doesn't a company have insurance for that? He said "yeah they do, but it's against HIM if he were to do something shady. In other words, he can get sued and even if someone on his team is doing something shady, he is also held responsible.

 

I said, how does me signing away all my rights on a prenup protect ME from someone coming after me? He said it just does. I told him I moved here and have nothing... left my job..etc. I said that I didn't like the clause that says he owes me NO support in the event of a divorce or separation. He said "does it really say that?" I said "uh yeah!" and he said I was questioning his ethics because he has told me in the past that if something were to happen, he would set me up somewhere in an apartment.

 

So, I said, why don't we change that clause and he said he would but of course, made me feel like sh** about it. Telling me I didn't trust him. WTF? And he told me to educate myself on the facts with the prenup and how it protects me.

 

By the way, we are looking at buying a house and he said he would either put the house in my name (yes, this goes back to the fact that we have a prenup and if someone were to come after him, they couldn't take the house because it's in my name.

 

I believe he DOES love me but he just has a very mechanical mind. I think some of it comes from his country of origin, his upbringing and his personailty in general.

 

We did a prenup 5 days before we got married.

[jj33]

Go to a lawyer NOW and STOP discussing it with him. He thinks he has you snowed. And he did. Until now.

 

Its NOT worth the paper its printed on. Dont TELL him that. Just go to a lawyer.

 

And guess what, most men in that position put their assets in their wive's names - its called asset protection. Hes pissing on your leg and telling you its raining. I do this for a living I know what I am talking about.

 

As you have NOTHING in your own name, why would it matter if you had that prenup? Nothing for anyone to go after.

 

More to the point you would want a prenup to say I gave up my career if we split you support me send me back to school etc - not I get nothing but the shirt on my back.

 

Go to a lawyer and get yourself sorted BEFORE you buy a house. If he thinks you dont trust him he wouldnt be wrong.

 

Tell him you are willing to take the risk regarding his creditors. And yes insurance would deal with it, if he is worried buy the house as tenants in common not joint tenants (they can go after his half not yours).

 

This is just all wrong and you are not going to get the correct answer from him. He is the one so misguided that he had you sign something invalid (most likely) and is giving you bogus reasons why its a great idea for you.

 

This makes me really angry. Couples come to me all the time where the husband earns the money and calls the shots and the wife ends up not knowing which way is up saying he told me it was in my best interest.

[2sure]

This guy has snowed this woman all the way around. And it sounds like it is the typical green card story. Sadly, she must have been the easiest target.

 

If he is "Chief Financial Officer" in a company she compared to ENRON - yet doesnt want to spend his money on a lawyer and does a DIY prenup off the internet....

 

Come on.

[manugeorge]

Wait a minute, everyone is saying go to a lawyer, get the pre-nup annuled. Um...How about get a job? and start saving up your money just in case? or am I missing something here?

 

Are there kids involved or is there a particular reason why the OP has to stay at home? I know it's a tough job market but it doesn't hurt to start looking for something, anything.

 

You may still continue to fight to change the pre-nup but I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket. Have something for yourself that you can fall back on.

 

He doesn't initiate sex and doesn't have much a drive to begin with.. never did. He knows how I feel and I have told him I want more affection, more sex, more couple time..etc

 

He has never been big on affection. I give him massages and touch him alot but rarely touches me. Sex is on the back burner because he is too "stressed" and he even told me he was too stressed one time to get oral sex with NOTHING in return.

 

I have told him AGAIN in the last few days that I need him to be affectionate, more sex would be great and more couple time would also be wonderful. I really made it out to sound like, I don't want to have to say these things over and over and that he REALLY needs to step up to the plate this time.

 

And for your quote above, it sounds like you knew the way he was before you married him, why will you all of a sudden expect him to change now? I mean you don't pluck a guy off the vine and wait for him to improve, he's not a tomato. You knew that he is not the affectionate type, yet you willingly married him with that knowledge, thus, implying that you accept him just the way he is, why are you now frustrated that he won't change?

 

I have a lot of experience with the unaffectionate types, I've dated a few and my father is one (go figure). It's like it's impossible for them to change that trait. Someone hard wired to be unaffectionate, but you think--hey, how hard could it be for him to give the occasional hug, since that's all I really need? ANK, bad thinking. I'll suggest you stop banging your head against the wall, and assume he will never be more affectionate than he is now, and then decide if you can be happy with him as he is.

[jj33]

Manugeorge yes she needs to get a job but going to a lawyer and getting piece of mind takes an hour or two. Getting a job in this climate could take weeks or months.

In the meantime she should know where she stands. But I wonder why the OP didnt do that immediately. And still hasnt.

 

This guy sounds very very controlling there may be more to the story than we know. Otherwise why fight and sign without going to a lawyer in the first place. Its crazy to have signed something off the internet without reading it.

 

You sound a little bit intimidated by your husband. Its the only thing that makes sense of why you signed in the first place. That or you did it to avoid losing him.

[CaseInJust]

Actually, the company isn't like Enron. Let me clarify. He was saying that the pre-nup is to protect me in case anyone came after him for anything. He was comparing it to the crooks at Enron and how their wives may have not had knowledge of the funny business going on.

 

However, the funny thing is, I don't HAVE anything. Everyone I have spoken to about this says the "its for your own protection" line is BS. Now, I believe HE believes what he is saying. When I challenge him to change the prenup to at least reflect the fact that I quit my career and moved to support his high powered job, I would like a clause in there for spousal support. I don't want ANYTHING else... just some assurance. He gets bitchy and says FINE, LETS CHANGE IT THEN! However, he clearly says "Im not going to pay some lawyer 2k to draw up some paper. Remember, he is very tight with money and downloaded the generic prenup off the internet for a few bucks. It's a VERY generic prenup.

 

The other thing he tells me he would take care of me if we split up by putting me anywhere in the country I wanted and paying me spousal support for a year or "whatever" as he says. I said "if so, lets change the agreement!" But he says it in a way that makes ME feel bad for even suggsting the change! But then he goes back to the fact that he feels bad that I am questioning him about the "it's for my protection" and that in his words, I should "educate" myself.

 

I told him I am his wife and he should WANT to assure me and make me feel good.

 

I will be consulting an attorney but I have a feeling the paper is worthless in which case, I will never bring the subject up again. Ill let the laws of California govern us if anything were to happen. If the paper really does put me in a bad position, I will use MY savings and have it rewritten to reflect BOTH interests, not just one sided.

 

He isn't a total monster, I know it sounds like he is.. I think his biggest fault is he is tight with money and doesn't know how to be in a true partnership.

 

We are currently looking at buying a home here. It's a community property state. The house will be half mine no matter what and I will not participate in that if that isn't the case because alot of sweat will go into that house with improvements - by me mostly.

 

One thing is, I think he is afraid of being wrong. If we went to an attorney, I think in the back of his mind, the attorney would laugh at the idiocy of the downloaded prenup and the "it's for your protection" crap.

 

He is stubborn and hates to be wrong. Part of it is comes from his culture I think.

 

Either way, I don't want alot, I just want what is FAIR.

[jj33]

Be careful if you signed the prenup and it does hold up then... also you can elect for property to be separte property in California. it doesnt HAVE to be community. And if the prenup were valid for any reason then it could override the community property laws.

 

Sorry sweetie but hes BSing you bigtime. Hes tight and he obviously is afraid of being taken in a divorce and is doing everything possible to make sure his hard earned cash remains his.

 

Combine that with the fact that he doesnt want to have sex and.....

 

Im sorry but from the outside its not a pretty picture.

 

Go to a lawyer. Now. Who cares if he doesnt like being wrong. he never has to see you and the lawyer rolling on the floor laughing. But you will have to contend with his desire to put all the assets in his name... its consistent with the prenup and he will tell you again its for your protection...

 

Is he possibly gay and not out of hte closet? trying to be straight? Doesnt want sex, comes from a very traditional background (where perhaps its not ok to be gay)?

 

something is not right here - you say he doesnt know how to be in a true partnership. Part of that is geting him to face up to the fact that the prenup is invalid (if it is). I would say its good you are otherwise happy with yuor marriage but you are not. You arent having sufficient sex during those infrequent periods when he is home.

 

 

Sorry its not what you want to hear. Indeed as you continue to defend him it sounds like you really dont want to look at the whole picture. You posted saying you told him this is not working for you you dont get sex etc etc and now you are saying you are buying a house and hes really a good guy even tho he conned you on the prenup? These things arent accidents. Everyone knows what prenups are for. And for Gods sakes he is a CFO. Do you REALLY think he doesnt know how these things work. Hes just a little clueless in the execution (i.e. getting it from the internet).

 

Are you intimidated by him? I cant put my finger on this but something is very very wrong here.

[CaseInJust]

To the person that said I need to get a job. Um.. I HAD a job, a good job, a career and I LEFT it to support my husband in his high powered job. I have sent out alot of resumes and nothing. NOTHING. I don't know anyone in this city so it's not like I moved here with a bunch of leads.

 

The reason I didn't get a lawyer to read the prenup is I didn't have time. We got married VERY fast.. within in days and the prenup came up a few days prior to the wedding. Plus, he doesn't think much of lawyers.. as you can tell. It was a whirlwind thing. I didn't want to lose him

[jj33]

Case that is EXACTLY why prenups like yours are typically held invalid. No time to properly consider them, no time to get legal advice.

 

But you still havent responded to my comments above. You dont have to, its none of my business, but I hope you think about it. Youve been hoodwinked and all you do is defend defend defend.

 

This man is NOT on your side. Are you starting to accept that?

[tami-chan]

I am not a lawyer, but I believe pre-nups can be invalidated especially if you did not have legal counsel present and you were under duress of some kind (i.e "hurry up and sign it, we have to get married so I can get my green card," or something if that nature...)...

 

I wish the lawyers on the the site would weigh in on this...?

[flash582]

If it's for your protection, and his protection ...

 

Then he needs to transfer all his assets into your name, right away.

 

Somehow, I doubt he'll want to do that.

 

See an attorney.

[jj33]

Tamicham she needs to see someone in person to deal with her specific situation. And she needs to deal with the fact that she is married to someone who hoodwinked her and continues to hoodwink her. As Flash and I have both said, men who want to do what he purported to want to do transfer the assets to their wives, they dont keep assets FROM their wives.